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 Ask Aphrodite - 2005
Bring your love life back to life! Counsellor Charmaine Saunders is available to help with advice on relationship matters and issues affecting your love life. You can email Charmaine and each week she'll answer reader's questions on this page. Please note that Charmaine can't respond to all emails personally and she cannot advise on medical matters.
(This an archived page. Click here to view the current Ask Aphrodite page.)
The Honeymoon Is Over
December 22 2005
Q. I'm 25, my boyfriend is 30 and we've been together long-distance for just over a year. Our sex life was amazing for the first year - spontaneous, frequent, and fun - and then sort of dropped off after I spent the summer living with him. Both of us realize that the "honeymoon" stage is over but I think that it's a little more than that. I had some major emotional issues over the summer (birth-control related, I finally realized in
September, after all that wasted time!) and my crying and obsessive-compulsive behavior resulted in a complete stop in our sex life for about 8 weeks. Since we have started sleeping together again, it's been so-so. Sometimes he has problems keeping an erection and there isn't as much spontanaiety as there was before. I also find that he's less adventurous and tends to keep things in the bedroom. I don't mind a drop in the amount that we have sex, as we're incredibly intimate in other ways and is definitely on a lower level than it was before. He gets a little defensive when I ask about it and I'm curious - is it an emotional barrier that we're having trouble with? I don't think it's about attraction, as he's wonderful about complimenting me and things like that. But even the amount that we make flirty comments to one another has gone down and become a bit strained. I love this man, would like to eventually marry him, and want to help us through this rough patch - he was amazing about supporting me, and I don't want to fly off the handle about something that he obviously needs
some help with. Any advice?
A. Firstly let me say that it's never wasted to go through something in life as long we learn from it. Unfortunately, being human beings, we sometimes inherit an emotional legacy from these situations and that's what's happening for you at present. Your guy supported you but during all the sexual difficulties, he lost his confidence and now more or less, can't perform! We're not machines, after all, and feelings do come into sex. The other issue is the one that comes up a lot between men and women which is - attitude to sex. Men generally think that sex is a cure-all
whilst women rather than less but enjoyable. I am always counselling couples to focus more on intimacy than on intercourse as such. Okay, that's the general picture. Right now, yes, you're in an emotional impasse and will have to work hard to get out of it. Whatever you do, don't yell or pressure as that will certainly make things worse. Get some counselling if you can and make a concerted effort to learn some good relationship skills. Try to get my book, `Winning relationships' which might help you.
Turning The Tables
December 15 2005
Q. My name is Jennifer and I am 21 years old. I have been with my first boyfriend for almost 2 years now. I'll give you a short summary. At the start of our relationship, he was really possessive and jealous, it was due to his bad experience in a very restrictive relationship over a year before he and I got together. We set boundaries such as not hanging out with the opposite sex one on one, or not going to bars and parties without one another. Sometimes some of his restrictions were absurd and we had to fight and work our way to a more trusting relationship. Over the past year, he's become more trusting, or 'less jealous.' I've noticed a big change ever since he transferred into a different university last year. Now the tables are somewhat turned. I feel like I've become the more jealous girlfriend, and I've become more insecure due to a lack of attention that I used to receive. Nowadays he's wanting to do things that make me a little uncomfortable, for example, going on a weekend trip with a male friend. This really bothers me because this is the very situation he would have objected to. I realize he may trust me more, but at the same time, it feels like he seems as though he has less to lose. Also, maybe the lack of attention that he used to give me, or the extreme amount of affection may play a role. I've told him about that and he says of course that the 'honeymoon stage' does not last forever. Which is true in a sense. Maybe I'm just being a selfish girlfriend but it really does bother me. I used to feel more important, and he used to put me first in his priorities, after school and family. I haven't told him that it bothers me that he'll be going but I know if I did, he'd just accuse me of not trusting him or holding him back. What do I do? How should I feel? Am I overreacting? Please help...
A. This situation is particularly interesting for me because I believe that relationships are a matter of energy exchange, in other words, one person's behaviour affects the other's. When your boyfriend was jealous, you didn't like it and now the tables have turned and you're playing the opposite role. I commend you for your initial efforts to build trust in your relationship. That showed real commitment. So, why spoil all that now? Haven't you got exactly what you were working towards? Play your role in this new, trusting relationship, let him go away and have fun without you for a weekend. Remind him of the excellent boundaries you put in place and relax!
Fuse Too Short
December 8 2005
Q. I have a question. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We both have no problem getting turned on, but he cannot last longer than 10 minutes if I'm lucky. He said he tries not to go quickly but it feels to good, and I admit it feels amazing; as soon as I start getting into it, he stops. I don't like to make him feel bad, I have talked to him about how it's hard for me to stop and just go to sleep. I try to get him turned on again but he doesn't feel up for it, or he falls asleep. The more I bug him about this, the bigger problem I create. I think he feels embarrassed. What should I do? Also, I haven't had an orgasm in a very long time, and he gets me aroused but I never get to release the feeling. Is this bad for me?
A. You've said it yourself - the more you hassle, the bigger the problem is. You have every right to be unhappy about this situation but talking about it continuously is not the answer. It's not even really about sex - the problem lies with this guy's attitude. It's great that he enjoys sex with you so much but having an orgasm is not all that it's about. If he cares about you, he should want you to be satisfied too. Basically you need to change the whole set-up, for example, maybe make love in the morning when he's less tired; take the focus off intercourse so that you get a chance to enjoy the whole experience; finally, tell him how you're feeling but not in a critical way because I'm sure he IS embarassed about his lack of sexual prowess. As to your lack of orgasm, I suggest you get into self-pleasuring. It's not good to build up too much sexual tension but you don't need a partner to have an orgasm and he doesn't need the extra pressure. I'm sure with your patience and support, he can overcome his problem.
Birth Control Blues
December 1 2005
Q. I have been on Ortho Novum 777 and have found I am sometimes moody, but nothing over the top. Last month I switched to Diane and my moods were out of control. I cried all the time and initiated fights with my boyfriend to the point that I ended up screaming. Not yelling, screaming. I also got so violent that I hit him. This absolutely scares me. I have NEVER gotten this violent before in my entire life. My boyfriend and I have had arguments before, but nothing like this. I am so scared because it has affected our relationship. I have been researching on the internet and found that many other women have violent mood swings when on birth control pills. I have just finished the pack and will be switching back to my original birth control pills. But I'm afraid the damage has already been done. Last week, my violent mood swings put him over the edge and he broke up with me. I don't want to blame the pill, but I can't think of any other reason for me to act that irrational. I just want him to understand how birth control pills affect women's hormones. I don't want to lose him and I'm hoping it's not too late. Please help me.
A. It seems fairly obvious that it is the pills causing your mood swings. Our hormones are in delicate balance and when they're off-balance, emotions can turn completely topsy-turvy. There's nothing wrong with you and you shouldn't be punished for this natural circumstance. Of course the current situation can't go on and your boyfriend was right to call halt but it can all be sorted out by a simple visit to a gynaecologist. Explain what's been happening and get a brand of birth control that suits you better. If your guy really loves you, he'll be willing to try again once things have settled down.
Cheating
November 24 2005
Q. I have been dating this man for over a year. We are soul mates. One problem, how do you stop thinking someone else is going to cheat on you when your ex husband did and it's been beaten into your head that all guys cheat? I know with in my heart that my current fiance won't hurt me like that but my mind plays tricks on me, causing me to doubt everyone. I need some help with this because my boyfriend says he feels like I don't trust him and it is going to drive him away. He says because of what my ex husband did to me, it is programmed into my head that every guy is going to do that. Please help, thanks, not wanting to lose my real soul mate. (My ex husband cheated on me three times.)
A. One of the most difficult things in life is letting go of old emotional baggage but it is vital to the success of new relationships. You really need to work through this yourself or you will continue to be held back and defeated by your past. Trust is a delicate balance between self-judgement and being vulnerable to another. I can't say that you will never be hurt again but it sounds as if your ex was a serial womaniser. I hope you don't think you failed in any way because you didn't! Your present guy is quite right on 2 counts - you have been programmed to expect to be betrayed and yes, you will drive him away if you continue to feel this way. If he's your soul-mate, why not let down your guard and let go? It's worth the risk and you can't have a rewarding relationship with your barriers up.
Jealous Guy
November 17 2005
Q. I have been in a relationship almost exactly like the one described in "Extremely Possesive" from Oct. 28th. My boyfriend has done everything from yelling at me for not calling at the exact time I was supposed to, to blaming me for being inconsiderate and not loving him just like she was. We have been dating for a year and a half, I love him very much and I just don't see myself every being as compatible with someone else (but maybe I'm being naive?). Anyway, I finally told my boyfriend about a week ago when he lashed out at me again that if this was going to work, he would have to get therapy (took me a year and a half to say that). Well, now he's looking into it and really wants to go see someone. However, this behavior has been going on for a year and a half, and I just don't know if I can take any more of it. I feel like I should try to find some hope for us somewhere, and stay with him since he's doing exactly as I asked and starting therapy. I would love for this to work out, but how long would he have to go to therapy for there to be some improvement in our relationship? I wouldn't be able to do a "break" because I don't want to picture him dating someone else. Is it too late? Or should I stick by my man?
