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 Ask Aphrodite
Counsellor Charmaine Saunders is available to help with advice on relationship matters and issues affecting your love life. You can email Charmaine and each week she'll answer reader's questions on this page. You can also take advantage of Charmaine's experience in providing real solutions to life's difficulties with personal online counseling. You might also like to visit the Dating Doctor for more relationship advice.
Lack Of Chemistry
May 8, 2008
Q. I need your help. Recently I got to know this guy from an online friends community and we clicked very well online. I had been heartbroken before but his sudden arrival into my life restored some of my faith in love once again, although I did not initiate any signs of interest as he is always the one who initiates our chat sessions, I had unconsciously fallen for him as he seemed very into me and showered me with all his care and attention even through phone calls. I went out with him for a date the second time he asked me out. The date went okay and although I felt that it was normal for us to not talk much because we went for a movie (which is obviously a conversation-killer) and because we both felt nervous around each other, he blames it on the lack of chemistry between the both of us and has since lost interest in me. He has also stated reasons that he has gotten a bad first impression of me when I arrived late and when I asked him whether we are going "dutch" as I felt it was only considerate for me to ask him since I do not expect guys to pay for me. However, we are still friends now and are still on talking terms but how do I convince him that chemistry itself needs some amount of work and that first impressions are not always reliable? Should I move on or try to win this guy back?
A. This is one of the many dangers of online dating - interacting with someone you haven't seen in person is very different to a face-to-face meeting. An internet connection is a meeting of the minds. When you see a person in the flesh, a lot of other factors come into play. I think the business about you being late and going dutch are just red herrings, excuses. The chemistry issue is real. At least he told you straight. Be grateful for that. It's no one's fault. You can't force attraction. Just because he doesn't feel "that" way about you is no criticism of you so stay friends by all means but keep searching for a guy who will be interested in you beyond the computer screen.
Interstate Romance Wrecked
May 1, 2008
Q. Me and my baby's father have been together for two years and we love each other so much and have complete trust in each other. We live in different states but we don't see that as a problem. During the end of June, I broke up with him because I was not sure what I wanted and two weeks later he met and had sex with another girl. They were messing around and hanging out everyday and I barely talked to him when we were broken up but my feelings came back hard and I wanted him back.
In the beginning of October, we got back together and a week after that, he cheated on me with her. As of now, he no longer stays in contact with her and does not answer her calls. The problem is before I moved out of state, our sex life and friendship was amazing and something I never experienced. We had sex 3 times every night all days of the week including quickies during the day. Our friendship was great, we laughed and joked all the time and when I moved, it was still good, we would sit on the phone for hours talking about the stupidest things and had no problem starting and holding conversations. After he stopped talking to the girl and we got back together, I felt like our convo wires were shut down. We still talk for hours but we don't talk about the stupid things like we used to and also I feel funny if I bring up something stupid to talk about because I feel like he doesn't want to talk about stuff like that anymore.
It is hard to hold a convo on one topic for hours like we used to. Now I constantly ask about the girl and about what they talked about and things they did while having sex and he gets mad because he tells me he does not want her or think about her and I need to get over it but it is so hard to and I really don't know how. I get more mad because I never wanted another girl to experience the side of him that only I as his girlfriend knew, his sexual sensitive side. I recently went to visit him with our son and all was great, he loved being with our son and me and even bought me a very expensive promise ring, but our sex was non-existent. We only had sex 8 times out of my 15 days being there and I had to start it off and I did all the work including the foreplay and got nothing in return. He used the excuse that he has been tired since he started his job but he started it a month before he began messing with the girl and he told me they had sex almost everyday about 3 times not including her giving oral and he would always start it off by kissing or touching her, so he can't use the excuse he is tired.
