Hey guys,

I've actually used this forum for years but I want to change my name as i think it has now become a nickname that's too obvious for people who know me in real life and I'd rather remain annonymous.

I really need some help. My long term bf has mentioned he wanted to try anal with me a little while back and I flipped out. I don't know if there's something wrong with me but the idea terrifies me. I have tried it drunk once with an ex but had no self respect for myself then.

Anyway I thought the idea had gone away but it's come back up again and I just don't know what to do.It seems to be interferring with our sex life now. I wish I weren't so apprehensive. I love him and want to please him. But i feel offended. Like it would be degrading for me.

He's experienced this with his past gfs and so now it's like something I'm holding out on him. He's not pressuring me but has also stressed that it's not something he wants to go without for the rest of his life. I'm angry and sad and hurting because I could see myself spending my life with this man. But if i dont' do it for the right reasons it could ruin us anyway.

I guess my main question is. Can anal sex ever be loving? (and don't think this has ANYTHING to do with homosexuals because I'm sure it is for the guys, and my sisters a lesbian and I have no problem with that!) But for a heterosexual couple could it be loving, making love or is more just a 'sex' thing?

And one more thing that gets to me is what's wrong with my pussy that he feels the need to stick it up my ass?!

There's nothing wrong with your pussy but guys sometimes just want some variety. Anal sex is somewhat taboo so that makes it tempting. I used to do it occasionally with my first wife. Usually it was because she suggested it and I went along. But for me, although I liked it, vaginal sex feels better.

If you are uncomfortable with doing it then I suggest you don't do it. However if you would like to try you can try to learn to relax so it won't be painful. You can train to relax by using a dildo and lots of lube. I've let some women use toys on me and after training I find it quite pleasant.

Well, personally I love anal! And I do find it a very "loving and intimate" act to do with my partner
My advice, first make sure you are really clean back there, just for your own peace of mind. second, if he doesn't already, let him stimulate your anus with his fingers and tongue. third, like Graham said, lots of lube. and finally, the best way for you to be really relaxed so that you can open up and take him in, make sure you have a few good orgasms first (works for me!)

I think if you really love this guy, and he has honestly stressed to you that he loves anal sex, you should at least try with him. Just shooting the idea right down without any effort is selfish. Imagine him not at least trying to enjoy a natural poart off sex that you enjoy? Sexual compatibility is HUGE when thinking about a long term relationship, bigger than most are willing to admit.

Anal sex is not bad or dirty. It is not degrading. It is a natural beautiful part of sex. To me "Making Love" is the term you use when you give yourself completely to another.

I totally agree with Alice. I recommend a spooning position. It works great and is more "loving" feeling than doggie style. I dont think it means he has any issues with your pussy. It just feels different, like a bj. I also would drink a little before to help keep you relaxed.

It is completely 100% your call as to whether you want to share anal sex with your partner, and completely 100% within your rights to say "No" with or without trying it first.

It's also completely 100% within his rights to want anal sex, and I applaud his clarity and openness in telling you that he needs it to be part of what he shares with his lifetime partner.


Indeed. After two failed marriages and assorted other experiences learning about myself and others, when I began dating again I was very open very early on about my sensual/erotic/touching needs. Fundamental commitment to mutual pleasure rather than just individual pleasure, absolutely yes. Lots of touching as a routine part of communication and everyday life, absolutely yes. Lots of sensual and erotic exploration and celebration, absolutely yes. Lots of oral sex and lots of penetration, absolutely yes. Anal sex, sorry, no, not a chance.

Not that those are the "right" needs. They're just mine, and I'm old enough and experienced enough to know they're genuine and permanent and an inherent part of my nature, and that I needed to find someone with a very similar nature rather than fight later on about the differences.


Anything can be loving and lovemaking, and anything can be unpleasant or degrading--it's all in the context.

If your aversion to anal sex is a knee-jerk reaction, based on your one prior unpleasant experience or on what you grew up being taught was "bad," perhaps it's something you could let yourself explore with an open mind, gently and lovingly.

If it's deeper, based on enough experience and reflection that you know what you know, then your incompatibility with your bf in that regard is a serious issue. As with any other serious incompatibility issue (mismatched introversion/extroversion levels, political and religious philosophies, risk preferences, financial management actions, degree of comfort/security/relaxation in each other, etc) hiding from it won't make it better and the two of you will have to decide whether your relationship can continue.

All the best to you.

Thank you all for your perspectives. It has been very helpful! My partner and I had a loooong talk about all of this. And i guess I just needed to feel that my fears and concerns were heard. Fortunately I do have a very loving man. Maybe one day I will try it. For now I think I'll take my time exploring other areas. I used to have a highly religious background and abuse so I think these things may come into play with how I react just discussing the subject. So until that day I'd like to just learn more. I think the more i know. The less "scary" these explorations become.

It's been good to hear it from some women that anal sex can still be loving. I think Allaboutsharing's reponse :Anything can be loving and lovemaking, and anything can be unpleasant or degrading--it's all in the context. Really helped. My first emotional response to anal when it was brought up was "he doesn't love or respect me anymore". I know it's stupid but for some reason that's how I felt.

Sex can be fun and naughty and dirty for me but initially if i did anal i'd need it to be a lot milder and more emotionally sensitive as it'd be so new for me. Kind of like losing my virginity again so to speak!

Alice - just wondering what you meant about getting clean etc. Or maybe i'll look for any threads which talk about how you prepare or how you can use toys to work your way up? Eventually it may be something I want to consider.

