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 Ask Aphrodite - 2006 (Jun - Dec)
Bring your love life back to life! Counsellor Charmaine Saunders is available to help with advice on relationship matters and issues affecting your love life. You can email Charmaine and each week she'll answer reader's questions on this page. Please note that Charmaine can't respond to all emails personally and she cannot advise on medical matters.
(This an archived page. Click here to view the current Ask Aphrodite page.)
Mixed Messages
November 21, 2006
Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half now. About two months ago he began talking of marriage and living together in a year. Then two weeks ago he began acting differently. He kept saying that he needed some time apart. That we are not "clicking" like we used to. He always seems too busy to talk about anything that is going on. I know he has been under a lot of stress with his job and his sister getting married this past weekend. I just don't know if our relationship is over now or not. I love this fellow very much and I don't want to lose him, and from what his family and friends have told me, his feelings are mutual. What should I do?
A. These doubts are very common in the dating game. Either this guy is going through a personal crisis or he's met someone else and doesn't know how to tell you. I assume you've asked him to tell you but if he refuses to talk, you will have to be a little firmer about it. Tell him you'd rather know the truth. If he's going through something he can't discuss, give him the space he needs, but if he's fallen for someone else, you're better off cutting him loose to explore those feelings. You know what they say about loving something and letting it go - well, it's true. It sounds like he could be suffering from stress so do what you can to take pressure off him, suggest some books or courses. It could even be that he's becoming afraid of his feelings and fearing commitment. Whatever it is, get to the bottom of it soon.
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...
November 17, 2006
Q. My husband and I are in the process of a divorce. He said he needed time to think on whether or not he loved me and wanted to be with me. Now, even though the divorce is still going through, he has decided that he loves me and wants to be with me. I am now the one who is questioning whether or not I love him and want to be with him. He has hurt me so much by continuing to pursue this divorce. He seems to think that I am feeling the hurt of the divorce and if given time to heal, I will have a clearer picture of what I feel for him. Is he right? Is there anything that can be done to get myself a clearer mental picture of what I want?
A. I think he could be right in this instance. Everyone has doubts sometimes. Most of the time, we don't act on them. At least your husband told you straight-out he wasn't sure of his feelings instead of going off and having an affair. After some "time-out," he has decided he wants you and it's now up to whether you can forgive him. Forgiveness is easy when we think of how imperfect we all are. Your hurt is that he could've seriously thought of divorcing you, but everyone deserves a second chance. If you love him, cancel the divorce and start again, but do look at how your marriage could be improved.
Insanely Jealous
November 14, 2006
Q. I've been with my man for 3 years now. I seem to have a really bad jealousy problem. I can't even handle him looking at another girl, I get really, really cut. I get in bad moods all the time because of this jealousy. What can I do? I've never been like this before. Why am I like this?
A. If you haven't been like this before, it probably means that you love this guy in a very intense way and you feel out of control. Unfortunately, the more you try to hold onto someone, the more likely you are to lose them. No one likes to feel smothered. So, I strongly advise you to deal with your jealousy issue before you damage the relationship too much. I actually think you're hurting yourself more than anyone else. Jealousy is very destructive and creates a lot of unhappiness. That's the reason for your bad moods. You need to accept that these feelings belong to you, otherwise you can't change them. They're caused by your own insecurity. Work on that and gradually, you'll gain trust in your boyfriend and in yourself.
Abuse Of Trust
November 7, 2006
Q. My husband and I have been married now for 18 years. Our relationship began in secrecy in fear of hurting my ex-boyfriend. Our marriage began in lies, as we didn't want to hurt our parents, and let them know I was further pregnant than they realized. I didn't want to hurt my husband's parents and never told them about his significant debt. They believed I married him for his money, which is the antithesis of the truth. His parents have made my life a living hell, because they don't think I am worthy of their son. About four years ago, and for a period of three years, I found that my husband had been lying to me. We were still in debt, he had sold our investment property without me knowing, and it took months before all the rest came out. One large financial lie could have landed us both in legal trouble, except for the compassion of the company we were dealing with. He says he now has changed, but I can't seem to get past the lies. He is more accountable, and now brings home his pay slips and I have access to all his accounts, if I choose to view them; but unfortunately the trust is very much gone. Is there a way for us to move forward as a couple?
A. The short answer is yes, but it will take work. Trust is a very fragile thing, especially in relationships. It can only be restored if both people are willing to put in the effort. You married this man knowing he had financial problems so he really didn't betray your trust in that sense. He made mistakes but has now acknowledged his failings and seems to be making a real effort to change. Give him credit for that and make up your mind to give him the benefit of the doubt for the time-being. If he falls again and you can't take it, you can look at other options then. As to his parents, I really think it'd be good for everyone if he came clean with them about his part of things. If they want to continue making you the "bad guy," then there's not a lot you can do about it. In any case, hold your head up high and know that you are good enough.
Fighting Over Money
November 3, 2006
Q. I am dating a man and we are both college students. We plan to marry within the next two months. However, I am concerned that he is a little self-centered and thinks of me only when it is convenient for him. For example I needed money for texts for classes, and he has the means to get them for me but he won't. He has not even considered doing this for me. Another example is when he needed money to pay his rent, I said I would give him a certain amount, but was financially unable to and he decided to get angry with me and pout. I am frustrated and I am considering calling things off until we can settle some things. What do I do?
A. Rather than call the relationship off while you sort things out, why not try doing it together? It's appropriate to have a break when we're unsure of our feelings but in this case, it seems to be more practical considerations. Mostly, you seem to fight about money which does not bode well for the future. I suggest that while you're still dating, you keep your finances apart but if you decide later to live together, you need to both be honest about your attitudes towards money, spending, bills etc as this can become a great source of conflict otherwise. Tell him right now how you're feeling and give him a chance to prove you wrong.
