Good luck on wrapping your head around the situation and doing what's best for you, your sanity, and your self respect Janeys!

I read this book where the husbands friends sent pics of the husband to the wife of him cheating because the husband always told his wife the things his friends were doing and they eventually got back to their wives...so on a side now Im kinda wondering about the friends motives...

Oooh, could be the same thing, but I highly doubt it! sounds like an arse!

The friend might just have respect for her, saw the husband cheating and thought she should know. The video was the proof so that way her husband couldn't come back and say that he was lying cause of something else that happened while they were there.

There are other ways to prove it though. The "friend" could have told her first and make it clear that he had evidence. Then if she wanted to see it it would have been her choice. If someone sent me a video of my BF cheating on me I wouldn't thank them, to me it seems very cruel.

I think in a tech-saturated society, we use first, think later.
A video is iron-clad evidence.
To call him out, I'd forward the video, clearly showing it came from Janyes' phone. Now, I'm a tad mean, and I'd do it during a date or something. Send from the loo during a dinner and come back to the table nonchalantly.

I'm a believer in forgiveness. Not over and over, but that forgiving is good for the forgiver more than the recipient.
Why did he do it? swept in the moment, egged on by friends, drunk and stupid, underlying issues (he's probably wanting that family and his holiday plans as much as Jaynes is wanting to wait/ have her holiday plans).
Is there a good reason? probably not in a zero-tolerance for cheating relationship.
I learned long ago people are human, the flesh is weak, and everyone gets one chance to be an asshat.

I am going to go in a different direction than all you ladies, and I hope I don't piss you off because I certainly understand and empathize with every posting above.

But is it *really* worth leaving your husband over a blow job at some bachelor party?

Really?

If it is, there is other, more important material at stake here, like the fact that he disregards your feelings or can't be trusted. But if you leave him over anger and spite, to "teach him a powerful lesson he'll learn each day," you would be doing the proverbial cutting off your nose to spite your face, if what you do to yourself is end up alone and lonely.

Why in God's name his idiot friend sent you the video, I have no idea. That isn't being a friend to either one of you. Maybe he's trying to come between you for some reason?

You are unhappy and need to decide if you want to be unhappy together, and work on this, or you want to be unhappy alone, and not. Either way, you are going to be unhappy and hurting for awhile.

You two should talk this out in the sober light of a new day. Try to put the hurt aside long enough to come clearly to some resolution. Maybe, you need some distance and time to figure this out. So don't rush it.

I feel your pain, really I do. Many people including me have been through a lot worse on both sides of the ball. Together, you will be stronger if what you want to do is choose each other freshly each day and move forward. Or, decide together that like a burning fighter plane, your relationship is irrecoverable, and eject before you hit the ground.

I completely disagree. I think cheating (and yes, a blowjob is still cheating) is the lowest of the low. It shows an utter disregard for your partner and complete lack of respect for them and what you have together. It doesn't matter where it is. I think anger is a completely justifiable reason to leave, when it's anger over something like this. The OP deserves better than that and personally I'd rather be alone than be with someone who treated me that way. But that's just me and my experience. I couldn't stay with someone who cheated and I wouldn't expect them to stay with me if I had.

Forgive me for asking an obvious question--but what is a more obvious sign of disrespect or disregard than letting some random skank at a party suck your dick? What if she had a cold sore and he passes on herpes to his partner? What if he had sex with her and she gave him an STI, that he then passes on to his partner?

I can see, in some ways, forming an emotional attachment with someone and cheating that way, I can see kissing even--but to me, letting someone you don't know is clean, you might not ever have seen, be intimate with you ON VIDEO at a party does not show the kind of regard to your partner that you should have in a marriage.

It might not be *worth* leaving your husband if there were other circumstances to the cheating--but to me, a man who would let a girl blow him at a bachelor party, and then go home to his wife and small children, is not a man *worth* having as a husband, not necessarily because of the physical act of cheating itself, but the disregard that kind of behavior shows for your long-term partner in terms of possible health outcomes.

OlderMan, I get that there are many reasons for couples to cheat, not cheat, go outside the relationship, whatever you want to call it--but I think that going outside your relationship when you have committed to a marriage DOES show a disrespect for your partner, and if you're doing it repeatedly, then maybe you shouldn't be married--whatever the reason.