A. First you need to establish your boundaries, in other words, decide what you will and will not put up with. You have already made it clear that you want things to change so stick to your guns. Therapy varies from person to person but in general, change can happen quite quickly if your boyfriend is really willing. If you do feel you need a break, you can agree on ground rules such as not dating anyone else till the relationship is resolved one way or the other. The important thing is not to sweat the outcome of all this. Jealousy is his issue and he has to deal with it. It's not really your problem so let it become yours. If after all this, it doesn't work out, you will find someone else who's compatible. I don't believe that we only have one 'perfect partner' in life. It's a case of finding someone who respects you and wants to work as a team. If your guy can do that, fine, support him; if not, you seriously need to consider moving on.
Domination
November 10 2005
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for two years. Originally when we had sex, it was just regular and fulfilling. But, as I felt more and more comfortable, I began to want him to dominate me and be in control. I just find it more exciting. I am a feminist though and it seemed in conflict with my beliefs. He never pressures me and things would go back in a second if I told him to, but I feel more excited and turned on when he takes control. I just read an article on this site about submission and female psychology and feel insecure about what I think I want. What do you think about it?
A. We all have multiple facets to our personalities, so wanting to be sexually dominated, but being a strong woman in other areas of life, is not really a contradiction. You need never be ashamed of what you feel or want in bed. Don't overthink it. I suggest you show him rather than say anything, lead the way, create some role-playing. It'll be fun as well as sexually satisfying for you both. It's actually quite a compliment to this guy that you feel so safe and comfortable with him - go for it and enjoy!
Cycle of Abuse
November 3 2005
Q. I am 40 years old, was married for 18 years and then divorced. I have 2 children (1 girl 18, 1 boy 22). About a year after my divorce, I met this guy and it was an immediate attraction. We fell in love so fast. The first 3 months were magical then I was hit with his baggage from his previous, not one but two marriages. He has 4 children, 2 boys 22 and 23, and 2 girls 18 and 15. His first wife and mother of the 4 children is an alcoholic and has since put herself in the hospital and we have gained custody of the 15 year old girl. Prior to this happening, we were bombarded with hateful telephone calls from the first and second wife. I found out that he was still sleeping with his 2nd ex 2 months before we met. She was relentless and wouldn't let him go and the 1st ex and kids did some terrible things. Now that it finally seems we are on the right track, the 15 year old has been monopolizing all of his time. She is a soccer player and my daughter is a dancer. She has soccer games twice a week and dance is once a month. He doesn't recognize that he doesn't expend as much energy in taking care of what my daughter wants and doesn't seem to care about us anymore. He is actually rude and mean about it. Lately, it has been to the point of emotional abuse. I'm am at a loss. I love him, but also hate him. We live in my home and I'm being treated like a landlord instead of a significant other. I keep asking myself why I don't get out. I can't seem to shake him loose. It hurts to be with him and hurts worse to be without.
A. You are in an abuse cycle and only you can get out. If it were only the issue of children, that's a common problem with step-parenting, shared familes and exes etc., but your stuff with this guy runs much deeper. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too, really, he has been all along. Of course you can't expect him to love your children as much as his own but he does have to play fair and give his main attention to his current family. He not only has all this baggage which he's not dealing with, he's creating a whole new lot with you! Love is not enough - you also want respect, caring, honesty, consideration, none of which you're getting. The only reason you're holding on is fear of being alone. Let go of that and of him. Don't just walk away - run!
Extremely Possessive
October 28 2005
Q. I have been in a relationship for over 6 months now. We have decided to get married but since then my fiancé has been extremely possessive and jealous. Every day if I don’t pick up the phone when he calls, he says I am avoiding him, I currently moved to a new job and he was happy at first till he found out that two guys worked there. Now he constantly questions how far they are from my cubby, do I find them attractive, do I work with them, do I talk to them. I told him I have no interest at all in any man but he continually hounds me with questions and if I say one thing wrong, he explodes. He admits he is insecure and jealous but takes it out on me and whenever I try to defend myself, he says really hurtful things and tells me to give him the ring back. If I told him I want to give him the ring back, he gets so upset and angry, telling me to never call him again. We fight weekly and I am having doubts as to whether or not to even go through with this wedding. I have put a lot of money into it now and I know it really doesn’t matter but I keep hoping he will change. He says he doesn’t want to be without me, loves me so much and is afraid to lose me or that I will leave him for some other guy. I told him it was not my problem that he has these issues and to stop taking them out on me but that only starts a war basically and he ends up making me feel like I can't say the right thing, or do the right thing, and that everything is my fault and that I am inconsiderate. I have a lot on my mind and forget things and he yells at me about that too. My brother used to live with me and gave my number to his friends and once in awhile, they call looking for my brother and the *&%$ hits the fan then. He accuses me of it being an old boyfriend and why do they have my number and if they have my brother’s cell number, why are they calling my phone. The list goes on and on. I was dress shopping with my mom one day and I told him I would call him after we were done. I forgot, I was stressed out about what dress to pick in the first place and went to a dozen shops and was frustrated. I called him four hours later and of course it was my fault and I lied to him and I was rude and didn’t care because I forgot to call. I doubt my love for him now and I think it is because he is gratified at making me cry. Only then does he stop the bickering and accusations. I don’t know whether to continue with this relationship or end it for my sanity. Please help, any suggestions would be great.
A. I'm sorry, I don't usually offer black and white answers but this relationship you're in is really toxic and cannot be allowed to continue in its present form. This guy seriously needs therapy for his jealousy which stems from insecurity and is no-one's responsibility but his. He's projecting all his issues onto you and believe me, it would only get worse if you marry. These are your best options - demand a break and suggest he see a counsellor. If he's abusive about this, take no notice and stand your ground. If he won't agree to this, you tell him the wedding is off and wait to see if he's willing to change once he realises he's about to lose you. This is notmanipulative but a final test to see if this man is willing to be accountable for his own behaviour and embrace change. If he doesn't now, any future you have with him will be a nightmare.
Trust and Jealousy
October 20 2005
Q. I'm having trouble with jealousy and trusting my boyfriend of just over two years and I feel horrible for it. First, a little background. He's attentive, sensitive, thoughtful, caring and just all around a great guy. He's also very good at making female friends because of these characteristics. It's taken me awhile to understand that about him. Within the first couple of months of dating (long-distance at the time as he went off to university), I felt ridiculously jealous of him being friends with a certain girl. After many sleepless nights and worry, I finally let him know how I felt. He reassured me I was the one he loved and wanted me to let him know if he ever crossed any lines with other females that made me feel uncomfortable so he would stop. He'd keep me updated if he was hanging out with a girl or making new friends. After that whenever I felt any jealously I'd remember what he said and reassure myself there was nothing to be jealous about. As for the trust issue, about 4 months into our relationship, he said he needed to confess something to me. He had had cyber-sex with someone online via webcam. He took full responsiblity for his actions. Apparently it was an old habit he was having difficulty breaking and wanted to get it out in the open so he could crack it. I was hurt and understandably lost my trust in him (my first boyfriend cheated on me as well making it that much harder to trust guys in general). I had to give him credit because he got rid of his webcam (gave it to me to do whatever I wanted with it) and told me to ask him from time to time if he was doing okay with that to keep him accountable. Because of those actions, I felt the relationship was worth working and continuing on. Back to the present. We've been together two years and only started having sex in the past two months. We're busy with school and our separate lives and generally quite happy altogether although quality time together can be hard to find when we're really busy. I'd have to say we're at a comfortable stage in our relationship except now I'm finding myself extremely suspicious of him and reassuring myself is very difficult to do. This summer he reunited with an old childhood friend who he's always cared very deeply for. She was going through a break-up at the time and he was the one who consoled her at times. He said we should hang out with her this summer because she needs new friends. He took her to see our special place (we have memories of when we first met there), hung out with her with his friends but never once invited me to meet with her. At the end of the summer, she was leaving for school and he wanted to stop by her goodbye party. He got all dressed up because he "wanted to impress her friends" (exact words in a joking manner) and told me I didn't have to come because I wouldn't know anyone anyhow. He was only gone for 20 minutes but how he acted and what he said before he left really upset me. It made me very suspicious because I've been cheated on before and I don't want to be as ignorant as last time. I was afraid of telling him of my suspicions so instead of talking to him about it, I started keeping tabs on the emails he sent her. I feel horrible about what he wrote to her but I feel even more horrible about not trusting him and reading his private emails. I've since stopped reading them because I feel so awful. I just had this gut feeling and needed to know more and didn't think he would tell me the truth. I feel so irrational. He wrote her these sappy emails about how he drove all the way home from the goodbye party smiling and touching the cheek that she kissed or how he finds himself thinking about her and how she's doing when he's in a boring class. I'm trying to convince myself this could very well just be him at his friendliest but it's hard to swallow. He's still affectionate and loving to me. I don't know what to do and I'm tired of stressing over it. I want to trust him and talk to him so much I just don't know how or what to say. Most of all, I'm afraid to find out that my gut feelings are true. I'd really appreciate some advice.