Rekindling The Fire
October 31, 2006
Q. I used to date the guy I am completely infatuated with. Now we are just close friends. How can I get him to rekindle the feelings that he once felt for me?
A. Well, unfortunately, this can't be forced. Consider why you broke up in the first place. Was it his choice to break up? I hate to say it, but maybe he wasn't as keen as you in the romantic sense. Maybe you're only meant to be friends. All you can do is continue to see him and let things unfold naturally. If there are deeper feelings involved, trust that they will show themselves and then your relationship can return to dating. If not, try to value the friendship you have and look for love elsewhere.
Breaking The Orgasm Drought
October 27, 2006
Q. I am reaching out because I feel completely hopeless. I am 42 and have been having sex since I was 17. I am in a new relationship and this new guy is the first guy in over 10 years where a potential future seems possible, but issues in sexuality are arising. I've never been able to have orgasms with sexual intercourse or oral sex. I can have them when I masturbate and have been able to do so since I can remember as a young child. I also know I require mental stimulation and fantasy to keep my mind engaged; I can't just have the physical act of foreplay and sex to keep my body stimulated. If my partner and I just keep bumping and grinding without moans and groans etc, I lose the moment. I understand I need to "teach" my partner, but it's never worked because I've been self conscious and never get to the point that I can when I do it alone. I know he feels disappointed every time it doesn't happen for me and then I feel like there's something wrong with me. I hate that he feels like it is his fault and no matter how much I tell him it is about me he says he understands but then when it comes back around again, he feels bad.
How can I teach a partner to help me enjoy what I know I can by masturbating? The good news is, I know I can have orgasms and I was actually able to do this with him one time just recently, but the bad news is he feels intimidated by the vibrator, he doesn't like it and is not turned on at all by the idea of me masturbating etc. I had hoped we could explore this together. I also have found it pleasurable to watch another masturbate and he has never done this before and is not comfortable with it. He says he is willing to try all of these things but then when it comes time to explore and practice and enjoy it, it all falls apart. I know it is a matter of "thinking" too much on both our parts. I've communicated I need touches, kisses, hugs, sounds, talking - mental stimulation. I want to just "play" and take it lightheartedly, but it is not coming easily to us. Is this the beginning of the end for this new relationship? What do we do? Do we walk away and find different partners? Do we continue as is and stay in a somewhat unsatisfying sexual relationship?
A. You're right in many of the things you say but I think you're focusing too much on your guy's feelings and reactions. We are each responsible for our own sexuality and as long as you're honest, you're not doing anything wrong. In a situation like yours, I normally would suggest you try mutual masturbation and using a vibrator, but you've already done this and it hasn't really helped. Most women would agree that just bumping and grinding doesn't do much for them so you're no different there. I assume you've tried various positions which can make a big difference. If masturbation begins early in life, it does establish an orgasm pattern which is now working against you. Communicating about preferences and needs/desires is important in bed and a spirit of experimentation and fun is essential. You are now in danger of getting into a very negative rut which could indeed break you up. What you could try is to fantasize whilst making love. There's nothing wrong with it if it helps you to climax, but also remember orgasm is not the only vital ingredient in love-making. I don't think you need to break up but will both need to stop over-thinking and intellectualizing, relax more and stop taking it all so seriously. If you show that you're enjoying yourself regardless, I'm sure he'll follow suit.
On Again, Off Again
October 24, 2006
Q. My boyfriend and I are still in a relationship at the moment but we have been on and off for over four-and-a-half years now. We broke up again briefly just recently, but have since gotten back together. We keep coming back to each other every time. He has in the past couple of months admitted he can't say he loves me, which has me baffled. But he genuinely still wants to be in a relationship with me. I also want to still be with him. We have both discussed seeing other people but we both have said right out that we don't want different partners; we want to be with one another. Do you think it matters a great deal if he can't say he loves me but I know that he feels that way?
A. If you really know in your heart that someone loves you, you wouldn't need to hear the words. Reassurance is only necessary where there is insecurity. Perhaps you need to look at the reasons for your constant break-ups and reconciliations. If you had more stability in your relationship, you might feel more secure. You obviously seem to genuinely want to be together so why not just trust that and be relaxed and happy? You can't demand someone love you or even say the words. He will when the time is right. Until he's sure, he clearly doesn't want to say anything, which just makes him honest. Maybe he's unsure about things too, so just let time pass and work on building a positive future with him.
How Do I Get Rid Of Him?
October 20, 2006
Q. I have been in a relationship with a man who's 3 years older than me for 12 years now. I am 44. He knew from the beginning that I was very interested in marriage; however, he has not acted on this as yet.
He has left me 3 times over 4 years, however, he has been very responsible and stable these past 3 years. My problem is, I have fallen out of love with him and don't think that I could ever marry him now even if he were to ask me. This is because he rejected me for all those years and he really made me feel quite worthless. I would dearly love to find someone that I can resonate with, but each time I suggest this, he states that he is not going anywhere. We live together in my house and it's way too small to accommodate myself, him and my 2 grown daughters, but he won't budge. He has a house of his own which he rents out to tenants. You see he's always prioritized everyone over the past 12 years of our relationship. The list includes his parents and a very nasty sister who used to rule him. I think that he never married me because they did not like me or my lovely girls. He is 47 and has never married and has no children. His parents died 3 years ago, so now I'm his number one priority which is really sad because I wanted it then. This seems to have soured the relationship somewhat. Can you please advise me?