When I was there I felt like he only did it just to make me happy but he insisted that he wanted to. I gave him a lap dance in a sexy bra and panty set and teased him but I thought he didn't really pay attention and wasn't able to stay erect. Please help give me any advice you can. I don't know what to do. I love him so much and can't picture my life without him being my man. I want to forget about the other girl because I know he does not talk to her at all but I keep asking about her and keep thinking he was and still is more sexually and physically attracted to her than me because I was able before to make him erect by just kissing him and now I can't even do it with something he has always wanted me to do.
A. Are you really sure he's stopped seeing the other woman? If he has, then has it occurred to you that he's lost interest in sex, not because he's thinking of the other woman but that he is turned off by your jealousy? You might think that's hard but I wouldn't be helping you by sugar-coating the situation. The big lesson out of your dilemma is not to do things impulsively but stop and think before you act - always. Most human problems are caused by lack of forethought. If you had been more careful with your feelings in the first place, your guy wouldn't have had the opportunity to go with anyone else. Anyway, that's all water under the bridge now and you need to let go of the past, forgive AND forget. Of course it's hard but you're destroying the relationship as things are now. Stop focusing on sex and concentrate on rebuilding trust. Your guy has made it clear he wants to be be with you so work on the relationship and being happy together. In time, the rest will work out.
Good Loving Gone Bad
April 24, 2008
Q. I have been in a relationship for about 4 months, the first three we abstained from intercourse, however dallied in foreplay. This was satisfying at the time, although there were moments of frustration because we could not 'finish what we started'. We have been having intercourse for about a month now and I have to say that it is decent at best. I long for the days when we didn't have intercourse and spent a long time kissing, holding each other, heavy petting etc. I had a better time doing this and significantly more orgasms than I do now. Now I feel like our sex life is just a rush for him to orgasm and sleep, although he prides himself on getting his female partners to always orgasm first - this has not been the case thus far, but was before intercourse was involved. He asked me recently if I was unsatisfied and I told him I felt that he was inattentive and I frequently felt that he was insensitive and more concentrated on himself than our mutual enjoyment. My reaction has been a loss in libido, frustration towards him, and sometimes feeling overly critical - to the point where I don't even want be around him, and I am angry at him and when he tries to initiate sex, I deny him because the task is too disappointing for me. I am upset that my feelings are so superficial. I feel like this problem is compounding the fact that at times I help him financially, which also frustrates me, and in turn makes me feel like I have a kid and not a boyfriend. He pays me back when he can but is broke most of the time, to the point where he can only eat when he is at my house thus he is always over. Argh. What should I do? Is there a self-help book for couples that could spice things up for us?
A. This represents a fundamental difference between men and women. Women need a lot more than just intercourse as a general rule to find satisfaction. Your guy was more attentive when there was nothing except foreplay but once intercourse was on offer, he reverted to a bit of selfishness in bed, unfortunately. I can certainly understand your frustration and dissatisfaction but getting angry is not the answer. You need to `train' him into a better technique of love-making. There are plenty of books and courses around to help you. The best one I know personally is Sexual Joy by Dr Michael Clarke. Sex is never an issue till it's not good so don't let this situation disintegrate any further as it will come between you more and more.
Freshman Getting Fresh
April 17, 2008
Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. Last year when we both went to college, we ended up going to different schools, but decided to do the long distance relationship thing. I thought it was going fine until a few days ago, I found out he cheated on me in his freshman year four different times. I was heart-broken when he told me. I don't know what to do with myself; I can't focus in school, I can't eat, there hasn't been a day where I haven't started crying. I'm so confused because as much as he hurt me, I don't want to leave him. My heart and my gut are telling me to stay with him. That he means what he says when he says that he is going to change. My head is also telling me that he can't change and that he won't change. I have no reason to trust him or to believe him when he says that he will change, but I want to so badly. I'm afraid that I'm making a mistake by staying with him and mistaking what I think my heart is telling me for just wishful thinking. Obviously I won't be able to see all the changes if he makes them since he will be at school, and I know that it is going to take a very, very long time to build up all the trust we had. I can tell that he feels sorry, and I see that he is remorseful. I'm grateful for him telling me instead of lying to me for the rest of my life, although I would much rather have known the truth without the heartache. Am I wrong to stay with him?? I feel like I can't talk to any of my friends about it because I feel like no one will possibly understand how I could want to stay with him. I know that I deserve better, but I want to believe that he can change himself to be better for me. Is it ever possible to have a relationship again after being hurt and betrayed so badly? Am I doing the right thing? I feel so lost and alone.