Thanks for all the help guys!

hello! it looks like you were satisfied by the replies, but i wanted to add in my two cents.

anal can be very loving and very stimulating. i felt the same way you did once, but i was with a very loving man and i was curious. i think if you talk about your fears and expectations ahead of time, and are very open throughout the process you may actually learn to LOVE IT. the most intense orgasm i have EVER had was through anal. it just hits a different way. it also leaves fingers and other things free for exploring other areas. =) exactly like everyone else says, go very slowly, lots of NORMAL lube (this is not the time for anything with a tingle to it!), and clean up a bit. we actually made an evening of it and took a bath together and cleaned each other there...lots of play before hand. it was actually a huge turn-on how tender and protective he was of me and my feelings the first time! i don't do it now, i'm single and i will only do that with someone i am very comfortable and intimate with, but i'm sure i will again when the time is right. even now, i need to start slow and be very relaxed, but it can be a lot of pleasure, and you'd be surprised how much you might grow to like it (if you end up enjoying it enough to do it again). after he gets started slow, you may realize it is good, even if he goes harder.

again, only you know you, and if it isn't right for you, and you feel pressured, obviously, say no! =)

Thanks Yogitx. I'm very glad you added your two cents. It was very reassuring.

I guess it's just so often when anal is mentioned it's in some dirty sleazy way. I'm with a very loving man so i guess i was worried it would change us in some way. Eventually i think i will try it. For now he is being understanding and not pressuring me. Our relationship is more important. And I needed to know that.

I had a very religious upbringing (no longer following) and a little abuse. It wasn't sexual in nature that I can remember but there have been some things Ive had to work through just being comfortable and feeling safe with men.

It had certainly helped reading other womens responses. I mean, why do something that makes you feel bad? It sounds like some women legitimately enjoy it so hopefully i will too. If not I'll cross that road when i come to it. I just didn't want to let my fear of trying something so foreign to me prevent me from trying or ruin it if i did.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure to have anal sex. How do I know if my boyfriend is just using me?

Has he said anything to make you feel that way?
Is he willing to talk things through and be patient with you?
I haven't had it yet but I know it was very important to my boyfriend that we at least discuss it. I got very upset over the matter feeling like maybe he didn't respect me or that is was derogatory in some way. A lot of people on here have had some good advice and positive opinions so that helped.

Um...don't you know your boyfriend well enough to answer that question, regardless of the topic? If not, start there before proceeding to anal.

I can say I love anal sex.... when I first tryegd it I told my self never again.. But now that im with someone I trust with my life I no he nos that u cant be rough with that at first and if its ur first time dont just think that ur pussy juice is anuff for the lube cause u will find its not... Anal lube works wanders.... And yes the hole fact that u poo out that still gets me but ur lover knows that as well and it does not mean something is wrong with ur pussy. Thats kinda like saying whats wrong with ur mouth cause he wants ur pussy.... And yes with or with out lube it will hurt but just try to relax and try diffrent way of doing it some ways are not as painfull

If hes trying to make u do it tell him if he lets u stick ur toy up his butt then he can do it to u no one can make u do it.and if its something u dont want to do it will not be any enjoyment for u

Older man has a point...maybe figure out your relationship first.

My advice here is quite simple and I think you might find it the perfect solution to your dilema - please consider the following:

01. Go out and buy the biggest / thickest black strap-on you can find - then bring it home and hide it somewhere convenient and to hand.

02. Set the mood at home - usually girly rubbish you lot get up to, foul smelling candles, put some rubbish dago music on belting out Amor Amor Toujour Le bloody Amor, and if you havent got a dimmer switch, rip a few bulbs out of their fittings - he can always get the Leci to come round the next day - then wait for him to come home and have a nice tin of his favourite Mouse Beer warming for him between your thighs.

03. Put something sexy on of course and dont wear a bloody bra, you know how useless we are with those bloody contraptions and have him come and plonk himself down near you (making sure the dirty devil washes first of course - and dont forget to yell after him "and pull your bloody forekin back and get last weeks sludge out")

04. Now you have him in the mood and with his 14 inch throbber out (sorry 4 inch) tell him you hav a surprise for him re the Anal matter - that should get the first cum shoot out and as you know well, he should now be able to last longer the next time - as much as 45 seconds the next time?

05. Whip out the Dildo, strap it on and say "you first darling, bend over and say Baaaa Baaaaa Black Sheep, have you any wool, surgical spirit, menthol and oh yeah, is there by any chance a doctor in the house, please"

There you go darling, that should shut him up - or then again, have him screaming even when he leaves the A&E department of your local hospital.

& dont ferget to wear yer wellies :P helps set the mood

So many mixed messages. I guess I'll have to make up my own mind. But I have a very loving man who would rather have me than anything else so I guess that is the main thing. I was pretty scared by the idea at first or thought it was perverted but then some other people seem to think it can be pleasurable and just as loving. Then some seem to think run in the other direction. Wish it were all a lot more simple. We've progressed a little. Just getting comfortable with that area. Not ready to go any further yet.

Go slow. Be together. Make it loving. Don't be afraid.

If he's using you, he'll rush you and say, 'i could.go elsewhere for sex/partner
Relationship, if he's a keeper he'll wait, and won't bash you over the head going on and about anal. Cool?

Good advice Evel-inkk. And yeah he's not mentioned it in quite some time. Which has actually made me a lot more open and willing to the idea. So I think i'll buy a starter kit and move on when i'm ready.