A. Your feelings are perfectly understandable. You put a lot of energy into the relationship earlier on but have lost heart now. It's your right to end the relationship and you seem very sure it's what you want. There are very real problems associated with the current situation but the main thing is I feel you're being used as a financial convenience. Regardless of the circumstances, if it's your home, you should be able to choose who lives there with you. I'm afraid you will need to seek legal advice if he won't move out. Don't say anymore to him about it till you find out where you stand. As to the subject of his making you feel worthless, please remember that no one can do this. Self-esteem is your responsibility. Work on this and you will attract a more suitable person in the future.
Suicidal Boyfriend
October 17, 2006
Q. My boyfriend is suicidal and I want to know how I can do my best to be supportive and help him look at life and himself more positively. He's a college football player but is injured at present and is not playing. This is the first time since he was 7 that he’s been unable to play. The doctors have him doped up and addicted to painkillers. He says he feels like a freak and a monster but I constantly tell him and show him that he's beautiful and very special. He says he feels like a failure, and that his only career goal has been put down the drain and he has no willpower in life. He has "set the date" of his probable suicide to be at the end of the summer. How can I help him? I want to do my best to be positive and happy with him but he doesn't want to talk about this and just escapes through his drugs by taking them till he's "high". Help!
A. I'm sorry for all your troubles. As hard as it might sound, the first thing you need to do is to be aware of your boundary issues, in other words, clearly delineate in your own mind where you finish and he starts. If you lock into all his problems, you will not only be unable to help him but you will, in fact, be overwhelmed yourself. Having done that, try to prioritize the things that need dealing with in order of urgency. That way, you will be able to manage the chaos in bite-size chunks instead of feeling overwhelmed by everything at once. Next, as far as you can, calm the emotions of the situation down. You will be a much better support if you yourself feel centered. Achieve this by taking time-out whenever you can get it, walking around nature or sitting in a garden - simple but effective techniques. Life often seems to dish out a lot at once, but remember that even the darkest night always sees a morning. Never give up and try to instill this message into your man; keep reaffirming the beauty of life even in the worst times and remind him that things CAN get better. This is not a glib answer but a real solution. If he's an addict, however, he really needs professional help; but be a friend as far as you can without letting it affect your emotional and physical health too much.
Orgasm: Missing In Action
October 13, 2006
Q. I am 24 now but hardly feel anything while having sex with my boyfriend. Is there something wrong with me? And may I know what it means by orgasm? Is it the pleasurable feeling during sexual activity?
A. You seem very inexperienced on the matter of sex. Did you begin to be
sexually active very late in life? There are many possible reasons for your lack of sexual response, some physical and some psychological. If you feel very little when making love, you could be simply holding back and not giving yourself over completely to the experience. As to orgasm, it's much more than just a nice feeling. It is the climax of tension and excitement built up by making love. Sometimes, it's like a ripple through your whole body and other times, it's explosive and mind-blowing. You will certainly know when you've had one. There's nothing wrong with you. I just think you need to educate yourself about your body and the sex act, positions, varieties etc. If you trust your boyfriend, ask him to experiment with you and try different things. But there are plenty of good books, videos and organizations around to help you; and of course, practice makes perfect!
Scared To The Point Of Paranoia
October 10, 2006
Q. Five years ago I got divorced. I found out that my husband had been cheating on me with several of my closest friends. Needless to say I got rid of all those friends and him. I haven't been involved in a relationship since. Now I am involved in one, or just beginning one. I am scared of every aspect of having a relationship. I'm scared to the point of paranoia that he is seeing someone else, although there hasn't been any reason for me to think that. How can I get over this feeling of fear before it ruins this relationship-to-be?
A. You're very wise to ask this question as it's a more common situation than you might realize. Basically it's about fear and lack of trust. Fear is very draining, tiring and most of all, it distorts our sense of reality. It's always about the future and is essentially a fantasy of the mind. If you can practice trust, you will see your life changing positively around you. Say this mantra - "I am always okay." The thing you fear most is what you tend to draw into your life so by imagining your guy is unfaithful; you could actually cause it to happen. It's understandable after what you went through in your marriage but only you can change these feelings. Not all men cheat so try to build up your trust and give this new man the benefit of the doubt. Living is risk but playing safe is death. Get back into life.
Addicted To Crushes
October 5, 2006
Q. I am concerned about a possible romance addiction. I have a history of having long term crushes which substitute for real relationships. I think about the guy all the time, as if I were in love. And, as much as I RATIONALLY understand the unrequited nature of the scenarios I establish (some lasting as long as 2 years without dating others), it is really hard for me to stop thinking about the object of my crush. I am not acting out obsessively. Oftentimes, I establish intimate FRIENDSHIPS with the object of my crush, but on my own. I have created a relationship on my own without him. The times in the past when I have told my crush recipients of my interest (after some time in this fantasy world), he’s not interested and I fall in a deep depression. In other cases, I keep it inside, and never reveal my interest. Either way, I know that I am not developing true intimacy with these men, and I would like to be in a real relationship. But I am frightened of getting my heart broken, of not being good enough, or not being attractive enough, or not being a recipient of love. What should I do to get out of this and break the cycle? Some say it is a form of romance or relationship addiction, but I don't feel like it is an addiction the same way as drugs or alcohol. And, I receive no high from this. There seems to be little secondary gain from these excursions. What would you suggest?
A. Addictions can, in fact, come in many forms. The main ingredient is that the addiction takes over your life and you lose control. From what you describe about the way you interact with men, I'm afraid it does sound like addictive behavior. There is no high or gain, but it serves a subconscious purpose nevertheless. It's not very satisfying and won't change unless you're prepared to work on yourself and face your true fears. Lack of self-esteem is at the root of this issue and I'm afraid there's no short-cut to recovery. Perhaps you could start with a course or a book; then if not enough, think about therapy. You actually have a good understanding of your behavior so find the courage to do something about it; the sooner, the better. You deserve to be happier than you are.