A. You actually have a very realistic grasp of your situation, not only what happened but your current dilemma. But I know how difficult it is to come to the right decision when you have an emotional investment in the outcome. You've raised a few points and I'll try to address each one. First, long-distance relationships are hard for everyone. Infidelity is very tempting, especially for a young man in his first year of university. But he's owned up to four different experiences so it sounds more like experimenting than just being lonely for you. So, the big question is - did he get his fill of variety or does he still need to sow his wild oats? If the answer is the latter then you're just asking for more heartache by staying with him. If he's truly sorry and has re-committed to your relationship, then you're right to give him a second chance. No, it's not that simple as that but that's the nub of it. The rest will depend on your own personal reading of this man. Is he true to his word? Do you think he really loves you? Are you prepared to put in the required effort to regain your trust? Regardless of how you decide to choose, you'll be okay as long as you remain honest and clear, first with yourself and then your guy.
Not Enough Pants To Go Around
April 10, 2008
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months, and I used to wear the pants in the relationship, but slowly he's made me insecure, and now he does. He cares about me, but I want to be the one in control. How do you get a balance with being nice but playing hard to keep at the same time?
A. This is a classic situation where people enter a relationship without really knowing what they're after. Ask yourself why you need to "wear the pants." The best relationships exist between partners who are equal, with neither feeling the need to be boss. If that isn't how you feel, perhaps you are insecure in yourself. No one can really make us feel insecure. What's happened in the time you've been together is that the power-base has changed. You felt in control and now you don't. It's called love - which requires a relinquishing of fear. You need to give up all these set ideas you have about relationships and just be yourself. That's the answer to your question about balance.
Midnight At The Oasis
April 3, 2008
Q. I met a guy with whom I now think I might be in love with. The problem is that he is totally from outside my social class. I am keeping our relationship secret because I am not strong enough to face my friends or parents. He is a nomad living in an oasis literally 7 hours into the desert, while I go to the most elitist and posh university in the country. I cannot think of a single person I know who will approve of our relationship. I am so confused that I cannot even tell how true my own feelings are towards him. I feel attached to him somehow, but with all the contradictory thoughts running through my head, I cannot decide whether I am in true love or is it just attraction? He is incredibly spontaneous and frank in everything including the way he expresses his love, which I adore but given all the confusion I am feeling, makes me sad and more confused. He is sensitive and a very good and a kind person and I don't want to hurt him, but I am also afraid I might make him imagine a future that we cannot have. I am also worried that I might not want to leave him because I do not want to look elitist to myself. If I follow my impulses I will say I want to be with him, but if I let my mind speak, it sounds like complete craziness. Should I follow my heart or my mind? I cannot think clearly, and even when I try to think intuitively of whether I am in love or not everything else, like my parents, long-term, commitment, social-class considerations etc. gets factored in and blurs my view. Even if we were in love, I am still worried that after the initial love sparkles fade out, we will not find anything in common between the two of us. If we are together it will be us against the world. Is it worth it. Can I fight this fight? I want the good thing for both of us, and I do not know what to do. I cannot even act on my feelings because I cannot figure me out. Help me with your thoughts because I am totally numb.
