I tried to have intercourse last night with a new partner. Penetration was quite painful and ultimately unsuccessful. This morning I used a jelly dildo to see what the hell is going on with me. It seems like about 4 inches is all I can handle. Why is this? It seems like a very short size for a penis. Probably, needless to say, I am fairly inexperience at this although not young!

Thanks for any advice.

Perhaps you have a short vagina. Or perhaps the deep part of your vagina wasn't open enough.

When we (generic we, that is, women in general) have sex, the deepest parts of our vaginas are less open at first. The longer it goes on and the more aroused we become, the more open our vaginas become, and the deeper the man can thrust.

There's also a condition called vaginismus. If you have vaginismus, your vaginal muscles tighten so much that intercourse is very painful and may not work at all. The reasons for it are unclear. Treatment usually involves therapy.

You say you're fairly inexperienced... does that mean you've had other partners before? Had you had little or no sex at all until now, or did you have sex with women in the past and only recently try it with a man? Don't feel obligated to answer those questions; they are personal. But if you've had sex with one or more men before, was it more comfortable with them, or him? Did your previous partner(s), if any, have a short penis? Four inches is short, but not impossible.

If you've ever had any sexual experience that wasn't consensual, that could be the reason for the problem, too. Past history of rape or sexual abuse may make your body shut down in a new sexual situation, even if it's consensual. This past history could even include a situation where you consented, but it wasn't what you really wanted.

Thanks, Green Tea.

Yes, I have only had intercourse a few times before with another man and it was equally as painful. I had tried to have sex with other men in my 20's but the same difficulty was experienced. I have never been with a woman, but have often considered it as my intimate connections seem always to be with women, not men.

I, too, have wondered if maybe my problems stem from not being aroused enough, ultimately, by men. I have, as well, had sexual experiences in my early twenties which included consenting but not really wanting to or, rather, just not being aroused enough but allowing penetration anyway. It seem like arousal is the key ingredient to having successful intercourse. Currently, I do feel aroused by the man I am seeing, but I also have certain feeling of ambivalence about having sex without really knowing him.

I know about vaginismus and will look into finding out if it applies to me, too. I guess a gynecologist would be the one to talk to. The other problem I believe I have is genital herpes. I have had oral herpes my whole life (got it from my mom), but I believe I may have transferred it to my vagina at some point and am wondering if that has anything to do with pain during intercourse. Of course, I need to discuss this with my partner and use a condom.

Anyway, thanks for the advice.

Peace.

Becky

If you're more drawn to women, that may be where you need to go. Most people have problems if they deny their true sexual orientation. Assuming, that is, that you have sexual feelings towards women, or think you might? I once met a woman who called herself "bisexual with a lesbian preference." That's what comes to mind when I write this.


I know I've had much better sex the better I know the man. Before my current relationship, which has been going on over eight years, I had sex with two other men. One of them I dated for about five or six months, and the other was a short fling. Sex with them was good enough, but it got even better with this one, and better the longer we've been together. If I don't know someone that well, I really don't want to have sex with him. The "must have sex after the third date rule" certainly doesn't work for me! Maybe that's true for you, too.

And another thought about your problem: do you ever use tampons? Menstrual cups? Have you had any trouble with those?

If it's something physically wrong with your vagina, it would probably be painful to use internal menstrual protection, too. (Then again, tampons would always hurt me because of how much they dried me out, but I don't have any problems with sex, or with using menstrual cups.) If you have no trouble at all using tampons, it would seem more likely that what's going on with you is specifically connected with sex.

Another idea -

There is a condition called a "tipped uterus" in which the uterus leans forward enough to effect a kind of closure deep in the vagina. It can develop due to many things, but one symptom is very painful intercourse. In and of itself it is not dangerous, but it is painful. A micro surgery repair is available in which a string holds the uterus in place until ligaments and tissues attach naturally. The string is then resorbed by the body. It involves two tiny incisions - maybe 1/4".

Yes, my gyno has told me that I do have a tipped uterus. Hmmm....I will discuss with her when next I see her. Thanks.

Yeah, no prob with tampons...

I am currently slowing down the rush to have intercourse again with this man and that is cool with him. There is heat all around us when we are together (!), but the more I get to know him, the safer I feel and know this will affect my openness later.

As for sexual orientation, well, I am going down the straight route for now. But will certainly take note of my attractions to women and try to understand them better--are they physical or emotional or both? I understand what you are saying about all of this and thank you for it.

Yep...my wife has this, as is apparently common w/some of the women in her family. It was suggested to us that this was possibly part of the reason it took us approx one yr to conceive. Also part of why she's always preferred anal over vaginal penetration ... although some of that is just her own subjective kink

Wow. Thanks for sharing that, dogstarman. I am certainly going to discuss this with my gyno.

Becky

OMG! are there mild forms of "tipped uterus?" i'm going to go look it up.
Maestrabg-I would definitely see my gynecologist if i were you and hold nothing back. Good luck and i want to know how it turns out!

Do you have any problems or issues with masturbation or using your fingers? Does girth hurt you as much as length? Are there different positions that make it easier or harder, such as being on your knees or sitting? Does your vagina elongate when you are very aroused (which is normal)? Can you ejaculate (squirt fluid)?

You can test this all out with your fingers and a dildo or vibrator, if you don't want to involve your partner.

The more information you can give your gynecologist, the better. and the research isn't bad, either. :-)