In Love With A Friend
October 5, 2006
Q. I have a friend that I am deeply in love with. We've known each other for about 4 or 5 years now. We had dated once, but he stopped that because he didn't want to be in a relationship at that point and he didn't want to destroy our friendship. He has a girlfriend now, and I don't know if he knows how deep my feelings are about him. We both enjoy each other's company and try to spend a lot of time together. He calls me and wants to hang out, even though he has a girlfriend. I get really confused sometimes. Should I tell him how I feel or keep my feelings to myself?
A. You'd be risking your current friendship if you speak of your other feelings. But there's something called "positive risk", the type that is likely to bring a positive result. You'll have to decide if revealing yourself to this guy is that type of risk or not. Yes, you could stand to gain a lot, but on the other hand, you could lose this guy altogether. My suggestion is that you put out some feelers and see what comes back, in other words, try a more subtle approach. Once you have some "evidence", you can then decide with more certainty what you should do. As he has a girlfriend, I think he's made his position clear - he doesn't feel romantically about you. The situation might change so if you really love him, hang in, bide your time and grab your chance if it comes.
Problems With An Old Flame
September 28, 2006
Q. I met this great guy 6 months ago. He and I both work two jobs. Needless to say, our time is limited. When we are able to spend time together, it is wonderful... a movie, a quiet dinner, a day of shopping. We talk (or used to) every day and we agreed that this was indeed a committed relationship. And then... I ran into a former colleague a month ago who used to be interested in me. He asked me for a business card. For a week, I talked to him on the phone but I did tell him that I was involved. He asked was there any way we could get together since we were never able to before. I told him no. The next day, he sent a video saying how he felt. He blew kisses, called me sexy, and said that he wanted a chance. He also referenced something that we discussed in a previous conversation. My "sweetie" saw the video and he is now very angry. He feels that I lied to him because he said that I did not tell him about the conversations. He also asked me if the former colleague asked if I was sleeping with him. I was honest and told him that I did reveal that our relationship at this point is non-sexual. He has not had 10 words to say to me in 3 weeks. He said that he was angry that I would converse with someone else extensively and also tell private details of our relationship. I asked him if we were over and he told me to "just relax". I have called and called and cried and begged and emailed and text-messaged him. He is not responding; he just sporadically says "relax" or "I'm busy" or "I'll talk to you when I am ready." Did I mess up? Am I losing him? Is he overreacting? Are my persistent efforts proving to him how much I love him or are they pushing him away? I want what we had (and the potential of what we were building) - how can I get him back? I’m missing my man!
A.
I don't think you really did a lot wrong. The main thing that's hurt your guy is your lack of honesty. You didn't exactly lie; what you did is called a "sin of omission." His pride has also been dented and that's probably why he's now enjoying his bit of power over you. I'm afraid you're just going to see this out, be patient and let him come back in his own time. Before you re-commit to your relationship though, do work through this issue so that it won't recur in the future. You had a right to talk to your friend about your relationship but in the process, you invaded your guy's right to privacy. I do think the friend's behavior was a bit inappropriate. However, your boyfriend is over-reacting a little. So, it all evens out. I hope it works out in the end. Trust it and it will happen.
Overcome With Jealousy & Hatred
September 21, 2006
Q. I recently broke up with my boyfriend as he had been cheating on me for the past few months with his ex girlfriend and I found out when I read his texts. He admitted that he hadn't loved me for a while, and he is now seeing her. The problem is that I work in a college and his new girlfriend does a course here. I often see her around college and every time I do it kills me. I'm overcome with jealousy, hatred and anger. She's always looking happy and surrounded by her friends, and I can't help but feel that she's got everything that I haven't. I don't have friends like she does, and I don't have my boyfriend anymore because she has him. I really love my job and the people that I work with, but I can't stand seeing thus girl all the time. Even on the days that I don't see her, I am constantly looking around for her, expecting to bump into her. I dress perfectly every day, I make sure my hair and make up are perfect just so that if I see her she won't have any reason to say "It's no wonder he finished her and came to me when she looks like that." I'm actually beginning to think that the only way I can get over all of this and try to move on is if I find myself another job, but then I worry that I might not find another job that I like as much as this, and I might not have such great colleagues in another job and I will then be even more miserable than I am now. What do you think?
A. Your feelings are perfectly understandable and yes, if you move away, it would be easier - but then she wins. You know how to be empowered by this situation instead of victimized by it? Change your attitude. Don't think of it as her winning over you but that your guy gave up a good thing. You have nothing to prove, especially not to this other girl. Stand tall, be proud, hold your head up when you see her, let her know you respect yourself. This is just one guy and if he prefers her, I say let him go for it. Why should you give up a job you love? In time, this will all be a storm in a teacup. Ride it out till then.
Just Friends?
September 14, 2006
Q. I have a dilemma. I am 20 years old, single, and just out of a long term relationship about 8 months ago. For the last 7 years, I have been secretly in love with one of my best friends. She and I have always had a great unspoken connection... and up until about 5 months ago we never really expressed our feelings to each other. About 4 years ago was the closest we ever came to revealing this to each other when we shared an extremely emotional and romantic kiss, after which we never really spoke of again, only to joke with each other of how silly it was. Our relationship is very routine. When I say this I mean we usually see each other every other week only to go out for a drink or two or to go for a drive and talk. We get along so well it surprises me... she seems to be the only one in the world I don't get tired of after a while. Anyway, about 5 months ago we went out and had a fantastic night then took our relationship a big step further. She ended up staying the night and I have to tell you I have never had better sex (we didn't sleep an hour of the night). We've seen each other several times after that and decided it needed to be done and that we could return the way it was. THEN, about a week ago it happened all over again (I could say the same about that time as well). The very next day we went for a drive and talked about what would happen. We decided not to pursue our relationship any further and again return to how it was. Here is my dilemma, I love this girl... and I truly want more and I know she does as well. She is afraid that if we get in a relationship it will ruin our already great friendship and she doesn't want to take a chance. I can't stop thinking about her. What should I say? Should I say anything at all? Should I leave it how it is or should I tell her how I feel? And if so how should I approach it? I don't want to scare her or make her feel that she has to or our friendship is done. I can't talk to any friends about it because I would be going against her will by telling others. Please help... any advice would be greatly appreciated. I truly thank you for your time and I love your web page.