A. His attitude was very reasonable to start with but unfortunately, it covered a deceitful situation. Because you'd been hurt before and because you gave this guy your trust, you are now left feeling understandably betrayed. When it comes to trust, though, you can't ask for proof. You either trust someone or you don't - it has to be absolute. What does concern me is the way this guy tends to hand over responsibility for his addictions to you once his activities are out in the open. It makes him seem very plausible and cooperative but you need to start making him accountable for himself. Tell him you don't want to continue with the relationship until he decides his priorities once and for all. You don't want to end up enabling his addictions. It's fine to have friendships with the opposite ex as long as he's totally honest about his intentions. Relationships are tough enough without any extra handicaps. Your responsibility is also to yourself.
Nil By Mouth II
October 13 2005
Q. I am 46 years old, divorced and a rather sensuous person. I enjoy sex and I particularly enjoy bringing pleasure to others. My boyfriend is a great guy but somewhat inhibited in different areas of his
life and he can be a little conservative at times. My question is, he has
only had an orgasm once in his 50 years of life with oral sex. I am determined to make it happen for him and he gets incredibly aroused but when he is at the verge of orgasm, he can't seem to let himself go. He fades out very quickly and then it is over. He is frustrated by this to say the least and one time began to weep for a second. How can I help him? He also will not have oral sex with me. He just doesn't want to do it. I know it's not a reflection of how he feels about me but I have a difficult time reaching orgasm from intercourse so our
intimate relationship can be frustrating for me too. I decided to write to you as I thought perhaps I could learn to orgasm through intercourse and that you could help me help him.
A. You are already helping this guy by your patience and understanding. I really don't want to speculate on his situation because it could be stemming from a range of things and he really needs to seek help from a therapist himself. Basically, his problem is caused by fear and therefore ultimately not about sex though it's manifesting in a sexual way. It seems overall that he is quite repressed and as I say, he would benefit from some general
professional work. For your side of things, you obviously think this relationship is worth the
effort so I suggest you de-emphasise the sexual aspect. By focussing on orgasm and what you judge as successful sex, it not only puts pressure on him but takes away some of the spontaneity and fun that sex should have. Most women I have worked with say they can only climax if they take the 'on top' position so I suggest you try that, or sitting up in a chair
with you on top. Perhaps in time, this guy will loosen up and give you all that you desire but right now, patience is my recommended keynote. You're already doing that so just continue to enjoy all the other parts of making love like touch, closeness and emotional exchange until you can get him to get some help and be more experimental.
Is it Over?
October 7 2005
Q. I have been married for 6 years now. We have a 6 year old daughter. In our 2nd year of marriage I had a affair. I told him to move out and everything. I was just so selfish and mean to him. In that seperation he had a affair also. So it's been 4 years since that has happened and he thought that he had forgiven me, but he just told me that he really didn't. He says that he is still hurt about it. He doesn't love me anymore because what I did to him. He doesn't have anymore feelings for anyone because of what I did to him. That is what he is telling me. I love my husband so much. He is scared that I would hurt him again. He is not emotional with me, he ignores me, and doesn't give me any attention. Is it over or can we get past this?
A. It might surprise you to know that many relationship issues can be resolved - but only if both parties are willing. Yes, you did wrong but you separated and he also went with someone else. As far as I'm concerned, the past is the past if people can forgive and forget. For your boyfriend to continually blame you for all his pain, attitudes, fears etc is not reasonable or fair. Don't accept all this guilt. Be straight, be honest, accept the responsibility for what you did but insist that he does the same. We're all in charge of our
own feelings. If he can't get past the past, your life will be miserable so move on.
Reigniting The Spark
September 29 2005
Q. My partner and I have known each other since 1999 via the internet. After a couple of years and a wonderful connection, we met for the first time only to discover that intensity was really there.. face to face. A year later, she moved to my coast and we have been together since. As in many relationships, the honeymoon phase seems to be over... and that spark has dulled out. I am a more emotionally "needy" person than she, but I thought it would be fun to try to put the spark back into our lives. I sent her a flirty text message to which she responded, "that was random". I told her that I wanted to liven up our love life again and she told me we needed to get our lives together first... that we didn't have time to work on our relationships. This "getting our lives together" thing started a few months back when we bought our first house. Now everything has to wait, including US, until we "get it together". Does this make sense? I feel like we should make time for us. I feel like I'm not important anymore. I MISS that intensity. Any advice would be appreciated.
A. I'm with you, I'm afraid. It's not a question of being needy - I don't think co-dependent relationships are at all healthy. But spending quality time together is essential for the health of any important relationship. I see your girlfriend's point about sorting yourselves out individually first but you need time together as well. Unfortunately, you cannot force her to see it your way, only suggest and hope she listens. The intensity of a new relationship will inevitably lessen as time goes on but it can be replaced by a different type of intimacy. Without pushing, remind your girl that she's very important to you and ask for her cooperation in this matter. Meanwhile, work on being strong in yourself which will impress her, I'm sure. I wish you luck.
Wasting My Time?
September 22 2005
Q. My question is about starting a relationship or at least dating a guy. I am a 4th year college student. Last year in one of my classes there was a guy that had a crush on me. I was really busy and stressed out with school and I didn't used to pay that much attention to me. He was coming and sitting next to me whenever possible, or at least close by. A couple of times in the meetings at our school, he came and talked to me, but I was just not interested. Toward the end of the semester, I realized I might like him, so the very last day I went and talked to him about school stuff. The next semester, he was in one of my classes, so I sat next to him, and we used to talk at the beginning and end of the class, but he never asked me out. It was not very unusual, because I go to a tech school and there are maybe 90% guys and most of them are very shy specially to tech girls. They usually show interest but they don't talk, which was fine with me. So finally one day I asked him to have dinner with me and my friends. The week after we had dinner, I called him to see if he wanted to have lunch together, but he never called back! He didn't come to class the following week, and after that we had a 3-week spring break. After spring break, we start talking again as if nothing had happened, but I never asked him out again. He had an internship over the summer so I didn't see him then, but I thought if I see him next year, if he came over to talk, I may ask him out again; if not, I'll just totally forget about him. So this semester, the first day of school I was in the computer lab and he came over and started talking. He is also in one of my classes, so we talk at the end of the class, and leave the class together. When he is in the class, he pays attention to me, and shows signs of interest, but he doesn't come to class that often! We only have class twice a week and during the last 2 weeks he didn't come to class on the second days. He also has my email address and phone number but he never calls. I am so stressed, and I don't know what to do. Do you think he likes me enough? or am I wasting my time? Do you think I just have to forget about him until he takes an action? What do you think I should do? I think I really like this guy, but he doesn't show too much interest. I personally think if you really like somebody you can't miss seeing her if you have the oportunity. We basically see each other once a week, and talk for 5 minutes. Do you think I am wasting my time? It has almost been a year, but we haven't even have a long enough talk yet. Do you think he is trying to avoid me asking him out? Do you think I have to stop thinking about him and just pay as much attention to see if he takes any action? I really really appreciate your help.
A. This has turned into a game of cat and mouse. I think this boy is probably very shy and when he showed some interest in the beginning, you didn't feel the same so he backed off. Either he has lost interest or he simply doesn't want to risk his feelings again. You've basically answered the question yourself by saying that if he wanted to, he'd make more of an effort to see you, talk, ask you out, etc. I don't think you are wasting your time but you shouldn't wait around for him forever. If the opportunity crops up again, by all means ask him out and watch his reaction. But personally, I think you should let him make the move. If he doesn't after all this time, move on and try to put this whole episode down to experience.
Still In Love
September 15 2005
Q. I met Susan in September of 2001. We started dated Feb. 2003. Ours was a long distance relationship. Susan lived in the US and I lived in the UK. We quickly fell for each other in a big way. In January of 200. I asked Susan to marry me, and we did it in August. Susan has never been in a relationship with children about before and does not have any of her own (she is 45). I have 4, two living away and 2 (14 and 17) who stay with me for 2 days a week. Soon after Susan arrived in the UK, we started having problems. Susan thought I was not putting her first in the relationship, and she maintained she had to be number one. Also, I had more debt that Susan realised and she is convinced I lied and am a dishonest and trustworthy person. Susan moved out in May and is pursuing a divorce. I’m still madly in love with Susan, maybe to the point of obsession. Susan on the other hand has completely separated herself from me and is seeing other men, which is driving me nuts. I’m so sad, confused and lost, sometimes I think there is hope and other times I get really down and despondent. Is there anything I can do to win her back, or just feel better?
A. I'm interested in whether her perception of your `failures' was accurate or if your break-up was due to her inability to adapt to the conditions she found in the UK. This point is crucial because if she was right, she's unlikely to want to resume the marriage. However, if she was wrong about the perceived lies/debts etc, you might have a chance to win her back. Meanwhile, I have to say that you should work on yourself rather than wait for her to heal you. Work on your self-esteem and think about what you really want from a relationship. Whether it's with this lady or someone else. You seem to have a lot of obligations so why don't you sort everything out first then you'll have more to offer.
