After a few weeks of dating, fooling around, and attempting intercourse, I told my new partner that I have herpes. It mostly shows up around my lips, but I have had legions on the labia of my vagina. He was thankful I told him, and admitted that this was a deal-breaker for a sexual relationship with him. Explained that he would probably get it and that if we broke up, he would be left with this. Probably getting it has to do with 1) him not wanting to use a condom and 2) the fact that even when we are not actively showing legion, herpes virus can be shedding and is contagious.

I am looking for any and all advice about having a sexual life with herpes.

Thanks to all.

Disclosure, and early disclosure. Condom use. Be honest with your partners and let them decide whether or not they want to take the risk. Eventually you'll find someone who is supportive and open and in the meantime, you'll find out who's really interested and who isn't!

Ok. Thanks. So, those that are not willing to take the risk are not really interested, is what you are saying? This man seemed quite supportive before I told him. Alas. Thanks for the advice.

Not that they're not interested, but it is a big step for someone to consider the risks to themselves and you'll certainly find out who is looking for a more in-depth relationship. I have a friend who has herpes and her long-time boyfriend dumped her because of it. He couldn't handle the idea of risking getting it every time they had sex, basically. He wasn't very educated about it and he didn't care to be.

The man she just married took it all in stride, because he was looking at the whole package. It could be that the guy you were seeing is just a little bit freaked out, which is understandable. Maybe he'll decide that the rest of you is worth the risk, and maybe he's not willing to take that step. The important thing is that you were honest and allowed him to make a decision.

What did he seem supportive of? A relationship in general? Or just sleeping together?

Yes, he was supportive of other issues that came up re: sex. I was hopeful that he'd be with this too, but it's an intense issue. What do you think about the fact that he said he never uses condoms because he can't feel enough? Anyway, it's sort of a moot point because I understand you can transmit the disease using a condom, anyway. So, there is always a risk, right? And the point here is that I need someone who will be willing to take that risk with me and be ok, if they get it, too.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. This is not easy.

perhaps it IS a blessing in a way. I would HAPPILY risk getting herpes and endure having it for the love of my life and i knew he was the love of my life sexually mentally etc BEFORE we had sex. It really comes down to pheromones first and personality compatibility second for me and i suspect all women if they happen upon someone who has the right pheromones for them(and men don't put them out all the time so you have to also happen to be in a situation when they are detectable)

so you are more likely to have time to find the right person for you and less likely to have the need for sex and companionship drag you into settling.

I was too immature for my true love so we broke up. there have been a few more pheromonally intoxicating men but we weren't right for each other- one was waaaaay too old, another was from a culture far too different for me and we didn't click totally personality wise.

ummm, my current partner and i were thrown together and now stay out of loyalty and affection and the need for stability. i'm trying to make things better sexually even though i know the lack of pheromone intoxication is the main problem. i've told him.
i hope all this pheromone stuff doesn't sound crazy to you. My doctor told me it was a delusion but he was a man so what the hell would he know about it? We're still barely out of the dark ages in understanding the female body and brain.

Yes, you can transmit it even when you are using condoms. I don't find it unusual that he has reduced sensitivity with condoms, my guy is the same way, condoms are our sexual death! So we had to sit down and talk about getting tested and all the rest before we really started sleeping together.

Are you on medication for the herpes? Have you seen a doc? There are pills they can prescribe to control flare-ups. No flare-up means no transmission. I have a friend with herpes who has happily used medication to control it for the past 8 years with the same partner. He's never caught it from her, and she's careful to know when she is flaring and when she isn't.

A pheromone is different from a scent. It is still not known if humans emit and are able to sense pheromones. Either you are talking about sexual chemistry or scent, not human pheromones.

If your partner really liked you, they'd find a way to work around it.

I'm new to this so I hope I'm posting in the right. I just got back from a week long cruise with my "first love" from 13 years ago (more of a crush, but first love nonetheless for that age) and during the cruie we had sex with each other for the first time. I started getting symptoms of a yiest infection within a few days of that, but figured since I was sitting around in my wet bathing suit that must have been why.

I couldn't do anything about it due to being on the cruise so when I got back this past Saturday, it burned to pee and got extremely uncomfortable to sit or do anything that touched that area. Now it had been 18 months since I previously had sex so I thought the soreness was from it being a little rough for how long it'd been, but I just got home from the doctor earlier and they said it's herpes.

I talked to the guy right away because we're good friends and he's very open about being sexually active, but also good about getting annual check-ups. I too get annual check-ups, but found out today that herpes isn't a regular check unless you're exhibiting signs so it often goes unnoticed. He's freaking out, but his doctor's going to see him Friday and actually told him, get this "I don't think you have it, you probably bit a bullet"... I couldn't believe that!

Now this guy hasn't had any symptoms and was completely shocked and freaked out when I told him and is trying to calm me down until he can get a test. My doctor did a visual test only, but said nothing else would look like what I have so he didn't need to do the other tests. Since my friend hasn't had anyone else call him to complain about a problem and hasn't had any symptoms himself, I understand him wanting to believe it's not the case.

Sorry this is so long, but my questions are:

1. Anyone catch it from someone that didn't know they had it cause they had no signs (I saw that he didn't have ANY signs of it)?

2. Anyone know if there's an accurate test for a guy that might carry it but never get the symptoms?

i checked web md on herpes tests. here's the link:
http://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/herpes-tests#hw264766

Thanks. Unfortunately, all of the tests they have seem to be only for obvious breakouts so guys that carry it and don't get signs can think they don't have it and I keep reading how inaccurate blood tests can be.

yep. ANY of us could have it. I could have it.