A. The best relationships often begin in friendship. So, if what you both feel at present is meant to be the start of something important, it will happen without any further orchestration. I certainly understand that there is an inherent risk in changing the very foundation of what you've had with this girl up to now. Just one kiss may not mean anything but why don't you ask her for the chance to find out? Go out, have fun, do the dating thing, see how it feels. There's nothing to lose if you're honest, clear and flexible - and most of all, unafraid. 'Faint heart never won fair maiden' or in modern language, go for it! There's no need to say much, just trust, be confident and sail into the future. There are no guarantees so don't have unrealistic expectations, just be sincere and you'll be okay either way.
Contraceptive Blues
September 7, 2006
Q. I've been with my husband for more than two years now. We've been married for one of those two years. I love him with all my heart. The problem I am having is that I am really depressed. Before we got married we had a really good sex life. Although, I wanted to wait because of my religious beliefs, we didn't, it was too hard. I started on the patch about a month before I got married. So by the honeymoon I had no sex drive whatsoever. Not only did I feel like not having sex, it was painful and I couldn't orgasm. It really freaked me out. I didn't think it was my birth control until someone said they had the same symptoms. Also I had other symptoms like severe acne, mood swings and depression. I mainly focused on his past, which really bothered me. I got very angry and insecure if he wasn't paying 100% attention to me. The first few months of our marriage were a nightmare to say the least. So I got off the patch and I started to feel a little better. But not very much better. And I also got pregnant. We are both very excited about that. My only worry is that I still have no sex drive and I am still very depressed. I am really desperate. I know options are limited because I am pregnant. So do you have any suggestions? Or can you point me in the right direction? I don't want to ruin my relationship with my husband. I know that he loves me, but I don't want to push him too far. If we fell apart because of this I would be totally devastated. Please help!
A. Firstly, don't panic! Everything looks worse when we react negatively. It sounds to me as if your hormones are all over the place so a trip to a specialist in that area would probably help a lot. Don't make sex the whole issue as I think you just had a rough start to your marriage and it's turned off your libido. But it can come back, and will, once you get the rest of your health sorted out. As for the depression, it sounds also related to your birth control. It takes a while for your emotions to calm down after you come off it. Get a better form of contraception after you have your baby and in the meantime, enjoy being pregnant, don't worry so much and you might see the depression fall away. It's very easy for it to become habitual so when you are no longer pregnant, you can look into the possibility of short-term drug therapy.
Digging A Little Deeper
August 31, 2006
Q. I have been in a relationship for the past two years with a man from England. He is a wonderful man and I could not be happier that I have found him. March and April we had a very hard time together, we didn't know what we wanted and it was almost to the point where it wasn't even like we were dating. Needless to say, it was horrible. At the beginning of May, I found out that he kissed another girl. He lied to me about it and when I found out, he admitted to me that it was true and the reason he lied to me was because he didn't want to lose me. He misses his family so much and really has no one here who are his "true" friends, so he has been very unhappy, almost depressed for the past couple of months. When I asked him if anything else had happened, he said no. A couple of weeks later, we were doing great but still something wasn't right in our relationship. A friend of mine told me that he slept with the same girl. When I asked Rob about it, asking how I can believe him if he lied to me before, he said, "Well, I just lied to you twice, I'm sorry but it's true, I slept with her." Obviously, I was and still am in complete shock. But at the same time, I have been cheated on before and thinking with my head and not my heart, I KNOW that Rob is not like the other guy that cheated on me. When I look at him, I don't see a cheater, I see someone who has made the most horrible mistake he could ever make, but I know that he regrets it. I have spoken with his mother, who knows everything that has happened. Of course she was shocked as well; she couldn't even talk to him because she didn't expect this from him at all. But she said that she knows this isn't her son, this is not how he acts. She knows that he loves me very much and that this will never ever happen again. I know that he wants to be with me; if he didn't, he would have broken up with me to be with this other girl, and he says he doesn't want to be with her and I believe him. I know that people say "once a cheater, always a cheater," but this situation is so different, and yes we are still together, I don't look at him and label him as a cheater. I want to stay with him and work through this and I know that he does to. Yes, the whole lying thing was horrible, I would never ever do that, but I do understand, not agree with why he didn't tell me, because he thought he would lose me. He didn't lie to spite me and play me. I guess I just need some advice. I believe that I am doing the right thing. I don't NEED to be with him, he doesn't complete me, he adds to someone who is already complete and that's me. I think that we can work through this together because we both want to and I do believe that I can ultimately trust him eventually. I guess I just needed some advice from someone who is older than me. Thank you!
A. I'm not quite clear why you need my advice as you say you are still with him and believe he has learned his lesson. Is it that you want reassurance that you're right? The best way for you to have that is in trusting your own instincts, not his words or mine. What is your inner wisdom telling you? That will never lead you wrong whereas your heart can. On the matter of infidelity, I certainly believe in giving people a second chance. It does concern me that he played around AND lied. Don't you think at the very least you should find out why he needed to be with another girl? If he really regrets his behavior, he probably won't repeat it but don't just take him at his word, dig a little deeper and then, if you decide to trust him, give him the benefit of the doubt unless he does it again, in which case, you need to let him go.
