Okay, so we're not getting married until June 2012, but we have the usual dilemna of who to invite.

Both my parents are remarried, and so I have many step relatives. I do not want my step mums siblings/nephews etc, they are nice don't get me wrong, but I have NO r.ship with them. And in my view you should have people that are important to both of you.

My Mum is insisting that my step dad's sister and hubby come, again I have no relationship with them, but she's my Dad's only sister.

And then there's the biological cousins, I want some, but not others. Arghhh!

What would and did you do?

"Mum, that's not going to work for us. It's our wedding and we want only the people that are important to us to be there. That will make it the special day we deserve. I'm sure you understand why we won't be inviting people due to politeness or expectations. It is a matter both of principal and cost. This is not up for discussion and I hope you respect that."
If she continues to bring up the subject repeat the phrase; "This is not up for discussion and I hope you respect that." until she stops. Make it a mantra, and if you are a softie, practice in front of the mirror. Problem solved.
You are not being rude, just direct. It is your wedding, you'll never get a redo so don't settle for less than what you want. You deserve that.

For the cousins. Invite who you want. It really is that easy. If the issue comes up, say that unfortunately you had to prioritize due to cost. Tell people it was a difficult decision for you, that you had a hard time with it, but that you had to draw the line somewhere and you chose to invite the people that you have the closest relationship to.

You don't have to justify, explain or argue. It is your day, your wedding and you do with it exactly as you want. People will understand. If they don't, it is their problem not yours. Don't indulge the drama.

My two cents, but I tend to be direct, to the point and fair. I find it is easier in the long run. Good luck!

another thing that will usually shut up relatives that are insisting on "helping" with the guest list, is "well we only have enough budget for a certain number of guests, so if you would like so and so to be able to attend you will have to pay for their seat(s)!" that usually either forks up some cash, or quiets them all together lol!

TT,

Is your Mother paying for the wedding?

If so then she has a bit more "pull" on the guest list.

Long story short, IMHO whoever is footing the bill for the wedding should have the final say. Unless as PGoon suggests, someone wants to chip in for their "extras".

Best wishes for a happy and memorable big day!

gw

Greywolf, what is your reasoning?
Mother is not paying for her own wedding, she is giving a gift (if she is helping out fincially). Gifts really shouldn't come with conditions imo, then it stops becoming a gift and starts being bribery. Thin line.

Of course, if money is the only reason why Toffee doesn't want to invite everyone, problem is solved if someone forks out the cash. If she just wants people she is close to regardless of money, that decision is hers and her partners. It should be respected. She shouldn't feel pressured just because someone else is volunteering to pay for it. That kind of pressure is kind of manipulative and petty imo.

Thanks for the replies, the problem is both sets of my parents are paying....

*sigh*

yeah that does put you in a pickle... KN, in the US anyways its just customary that whoever is paying for the wedding gets some say on the guestlist, i dont believe that means they get to make the final decision, that is up to the bride and groom, but if they are paying and they feel very strongly about a certain guest being there, the polite thing to do is to invite them. granted that doesnt mean thats how it always works!!

toffee, i think you and DF need to sit down with both (or all) sets of parents (separately) and have a chat, and just tell them exactly how you feel! tell them you just want to have a close intimate wedding with those you are closest too! hopefully they will understand. both you and the parents might have to make some slight compromises, but just remind them how grateful you are for their help, but that it is your day and you just want it to be how you envisioned!!!

Ah, I understand.
It's weird how the same scenario can be seen from two so different perspectives. Where in one place it's impolite not to give a say to those paying, in another it would be impolite to make such conditions. I can see both views.

Good luck Toffee! I'm sure if you keep the lines of communication completely open you will all come to an agreement.

It's not fair how it turns it to being about them! Grrrr, I think my OH will be a lot firmer than me...

its not fair, it really isnt, but it does happen. my mom didnt make any stink about anything before the wedding, she saved it for DURING the wedding, and threw a big huge hissy fit that she couldnt get the one picture with my FIL and me and hubby right when she wanted it, then proceeded to go downstairs in a fit and eat dinner without us, with the guests while we were finding FIL to take the damned picture she wanted!!! when we got him ready, she was gone UGH. then she wanted to do it right when we were getting ready to do the garter/bouquet toss. i have no idea what was going through her mind.

My Mum said she won't interfere too much hehe. Rich thinks we should send emails out when we've booked it in the new year, to say who is invited and that there's no changing it! I'll let him do that hahaha x

A wedding is a big day for the parents too. And if they are shelling out a bunch of money, it's not unreasonable for them to have preferences about who they want to come share it with them.

I understand what you're saying, but I don't think in this case it's that they want to share it with them, it's more a case of feeling they have to.