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 Ask Aphrodite
Counsellor Charmaine Saunders is available to help with advice on relationship matters and issues affecting your love life. You can email Charmaine and each week she'll answer reader's questions on this page. You can also take advantage of Charmaine's experience in providing real solutions to life's difficulties with personal online counseling. You might also like to visit the Dating Doctor for more relationship advice.
I Want To Get Serious With Her
July 13, 2010
Q. I have been dating this girl for 5 months and we have talked about becoming serious. She said not yet, as she thinks I still need to play and experience life but I really like her and think my life is crappy without her. I want her to be my serious girlfriend... What do I do?
A. As boring as it sounds, my suggestion is to trust that whatever is meant to be, will happen. Pushing it won't help. 5 months isn't really that long. You don't say your age but I assume you're quite young. This girl is very wise in her advice to you. It is definitely better to get all your dating and playing out of the way before you settle down with someone. Relationships bring a number of restrictions so why not enjoy your freedom while you have it? It's no good getting restless after you've been with someone for a while. Get it out of your system now. That doesn't mean you can't see this girl and continue to build your feelings for her. Just don't rush into commitment.
How Do I Know When I Climax?
June 15, 2010
Q. I'm 19 years old, and has been dating my boyfriend for about a month now. It has been a while since I have dated someone and not having much experience in relationships. Right now I'm not exactly sure what to do in this relationship. Do I hold hands with him, when is it appropriate to kiss him or hug etc? And it makes it hard for me because I feel really nervous not knowing what to do or how to do it. I still get nervous and funny tingles when I'm with him and I feel like I'm 16 again. Is this normal not knowing what to do? Right now I have made love to my boyfriend. It was an exciting event and to begin with this was my second time I have had sex with someone. I had so much fun. Yet again since I haven't had much experience in sex or relationships; I don't know how to have sex. I know what happens and what it is but properly experiencing sex; I don't know how to do it and other involvements with sex; like oral, foreplay and giving my boyfriend masturbation. Also when I was having sex with my boyfriend, I wasn't sure if I had reached Climax - aka the big O and was wondering is it normal? Will I know when I have an Orgasm?
A. At 19, you are still very young and definitely entitled to feel insecure about your love-making skills. It's also a very new relationship and good sex takes time to perfect. It is a totally natural process and you should just let yourself go and stop over-thinking it. Of course you'll know when you have an orgasm but why leave it to chance? Practice on yourself. You can't expect to be a good lover if you don't know your own body. Learn to give yourself orgasms and then tell your guy what you like. Don't expect the big O every time. It doesn't have to be fireworks to be great. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are completely normal. Experience is everything.
Playing Hard To Get
May 18, 2010
Q. I have been dating this girl, taken her out 3 times and from past experience with women, we have hit it off big time. We are fairly similar but there is so much chemistry and conversation between us, it has been amazing and very funny spending time with her. The problem is she started playing hard to get 3 weeks ago. I sent her a text asking if she fancied doing something the next week and she replied with "afraid not, I'm pretty booked up next week and I'm then going away on Sunday." Before this we had been having fun poking fun at each other and she seemed more keen than myself at one point. Now I know she is either trying to keep me interested or perhaps trying to get rid of me which is fine but I am intrigued and want to know what her reasons are! I'm not the clingy type but the one mistake I made was that I never played hard to get with her first like she has done with me!
A. She may not be playing hard to get as such. She might be having genuine doubts about her feelings or perhaps she has simply lost interest. The thing is she should be telling you straight-out instead of just avoiding you. You've done nothing wrong. It's very hurtful when someone wants to break up with us and offers no reason. It's also very common. There may not even be any reason. Either way, it's not your worry. I advise you to back right off. If she is playing games, that will prompt her to get in touch. If she doesn't, there basically wasn't anything there in the first place. You had fun together but maybe that's all there was for her.
Controlling Scorpio
April 26, 2010
Q. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. We are 22 and 23. We have built quite a life together but as we approach 5 years, we are fighting a lot and both trying to grow up. He's told me he is fed up with my controlling and possessive ways but I'm a Scorpio; it's just a part of my personality. How do I change? What is your best advice to grow together and not apart during this difficult and confusing part of our lives - the terrible twenties. I want to become a better person and for our relationship to get better but don't know how. When we argue I get so mad and we end up arguing for hours. We have communication issues. I get angry and he turns cold. Please help!