What Went Wrong?
August 28, 2006
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 8 months now. Things used to be great. We were so close, we liked all the same things, we agreed on everything, and we did everything together and actually enjoyed doing it! But now things have changed so much. Everything I say he disagrees on, we argue a lot (my family have even started to notice the problems), we hardly talk anymore, he makes excuses not to stay at my place anymore, and he spends a lot more time with his friends. For example, this weekend he has been out with his friend 3 nights in a row. He said he couldn't go out with me today because he was going to paint his room, but now it turns out he's going out with his buddy again. Whenever I try to tell him how he's making me feel, he just says "I've had enough of this" and then I have to apologize before he ends the relationship for good. He has a password on his text messages so I can't read them! But then he claims he's not hiding anything but won't prove it to me. He has told me he doesn't know if he loves me anymore and that he has feelings for other people, but he agreed to try and make things work. However I don't feel like he's trying at all. I'm doing all the work. I'm holding a lot of my feelings back just to avoid the arguments. I'm giving him his freedom and letting him go out with his friends, however I think 3 nights in a row is too much. When is he going to make time for me?
I had depression 3 years ago and I used to self-harm and now the depression is back. I cry myself to sleep every night. I constantly feel like suicide is the only way out, and sometimes I cry so much that I feel like the tears will never stop and I have to dig my nails into my skin till it bleeds just to bring me back to Earth. I can't put up with this relationship any longer, but I can't live without my boyfriend. He's all I have. He is my soul mate, my boyfriend, and my best friend all rolled into one. I have no other friends. I've became so reliant on him in my life, I don't know how I could live without him. My only option is suicide, but I feel like that isn't even an option as my sister is pregnant and I worry that if I kill myself she will be upset and have a miscarriage (she has had one before). Please help me.
A.
You don't say your age but my guess is you're pretty young. I can't help you save your relationship, I'm afraid. My job is to help you see your life more clearly and make better choices.
Suicide certainly isn't the answer and your cycle of depression and self-harm tells me you're very unhappy in general. Your boyfriend is not your savior and I think by your expecting too much from him, you've pushed him away. It sounds like he wants out and eventually he will just go unless you take the pressure off. Please get some help for yourself and stop relying so much on this guy. If you could achieve a more balanced relationship, things could be good again. But you have to take responsibility, break out of your negative patterns, make some new friends, GET HAPPY! It sounds very difficult but it isn't. Just take the first step.
Allergic To Sex?
August 20, 2006
Q. I have been married for 1 year. I am 33 and my husband is 36. We had a very healthy and regular sex life in the beginning. In the initial part of our marriage (during the honeymoon), we used to have sex 4-5 times a day. Thereafter it was about 2 times a week for the first 4 months. From 5th month onwards, it reduced to once in 2 months, then once in 4 months. The last time we were intimate was in Oct-Nov. I am getting very concerned about the fact that my husband seems to have lost interest in sex. He initiates lovemaking, namely foreplay, and also gets a hard-on but the moment it has to proceed to actual sex, he withdraws and says that he is tired and wants to sleep. This is making me very concerned. I get frustrated when he pulls away and starts snoring immediately. I feel rejected. If he does not want to make love, why does he initiate it? This confuses me. When I ask him he does not answer. By nature he is a loving man and I know he loves me. But I don't know why this is happening. He even said once - why aren't you getting pregnant even though we have had sex so many times? This upsets me. It makes me feel as if he wants to have sex only to procreate and not to enhance our love for each other. I am very upset and concerned. I really want to help him and improve our relationship together. I did suggest to him that we should seek help from a psychotherapist or sexologist but he laughs it off. By nature, I am a communicative person and he doesn’t like to discuss much. What can I do to help him? Does he not love me anymore? Why is this happening? When I asked him why we don’t get intimate, he gives different excuses each time. He also says that he thinks of me as a child (immature) and not a raunchy woman who turns him on. I am very hurt. He thinks I am too sensitive and take everything too seriously while he says many things just for fun. He tells me that he ejaculates daily while taking a shower so I don't think it is an erectile problem. I'm not sure. What is the best solution to my problem? Please help.
A. A decrease in sexual activity is perfectly normal as a relationship progresses but your situation sounds a little unusual. Sexual dysfunction is one possible explanation for your husband's behavior. He might be suffering from premature ejaculation or the inability to maintain an erection and is covering it up by saying that he's ejaculating in the shower. That's quite insensitive; incidentally, for him to tell you this when he refuses to make love to you. The other possibility is that he's angry with you for not falling pregnant because it makes him look bad. Regardless of the reason, your sex life and marriage is not going to improve until the two of you can be honest with each other. Men don't like talking about deep issues - that's a given - but this is too important to let slide. You'll have to be a bit more assertive, stand up for your right to have a full life. If he refuses to seek professional help, you may have to get it yourself so that you can gain some insights and tools to sort out your problem.
Miss Right
August 10, 2006
Q. By choosing to wait for the "right" person - I almost chose myself right out of the human race. Everything is better when love is around. I have not lived with a woman for more than 10 years - but I want to. I am worried however, that after so many years of being alone and not actively involved in any great love relationship - that should Miss Right come along, I might have trouble adjusting. I also view those that jump from one relationship to another as people who have little feeling - as they seem not to take the time to heal or feel anything but the joy of the next fling. Can you address these issues - "the dance away lover" and "the mourning one" who longs for love, waits too long, and is out of practice? I am afraid that if I meet someone - all the suppressed stuff I've had no chance to deal with (because some parts of us do not surface without a partner) may surface and I will do badly with the awkward faults. I long for love but fear failure.