A. I'd love to just say go for it and don't worry about the opinions of your friends, family and the world. But as a relationship counselor, I take a very realistic view of what makes two people work together. If you decide to go ahead with this guy, you will have a hard journey ahead, so, yes, the key question is - is this guy worth it? Before you can even begin to make this decision, you need to un-confuse yourself. The way to do this is to take the urgency out of the situation and stop playing, "what if." Stay in the present and get in touch with your feelings quietly. Try to visualize the future with this guy and without him. Which picture is more appealing? Think of the details, such as where you would live, would he be able to fit into "normal" society, would you have children, could you give up your own plans to be with him, and so on. Put all other considerations aside and just focus on the two of you. You can't expect to distinguish fact from reality while you're so muddled and unhappy. No matter how much you think you love this guy, you still need to keep your objectivity in deciding whether or not to build a life with him. You'd be hurting him far more to start something you can't finish so go carefully.
Email Blues
March 20, 2008
Q. I am 23 years old and the girl I like/love is 19 years old and we work together. I told her that I love her in an email and she knows that I have feelings for her. Whenever she comes to work, she tries to avoid me and is always on the other side of the room. She sometimes looks over at me. Recently, when I talked to a girl, she was really mad and gave me and the girl a dirty look. Then the next time I messaged her she told me never to message her again. But I did message her again and she said that she doesn't have feelings for me and she never liked me. She also said that she doesn't want to see my face. What should I do to salvage this relationship?
A. For starters, you don't actually have a relationship with this girl. So, the more important question is - what's really going on? Does she like you or not? If you take her literally, then you should just give up and back off, but if she's playing games with you, you need to decide whether you want to play along. There are other possibilities - maybe she was embarrassed by your declaration of love, especially as you work together. As far as her perceived jealousy about your talking to the other girl, sometimes, people get annoyed about this kind of thing even if they're not interested in the person themselves. It strikes me though that she's awfully angry for someone who doesn't like you! Instead of all the emailing and messaging, why not just talk to her personally and try to get a handle on whether she likes you or not, once and for all.
Anger Issues
March 13, 2008
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3 months now and he recently decided to move to another town. He promised me he would be back for our 3 month anniversary but 2 days before it, he said he couldn’t make it. He says he loves me and he doesn’t know what he would do without me and then early this morning, he rang me up and started abusing me, calling me a bitch and some other names. I don’t know what to do anymore. I still do love him but not when he is saying to my friend Jarred that if he comes near me again, he will kill him. Please help me. I really don’t know what to do anymore.
A. It's probably not what you want to hear but this guy sounds dangerous and you need to make a quick exit from the relationship. Does he drink? That sort of erratic behavior is often related to alcohol. It would also explain his aggressive and jealous attitude towards your friend. I'm not saying he's a bad person but he has serious emotional issues. Don't fool yourself into believing that you can love him out of his problems. That's a common mistake women make and all it leads to is a world of hurt. Love yourself better than that. You haven't been together all that long so it would be best to break off now before things get worse. If he's willing to get help for his anger issues, mood swings, aggression and so on, you can then reconsider the situation but as it stands, your love will just turn sour.
Online Relationship Goes Off The Rails
March 6, 2008
Q. I need your help. Recently I got to know this guy from an online friend's community and we click very well. I had been heartbroken before but his sudden arrival into my life restored some of my faith in love again. Although I did not initiate any signs of interest as he is always the one who initiates our chat sessions, I had unconsciously fallen for him as he seemed very into me and showered me with all his care and attention even through phone calls. I went out with him for a date the second time he asked me out. The date went okay and although I felt that it was normal for us to not talk much because we went to a movie (which is obviously a conversation-killer) and because we both felt nervous around each other, he blames it on the lack of chemistry between the both of us and has since lost interest in me. He has also stated reasons that he has gotten a bad first impression of me when I arrived late and when I asked him whether we were going "dutch". I felt it was only considerate for me to ask him since I do not expect guys to pay for me. However, we are still friends now and are still on talking terms but how do I convince him that chemistry itself needs some amount of work and that first impressions are not always reliable? Should I move on or try to win this guy back?