Stay or Go?
September 9 2005
Q. My question is if I should stay in a relationship that if ended has the
potential of killing me inside. I've been with my fiancé Jeremy for 6 years, we've been living together for 4 years and have been engaged for 2 years. We have a son together Ethan, who is 4 months old. Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride from the beginning. I was sexually abused, physically abused, and mentally abused all of my life, I've never "moved on" with my life and so that has been a constant problem in our relationship. I've never been able to trust him the way I should, and I've always kept myself at a distance as to not be killed by the heartbreak that I "know" will come. About a year ago, our relationship hit what I would call rock bottom, we basically lived in the same house and that was it, he would come home from work and only have time to play on the computer, look at porn, or
talk to anyone but me. I tried to tell him over and over again that I felt invisible and that we needed to fix it, but my demands were ignored. I met a guy at work, who said all the things that I wanted to hear from Jeremy. One day he asked me to go to another town with him to the mall, and I don't know why I agreed. I lied to Jeremy and told him I was going with some girlfriends. Nothing happened besides flirting and he tried to kiss me, I never went with the intention of cheating on Jeremy. Anyway, I decided it was a HUGE mistake and that I wasn't going to tell Jeremy because I knew it would break his heart. Then the guy told his girlfriend who then contacted Jeremy and told him that I tried to sleep with
the other guy and of course since I didn't tell him the truth first, he believed her. He was heartbroken, I don't think I ever hurt anyone as much as I hurt him, but we talked about and he said he was willing to try and forgive me and forget about it. We stayed together and he says he loves me but every since that day, I've felt like he has been slipping away from me more and more every day. We had our son 6 months after all that, and I keep telling myself that one day he'll forgive me because yes I messed up
but he has hurt me too and I forgave him, but he hasn't. Last night I asked him if he loved me as much as he did before all that happened and he said no. I don't know what to do with this? I can't constantly feel like a bad person, or that I'm not a good enough of a person to one day be forgiven. He says he loves me and that he wants to be with me, but I feel like he's not here because he loves me, but because now we have a son together. He's a wonderful man and the only person I believe I will ever love this way, but I don't know if I can handle the constant questioning of myself and my worth. Can you please help me and let me know what to do?
A. Your letter brings up several issues and I'll try to deal with them one by one. Firstly, your past is your responsibility. I do think you'll need to do some work on this as it won't resolve itself and will continue to impact on your relationships if not dealt with. Secondly, your insecurities made you seek out another man which is not the solution to relationship issues. You need to sort out the things that are not working between you and Jeremy which would've been better in the first place. You ended up hurting him and yourself by not confronting the real problems. Finally, nobody dies from a break-up. Yes, you've made a genuine mistake and you have to allow Jeremy to forgive you in his own time. It's not something you can demand on schedule. I totally agree that you cannot spend your life apologising, however. In a nutshell, you need to work on being much stronger in yourself so that
your future can be clearer and happier.
Sleepless in San Diego
September 2 2005
Q. My husband and I have been married for just 4 short months. However, we have been together for almost 9 years! We started dating in college and have been together, for the most part, ever since. We've had our ups and downs and it had always seemed like he could only give 99% to the relationship. I attributed most of this to his traumatization over his parent's divorce when he was 12. Finally, after 7 years of dating, we broke it off. We got back together about 9 months later, and it was wonderful; our relationship felt so complete and it seemed like 100% commitment on both sides. He proposed and we both felt that the year of our engagement was the best of our lives. Then the nightmare of wedding planning began! We did the majority of the
planning ourselves and it was overwhelming. The wedding was beautiful, but I wish we had planned as well for our marriage. But, adding to this stress, was the fact that he was graduating from medical school and we were moving to where he would start his residency training. Things are now really bad. Last month, he worked an average of 90 hours a week, and needless to say, we definitely have been disconnected. Also, he started talking to a girl he met at the hospital. He's admitted that he's
attracted to her (but I trust him when he says they haven't had sex). I know that he cares for me and would never intentionally hurt me, but I think he's fallen out of love with me. He says he needs time to sort out his confused feelings. In the meantime, I have spent many a sleepless night. I just don't know what to do - please help!
A. You hit the nail on the head when you said that you should've spent as much energy dealing with the marriage itself as the wedding. As a counsellor, I can't emphasise enough the need for a realistic appraisal of prospects before a couple get serious, especially in a case like yours where you'd already had problems. I really don't think your guy was totally committed when you got married. Perhaps you both got caught up in the romance. Now, unfortunately, you're 'repenting in leisure'. If you're prepared to give your husband some time, fair enough, but if he chooses to stay, make sure he's really sure this time; otherwise there'll only be more trouble down the line.
Hot and Cold
August 25 2005
Q. I had been seeing a guy for 4 months and everything seemed to be going really well. He called me everyday and we would see each other two or three times a week until one day things changed. He became all of a sudden very cold toward me. The phone calls weren’t as frequent and we weren’t going out as much. I decided that I’d ask him what was wrong and if he thought things had changed. His answer was that he had an issue with things getting too serious because I'm 22 and he’s 32. He thinks that I don’t want to get married and settle down and that all I want to do is go out clubbing with my friends. The thing is I’m not that type that goes to clubs and he knows that. I’m very mature for my age because I’ve been surrounded by older people my whole life. My parents are a lot older than me and so too are my brothers, in fact the youngest of my brothers is 32. He says to me that he wants to marry in 2 years and start a family a year or two after that. I too shared the same vision and I had told him repeatedly, but he still didn’t believe me and his attitude toward our relationship hadn’t gotten any better. I decided then that it would be wise to end it and although we were both upset about it, we thought it would be best.
About a month later, he contacted me again to catch up and invite me to his birthday. I decided to go to his birthday and when I arrived, he said, “I can’t believe you came!” Although at first I felt rather uncomfortable because I didn’t know what to expect, everything turned out fine, however a little weird because he began treating me like we were still together. He was hugging me and wanting to kiss me and displaying me to everyone like we were back together. I admit I wasn’t trying to stop him because I still liked him and it gave me some hope that things would work out between us. A few days later he called me to organize a time for us to go and have dinner. During that week we had spoken a few times and things were great! I was a little confused about his intentions, not knowing if he wanted to go out purely as a friend or with the intention of getting back together. We went to dinner and had a good time. At the end of the night, when I found a right time, I decided to ask him if there was a reason behind going out and what his intentions were. He told me that he really wanted to see me again and hoped that we could work things out and eventually be in a committed relationship. I told him I wanted the same however it was important that we took our time and not rush into anything. He called me the day after and again the day after that, where he wanted me to go with him to his cousin’s birthday. Unfortunately I already had plans, but he was okay with the fact I could make it.
Two days later, we went out and everything was fine. Then that’s when everything changed. It had been five days and I hadn’t heard from him. I sent him a text message which he didn’t reply to, so later that night, I tried to call but he didn’t answer his phone. I knew something was wrong. The day after he called me and I asked him what was wrong. He said that he was really sorry he hadn’t called but he needed time to think about things. He said he wants to be honest with me because he respects me and really cares for me and says “I’m too good of a girl to hurt.” He said that he was unsure again that he’s ready for a relationship. I told him that I respect his decision but he needed to understand that once again I’m hurting and confused because one minute he wants to be with me and the next minute he doesn’t. I told him that I have been really patient and given him heaps of space and time to figure out what he wants and that I’ve been waiting for him because I really care about him. He said to me he wished I would talk to him more about the way I feel and about the fact that I’ve been waiting for him all this time to make a decision. He said that he needs some time to think and that he doesn’t want me to pressure him and he will have his answer for me in a week. I told him that was fine, but during that time, I wasn’t going to call him and make any contact but he said “no, it’s okay you can call, we’ll still talk.” But I find that uncomfortable. Would it be wrong if I didn’t call? He kept telling me not to stress and that everything will work out. I really care about him and what happens between us. I feel though that I need to end it because I’m not sure that things will get better. I’m hurting and confused. Please help!
A. Your letter is indicative of your situation with this guy - very drawn out! You must be worn out with it all. I feel you have been very patient, perhaps too much so. Your guy seems very confused and he's confusing you. We can all be unsure and doubtful but it's not right to hurt others while we're deciding. I think the wisest thing you can do right now is to back right off, desist all contact and insist that he makes up his mind one way or the other. Assure him that you won't hate him if he decides not to go ahead but you want honesty and consistency. It's no good the way it is at present so be decisive even if he can't. Take your own destiny into your own hands and I'm sure you'll soon feel better no matter what the outcome.
Married Men
August 18 2005
Q. I’m seeing a married man. I really need your advice and counselling on the matter as I am so confused.
A. It's not my place to say whether or not you should've started an affair with a married man. What concerns me is that you come out of this experience as painlessly as possible with maximum lessons learned. Let me say straight off that married men are often still in love with their wives and have no plans to leave their marriages. So, if that is the source of your confusion, you can clear it up right away by accepting the situation for what it is. If you hope for more, you might end up very hurt and disappointed. If, on the other hand, you believe this man has real feelings for you, make him prove it by refusing to continue with him until he has finished his commitment to his wife. I'd be happy to offer you email counselling if you feel it would help.