A. You're right in a lot of what you say but your approach to love and romance is way too analytical. I'm a great believer that people should enter relationships with their eyes wide open but you have to give love a chance to find you. If you are too wary or too fearful, you will push it away. Yes, relationships are fertile ground for self-knowledge, healing and growth but you can use the time when you're alone to work on these in preparation. When you're in a relationship, all your buttons will be pressed - there is no way to avoid this but if you choose the right person, you will survive and even flourish together. So my advice to you is - trust yourself. Don't let your doubts become your obstacles. Love is worth pursuing, get past your ideals of how things should be and just let it happen. My last book was Winning Relationships and it's a handbook of skills that may help you. Contact me if you'd like more info.
Mystery Man
August 3, 2006
Q. I've been dating a man for almost a year now. He's 39 years old and claims to never have been married or in a serious relationship. This past month, he was in a rush and left his briefcase over at my home. I've in general had a curiosity about him as I dated him for nearly a year before he even invited me to his home. He said it was due to distance, and that he lives in an area where there isn't much to do. Anyway, to make a long story short, I snooped in the briefcase. I found he had lied to me about being married, and appeared to have been divorced almost 3 years ago. I actually had asked him straight-out if he had been married, and he has responded with a "no", and playful "where do you hear this stuff?"
He also says he has never had a serious relationship/girlfriend prior to me, (several sexual-buddies/brief encounters) and the prior girlfriend worked within his company and was 21 years old. That lasted maybe 6 months (he claims it was the longest relationship he had had). I'm 31. He has been a very caring, loving boyfriend, kind and considerate, but it took him over 8 months just to say "I love you" and I know he loved me long before that. But it took him quite a while to open up to me, which is closer to who I am as well, but I know he wanted to say I love you, and he couldn't. He has communication issues, but is slowly easing up, and becoming a little more open.
We are great friends, talk all the time, he is a businessman, and goes away now and again, but is always emailing, calling me when he's away. He reminds me he loves me when he's away or on business/or will be away/calls me from the plane. etc.
He often voices that he is happy with me. He has stated in the past that if we were to go our separate ways that he would be happy to have met me and shared this time with me.
This statement is a double-edge sword to me, makes me feel good on one hand, and on the other, makes me feel as if he could let me go. Do you think he is keeping me in the dark because he doesn't see me in the long term? I think it's strange. Also, he has said he has never been able to show affection (hand holding/kissing) with any woman in public aside from me. I find this hard to believe now knowing he was married. I just don't know, and something doesn't add up. Am I just another convenience in his busy world, someone to keep him from being lonely and to vacation with on his path to his financial success and freedom? I wonder.
I also wonder about the seriousness of him toward me when he tells me about his ex-lovers being out of their "prime" when they're only 35-37, his own age, and lying about his previous marriage! He seems to have a real appreciation for young beauty, as most men do. He recently said that we could go either way, he would be saddened by our demise, but could also see us together "forever". He's also said I've changed him for the better, made him a better man and that he knows he could never find anyone like me again. Stating he's never met a woman on his level mentally/physically that could challenge him/or that he could even talk to, confide in and be friends with, aside from me. He usually and always has avoided talking about anything regarding long-term commitment and said he doesn't know if he wants to ever get married. What should I think about him? Why the lie about his past relationships/marriage, and constant cover-up? He's been a bit of a playboy in the past, so I don't know if I should see where this leads. He's mentioned he didn't know what he was truly missing out on in life before finding a real relationship. I don't want to pressure him, because this seems to go nowhere. I love him, but life is short. In my heart I feel he could be the one, but his fear of commitment frightens me and sends out signs of immaturity or just not being ready.
A. You're really asking me to be a mind-reader which is impossible. I can't know what this guy's true motives/feelings are. Certainly his secrecy and deceptiveness are causes for concern but he's probably hidden his past because he feels bad about it all. There's nothing to say that he doesn't feel the things about you that he has continually expressed. With the kind of background he's had, I'm not surprised he took a long time to decide he loves you - I'd say he has a big issue with trust which would explain his fear of commitment and reluctance to make promises. If you really love him, you'll have to wait till he's ready, I'm afraid, and not pressure. However, you do deserve an explanation. It's not healthy to stay in your current turmoil of confusion so get things out in the open and clear the air between you.
Cheapskate?
July 27, 2006
Q. I need your help most urgently. I'm 22 years old and I am in a relationship with a man older than myself. The problem is, every time we spend time together, I have to pay for my meals and to maintain myself throughout that time. Is something wrong with this picture? Isn't the man supposed to be taking care of all of this? Also his ex-girlfriend keeps calling his home and he refuses to tell her to stop calling him as their relationship is over. Could it be that he still has feelings for her? Or am I being naive?
A. These days, the rules of dating are not as strict as they used to be. Many modern women are able to hold their own financially and some even resent a man assuming they need to be paid for. However, I certainly don't think you should be paying every time. Perhaps you could say in a casual, teasing way that you'd like to be taken out and treated or offer to pay for him once or twice till he gets the message! If he's simply mean, I'd rethink the relationship. As to the ex, some people like to stay friends so I don't think there's necessarily anything fishy going on. I doubt if his feelings are those of a lover so try not to let jealousy take over. My overall concern is that because this guy is older, he's pretty set in his ways and is unlikely to change. You could be in for a frustrating time ahead if you pursue this relationship.
