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 Ask Aphrodite - 2007 (Jul - Dec)
Bring your love life back to life! Counsellor Charmaine Saunders is available to help with advice on relationship matters and issues affecting your love life. You can email Charmaine and each week she'll answer reader's questions on this page. Please note that Charmaine can't respond to all emails personally and she cannot advise on medical matters.
(This an archived page. Click here to view the current Ask Aphrodite page.)
Obsessed With His Sexual History
December 13, 2007
Q. I was a virgin before me and my current mate got together. He was not. I know a little history about the previous person he was intimate with & their relationship. We've been together for over a year & just recently, I've been feeling bothered (even a little grossed out) with the fact that he was intimate with another before me. It's been having a bit of a negative effect on our sex life lately. I can't help but make up the details of their intimacy in my mind. I also find myself wondering if the things he does & says when we're together are the same exact things he did with her. Eww... How can I get past this??
A. The whole issue of ex'es comes up a lot in my mailbag. It's natural to feel a little jealous of people who've been intimate with our partners before us but I wonder why it's just starting to bother you recently. I don't know your ages but if he was only with one person, that's a good thing, right? The fact that you were a virgin is neither here nor there. You took this man on with all his history which can't be rewritten now. You need to ask yourself why you're obsessing over the details. If you keep doing this, you'll drive yourself crazy and maybe end up wrecking your relationship. One thing I can tell you that might bring you some comfort is this - every person you make love to is different. Sure, there are standard moves in bed but individual feelings and chemistry vary. He's with you now - that's surely all that matters.
Fractious Foreplay
December 6, 2007
Q. I have been married for 7 years and I need to have sex more often and my wife is never in the mood for sex. It goes back to when we met when she was 19. The only time if she gets excited when I come to her and start playing with her body, and that only works about 30% of the time (about once every 2-3 weeks). I told her many times that we cannot continue like that but she replies “what could I do, that’s me and I’m never horny except if you start playing with my genitals then maybe.” We really love each other AND I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE CHEATED ON HER, but it is a horrible feeling for me every time to beg her for sex. I feel like begging a prostitute. Is there a pill to make her excited or another solution? She keeps telling me to find a solution as when she gets excited then she is all the way. It just needs to happen more often.
A. You already have the solution. You said that your wife is interested in sex when you touch her so do it! Simple. Most women need foreplay, touching, stimulation of various kinds before they can enjoy sex so your attitude must change if you want not only a better sex life but a better marriage. Don't focus only on the physical sex act as that might be pressuring your wife which only makes things worse. I suggest you focus on her more - take her out for a nice dinner, ask about her day, offer a massage. If she's relaxed, she'll be far more receptive. I think you're looking for a quick, easy solution, like a pill, but good love takes effort. Your wife could get a hormone test just to make sure she's okay but other than that, worry less about how often you're getting sex and more about the quality of your relationship.
Mending A Broken Heart
November 29, 2007
Q. I'm a female and I'm gay. I have a girlfriend (she's a stud) who dresses like a boy and is 18. I'm 16. We've been together only for a month going on two months because she broke up with me. She just called to tell me. I asked her why. She told me because we're not spending that much time together and she said she wouldn't want to hurt me if she cheated on me. My parents don't let me out the house much, I told her that when we first went together. I really think that was a stupid reason why she broke up with me. She should make it happen, spend time with me. She should come to my house, instead of me coming to her house spending the night and stuff. My parents would not let me do that. I was so hurt; I hate her for that now. I had a trip planned for us to go to an amusement park and everything. It's just not right at all. When she called me back after she broke up with me, she told me that we can go back together in the beginning of the school year because that's when I can see her every day and she gets her car. I told her, I don't even know. I was crying all day because I was upset. I would like for you to help me here, I would like for you to tell me what kind of person you think she is, and what should I do about this. I really need some advice.