No Interest In Sex
August 11 2005
Q. I am a 32 year old women, who has been in a relationship for six years with the man who is now my husband. Before this relationship, and in the first two years of my current relationship, I had normal sexual feelings. I was interested in sex and thought about it on a fairly regular basis. In the past four years I find I am no longer interested in sex, nor do I think about it. I am capable of being aroused, it's not a physical dysfunction, but I don't find myself getting aroused anymore, or even excited about the possibility of having sex. My husband is sweet, caring and understanding. He is supportive and tells me how much I am loved and how beautiful I am. Yet, I feel nothing when it relates to sex. Obviously this must be psychological, mental, but I have no way to figure it out. I miss this part of my life, and find myself agreeing to sex to make my husband happy, but not really feeling anything myself. What should I try to remedy this?
A. It sounds as if your situation could be caused by a hormonal deficiency. A simple blood test will tell you if you need shots or some other treatment. You don't mention if you have children. Birthing could be the root cause of your loss of libido. There also could be something relevant about your age. Women go through a deep psychological transformation in their 30s, bringing all kinds of changes. You can read about this in my book, Women & Stress. In the meantime, I suggest you develop other forms of intimacy with your husband so that sexual intercourse is not the be-all-and-end-all. Love-making is after all what it's about in a committed relationship.
Age Difference Healthy?
August 5 2005
Q. I am in a special relationship with a man who is 18 years younger than me for over 5 years. He claims that he is not dating anybody but i don't know if he is having sex with other women. We only had sexual intercourse after 5 years. I believe that we have feelings for each other not only as a friend but more than that. I am very confused. Should I start training my mind and heart that this will not be a healthy relationship?
A. I have personally never felt age differences should come into relationships; after all, love is magic, isn't it? It can't be controlled by rational thought.
What you're concerned about seems to be more to do with integrity than age. What makes you think he's not monogamous with you? You need to have an honest chat with him about a number of things so you know where you stand. You also need to stop worrying until you know the facts.
Being insecure, suspicious and jealous will bring down your relationship and cancel out all possibility of lasting happiness. Trust your intuition and feelings about this man.
C'mon and Chase Me!
July 27 2005
Q. What can a woman do when a man shows signs of interest but never
takes it further? I have tried most things, such as smiling, going up and asking a
question or making a comment , looking back at him when he's
looking at me, and so on but I am not a teenager and wouldn't dream of asking a man out.
It would be easy to think it was all in my imagination had not other
members of our group recently commented on his singling me out. He
knows my name, my email address and phone number. He can think of a
'reason' to contact me if he is too shy to ask for a date. So why doesn't he?
I would appreciate your opinion - even though I have given up on this
particular man - in case I meet others like him!
A. A man can be interested in a woman without necessarily wanting to
pursue her for a romantic relationship. What people are seeing in his
manner towards you may or not be that type of interest. Your feelings
are clear to you but his may not be to him. Of course, shyness is the obvious
conclusion. I feel sorry for men and the way they have to do all the chasing. In
this day and age, a girl most certainly can ask a man out without appearing
pushy or aggressive. It's your choice but if you insist on taking a passive
role, it might not serve you any better in the future. It's best to keep an open mind in regard to relationships - when you meet a man who's more definite and more confident, it might then work out
differently.
Real Love
July 20 2005
Q. I'm just wondering whether you can give me some advice - my partner and I have been together for 3 and half years, we have four girls between us and our pride of joy is our son together who is 18 months. We have just recently bought our dream house and are very happy, my partner is the love of my life but I have a slight problem, you see, he's been married before for only a very short time of 9 months. It ended very bitterly, also his first relationship ended bad. He says that this time it's so different and he feels in his heart that this is real love. I feel that he does love me but is afraid of getting hurt again. I would love to get married but I'm not sure how to approach him with it. We have talked about it early in our relationship. Can you help, please?
A. I agree that your guy is probably a bit gun-shy and it's understandable given his background. Unfortunately, this is his responsibility and you can only offer support, not a remedy. I think you need to trust that the future will work out in the right timing without your intervention. I realise, after over 3 years, you might be getting a bit impatient but it's the old story of `if it ain't broke, don't fix it.' A marriage licence is only a formality. You already have it all. My instinct is that you feel a bit insecure because of your partner's history. Marriage won't cure that. You have to be strong enough to love without promises and he has to be strong enough to put aside his fears. Maybe you could benefit from counselling. If not, broach the subject gently without pressure.
Forty And Feeling Naughty
July 14 2005
Q. I am a 40 year old woman. I have been in a defacto relationship for 15 years and have never, until recently, even thought about another man. I am a naturally quiet, shy person. I started a new job about 12 months ago and made friends with a male co-worker,and although he isn't even my type physically, we have become quite close and flirt with each other, in fact our relationship has turned into very little other than flirting. He is very sweet and tells me all the things I need to hear that my partner never tells me or makes me feel. I know that my problem is that my physical and emotional needs are not being met at home, but I can't see that ever changing. He sends me sexy SMS messages, and a big part of me thinks well, why not? For me it would be purely physical, for him I'm not so sure. I
love my partner very much but I have needs that he just cannot fulfil. I don't know if I can really betray his trust in me, and we have always had a mutually trusting relationship, but I also want what this other man is promising. What should I do?
A. The keyword in your letter is 'promising'. This other guy is untried and untested so you need to think very carefully before burning your bridges with your current relationship. I also prefer to see people try to sort out their present arrangements before seeking something better up the road. Attractions can spring up anywhere - you obviously weren't out looking but now that you've met this other chap, temptation is understandable. You say flirting is all there is right now. Maybe that's all it's meant to be. Why not just enjoy the romance and illicit quality of what you have going with this new guy without taking it too seriously? It's harmless enough as it stands but if you give up what you already have, you might find the love affair turns into a staid relationship after a few years as they all do. Sorry to throw cold water on your dreams but my job is to be honest with you and urge caution. Try to get your current partner to be a bit more forthcoming. Lead by example, e.g. send him some sexy messages and see if you can't improve things where you already are.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
July 7 2005
Q. I'm going through a rough time. I'm 18 and need some help badly. Firstly I broke up with my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago. I don't know if I made the right decision though. Everything was going excellent when we first started going out. He got very attached. I slept at his house after 2 weeks of going out. The next morning was good as well but things changed after that day. I rang him and he sounded like he didn't want to know me or didn't want to talk to me. 1 week went by and I had to say something. I told him I was confused and asked why he was doing this. He used the excuse that he was sick. I asked him when I was going to see him next and he said he didn't know. I couldn't take it anymore and told him I didn't want a boyfriend that I couldn't see. I miss him heaps but did I make the right choice of breaking up with him? Another question is even if I did make the right choice of breaking up with him, I'm the type of person that can't stand being alone. It makes me think more and upset more. I cry nearly every night. I'm so sick of it. I want to be able to find a guy who is going to treat me well but when is that going to happen? I can't stand it anymore. All my friends have boyfriends and I don't. Also I need help getting over my jealousy. When I'm going out with a guy, I get really jealous. I have been cheated on several times and I don't want it to happen again. Please help.
A. I think you already know that you had no choice but to break up with this guy. He basically used you for sex and then lost interest. It's a common story and I can only advise that next time, you get to know a man better before going to bed with him. He may seem very keen but you need to gauge his true motives before going further. It's natural to feel pain and loneliness after a break-up and grieving is necessary for recovery. Time alone is your best bet right now but if you have trusted friends, be with them, let them support you, talk about your feelings so you can feel less isolated. It will get better, I promise you. You have plenty of time at your age to meet someone. Don't be too impatient as love tends to sneak up on you when you least expect it. You can't demand it on your timetable and it's unhelpful to compare your situation with others. As to your jealousy, that's caused by insecurity so I suggest you get some help for this before you meet another guy and the whole cycle starts again.
Infidelity
June 30 2005
Q. I have been married to my husband for two and half years. We love each other and we treat each other very well. I am pretty satisfied with my life except my sex life, I don't get enough from my husband and the sex we have is more like completing a job. After sex, he just lies there, plus he doesn't turn me on anymore because he is getting fat. About a month ago, I met this new guy and I started to date him, and he is all I want for my sex life, plus we have so much in common. I haven't told this to my husband, because I am afraid he is going to be heartbroken (he loves me more than I love him), but I don't want to stop seeing the new guy because I am totally attracted to him (more physically right now). This new guy will only start a serious relationship with me after I divorce my husband, because he is afraid to get hurt if he starts to get feelings toward me but I decided to stay with my husband. I feel bad about my cheating. Should I tell my husband I cheated on him? When is the best timeto tell him? I don't even know if it is worthy of me to give up my marriage just for a satisfied sex life. Who should I choose? Please help me , I need your advice.
A. Your problem is not so much your infidelity or your marriage but your indecision. I understand your loss of sexual interest in your husband and your attraction to the other man but now, it's time to face up to your choices.