A. Sorry but I don't like him. I'm not sure he even deserves your friendship. You have a much better understanding of how relationships work than he does. A lot of people judge their potential by first impressions and looks. Sure, chemistry is important but as you say, feelings can grow if given a chance. First dates are definitely difficult but he's taken one look at you basically and decided there's no attraction. I get the feeling this guy spends his time trawling the Internet, arranging to meet women he connects with then starts the process all over again. I really think you're better off without him. Keep him as a friend if you must but certainly don't try to make him into anything else.
Changed His Mind?
February 28, 2008
Q. My 23 year old son has recently asked my advice and I was not sure what to say to him so this is my reason for contacting you. About 6 months ago he ended a year and a half relationship. About a month ago, he met a girl whom he really clicked with and whom he said he could see himself being with for the long term. They are very compatible with one another and expressed strong interest (jumping in with both feet, so to speak). He believed that he loved her and that she was the perfect match for him. Within 2 weeks of meeting her, he was recruited to train as a law enforcement officer so the relationship is now a long distance one. They both knew this would be difficult but wanted to try to make it work anyway. While he is training he is required to put in very long days. It is physically and mentally draining. His concern is that in the last week or so, he feels differently about her. He isn't sure if this is a result of the stress that he is under because he really "wants" to be with her, but his feelings are not as strong. Should he tell her how he is feeling and end the relationship or wait and see what happens? My advice was that I felt he is likely being drained by his training and that he should do nothing for now and to take his time since he feels this person has the qualities he is looking for. I am just also concerned that he be fair to her and not lead her on. It is also important that you understand that both of these people believe in marriage as the ultimate goal of a dating relationship and also that for them sex is not an option outside of marriage. Please help me to advise him. Thanks!
A. Your advice is basically right. When under stress, we should never make life-changing decisions. I'm not sure your son is feeling different because he's under a lot of pressure and is physically tired. No matter how compatible they are, that doesn't mean they should enter a long-term relationship. Love is not rational or structured. That's why I always recommend that people take a cooling-off period before they commit. It could be as simple as that. Your son's feelings may have altered due to the geographical distance between them and the enforced absence. If this is so, count your blessings. Far better he find out now. Still, best to wait till they see each other again - feelings will become very clear then one way or the other.
Is She Just A Friend?
February 21, 2008
Q. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year, we have an apartment together and are expecting a baby in August. However, in the beginning of our relationship, we had some problems and spent about 3 months apart. While we were broken up, he hooked up with another girl who he says is now just a friend. He insists that there is nothing there and that he hides the friendship because he knows I will think the worst. I know that they talk and text several times a week. He says if I truly have a problem with it, he will end the friendship. I have not yet asked him to do so. I’m worried that something might spark up again between the two of them and fear of losing him to her. Should I ask him to end the supposed "friendship"?
A. This is an issue that comes up a lot. Exes and friends of our partners can cause a lot of tension in relationships. In your situation, I can certainly understand your suspicions about this girl as your guy had slept with the girl during a break-up and now keeps in touch with her. Sometimes, we sleep with a person we're attracted to only to find afterwards that the feelings are those of friendship. I think that's what happened with your guy and this girl. He's living with you, having a baby with you, came back to you after a separation. How much more proof do you need that he loves you? The best thing you can do is work on your trust issues, let your man have his friend and enjoy the life you have together. If he's going to leave you, he won't need an excuse or this particular woman to do it. He's a lot less likely to ever want to leave if you let him be his own person. You can't own anyone. Try to enjoy the parts of him you have and leave the rest. You're in danger of spoiling what you've got with your imaginings.
Internet Addiction
February 14, 2008
Q. I read your article on internet addiction and the sexual aspect of it. I believe I fall into the category of a person addicted to the internet and its sexual exploits. My problem is destroying my life and I fear I am going to lose my fiancé over it. I need help. I was wondering if you can direct me to a free support or hot line that I can call to get things rolling and find more information on what my true issues are and where I can seek help. Thank you for your time.