Im not and have never been married, but I have given a relationship another try after cheating because I had no proof that anything physical happened...I think that if I had then things would have been entirely different..and in the end I left the guy alone for the very reason of disregard or lack of consideration for my feelings, knowing that there is no way in the world he would want me to do what he had done. Cheating is a very hurtful thing as it is causes a gross decimation of trust and regard. However, you have to let each individual decide if its more important to believe that person will not do it again and let them show that or that they want something different and thus move on. I think its important to think of something that was said "where you unhappy before the cheating came to light and will you be unhappy if you decide to stay?" I think in that situation its a no brainer.

VERY VERY well said! and true.

Yet another true statement! Right now you are going through the initial hurt/angry phase. Your emotions are going to be on a roller coaster right now, so making any decision should be out of the question.

Totally true that everyone must decide--but didn't she say this was far from the first time things like this have happened? I think that needs to be kept in mind too. There's a big difference between being swept away in the moment once and being swept away in the moment whenever you feel like it.

Ladies, I'm not arguing that janeys should stay; I'm saying she shouldn't necessarily leave because she's angry and upset right now. I'm saying they need to talk this out together, ALL of it, and then she can decide what to do.

Janeys, if you had kids and major assets together, divorce would be a tougher option. (Maybe you co-own a house, I don't know). That's why [people often choose to stay in their life circumstances even with evidence of sexual betrayal. That doesn't apply here.

You say he's cheated once before five years ago - that is not "far from the first time;" it makes this the second time. I have no idea what your husband's track record is, whether there have been other times you don't know about, whether he knew he was being videoed (sounds like he did not), or any of that other stuff above.

You've been married for seven years and haven't started a family because you're not ready. Do you think you might have been ready at some point soon? With your first and only love? I sense there is something else holding you back, so perhaps there is more to this relationship uncertainty that what just happened. But I don't know that. That's what I meant by "other material here."

And yes, girls, I hate to break it to you, but the reality is that many, many men (and women) make stupid mistakes. Over 50% have cheated, and that figure is probably low due to self-reporting. Most people deserve to be given a chance to prove they are worth forgiving and keeping, IMO. And those relationships can become stronger than they were. Then there are others where there is dysfunctional serial cheating and no underlying basis for a true committed relationship.

This is not easy. ALL the cards need to be on the table before an informed decision can be made that will permanently change two lives with pain of its own. Janeys, you can't tell yet if he has the 7 year itch or crossed a line he shouldn't have crossed in his OWN mind. Before you unilaterally declare your relationship and marriage with your first and only love is over, you deserve to know.

i agree

There are many worse things than being alone. Like not being with someone who respects you, or not respecting yourself.

Of course there are instances where someone can forgive and move on, but that's usually a one-time deal. In this particular case, it's what, the second time? That she knows about.

And being alone sucks, but ask anyone who's been in a committed relationship for a stretch, and they'll tell you that there are ways to feel lonely, even with a partner!

And being alone is usually temporary. There are many people who end up moving on to a much better relationship, but it took the initial courage to strike out alone.

I'm interested in how things are developing with you, Janey. For what it's worth I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.

Olderman I can definately see your point of view, and I do know what it's like to be cheated on, I also know what it's like to be the cheater and I am living proof that a relationship can come out of the other end even stronger.

However, could I have forgiven if I had actually seen the act? I honestly don't think I could. How often would that image pop back into your head? Knowing that something happened and actually being able to see what happened are different.

I also know what it's like when it seems you both want different things from a relationship. My BF wanted to start a family way before I did, I honestly didn't think I would ever want children. This caused ALOT of problems between us and I told him on a number of occasions that I wouldn't blame him if he left me, I felt like he would resent me if he never had children. Slowly my views changed on that one though and eventually we were both on the same page there.

At the end of the day Janey knows her relationship better than anyone else and only she will know what is right for her to do. I do think you have to be very carefull though when cheating can become a pattern. I have it seen it far too many times in real life where a partner gets away with it over and over again untill evetually it seems to become a way of life for them.

Ive been through this too but ur very lucky his friend told u so u were not walking around like a fool and everyone knows wat happened ..unlike me i had to find out the hard way ..so ur lucky someone told u alot of mens friends are not like that they will keep their frinds secret cuz they think this crap is cute not knowing how much it hurts..I say when he gets home throw the video in his face!!!The rest is in ur hands sweetie no one can make this decision for you but you..!! Good Luck

Janey, any update on how this situation is turning out?