Being a responsible adult doesn't mean always doing the right thing but being clear about your motives and being prepared to accept the consequences of your actions. What you now have to decide is if you value your marriage enough to give up the affair. If this is your choice, it's up to you whether or not to tell your husband. Just be careful not to hurt this man's feelings only to unload your guilt. On the other hand, if you choose to continue with your lover, it's only fair and decent to come clean with your husband and break with him. It will hurt you and the two men far more in the end if deception is allowed to go on much longer.
Love and the Birth Control Pill
June 23 2005
Q. I am a 35 year old female who has difficulty having feelings for a man enough to want to pursue a relationship. I did have successful, long-term relationships in high school and in university, so I know I am capable of them, but I haven't had any close, long-term relationships in the last 12 years, other than a four month one last year that I ended due to incompatibility. I am able to meet nice men who seem "good on paper," but I lose interest after a few dates and I don't wish to pursue a relationship with them any further. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) when I was 19, and I've been on the birth control pill for treatment for most of my adult years. The couple of times that I have fallen in love was while I was not on the pill. My doctor told me that because of the PCOS, if I want to have children then I should hurry up as I may have difficulty getting pregnant. This is making me feel pressured to find a partner. I'm wondering if either the POS or the pill is affecting me in some way physically that is now making it difficult for me to get close to a man. I have tried counselling, and I've worked out some issues, but other than improving my choices in men, it hasn't helped me to get closer to anyone. Any ideas what may be causing this inability to get close to men, or whether there is a physical reason that might explain it or a treatment that might help? I'm considering going off the pill temporarily to see if that makes a difference, but because of the PCOS, I shouldn't be off it for long. I don't feel any attraction towards women so I don't think that is the reason. I don't find it easy to make friends with women either, but I am capable of it and I have some close friends.
A. I think the pill issue and your not being interested in men at present are separate. I understand that you're trying to make sense of your life and the patterns you're living with which is commendable. But if you over-analyze, you'll complicate things beyond comprehension. It's always best in life to deal with one situation at a time. I certainly don't recommend you go off your medication in order to test your attitudes. Love and relationships cannot be ordered up like fast food. You know what I really think? You are operating on higher standards these days and that is GOOD - when it comes to lovers, quality is definitely better than quantity. My advice to you is trust, trust and more trust. The right person will come and you will be ready.
Love and Compatibility
June 16 2005
Q. About one month ago, my boyfriend of 3 years walked out on me. It has been a very strained relationship but there was and still is a lot of love between us. We met and feel in love very quickly, moving in together after only 3 months, but it always felt right. My boyfriend has many emotional issues, mostly inherited from his father who is not very stable. My ex could not express his feelings and eventually it would build up to a rage and he would take it out on me, never physically but verbally. I tried everything to make the relationship work because it was really good 90 percent of the time. There were some trust issues, he had a habit of flirting but he never actually cheated on me. I think it was just his nature and sometimes I think he liked to push my buttons. Before he walked out of our home, he treated me terribly. I knew he had been working long hours 12 hour shifts for 2 months without a day off, he was exhausted and I tried to remember that and remind him of that but everything to him was "my fault". He began spending a lot of time with a "friend" who was a girl, I believe he didn't cheat but I can't understand why he had to go outside of the relationship when he was going through a rough patch. Anyway he walked out and I was devastated. Now he wants me back. In fact he wanted to come back 2 hours after leaving and I told him to give me time. He reckons he didn't realise what he had and he promises to get some counselling to improve his emotional well being BUT my family and friends have all seen the way he has treated me so badly and even though I feel I want to try things again, I feel I can't - I feel everyone I love that was here for me when he wasn't would lose all respect for me? And what if he changes again? I have a really close male friend who has always been there for me and now wants us to be something more but even though he has a heart of gold, I can't seem to forget my ex. Am I am just a glutten for punishment? I feel very lost. I love my ex with all my heart but is love enough?
A. In short, no, love is not enough. Compatibility is also crucial and respect, trust, honesty, communication etc etc. This whole situation pivots not on whether your friends will accept your decision or if you want to try a relationship with a different man but on only this one thing - will things be different with your ex the second time around? If you believe he genuinely wants to change, suggest he sees a counsellor and sorts his own issues BEFORE you resume your relationship. It strikes me that you're not really living your own life but everyone else's. Your true friends will accept whatever you decide - they just want to protect you. You can't seriously consider another man till you sort out your feelings for your ex. So, why not take this time out to think about your true feelings in this matter - then, stand strong on your own principles and everything else will work out.
Sex, Lies And...
June 9 2005
Q. I have been happily married for 15 years. I love and trust my wife.
Recently, apparently out of the blue, I have started thinking about a
problem that we went through 16 years ago but that I must have repressed.
Before my wife met me, she was much more sexually active than me.
Most of her encounters were one night stands but she lied to me about
this. She said that she only had sex with her boyfriends. As we
started getting more serious, she would finally confess to having a single one night
stand. It made me very upset that she lied to me but I got over it as
she promised that this was the only time it happened to her. Then,
about 6 months later, she admitted to yet another one night stand. This went on (her
admitting to yet more one night stands and each time saying that it was the last
one) until she confessed to having a total of 5 one night stands. It
enraged me so much that she could repeatedly lie and deceive me. It also upset
me that she did not insist that these complete strangers that she had sex
with wear condoms. I wonder what she was going through at this time. Recently, when I tried to talk to her about her past before she met me and her lying to me about it, she just mostly cried and said that I should forget the past or get counselling. I am not trying to judge her, I just need her to know how much she hurt me and I want to know what was going through her mind at the time as she did all these risky behaviors. What should I do? I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. Thank you very much for any help or advice you can offer.
A. Why do people lie? To cover up, to maintain someone's good opinion, to avoid hurt/confrontation. I'd say it's pretty clear why your wife tried so hard to deceive you. Can you not forgive her? She might have just been young and foolish and made some unwise choices - didn't we all when younger? The reason you are still hurting over it is the betrayal you felt and obviously still feel. You might want to examine your past to find the source of these responses. Also, it's never healthy to obsess over anything, especially issues from the past. Counselling may indeed help you, just to clear this emotional debris. Check out my web site at www.charmainesaunders.com for further reading and advice.
Bedroom Troubles
June 3 2005
Q. I am in a loving relationship with my partner of a year. He is my only sexual partner but we have problems in the bedroom. I have never had an orgasm and have never come close. This bothers my partner, however doesn't really bother me as I don't know what I'm missing. I can't stand him arousing me for too long as the feeling becomes too much and starts to grate and feels bad. We've tried many different positions and different tactics. I'm also on the pill that I've had problems with as it causes me to heat up downstairs and causes pain. This is not psychological as my partner can feel it too. I'm currently seeing a doctor about it. However, I also now have another pain during sex that is different from the other one. This one is more of a tension related pain. We wish to see someone to have our difficulties erased as it is straining the relationship. What is your advice? Who do we seek for help?
A. There are many reasons for sexual dysfunction in men and women. Your's does sound psychological though there are obviously physical causes as well. As you are able to be aroused, and you say you've tried various things, it must be an emotional block that you acquired along the way. I certainly would never say that orgasm is the be-all-and-end-all of love-making but you put it clearly yourself - you're missing out on a beautiful experience that you are entitled to have. Sex therapists usually suggest 'self-pleasuring' initially as a way of getting to know your body and its needs. Continue to enjoy your partner but try to get to the source of your inability to climax. As you're not in my area, I can only offer email counselling. Check my page at www.hark.com.au if you'd like that form of help; otherwise, try to find a suitable therapist where you live.
Mummy's Boy
May 26 2005
Q. I've had a sad love life. There's this guy whom I truly loved with all my heart. Our relationship was on/off. In 2003, when I first met him, he told me he loved me, but then he met this girl and had a major crush on her after being with me for three months. From then on he ignored me totally, he even jotted her b'day in his mobile and called her, but she is not interested in him. I could tell he was in love with her. He knew I really liked him and he told me he had chosen that girl over me. I still like him but am angry at the same time. I feel really stupid because we've had a few physical contact for several nights. I knew he was just using me but I can't help it. In 2004, he did not speak to me, not one word for about 6 months. In June 2004, he started talking to me again. I had a long discussion with him. He told me to give him a second chance and believing that everyone deserves a second chance, I accepted his apology. The thing is, he told me that he did not speak to me for a long time because his parents knew about us and told him to concentrate on his studies and not hook up with me. When he told me this, I didn't quite believe it. Anyway, I gave him a second chance believing that he could be a better person. He did change a little bit, but of course a person can't change completely. Since then, he told me he loved me almost every night, and we've had sexual contact several times. He took my virginity away but during this relationship, he sometimes talk about his ex and I find him a bit stingy too, for example, he didn't do anything for my recent birthday. Also, it seems that he is embarassed to take pictures with me and he never addresses me to his friends as his girlfriend. He still sees his ex and I can't help being jealous. He hasn't even told his family about me. How can I go out with a guy whose relatives and mum don't like me? I find that he's a bit of a mummy's boy as well. He doesn't support me but of course I don't expect him to go against his mother. Now he's told me to give our relationship a break. I was totally stabbed! I don't see a point after what I've gone through. I really loved him and I tried my best to improve our relationship. I think it was him who wasn't working hard enough, it was him who has wandering eyes and constantly flirting. I even noticed that he treated other girls better than me, maybe that's because I've gone out with him. We tried being friends, but it didn't work out. I feel now I don't want to see him ever again or talk to him. Do you think what I'm doing is right? Personally I feel that he has hurt me too much. I still cry every single night just thinking about what I've gone through and what an idiot he is. It's very hard to get over it. I miss him! Sometimes, he tries to call me now, but I am ignoring his calls. I don't want to have anything to do with him ever again. What do you think?