A. Not being in your local area, I can't recommend any help services but you should be able to find listings in your phone directory. You can also arrange email counseling with me through this website. Meanwhile, let me give you some basic thoughts on your situation. Yes, addiction will ruin your life if you let it. That's the whole point about addiction - it becomes your boss and controls your life. You are quite right in saying that you need to know what your real issues are. Addiction often masks a number of hidden problems. It's almost irrelevant what the addiction itself is so, whether it's being on the internet or the sexual exploits that have you in their grip, it's very important to set yourself free. You need to regain mastery of your own life. I hope you seek help soon.
Is He Scared?
February 7, 2008
Q. I met the man of my dreams about one year ago. I am so in love with him but he just told me that he wanted a break. He has told me in the past that he wants to marry me and he knows that I'm the one for him. Now, he says he just wants space. He also said that he is scared. Is it normal for a guy to get scared and run away? How long should I give him? I want to be with him and he says that he wants to be with me. I am not talking to him and giving him his space. It's hard but I love him so much and I want him to know that I love him more than anything. Why does he want a break?
A. What you need to decide is if he has a genuine reason for wanting a break, in other words, a personal issue, or if it is just an excuse to get out of the relationship. How do you do this? By asking the straight question, observing the response and also, doing what you're already doing, which is backing off and waiting to see what he does. People certainly do run scared from their feelings, especially in the early stages of a relationship so it may not be about you at all. Try to hang tough just for a little while as after a break, he may realize he does really want to be with you. If he doesn't, it's better to know before more time elapses.
Lerve At The Gas Station
January 31, 2008
Q. I have just gone through a divorce with my husband of 7 years, he was unfaithful to me. Recently I was stopped at a gas station after leaving my office job and working a 12 hour day, filling up on gas, when a very attractive man pulled up to me and started talking to me. He wanted to know my name, asked me if I lived in the area and I told him no, but did tell him the town that I lived in (not where, just the town). He just bought a "fixer upper" in the same town and after talking a little more, I found out he bought the house next to my brother, so here he was, from the same town, lived next door to my brother and on the plus side, very attractive. He wanted to know if I would like to go out that evening. I told him I couldn't that evening. He asked me if I was married and I told him no, and then he asked if he could have my phone number, so I gave him my cell, he then asked me if I wanted his, so I took his number and put it into my cell with his name. The problem, that was 3 weeks ago, I'm very interested in talking to him and possibly hanging-out but he didn't call me and I've yet to call him. Does that mean he's really not interested in me? It's been 7 years since I've been in the dating world, but I would like to somehow connect with him again. Do you think I should just forget about it if he hasn't called me or should I just be brave and call his number or stop by his house? I go by his home everyday to and from work. I just feel strange doing that, is that a little too bold?
A. I certainly don't think you should arrive unannounced at his house but I definitely recommend that you phone him. First, in this day and age, there's nothing wrong with a woman phoning a guy. Secondly, he asked you out on the spot and you refused. You had a good reason but he may have felt brushed off so thought better of ringing you afterwards. He gave you his number so why not use it. If he's not really interested, you'll be able to tell and at least, you'll then know. No harm if that occurs and you might have a lot to gain instead. Of course, you could always visit your brother and accidentally/on purpose run into his neighbor, or even ask your brother to strike up a casual conversation with him about having run into you at the gas station. Whatever you decide to try, it does seem that fate brought you together so why not give it a bit of a nudge and see what happens?
Where Did The Love Go?
January 24, 2008
Q. I had been dating this boy who is now my ex. I really, really love him. We basically knew each other for a long time because we grew up with each other. He would sleep over at my aunt's house every summer and holiday. We have been in an on-and-off relationship. We used to spend hours on the phone and I would say I loved him all the time first and he used it back but we never really spend time with each other except at my aunt house and at the bus stop. I felt I didn't have a chance to really love him. We were talking like friends after the break up and still kissing each other like we were together until after my graduation when he began pushing me away. I felt that something was said about me to make him turn against me like that. He said that he didn't like me anymore but how could his feelings just leave so suddenly? I asked him what happened and he hit me for the first time then said he didn't mean it. He even took me to the movies for my birthday and we held hands in the movies and he asked for a goodbye kiss. I am confused because one day he's nice, and the next day he's mean and doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know what to do. I really want him back. I can't get him off my mind. He says he has a girl but he never mentions her name when I ask and we use to be on the phone every night. At times, I think he's trying to make me jealous. Ever since we broke up, we've been arguing more and he says he can't take the drama from me anymore and that I'm getting on his nerves and he needs me to stay away from him for a while. What could be the problem? Please, I need your advice on how can I make my ex boyfriend love me again.
