Hi! I read the boards once in a while but havent posted before. I have a dilemma and want to start hearing some other perspectives on it.
My husband and I have been married just coming up 2 years. We dated for 2+ years before marriage and have known each other for about 8 years in total. We were introduced on a "blind date" type situation originally and dated for about a month back then but I was young and just out of a very intense relationship and just wasn't into him or dating at all at that point. We dated on/off briefly a few times over the course of the 8 years before I finally committed to him. He had always been serious about being with me but it took me a VERY long time to feel like I wanted to be in a serious relationship with him.
Anyway, he is a wonderful man. He is caring, he is sweet, he works hard, he loves me immensely and he would go to the end of the world and back if it would make me happy. Our relationship has been largely really great, we are mostly very supportive of eachother and until recently we never argued. We enjoy eachother's company and there is little that I can actually complain about.
Except, well, I don't think I am in love with him. I mean, I'm not sure I ever was to be honest. I think I fooled myself into believing he was "the one" because he is really a great partner, and my friends/family all love him, and it seemed to make sense, rationally. I have ALWAYS felt that something is missing, and for a long time was able to shrug it off and push that aside. Over the past year I have had a harder and harder time doing this and am now at the point that I am married to him but don't really feel like we are "together." I can barely stand the thought of physical intimacy with him - it now feels awkward and somehow wrong. It did not used to be that way but I can look back and realize that although physically I enjoyed intimacy at one time, I have never felt that it makes me feel closer emotionally to him, something I HAVE experienced in past relationships.
I feel like our relationship is somewhat superficial in that I don't really feel an underlying connection to him. He often does not understand me, I often don't understand him. I know he loves me and I love him as well but I think I feel a more platonic love rather than romantic love for him.
This past year has been a real challenge for us. I have been feeling increasingly unsure that I made the right choice, and he has dealt with some personal issues as well. We have argued more, and he can be insanely irrational and unfair when we argue, which just pushes me furhter and further away. But at the end of the day, we can still enjoy eachother's company.
Anyway, I guess my conundrum is: stay or go? For now, I am staying put, to make sure that this is not just a passing phase that I am going through. I am also worried that I may end up messing up a relationship that, overall, is pretty good albeit somewhat unfulfilling. What if I never found something better? Is this just how it is?
Any advice/sympathy/stories are appreciated. I have gotten some good input from a few close friends but this is a real struggle for me.