A. Thank you for your trust in writing to me about your situation and for all the detail you supplied. I had to cut down your lengthy letter but really, the detail is not as important as the substance. Yes, I'm afraid you are right in your choices over this relationship. There are just too many things you dislike about this guy for it to work. I can't speak about this man's feelings and motives but it's clear that he has been ambivalent all along in regard to you. The problem is you've tried too hard and you're quite right in saying he hasn't tried hard enough. But if he has not committed to you completely, you can't do anything about that. The only thing you have any control over is your own feelings. It's right and natural to grieve but one of these days, you will come out of this emotional fog and realise there are other men out there and they will be willing to value you. BUT first, you have to value yourself. I hope if nothing else, you have learnt not to demean yourself in the future for anyone. No-one can use you unless you allow it.
Long Distance Love
May 18 2005
Q. I'm currently in a long distance relationship. I lived with my current boyfriend for around 3 months.. The problems really started rolling in after I left him to continue my studies - the problems were always there, only it didn't bother us that much when we were together. I knew I was the really jealous and insecure type, but I didn't expect it to take so much control of me as it does now, especially after my bad experience with an ex. I recognise my problems, but the question is, how can I change this? I'm trying very hard, I know that a relationship without trust, you may as well not be in it. I really really want to be able to trust him 100% but I always fear that he will do something I don't like behind my back specially because we're geographically apart at present. He has done a lot to give me confidence, but there are times when he would not tell me when he's going out for example and I would only find out by calling him. I have asked him to tell me, just so I know, but he won't do it. He tells me that he feels pressured and wants to have freedom - which I don't seem to allow him to have but everytime he doesn't tell me where he's going, with whom and for how long, I think he will eventually cheat on me. I so want to change my problem as I know that this is one guy who is really sincere and really loves me, he gives me all the confidence he can but I just don't seem to have the confidence I need. Another something I'm really scared about is that he has already given up on me. Less than a week ago we had a long talk - or argument really about this problem and I told him I knew my problems but I needed time to change, and that he wasn't helping. In the end he decided that we both needed time to calm down. Since then we haven't contacted each other at all. When we try talking to each other, we don't seem to have anything to talk about! I remember looking at each other on the webcam for about half an hour with absolutely nothing to say! I always ask him why is it that when he is with his friends, he can talk nonstop for hours, with me, nothing! Why? Please help.
A. The details aren't as important as the underlying situation which is your deep-seated insecurity. The reason your boyfriend hasn't been able to help you is that he can't! This is your responsibility. Sure he can be supportive but I would guess that he's probably feeling pretty frustrated himself - hence the silences and awkwardness between you. Long-distance relationships are difficult to maintain, even for very confident people, and this is feeding your fears and doubts. You need to stop the cycle right now, for yourself as much as for the relationship. Your guy is feeling very pressured and honesty then becomes very difficult. Seek counselling or read a book to enhance your self-esteem as I truly believe that's the root of all your present problems.Trust will follow automatically then. Past hurts can't be allowed to take over as fear is very crippling. You are making life much more stressful than it needs to be so please do something soon.
D.I.V.O.R.C.E
May 11 2005
Q. My husband and I are in the process of a divorce. He said he needed time to think on whether or not he loved me and wanted to be with me. Now,
even though the divorce is still going through, he has decided that he loves me and wants to be with me. I am now the one who is questioning whether or not
I love him and want to be with him. He has hurt me so much by continuing to pursue this divorce. He seems to think that I am feeling the hurt of the divorce and if given time to heal, I will have a clearer picture of what I feel for him. Is he right? Is there anything that can be done to get myself to a clearer mental picture of what I want?
A. I think he could be right in this instance. Everyone has doubts sometimes. Most of the time, we don't act on them. At least your husband told you
straight out he wasn't sure of his feelings instead of going off and having an affair. After some `time-out,' he has decided he wants you and it's just up to whether you can forgive him. Forgiveness is easy when we think of how imperfect we all are. Your hurt is that he could've seriously thought of divorcing you but everyone deserves a second chance. If you love him, cancel the divorce and start again but look at how your marriage could be improved. Write to me direct if you think some email counselling might help you.
Lovemaking Off The Menu
May 6 2005
Q. I have been with my husband for 18 years. When we first met, sex was great but for the past 15 years, it is nil.We are lucky to make love 3 times a year. My husband after much arguing had blood tests and all was fine. We tried Viagra but need a pill to make him want to take it! My husband does like to cuddle and hold hands but that is it. Over the years, I have tried many different things to make him interested without success, now I have just given up. My husband likes to be the centre of my attention much of the time, also I am 10 years older though still quite youthful. He was very close to his mother when she was alive even though she lived in another country. I've often thought this could be the reason! My husband is also very jealous (which I can understand under the circumstances). I live quite a happy life but feel it is incomplete. I take a great deal of interest in my appearance, go to the gym often. Maybe I have just hassled too much for my husband to feel comfortable about trying to make love. I have no idea and would appreciate any help you may be able to provide.
A. Viagra is not the magical answer to all sexual problems, as people are coming to realise. You have the opposite problem to most women who usually wish their husbands would cuddle more and want sex less! But your level of sexual activity sounds pretty unsatisfying so I can understand your feelings about it. Loss of libido can be attributed to a whole range of reasons, from bad health to boredom. There's little point in trying too hard to figure out what it is unless he's willing to go to counselling. After 18 years, you do have to work to keep things fresh. Unfortunately, the patterns are now entrenched and you're going to need a lot of patience and tolerance to overcome them. You're quite right in saying that your husband feels pressured and reluctant to change the existing situation. Get back to basics - foster love and tenderness, make him feel safe but also let him know what you need. After all, marriage is all about give and take. I wish you luck.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
April 29 2005
Q. I have been troubled lately by a relationship I started late last year. I am troubled because we are both married to other people. Under what circumstances would extra-marital relationship be justified? I thought about breaking up, but it is not easy to break up either because our children go to the same school and he is the family music teacher of my children. I don't know why he is pursuing me, whether I am an easy target (because my husband is a workaholic and so is his wife), or I provide him with a considerable constant income, or something else. I have no one to turn to about this situation. I hope you can enlighten me. Thanks.
A. Breaking up is never easy. I get asked all the time how to know when it's time to do it. These are the two tests I usually suggest - 1. Is the bad stuff in the relationship taking over from the good stuff? 2. Is your love for your partner causing you to abuse yourself? If you answer 'yes' to both of these questions, it's time to seriously consider leaving the marriage. It's no good just staying for security or habit. Having an affair is really not the answer because it just compounds the problem.
Frightened and Jealous
April 22 2005
Q. I have been with my partner for 2 years now. I'm 19 and he is 24. We have been living together for 1 year now. About 2 months ago, he got violent with me in a fight we had (this has happened at least 3 or 4 times before) so I moved back to my parents' house. He went to counselling and has been begging me to move back in although I've been staying with him every night anyway. There are a few issues. My biggest problem is he has a 3 year old daughter in New Zealand whom I have never met but have the hardest time trying to accept the fact that he has a child with someone else. He promises me he has never been in love before and never wanted children; it just accidently happened with his ex of 4 years. I get upset when he talks to his daughter on the phone. I want to see everything he sends her; he's even stopped talking to her because it upsets me so much. I don't know how to deal with it. I love him so much, I don't want him to resent me. He keeps telling me we'll get married soon & have our own kids eventually. I'm scared of her interfering with us and jealous too, I'm not looking forward to meeting her or his ex as she has caused lots of fights in our relationship of telling lies and threatening me. I also resent the fact that I have been paying for the majority of things in our relationship and it upsets me that he has to pay child support & buy her presents when that money could go towards our food or car payments instead of her. What can I do?
A. There are basically two issues. Let me talk about your guy's daughter first. We all have a history before we enter a relationship and it's a waste of energy to resent her. It's not a child's fault how she comes to be born or how her parents feel about each other. She is entitled to financial support. Your relationship is with this man and you should just focus on that and not on things you can't change. You seem to want to do it but are finding it very difficult. Jealousy is about insecurity and therefore, your own responsibility. I can offer you email counselling or read my book, Women and stress, available at Amazon. As to the violence, I'm afraid there's no two ways about that - no matter what the provocation or apparent reason, this cannot be tolerated. Before you can even consider going back to him, you must have these problems sorted out - his anger and your possessiveness.