A. I can't tell you how to get your boyfriend back. The problem is basically that he wants just friendship and you want a relationship. Converting a romance into a friendship is difficult enough even when both people want the same thing. It's impossible when one wants to be together again. He may or may not have another girlfriend, but that doesn't really involve you. You have to decide if this relationship is truly over and if it is, then either stay on as a friend or back off altogether. That's why you're arguing all the time and why he doesn't want to see you anymore. You're just prolonging the pain. Break-ups are never easy but we can learn from them and move on. This guy doesn't seem to really know what he wants. And physical violence is never acceptable in a partner. Try to find someone who will commit to you and make you happy. Love is not enough by itself; you need to be suited to each other and it doesn't sound as if you are. I'm sorry - I know this is not the advice you wanted but I have to try to help you in the best way, not the easiest way. Best of luck.
Deliberately Infected?
January 17, 2008
Q. I met a guy earlier this year and we evolved into a sexual relationship. At first he was really nice, texting me several times a day. One and a half months into the relationship, he stopped lavishing me with attention and because he was so distant, I put an end to the relationship and he agreed to this. Now even though we agreed, he started calling me once every week to check how I was doing. In a moment of weakness, I invited him over and we ended up having sex. After sex, when he thought I was sleeping, he went on my computer and the next day I saw that he checked websites related to schizophrenia (how to recognize it and treatments) and also how to recognize various STDs. Later that day he sent me a text message to say he does not want contact with me anymore because he has problems with himself. We had sex 2 times without a condom and now I am very afraid that he purposely infected me with something even though he told me he is clean. Any advice?
A. Sorry but you've learnt a tough lesson the hard way. You should NEVER, under any circumstances, have unprotected sex with a man you're not involved in a permanent relationship with. I don't think he did it deliberately and you may not even be infected so don't worry just yet. First of all, go to a doctor or family planning centre and get yourself checked. This guy's problem is more likely to be related to the first condition he was checking out - mental illness. That might explain his erratic behavior. First he was with you, then he withdrew, then he wanted you again. The other mistake you made was sleeping with him without checking his feelings first. Sometimes, people have sex in an attempt to mend rifts in relationships but without sorting out problems, there can be no honesty or trust. My overall advice is to proceed with caution until you have more information and that you have more self-respect in the future.
In Love With A Bad Boy
January 10, 2008
Q. I have been seeing a man for a little over a year. I knew when we got together he was a bit of a "bad boy." I never thought that our relationship would go as long as it has, but there is a huge amount of love, sexual chemistry, and emotional attachment between the two of us. The problem is he has gotten me into trouble financially too many times to count. I know I have a certain culpability in this, since I have allowed him access to my money, but anytime there is money lying around, he takes it. He got involved with some drug deals, and now someone who says she was "stiffed" is threatening to come to my house. I am so angry at him for bringing this on me and my children, but I feel a certain responsibility for him. Without me, he has no place to live where people are not using drugs almost constantly (he is a recovering addict), he had a horrible upbringing and I feel like he will go off the deep end if he loses me, but some of the things he has done are just too much. I have tried on many occasions to break up with him, but he always talks me out of it, and promises things will change. He has changed, but the money is still an issue, especially since he is unemployed. The "residual" effect of all his drug problems is coming back to haunt us as well, and I wonder if it will ever be better. Why can't I let go of this destructive relationship? How can I stick to my guns, or should I try to tough it out with him in the hope things will get better?
