... so would you?

on a casual basis.. if everyone told you to just walk away, for your own good... but the both of you want it.. would you?

Impossible to say without knowing the situation. Sometimes friends know what's good for you, sometimes they don't. Do you agree with them and want to do it anyway? Why? Because it's easier than finding a guy who suits you better, or because you don't want to be his ex and think this is a way to make him your current BF? Revenge? Pretending you don't care anymore? Just sex? Wanting to relive something?

Casual can be fine if everyone's moved on in life and doesn't have expectations and nobody is trying to rewrite history. But casual can also be really destructive and frustrating. Step back and decide whether it's a good idea in the long run, or if it will just make you feel worse later on.

Nearly every divorced person I know "did it" with the ex at least once after the divorce.

In my case, the best sex we ever had was the six months following the disolution of our marriage. I remember thinking "Well, the marriage didn't work out, but the divorce isn't so bad."

In hind sight it's rather obvious that she was apprehensive about moving to a new city, finding a new job, new friends... I was something familiar. As soon as she got comfortable in her new surroundings she reverted to her normal nasty self.

By the way, for years I thought I was too sensitive about some of the things she said and did. Last summer my Daughter-In-Law confided that she'd watched my ex be nasty and belittling toward me, and that it continued into her next relationship, too. Does it lead one to conclude that I'm petty when I admit taking satisfaction from that statement?

well the situation goes.. we broke up our engagement 4 months ago.. he wanted his single life.. my self esteem was beaten below ground level because i never did anything right for him..

i thought that everything was fine (which it was on my end) until he came back.. last week..

apparently leaving me was the worst thing he's ever done.. he wants me to take him back ( and i have to give him credit that he did admit that he didn't deserve a second chance!)..

the sexual chemistry between us was amazing.. it was the best part of our relationship for a long time..

i've found that being being constantly horny and frustrated is the worst part of being single ..

all in all.. he's told me that he's happy to take it as far as i want to.. whether thats just friends, casual sex or a serious relationship again (although in the future when he's proven to me that he's got his reponsibilities together.. his words not mine)

... i want too.. but then i don't.. everyone is shitty with me because i've forgotten how upset i was when he left.. *shrugs*.. i don't know.. i assume that if it had effected me that badly i would remember how i felt about him quite clearly..
there other issue is that my motorbike was stolen recently.. everyones convinced its him.. (i don't).. but then you know. when you have faith in an ex your obviously delusional >:P

... he wants too.. i want too.. we've already had extended make out sessions.. i just cant decide if the final leap will be one that is regretted.. we both still love each other.. but noone in my life will accept him again... is it better to just move on?.. or be happy with what we have in the present?

I would never romp again with my Ex (meaning that which I divorced). The sex was pretty wretched by the end. I had to mentally disconnect from him in order to enjoy anything at all.

Now, I've had other past partners that I romp again with on a casual basis.

Really depends on the circumstances and the person.

If you're thinking of going back for mainly this reason, I can tell you right now that it isn't going to work.

.. thats why i was looking at the casual side of things...

he is hell bent on 'changing' apparently after we broke up he realised it was because of his behaviour and he is not happy being that person. which is why he told me he wants to sort himself out before dating again..

if i had to judge the situation as it was when we broke up.. i'd tell you myself that it wouldn't work..

4 months later.. i'm not so sure.. and i can't decide if his efforts to change is to get me back and then revert or to actually make a new person of himself..

do you guys think a person can change?

So, the question you're REALLY asking is should you take him back, but it sounds like you've already decided to go ahead and give him another chance.

Since you originally asked about casual sex, I'd say you still haven't come to terms with yourself with the realities of what happened, and why. I side with your friends. You're being really naiive.

curcuma ur right.. .... damn... that sucks..

i really thought a person could change... well i guess that answers my question about the casual sex..

whats the point if theres no future.. it would just make things messy..

my next partner better be good.. i think that was another part of my problem.. i don't want to go back to a 'less amazing' sex life.. :P

Look. You have a mother who disrespects your boundaries in the guise of whimsy and generosity, and an ex-fiance who is just picking up where she's left off, invoking that tired old line: "but baby I've changed!". Vomit.

When do you put your foot down, girl?

Again, I agree with curcuma and EA. CTB makes a good point about familiarity. You're safe because he knows you. He doesn't have to put himself on the line for you.

Sure people can change but I don't think it happens very often.

Sounds like you'd be opening a huge can of worms. But its your can to open.

I don't think so.