A. Never say you can't change because of your star sign or your personality. Yes, these are influences but we can all change and improve if we want to. You said in your letter that you are keen to do this so I see no reason why your relationship can't benefit. The twenties are not "terrible"; all periods of life have their special challenges. Communication is the most necessary skill for couples and I suggest you work on that specifically. Arguing is a waste of time. Work on staying calm, use affirmations and try to be patient and accepting rather than negative and critical. I know it's difficult but well worth the effort.
Self-Esteem Hit Hard
March 30, 2010
Q. My partner complains about the way I think. Please help as I need to find out if something is really wrong with me, and can I ask if it’s wrong for me to ask him to list the things that he says I must improve, as I can always use that as reference? Please assist as I want to know if it worth saving or it’s the end of the road, we have a 2 year old daughter and I need to start planning on how this will affect her and how to improve her relationship with her father should we part. He says I don’t make him happy, can you suggest ways that I can show more of my affections. I don’t want him to be with me out of guilty or obligation, but for the right reasons.
A. It sounds like he's unhappy in general and is blaming you for it. Relationships don't work like that. Each person must be responsible for their own feelings. You sound awfully beaten down and I sense you're letting this relationship problem wear down your self-esteem. Try to get stronger in yourself and see the whole picture rather than just one small corner of it. It's good to want to improve yourself but not for another person. If you ask him for a list of your faults, you're handing over your power to him. It'd be better to figure it out for yourself. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you. Don't let this guy confuse you. Yes, you do need to consider your daughter and the future. Only you can decide if you want to continue with him but he has to make an effort too. You both could benefit from some counseling as you're not thinking clearly. By all means, be affectionate and as generous as you can be but criticisms are not the answer, only constructive, loving improvement.
Sorry I Lost Her
March 2, 2010
Q. I had a break up with my girlfriend and it's been 9-10 months. We are not in touch with each other, and the concern over here is, I am still not able to forget her. In retrospect, if I share my experience, it would be somewhat unbelievable to imagine that we could ever break up in life; there was so much love between us. We broke up after spending more than 2 years with each other and I am responsible. Following are the reasons by which she took that decision.
- She lost trust in me as to whether I was committed or not and if I would marry her or not.
- She was pissed off with my temper.
- I started doubting on her.
- Not respecting her, while I believe I always respected her.
Though I shared all my negative traits to you, however lots are there which I don't remember. After that I convinced her a lot that I will not repeat the same, but she was not convinced and she broke it off. I am not able to concentrate on my job and other things. I love her a lot and I can't forget her.
Suggest me some ways to forget her... please!
A. It's not about forgetting her but obviously it may not be your choice whether she wants to try again or not. It's to your credit that you are able to be so candid about your failings but no relationship ever ends because of one partner. Own your own stuff and resolve to improve your behavior, especially as you now have the benefit of hindsight. I advise you to work on these problem areas that you've identified. Once you feel more confident about yourself, she may give you another chance. It has been a long time so don't expect too much. True love never dies but being in a relationship involves more than love alone. Focus on yourself for a while. You have some work to do around trust and anger management.
Want to get Serious
February 3, 2010
Q. I have been dating this girl for 5 months and talked about becoming serious. She said not yet, she thinks I still need to play and experience life but I really like her and think my life is crappy without her. I want her to be my serious girlfriend - what do I do?
A. I wish you had said your age because if you're quite young, your girlfriend could be giving you good advice. What I don't understand is if you've already been dating for 5 months, what else are you looking for? She obviously likes you so perhaps you're being a bit impatient. Getting engaged at this stage would be premature and if you push it, you might lose her altogether. Never say that your life is "crappy" without someone. It's your life and entirely your responsibility to make it good or otherwise. All you can ask of another person is to share it with you. Also, it's always good to have enjoyed your freedom before getting tied down. Focus on that, keep seeing the girl but don't attempt to tie the future down too firmly. Life has a way or tripping you up if you do that.
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from 2009.)
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from 2008.)
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from Jul - Dec 2007.)
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from Jan-Jun 2007.)
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from Jul-Dec 2006.)
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from Jan-Jun 2006.)
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from 2005.)
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from 2004.)
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