A. Ah, the $64,000 question! The answer is not simple and lies in the reason you chose this guy in the first place. A lot of women find "bad boys" more attractive, I guess because they're more exciting and interesting. That's all fine and good but not when the relationship becomes destructive. Then it's about something far deeper. For example, did you have a "naughty" parent, one who broke rules and pushed boundaries? For now, consider this - you can't be responsible for this man. It's not appropriate. He's an adult and you're playing the role of his mother. He will stay in his negative patterns as long as you allow it. You have children to think about too. Do you really want to expose them to this sort of lifestyle? If your bond is truly deep and sincere, it'll still be there when he cleans up his act and he'll also respect you more. You don't have to throw him out but set some rules in place - no drugs, no stealing and get a job! Standing by him is noble but not to the point of your own demise. You already know what you have to do. Find the courage to do it.
What's Wrong With His Libido?
January 3, 2008
Q. I'm worried because my boyfriend doesn't care for sex that much. In the beginning of our relationship we had a great sex life. I have asked him if it's me, like, am I not that attractive or something. He said I was very attractive. I am just tired of feeling hurt and want to be intimate with him again. We both love each other very much. How can I get him in the mood without getting him to avoid anything sexual? Please help me. I am so frustrated.
A. I get a lot of questions about couples having different levels of libido. As we are all individuals and human, not machines, we aren't going to want sex in the same way at the same time. The worst thing you can do is turn it into a problem. If you take it as a rejection from your guy, it will indeed hurt and will drive a bigger and bigger rift between you. If you think he's just being lazy, by all means, jazz things up a bit by surprising him in the bedroom or just trying something different. But if he really doesn't want to make love very often and assures you it's not lack of attraction for you, you'll have to decide if you want him as he is or another, more sexual, guy. Don't bring up the subject too much. Widen your understanding of sex by introducing activities other than intercourse. Stay close - that's what matters.
Incompatible And Immature
December 20, 2007
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years. I'm 22 and he is 24. We were inseparable for the first few years and had the perfect relationship, then a lot of things happened and we drifted apart. I ended up getting close to someone else and kissed him. My boyfriend found out about almost a year later and we broke up. We have since gotten back together but things just aren't the same. I don't feel the same way that I used to about our relationship. He is very close to my family and whenever things aren't really good between us, he involved them and of course they come to me saying that we are perfect for each other and should work things out. I wish I could change how I feel but I just can't. I feel that we have changed so much and I don't want to hurt him, at the same time I don't want to disappoint my family. They love him dearly and probably would not accept anyone else in my life. It's very frustrating. We don't have the same friends, he doesn't enjoy being around my friends and will avoid them as much as he can. We can go a few days without talking to each other and then when I see him, he just wants to have sex. If I push him away and don't give in, he will get up and leave or roll over and face the wall. Sometimes I want to give in to make him happy... but something in me just doesn't feel in the mood. I'm so confused. I love him dearly but don't know if this will work itself out or if I can get those feelings back. It hurts me that he can't just lay with me, he always wants something else. Our relationship has been on and off for the past year and I don't know what to do. If I say that I need some space, he will freak out and run to my family and get them involved. He'll get in a depressed mood and I know he will talk bad about me to friends we have in common so he can get their sympathy. What do I do?????
A. The crux of this issue is basically that you and this guy are incompatible. The fact that your family adores him is neither here nor there. Your relationship choices are YOURS alone. It's totally inappropriate for him to talk to your friends and family about your personal issues. The trouble is you've allowed it for so long. You should've told him to stop long ago. The break-ups and make-ups are irrelevant now - what matters is the present and the present is NOT happy. This guy is very immature and just wants his own way in everything. Your uncertainty is a big clue. Please search your heart and follow your intuition. If it's not right, it's better to end it. Of course your family will accept another guy in your life. At the end of the day, they just want you to be happy so explain to them that you're not. Get in first so that whatever he says will have less impact. Take your life back.
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