A. I think the problem here is very simple - you're in different age-groups. At 18, she obviously has a lot more freedom than you so it's probably frustrating her that you can't do things together and spend more time in each other's company. She broke up with you partly for your sake but also for herself. I feel she's not committed to your relationship right now but wants to keep her options open for the future. You're at a very vulnerable age and getting your heart broken is all part of growing up. Don't try to keep this thing going because you can't stand the thought of losing her. It will just hurt more in the end. One of life's toughest lessons is to not hand over all our power to any relationship. Then, if it ends, we're not devastated. This is your first experiment in love. Please don't let it embitter you and most of all, don't say you hate her. You're just angry and hurt. Cry, scream, do whatever, but let it go and move on.
In A Rut
November 22, 2007
Q. I met my boyfriend in Feb 2006 after my friend/his coworker had set us up on a blind date. I am now 21 and he is 24. We hit it off really well and have been a couple ever since. We have had disagreements/small problems but have never fought. It's not confirmed, but I am pretty sure that he has depression... he messed up his first try at college and now has to pay his own way, which has meant taking a couple of years off, and now working full time and going to school full time. When he is this busy and stressed out, I feel like he gets really depressed. One thing I should probably add is that he has never been very good at keeping in touch/communicating (and all friends and family agree). Through everything we have had a pretty great time-I have spent holidays with his family and we have gone on a vacation together. During the second half of the school year, though, we have fallen into a rut. We are both so busy that we pretty much only see each other Saturday nights and Sundays and basically lounge around his apartment. In early March, he got so stressed (and I believe depressed) that he just didn't go to any of his classes for a week. Shortly after, I realized that he had stopped telling me that he loves me. When I asked him about it, he said that he had lost enthusiasm for a lot and feels like he doesn't love me right now, but really cares about me. That was hard, but we stayed together. Then a couple of weeks ago, I asked him (with the end of this school year in sight) if he saw a light at the end of the tunnel, if he thought things would get better anytime soon. He said no and suggested we just be friends. I told him that I couldn't just give up on us. I told him my thoughts (not actually telling him I think he has depression) and suggested that as he gets out of school things might look up. He said I had some good points, but also said that even if that was the case, by the time he wound down and got back to normal, he'd be gearing up for his last year of school (to which I said if we end up making it through this year, we can make it through next year). I also suggested that we start dating again once he got out of school for the year... but he's still working a lot to get ready for next year and I'm still in school. In any case, we are still 'together', but it's a bit awkward for me since he has never been very good at calling so I can't tell if things are better/worse/the same. I really love him, and I would be happy to have him just as a friend... but I also don't want to give up on our relationship in case it is depression. Thoughts? Suggestions?
A. If you truly think he has depression, I suggest you broach the subject tactfully as he might benefit from professional help. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. Check out www.beyondblue.com.au for useful advice and information on this subject. It does sound as if he's very stressed and stress can eventually lead to depression because of the draining nature of the former. All relationships should be based on friendship anyway so be prepared to offer that for now. Once things settle down, if he really loves you, it will become obvious to him and you can resume dating properly. It's very difficult to love another when you're in crisis so don't ask too much of him right now. Help him to get better and don't worry about the future. Hopefully it will all work out in the end.
He Doesn't Value My Sexuality
November 15, 2007
Q.
I remarried about four years ago after being a single mom for ten years. I married for the wrong reason: security. My husband pursued me for six years, throwing huge gifts at me, flying me around the country, and promising the moon. He was a master at manipulation and I didn't see it until I was thick in the middle of it, having quit my job and being completely supported by him. When he proposed, at first I told him I needed time to think about it, and then after a while when he pressured I said "no", at which point he abruptly cut me off, both financially and emotionally. He hung up on me in mid-sentence, and that was the end. I spent two weeks scrambling to figure out how I was going to support myself, and then he called and asked to meet me again. During that meeting I looked at him and decided that maybe security wasn't so bad after all, especially for my son, and I agreed to marry him. During those six years we dated we never had sex, although we would masturbate each other on occasion. I thought he was being considerate of my religious background.
Well, it turns out that he is impotent. (Is it impotence when he can get fully hard and ejaculate from a hand job, though?) It's been four years and I don't consider that we've ever consummated our marriage. He's never penetrated me with a hard penis. "Sex" is just mutual masturbation, and to be frank, he's awful at it. When I ask him to do anything differently, he gets mad at me, tells me I'll "get it the way he gives it" or he'll withhold. By the second year of marriage, I realized that whenever he touched me it made me dislike sex just a little bit more each time. But that hasn't been a huge problem: Most of the time when I've asked for sex, he's turned me down ("Don't tease me. I'm working/need my sleep/[whatever].") If I left him to initiate, he would approach me once every three months. I did find a huge stockpile of porn on his computer a while back, which didn't bother me at all, it just really surprised me.
