A new study claims that developing a particular conversational style with your children bolsters their sense of security, and equips them with self-esteem and social competence that they carry into adulthood. While the study, in Attachment and Human Development, shows that conversational styles are developed early, there are still things that you can do to increase your child's sense of belonging. While parent-children conversational styles develop as soon as a child can talk, the children of parents who prompt them to contribute to emotion filled recollections of shared family histories are less insecure. "These conversations are much easier and more evident in secure parent-child relationships in which parents are sensitive to their children's communication. Children are also more likely to participate in the conversation," says researcher Kelly K. Bost.
Bost believes that elaborative conversations help to strengthen family ties by promoting memory development and the ability to communicate personal narratives. "It's important because, through our conversations, we're helping our children organize their life experiences in their minds, understand them, and be able to tell people about them," says Bost. She adds that children who develop these abilities early-on are much better equipped to deal with future social networks outside of the family unit. "A secure parent-child relationship provides a framework for future relationships with peers and romantic partners," says Bost.
But for parents whose attempts at becoming involved in their child's life are rewarded with nothing more than a dismissive grunt, Bost's findings may seem a little unlikely. So, what's the secret?
Bost found that the history of the parent was important. "When mothers had secure relationships with their parents, they were more likely to respond sensitively to their own children, suggesting that these behaviors are intergenerational," says Bost. The study showed that a mother's own sense of security fostered an environment where children felt secure enough to speak openly with their parents. "That openness is an important social skill to hand down to children because labeling and understanding emotions are very important for any kind of social relationship," Bost explained.
"When you pick your son up at school and ask about his day, try to pull him into the conversation and be responsive to his communication. Keep asking open-ended questions - get him to elaborate. If you can provide an emotional touchstone from years past, do that too," suggests Bost.
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