Workaholic Partner
July 20, 2006
Q. I am currently in a live-in relationship and things have gotten tricky. My boyfriend took a job about four months ago that seemed like a great opportunity but it's turned out to be a horrible decision. We do not have enough money to pay our bills and he works constantly. It's becoming a personal insult to me because once he's at work, I completely leave his mind... which would be fine if he didn't work ALL the time! The lack of attention I receive from him has led me to lose most of the loving feelings I had for him. His father is also a workaholic and I am not prepared to be put on the back burner. However, I am not at all financially independent. I could be, but at the moment I am not. Moving out would be very difficult. I could not move back in with my parents because they adore him and would be very angry with me for leaving him. I've tried to tell him that he needs to be here for me more and that I wouldn't have moved in if I would have known it would be like this but it doesn't seem to sink in. Please tell me what I should do.
A. It's unfortunate timing that this job change happened just as you moved in. Is this a good career move for him? If it is and will move onto better things, it might be worth some short-term pain for long-term gain but if not, then perhaps you could suggest he look for a better paying job with more reasonable hours. However, I think the problem runs far deeper. It sounds to me as if you are suffering from the transition process of changing your living arrangements. Living with anyone is difficult and your guy's workaholic tendencies are obviously getting on your nerves. By all means, keep talking to him about this issue, maybe even tell him you need couples' counseling. If he's a true workaholic, he will need professional help. Meanwhile, give it a bit of time and try to be tolerant of your differences. It's perfectly reasonable to want to spend time with your lover but not to demand constant attention to make yourself feel better. That's your job, not his.
Conquering Menopause
July 13, 2006
Q. I'm a 48 year old female who once had an extremely enjoyable healthy sex life with my husband of 25 years. My husband was, and still is, always very considerate when it comes to pleasuring me, so therefore 99% of the time I have no problem having orgasms! But for the last 2 years, I've experienced a lack of sex drive and my vagina doesn't seem to produce any lubrication. I went to the doctor in search of an answer, but all he had to say was that I was pre-menopausal, and that my estrogen and testosterone levels were slightly lowered, but that was all he had to say. I don't believe that there's nothing that can be done, and I didn't want to take that as the final word. In the past 5 months, I've been back to the gym to work out, and I have noticed that my sex drive is increasing and my vagina is becoming more lubricated BUT I still can't orgasm! Could you give me some advice as how to get it back to the way it used to be, and if it won't come back, WHY?
I have tried to masturbate and, sometimes not always, have had an ever-so-slight flutter orgasm. I've been quite upset and my husband feels as though it's his problem which I know it isn't, and I do tell him that.
A. I'm glad you added the info about masturbating because that's an important clue. It tells me that your current situation is not about your relationship but more a physiological problem. I agree that you shouldn't just accept the "nothing can be done" verdict. Certainly menopause does affect women in a very real way and it's great that your husband is being supportive. It's nobody's fault. Stay clear on that. You firstly need to see a really good specialist who can regulate your hormones. I can't promise you'll ever feel exactly as you did before all this but orgasm is perfectly natural and there's no reason why you shouldn't have them. Why not take this opportunity to concentrate on the softer, more sensual aspects of love-making? Get closer to your husband by lots of touching, cuddling, mutual massage etc. Your libido will come back in good time and meanwhile, don't worry too much or try too hard.
What About Me?
July 6, 2006
Q. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We recently broke up because I thought she didn't care anymore. But I called her a few days later and she was as much of a wreck as I was. She wasn't eating, sleeping, and just being mopey all the time. I felt really really bad so I asked if she would take me back. But she wouldn't. She said she needed time to think about things. I just got off the phone with her and it turns out that she likes someone else. The reason she acted like she didn't care about me is just because she has feelings for someone else. But her feelings for this other person are so very small that she knows that it wouldn't be worth giving me up. She knows if she dated this person (or any other person) that she would come crawling back to me asking me to take her back. I am nineteen years old and she is only sixteen. We gave our virginity to each other and we can honestly see ourselves spending the rest of our lives together. But she feels so guilty about having feelings for this other person, that she doesn't want to put someone who she loves like me through having to deal with a partner who likes other people. So here is the question, do I take her back? Or do I just let it go? Part of what makes our relationship so special, is that we are the only people who have had sex with each other. It really makes me want our relationship to last forever because it is that special to me. We have lots and lots of unprotected sex and we are okay with it because we know that we are "clean" and her chances of getting pregnant are highly unlikely, with her being on birth control and my ejaculation occuring outside of her. But all I really care about is myself. I know she loves me and wants to spend eternity with me, but if sacrificing our great relationship for my not getting hurt from her dating other people or messing around with other people is what it takes for me to not get hurt then I will do it. It would be so hard to find someone else to put up with me. My head says run, but my heart says stay. Will her feelings for other people ever diminish? I mean, I am her first love and I am hers, but I don't have any desires to see anyone else and she does! I won't want her back after she's had sex with someone else! It just wouldn't be the same and I would throw it in her face all the time. But I love her too much to give her up! What do I do?
A. I wish I could project you a few years into the future and let you see how differently you will feel about all this then. Teenage is a very passionate time and I'm not trying to minimize the importance of your feelings but try if you can to gain some perspective and see what you really want to do. This girl is 16! Why should she have to feel guilty for liking more than one boy? Just as you don't have to feel bad for protecting yourself. Of course it's very precious that you had sex for the first time with each other. That can never be forgotten and means that your relationship will always be special no matter what happens from here on. But personally, I think you're both too young to be tied down to a long-term commitment right now. Love is one thing; being together is something else. Cut down on the confusion, calm down and take it one step at a time. If you both decide to be together again, don't put too many restrictions on each other. Love needs room to breathe. Be supportive friends first and foremost and let the future unfold naturally. Good luck.
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from Jan-Jun 2006.)
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from 2005.)
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