When we've had conversations about sex, he insists that it's selfish of me to even ask for it. Aside from his money, there is nothing I consider worth being with him for. He has gained almost 100 pounds since we met, and rather than trying to lose weight, he brags about how much he eats. He sleeps ALL the time, sometimes 36 hours at a stretch. He is physically dirty and unattractive. He doesn't believe in getting medical care for anything: sleep apnea, impotence, counseling, nothing. He was a long time Scientologist so he believes doctors don't know anything. When he sleeps, we can't make any noise in the house, no matter what time of day it is. Yesterday he berated me for waking him up because "he has a JOB and needs his sleep", when he had told me just a half hour earlier that he got enough sleep that night and we were going to follow through on our plans to take his car in for service. (He usually makes plans and then sleeps through them.) I'm sure he is depressed but since he won't help himself and he won't let me help him, I can't let it be my problem anymore.
If I ever ask him to change ANYthing about the way he's dealing with me or my son or whatever, his answer is always, "How is it fair that I have a JOB and I break my back for you guys and you spend my money and then have the nerve to complain about me?" I have plans to leave him, but I just want to finish my senior year in college and get my bachelors degree first. I need 35 credits to graduate and I don't feel I can do that and work at the same time, so I'm just biding my time for one more year. I also don't want to disrupt my son's schooling. He's got two years of high school left and he suffers from anxiety.
I am certain that I've been depressed since I met this man. Moving out seems overwhelming, but I'm slowly getting stronger and stronger, and slowly getting rid of stuff so that the move is a little easier. I have not been sexually faithful to this man. For the past two years I have gotten sex where I can. I have had intercourse four times, and I have had passionate foreplay (not including intercourse) five other times. It's always been safe, and it's always been with the understanding that it's "just sex" and not a relationship. I don't feel like I'm cheating on my husband, because he doesn't value my sexuality and has never "claimed" it. I honestly think that if he ever found out, he would just turn his head the other way. (He told me he once heard his ex-wife in the shower with another man while they were married, and when I asked what he did about it, he said "nothing. It's not my business.") But I don't want to test my theory, I just want to get out.
My "problem" that I'm asking you about is the fact that I am now a "cheater". How can I meet someone new in the future and assure him that I won't ever cheat on him too? I feel my circumstances left me open to not being able to resist the opportunities. I feel my circumstances are different than most. But am I only justifying myself?
I have so many fears about the future. How will we be able to adjust to our new poverty when I make the move? Right now we can pretty much buy anything we want. How will I adjust to finding a new job at over 40 years of age? I have grown accustomed to doing whatever I want with my time, and I'm scared of being committed to a 40-hour a week job again. I'm also really gun-shy about anyone controlling me anymore. I just had an issue through school concerning a bad grade I don't think I earned, and some mildly negative feedback on my internship, and it freaked me out. Now I'm terrified of getting into a job where people have control over me like that. I can't seem to handle confrontation. I want everything based on cold logic, I run from emotionally charged situations. And I feel unattractive. I've gained a lot of weight too. I feel needy and clingy and like I'll attract the wrong type of guy again. I don't mind being alone, but I'm not getting any younger and I'd really like to experience a healthy love relationship at some point in my life. How do I get over all the fears I have about leaving? And will I ever be
able to have a trusting relationship with anyone, now that I've proved I'm
capable of cheating?
A.
It's very clear to me that you have already decided to leave this relationship but are going through a very natural period of doubt and fear about the future. But what sort of life are you living now? You say yourself there's nothing valuable in your marriage and I think you're both very depressed. He's avoiding and you're procrastinating, going round in circles. As for the infidelity, I believe it has just been circumstantial because you haven't had a real marriage. It's not impotence your husband suffers from; possibly premature ejaculation and that's why he can't penetrate, or maybe even laziness because he can't be bothered putting the effort in. That would explain the porn. There's no reason for you to believe you'd be unfaithful in the future. It's more a matter of trusting. I suggest you do some work on yourself to ensure you choose a better partner next time. Meanwhile, by all means, choose the best time to leave, but leave you must. There are just too many issues. Trust yourself to make your own way in the world and look after your son. You may have less money and time but you'll have peace of mind - and that's invaluable.