When someone has put you through a difficult emotional wringer, well, darn it, its kinda nice to have your feelings validated.

... i guess i always give people the benefit of the doubt..

i'm a happy person.. so cant say that i'm all that adversly effected by it all.

i've been putting others first my whole life.. but it doesn't bother me.. i'm happy knowing that i can help or be there of others..

... is that weird?

I think it comes down to what part of yourself you sacrifice on a regular basis, for generosity's sake. It's beautiful to help and be there for others, and see the positive.

But... a surgeon doesn't have to give her own body parts to the patients in order to heal them.

... thats an interesting question..

.... i give up what i want to do on a regular basis because everyone around me makes decisions for me for my best interest...

on top of that they guilt trip me all the time.. not that its needed.. but whatever.. they're parents.. its what they do.. and they were the ones that supported me through my recent break up.. i wont forget that..

... i guess its time that i forfeit most of all.. but then isn't that what people say they regret not spending enough of with their parents ... at least i don't have to worry about that on my conscionse!

I find that people who get carried away with taking care of people actually do find, despite themselves, that they enjoy seeing the people they've cared for so carefully finally walking on their own two feet, even if it means walking a little bit away. Then they feel part of that success (though at first they might really resist and fret). Try it.

i wish things were that simple... my parents act as though their world would fall apart if i didn't contact them at least twice a week and visit once.. :P

I wouldn't do it for two very big reasons:

1) I'm not gay.

2) I don't plan to be.

Any other questions?

Grammatical humor exploitation aside, it would be nice if you could go back to an ex for "amazing sex." But I know exactly what people would say if they knew that was the reason--you're kidding yourself. Amazing sex has an amazing power to cloud issues, make you feel good and cement undeserved loyalties. This is why some people can fake their way through amazing sex at the beginning of relationships and once they've trapped you, stop just as quickly as they've started.



No, it's not weird. It's nice. I think it's how it should be. But, this means you have to be extra careful with whom you get close to because you can be taken advantage of pretty easily.

I think if you had sex with your ex, you'd find yourself right back in the old role. You don't sound like a "casual" sex person to me. I think you're trying to lie to yourself.

If I'm wrong about it, I'm wrong about it. But this is what I sense.

lol... your right .. i've never been a casual person..
how the hell did you pick that up?!

Actually, I think this is two separate issues ...

About the first, I don't think I could have "amazing" sex with a man I've broken up with. Too much water under that bridge.

The second - Yes, I've been one of those here who have said they feel they were lied to and trapped by their partners.

My Spidey sense seems to be pretty good these days. I'm kind of on a roll right now.

How? I identify with you. I know the path you're on. I am not a casual person. The posts you write are posts I could have written not so long ago.



I had amazing sex with my first girlfriend after we'd broken up, when she was feeling sorry for herself and rejected (Hmmmmm, kind of like she was when we met (though she hid it))--even if she's the one who called it quits.

She went from being very angry any time I tried to get close to her while we were together, to hanging out on the fence outside my window meowing like a cat in heat once we were apart. I let her in a few times. I had no problems with it, but of course, it's because I was hanging on. Emotionally, it was awful and shortly thereafter, I let her go never to speak to her again.

I think it was all just her toying with me, proving to herself how weak men really are. I don't think she expected me to be strong enough never to talk to her again. But it's been pretty easy.

Several years ago, I made the mistake - repeatedly - of going back for sex with an ex for whom I had very little respect. I ended up hating myself for it. So much so that I ended up on anti-depressants. So I'd say don't do it. You will regret it *unless* you still have a ton of respect for the guy.

Is this like, "better the devil that you know than the devil unknown?"

I can't assess this from experience, and circumstances dictate caution, but I'd venture an uneducated "Yes."

Yeah, I know that feeling too well. My relationship with my parents is rather like that. Used to be worse. Now I can seem to get away with emailing them once or twice a week, and I see them about once a month (though I'm often in their town for other reasons and stop by). I don't mind the emails. It's a nice easy way to stay in touch.

But Mom gets super worried if I drive alone down to NH to visit a friend for the weekend (if a friend goes with me, no big deal). The first time was hell. Now, it's getting so it doesn't bug 'em so much. Damn apron strings. Actually, it's issues with me leaving the state. They do care where I go within the state. But outside the state seems like another world to them.

(Shhhh! Don't tell them I went to Cali for a week this spring.)

Sometimes telling them after the fact helps. Depending. Still wrestling with if and when to tell them about the Cali trip. Almost slipped last time I saw them. I should, I know. Just.. still struggling with it.

