A new Northwestern University study has found that speed daters who romantically desired most of their potential partners were rejected quickly and overwhelmingly. The more you tend to experience romantic desire for all the potential romantic partners you meet, the study shows, the less likely it is that they will desire you in return (think: too desperate, too indiscriminate.) In contrast, when you desire a potential partner above and beyond your other options, only then is your desire likely to be reciprocated (think: hallelujah, finally, someone really gets me.)
Writing in the journal Psychological Science, the researchers describe how potential partners who seem undiscriminating are a definite turnoff, and those who evoke the magic of "feeling special" are a big draw. "The wild part is that our speed-daters were negotiating all of these subtleties with only four minutes for each date," said researcher Paul W. Eastwick.
Traditionally, it has been difficult to observe initial romantic attraction in action, but the speed-dating methodology used in this study allowed the investigators to take a serious look at the chemistry that has been at the center of so much literature, art and imagination throughout the ages.
"How this all happens is a bit of a mystery," said co-researcher Eli J. Finkel. "Put yourself in the position of a speed dater. You're not only able to pick up something about the degree to which that person likes you, but you're able to pick up - in four minutes - the degree to which that person likes you more than their other dates. It's amazing."
"People who like everyone, unlike in a friendship context where they generally are liked in return, may exude desperation in a romantic context," Finkel added. "It suggests to us that romantic desire comes in two distinct flavors: selective and unselective."
The need to feel special or unique plays an important role in intimate relationships and friendships and the researchers say that there is a distinctive anti-reciprocity effect if this need is not satisfied in initial encounters with potential partners. "If your goal is to get someone to notice you, the unselective flavor is going to fail, and fast," they conclude.
Source: Northwestern University