Should We Try To Make It Work?
November 8, 2007
Q.
My partner and I have been together 8 years, living together for the past 1.5yrs. I am 26, and he is 29, and we have planned our future together, and talked about a marriage proposal approaching. But at the weekend he told me he slept with another woman the previous week, while I was away. He blames alcohol - says he was extremely drunk, which I know is true because that was confirmed by the people he was out with. He admits he has a problem with his drinking because he can get in such a state that he wants to rebel against things. He says he felt horrid and it scares him how he can behave. He says he knows he has a problem, and needs and wants to get help. He says he cannot believe his actions and how he can go from previously thinking about buying me an engagement ring for my birthday this week, to doing this. He feels ashamed, sorry etc. I just don't know what to do and don't feel I can tell anyone around me for fear of them judging him and me. I have had trust issues in our relationship in the past and wonder if my insecurities and doubts could have affected this. We also had some time apart 3 years into our relationship when I moved interstate for work, and during that time saw other people – although he was the first to initiate this, and it was hard for me to cope with at the time. But after that period we recommitted and our relationship has been stronger than before. But this has brought up the memories of the past. We have been through so much, and I know that I have been completely happy during the past few years, but I wonder if this happening now is a sign that we should not be together. If he can do this now, does that mean it could happen again? But the thought of not being together is so hard to comprehend and really scares me – we have so much good in our life together. That said, he is also my only serious boyfriend, so I do have some doubts that maybe I could find something else like this again without the baggage. Another thing he said is that he does not like the attention of a wedding, which I think is the reason he has put it off the proposal. I have put some pressure on him to take this next step because I come from a religious family who do not like the fact we are living together before marriage. I believe we would need counseling if we were to move forward, and he must address his problem (it is not that he drinks all the time – it is just there have been some occasions he gets in such a state he can't tell right from wrong) Should we try to make it work, and if so how can we move forward from this? Thank you.
A.
Drinking brings out behavior that is usually repressed - arguing, rebellion, rudeness, fighting, lots more. Whether or not this guy has a chronic problem with alcohol, I definitely agree that he has to address his problems. What mainly concerns me is that he's been unfaithful before. It could most certainly be a pattern that will recur if it isn't resolved. I really think he should have counseling on his own first and then the two of you as a couple. Marriage should not be at the forefront of your thinking right now. I can understand after 8 years it seems overdue but it's essential to make a commitment only when things are right. Trust takes work to rebuild and normally I would advise against insecurity but in this case, I don't believe you brought this on. Be supportive by all means but insist he take responsibility for his own healing.
What's Wrong With Her?
November 1, 2007
Q.
I have known my wife for 11 years now, and we have been married for 7 years. We have 2 lovely kids together and my in laws are staying with us so that they can look after our children. However, over the last 2 years, our relationship has been deteriorating quite a bit. I am not sure what caused it, but when I tried to ask her, there was no meaningful response from her. I only got 1 or 2 blunt answers from her saying that her feeling for me is gone. Worst still she even said that she was thinking of taking the 2 kids and running away. I have tried to let her have time on her own and even took her to China for a holiday. But deep inside I know she’s not happy. One thing for sure is that she told me that she’s not involved with anyone else. I was really depressed as I have loved her as much as the day I met her, to a stage now where it is affecting my ability to work and also my appetite. One thing I noticed all along is that she is happier to be with her group of friends when they go out. I just wish that she could treat me the way she interacts with them - by sharing stories and other interests. I don’t want this marriage to fail, and I have been focusing on my own work so as not to damage further this fragile relationship. Furthermore I love her very much and don’t want her to think any more adverse stuff.
Is there anything I could do to improve this relationship?
A.