Trust
April 14 2005
Q. I am 18 years old and so is my boyfriend. We have been going out for 8 months and everything seems fine. Everytime I spend time with him, he
would tell me I'm beautiful and that I'm the only girl he loves and
also telling me that he loves me more than anything. I love it when he
says that but why is it hard for me to believe? I kept having this
ideas that he is cheating on me but he kept telling me he will never
do such a thing like that. I trust him but sometimes I feel down,
thinking that he lies to me. The reason that made me started to not
trust him is because he is a horny guy and a lot of girls love him
because he's an ice hockey player. My boyfriend and I have the same
group of friends and our friends have said that we are a couple that
will soon get married and be with each other forever. Our sex life is
active, we would have sex everytime we're alone together. We have also
discussed about getting a baby in two years from now. Trust is the only
problem I think I need to fix because I know he is the type of guy
that is honest in relationship but I still can't trust him at times.
Can you please help me how to fix my trust for him so I can continue
on a great relationship?
A. Trust is a big issue in any relationship but we are each responsible for it ourselves. You need to trust your own judgement first and not let your doubts and fears run away from you because jealousy and pressure can really drive a partner away. I suggest you do some personal growth work in this area for yourself and let the relationship develop at its own pace.
C'mon Baby Light My Fire
April 6 2005
Q. I used to date the guy I am completely infatuated with. Now we are just close friends. How can I get him to rekindle the feelings that he once felt for me?
A. Well, unfortunately, this can't be forced. Consider why you broke up in the first place. Maybe you're only meant to be friends. All you can do is continue to see him as things are now and let things unfold naturally. Don't push or pressure as that will only put him more at a distance.
Living Together
March 30 2005
Q. My fiancee and I have been living together for 4 months now. Two day ago, she decided that things were not working out right and that she wanted me to move back out. She says that she wants things the way they were before we moved in together, which was seeing each other everyday and spending weekends together. What can I do to save what I think is a failing relationship?
A. Not living together does not necessarily mean your relationship is failing. Either you can go back to the old arrangement and try later for a live-in set-up or you could identify what caused problems since you've lived together. Obviously your fiancee hasn't been happy but things need to be sorted out and clarified especially if you plan to marry someday. Ask the tough questions and address the problems.
Spreading The Love
March 21 2005
Q. This isn't so much a question but a plea for your opinion. Yes I'm a man and yes I read your advice column. I respect it which is why I pose this questionto you. Let me preface this by saying that through the information that you provide to me, I am not looking to make a judgement, I just need some perspective. Last night in the heat of the moment my girlfriend, at my behest, told me how many men she had slept with. Now I know that this is not usually a good subject to broach but I'm not jealous, and I am in love with this woman. Well, that number was 175! I know that men have a tendency to exaggerate how many women they've been with but geez, I mean, I'm 38 and have been with 12 women, she's 35. I don't want her to be self-conscious about this so I'm going to avoid the subject unless it starts to bother me. We are very honest with each other, as you can see. I've done some research online to get some stats but to no avail. Your opinion?
A. Thank you for your kind words and trust in writing to me. I'm glad you said you want an opinion rather than a judgement because none of us can truly know what's right for another person. Having said that, you need not look up stats; I can tell you that number is way above average and women tend NOT to exaggerate! It's best not to ask for details of a lover's past sex life, other than for health reasons. One is apt not to like the truth! What you could ask politely is whether she went through a period in her life when she just wanted casual sex. That could explain it. What really matters now is how she feels about YOU in the present. The past is over - don't let it haunt you and spoil what you have. If she was or is a sex addict, you need of course to address this. But otherwise, it's only going to bother you if you let it. It's your choice entirely.
The Big "O"
March 9 2005
Q. I need help. I want to know everything about orgasms. Such as what to do to have one, how does it feel. I don't seem to ever have one, or hold it back or something, but dont know what it is supposed to be like, I have no idea. Please help.
A. There's no way to describe an orgasm but believe me, you'll know if you have one. I don't know how old you are but at any age, your first climax is something to look forward to. The main thing is never to push it or pressure yourself into one. Either it won't work or you'd have a disappointing experience. As to how to have one, it's probably best if you experiment on your own initially. Being comfortable with your own body is the key and self-pleasuring enables you to achieve that. Having sex with a lover is a whole other thing because there are then emotions involved. I suggest you get hold of a really good book on the subject such as `The Joy of Sex' or `Sexual joy.' They'll give you anatomical advice as well as techniques and positions etc. The pleasure of sex is totally natural. Let it happen but you can practise in the meantime.
Unfaithful
February 28 2005
Q. I really need some advice because I am at a turning point in my marriage. My husband and I do have a lot of problems and they stem from his extreme jealousy. I will admit to an extramatrial affair on my part, but he also had one. We both had talked about why they happened and I forgave him and have put it behind me. He said that he forgave me but I don't think he has put it behind him. For this reason, we argue a lot and he always brings this up. Right now we are separated because he has gone away to see his family. I am here in our home and I do miss him terribly, but I am hearing a lot of things about him that have made me feel like a real fool. The most imporrtant reason for this feeling is that, for the last two years of our marriage, he has been sending money to his family and I'm talking about anywhere from $100 to $500 at a time while I work, go to school, take care of my three sons while buying our home and repairing it with no help from him. Living with us is his brother and brother in law who have both helped me more than he has and they are trying so hard to keep me from getting hurt by his actions. I really don't know what to do!!!!! Please help me if at all possible.
A. Your problem in this relationship is essentially trust. Okay, you both had affairs and you say you've discussed the reasons. That's important but what's also important is to forgive AND forget. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Your husband is still suspicious, jealous and untrusting yet he's the one obviously doing things behind your back. Whren he comes home, you need to comfront him with what you now know and tell him that some new rules have to be put in place.e.g, no more bringing up past mistakes. It also seems that your contribution in the marriage is out of balance. Tell him there's no free lunch and he needs to pull his weight a lot more. You are at a turning point - you can give up or try again with new awareness. If you opt for the second, it can only work with the cooperation of both partners.
Emotional Abuse
February 15 2005
Q. I recognise I am being emotionally abused in my relationship. I have attended assertive training and have read lots of books both on personal development and marriage. My question is: How can one be assertive and avoid a power struggle? My husband likes to comment about everything, he gets angry very easily and is a typical abuser who feels he needs to be in total control. I have been practising acting instead of reacting, for example: he used to say I was fat. I now say, no I am not fat. I realise that an assertive reply is my viewpoint and is not for the purpose of forcing someone to change their opinon or behaviour. I will then leave the room and try not to engage with his emotional abuse. He has never physically hit me but has pushed me out of the way in the past. I don' t think it is right what he is doing but, after being passive-agressive for five years, I am beginning to learn to be assertive and accepting personal responsibility and emotional strength. I do not know if I will stay with my husband forever, or if any of these personal changes will move the cogs and so things will be different. Thanks.
A. Your actual question was buried in a lot of detail some of which I've had to edit out. I'll deal with that question specifically. You obviously are doing all the right things. You've educated yourself on relationship skills and are applying them - excellent. Haven't you already noticed changes in the dynamics between you and your husband? Leaving is always an option but as you say, if you continue to behave differently, things should shift and improve. Okay, so how to be assertive and yet avoid a power struggle? Being assertive is stepping out of the power struggle, it's about personal empowerment, not bossing someone else. Your husband is clearly a control freak so just speak your truth quietly as you have been doing and he'll have nothing to work against. The game will have to end because it won't serve a purpose anymore. It all takes time but it should work.
Smut Hunter
February 10 2005
Q. My husband enjoys searching for porn on the internet. Lately I've come across some of his personal ads that he has taken out in search of a discreet relationship for a lonely married man. I was very upset about this because I had always thought we had had a good marriage. Do you think he will eventually follow through with this or continue to search online or do you think he is just playing? He says he is happy in our marriage and I always thought he was, but this has really thrown me for a loop. Help!
A. Regardless of whether he will follow through on his ad or not, you have a serious problem. The fact that he's looking at porn on the net is already regrettable let alone that he's advertising for sex! I understand that a lot of these cyber activities are fantasy only and your husband probably only wrote that he was lonely so as to attract replies but still, you're going to have to lay down the law on this one. I am a very open-minded person - I have to be for counselling - but some things are simply not acceptable. Maybe your husband only said he was `playing' because he got caught. This goes to the heart of your marriage and the trust within it. If this continues, whether he's serious or not, it's going to damage your relationship. Tell him how serious this is to you and offer a compromise. If he must look at porn, he must at least discontniue the advertising.
Nil By Mouth
February 4 2005
Q. My partner loves oral sex and wants it all the time. I can’t stand doing it and this makes him really mad. We’ve only been together a few months and I don’t want to lose him over this. Any suggestions?
A. A lot of women actually don’t like giving oral all that much. Unfortunately, it is also a sex act that most guys particularly enjoy! I have two suggestions - firstly, that you think of your guy’s genitals as just part of his body. Don’t think of it in any special way. If you love a person, you want to kiss them everywhere so orally pleasure your fellow all over including his penis without any emphasis. This will help you to overcome any aversion you have to that area. Starting slowly like that, you might come to enjoy oral sex and even if you do |