Though I do plan to visit again, not to mention, I'd adore moving out there should some other stuff fall into place...

At some point, you just need to grin and bear it, I think.

Ex husband...HELL NO~!!! Ewe.

Ex boyfriend from H.S. we tried that...several times. Things never changed. I stopped calling b/c I wasn't moving forward with life. I haven't seen him now in ....oh, 8 years. But I think of him often.

My ex and I tried that..thinking we just want to get laid who cares, no strings attatched..yeah right. I ended up wanting to get back with him and things got messy and we did end up getting back together but not for long, I broke it off, but I should have never gotten back with him in the first place, it was a mistake. Just as I was finally over him and had moved on he came back in my life and thats when the sex started and it should have never happened. But..everyone is different..but Id say more times then none its a bad idea.

HUGE potential for disaster. You can both go into is swearing up and down that it's only casual, but once you're in the situation, feelings start to change. You could both wind up very hurt.

... this struck a nerve... maybe i am afraid of moving on... the weird thing is i was perfectly fine when he left.. i've been alone for 4 months without an issue.. no lonelyness.. sometimes feeling hurt but the rejection but nothing major.. everyone commented on how 'easily' i seemed to deal with it all...

i did love him... but i think by the end of it he made my life litterally hell... so why would i even consider wanting him back you rant?

...simple... the man i see now is the man i fell in love with.. the easy going, attentive.. good looking hunk i first saw.. i just can't bring myself to decide if its all an act or not.. i hope not..

in terms of a long term steady relationship.. there pretty much no hope of that, unless i wish to be painfully removed from the family... both my parents hate him because he turned into such an asshole after the initial break up...

..... its sad... but i really do hope that people are able to change... it would bring happiness to many if people actually turned into the people they say they want to be...

I say if there is no hope of you two getting back together, then def don't have sex with him b/c it will only give you false hopes and leave you feeling more hurt and more rejected. Be strong!! I know it's difficult but I think you will regret it if you do it.

We have a similar saying, "A chozzer bleibt a chozzer!"

Bleiben in the infinitive form means "to remain." So, a chozzer remains a chozzer. What's a chozzer? I should tell you.

i went through a very bad destructive break up in february. apparently ive found out that it wasnt that he couldnt be in a relationship , just that he wanted to have his fun with other girls. we causally text eachother bc i still cant let go ( he was my first love. my first everything). he began to tell me how badly he wanted me and i was the best hes had and every conversation turned sexual. when i explained to him i cant sleep with him if we arent together, he stopped calling. come to find out him and the girl he had been seeing had just broken up and he was just looking for the next lay. and hes already with someone else. all he wants is the sex and youre going to be the one hurt all over again. you'll never get the respect you deserve from him by letting him sleep with you without a relationahip. ill revert to the old sayin "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"

Here is the reason I would run far away from him if I were you:





Do you really want to go back there?????

I did it once and it was just a casual thing. Our relationship (not casual thing) was crap we faught all the time. He called me when he wanted to and vise versa. when we weren't together, we weren't together. we have now fallen in love and we are moving in together next month, so it turned out great for me. he's perfect!

I don't understand. You've fallen in love with the guy you fought with all the time? Now he's perfect? What changed?

Well the first relationship that we had been based more on selfishness than care and love. He hadn’t had a g/f in 2 years and I was just plain selfish and wanted to be with him ALL THE TIME. I think that he forgot how to care for another person in a relationship and I never learned to begin with (he’s 24 and I’m 21, so we are fairly young). He would be out with friend at night, sometimes he would ditch me for them. I wanted to see him all the time. Since he’d just moved back to town he was living with his family for a few months and that had a influence on us. So we fought over stupid things. He broke up with me. I was sad to say the least, but we both moved on and dated other people. About 5months later we ran into each other at a mutual friends house and he asked to hang out. I thought sure at least I could finally tell him he was an asshole. Turned out we had a great time and he kept calling me. He had just moved out into a new apartment and I was invited to see it. We ended up having sex and then continued a casual sexual relationship. I guess somewhere between our break up we both realized that we had made mistakes and now was time to correct them. He apologized and so did I. It slowly turned exclusive and then into a full-blown relationship. I can certainly say that we are both completely different people then we were in Round-1. We just had our one-year anniversary (have had maybe 2 fights all together this Round) and are moving in with each other in August. We both know that each other are The One.

It doesn’t happen often but I’m glad it happened to me!