Let me ask you, is your wife is in her thirties? Women go through a rebellion at this age and experience symptoms very much like the ones you describe - feelings changing, wanting to go out with friends, loss of interest in marriage and family, wanting to run away, feeling unhappy and dissatisfied. If I'm on the right track here, the best thing you can do is be very patient, try not to judge or pressure. It's asking a lot of you but you say you love your wife very much and this is what she needs from you. Hopefully this is just a stage and things will go back to normal. If, on the other hand, there are some deeper issues going on, you will need to get to the root of them and resolve them with your wife before the damage is too far gone. In the meantime, try not to let it affect you personally as that won't help anyone.
Elusive Love
October 25, 2007
Q.
I need your help. I haven't been in love with my husband for years. I am 33 and we have been married for ten years. We have two beautiful children and a lovely home with great jobs. I desperately want to fall in love with him again. I have recently come home after a six month separation when I allowed myself to fall for another man. He was lacking in commitment and I hated being alone in a house. My husband smoked marijuana and drank too much. We never communicated. He was always moody and lacked zest of life. He has changed drastically and is a great person and I see a sweet loving person who is giving sharing
committed, a great father and worships the ground I walk on. The only thing is I don't love him. And yes, I still love the other man.
A.
I wonder why you didn't stay away and build a relationship with the other guy? Was he not available? Anyway, you're back in your marriage and can see a big improvement but the spark is gone. Perfectly understandable. I think you withdrew emotionally through the bad years and that's hard to overcome - but it can be, with enough desire and some effort. If you believe your marriage is worth preserving and prospering, you'll need to come up with some ways to brighten things up, especially in the bedroom. You're also at a crucial age for women when many go through a psychological transformation. The key issue for you right now is to stem the restlessness and ambivalence within yourself. If you're going to keep thinking about the other guy or pining for a different life, you won't make your future work or be very happy.
Why's He In A Hurry?
October 18, 2007
Q.
I have been divorced for 3 yrs and just recently began dating again. I met this man online and we've been dating for a month and a half. He is caring, giving, and genuinely nice. I have absolutely no complaints. I enjoy being with him and he seems to treat me very well. He's already began saying, "I love you," which makes me a bit uncomfortable. He says that I do not have to say it back but he wants me to know how he feels. I feel like he is rushing things a bit and pushing the relationship to go faster than what I want it to. I've asked him to slow down and he said that he would but he's doing it again. He feels that I am being selfish for not allowing him to express his feelings towards me. We began having sex in the 3rd week and now he's using that against me by saying "it's ok to have sex but not to say I love you". He also says that he is sorry that I've been hurt in the past so much that I am unwilling to "share" my heart and has asked me to move past it. I just don't want to leap into a relationship and would very much like more time to get to know him. Am I being selfish?
A.
Definitely not! No one has the right to pressure another person into saying or doing anything they're not ready for. This guy's actually being very manipulative and is pressing his own agenda. He's making a lot of assumptions about you after a very short acquaintance. You need to nip this in the bud if you intend to build a relationship with him. Unfortunately, because you've had sex, he's using this as yet another weapon. Offer to stop being intimate and see him quickly change his tune. Let him say he loves you but refuse to be pressured into reciprocating. Some people are ready to speak their feelings very quickly but tell him you like to take your time. If he sulks about it or keeps making unpleasant remarks, seriously consider terminating the relationship, tell him to come back when he grows up.
What's Wrong With Him?
October 11, 2007
Q.
I am 20 years old. I have currently been dating a wonderful man for over a year. Our sex life in the beginning was great, but lately many things have changed. I had real insecurities thinking it was me, that he would rather use porn to satisfy his needs or that he was cheating on me. After a long enduring talk and realizing it was not me, I let my insecurities go. He then later expressed to me how terrible he feels when "he lets me down," when we do not have sex when I want to. I try to understand that stress from his work, family, school amongst other things are the cause, but what does that mean, Charmaine? Do I have to bite my tongue and just let it go? Is there any way to solve this problem? I don't want it to be the reason we split.
A.
You say you understand why he doesn't always want to have sex when you do but it appears to still bother you a lot. Libido levels do vary from person to person and it's also usual for sexual activity to reduce after the first flush of excitement. Now that you've been assured there's nothing wrong with you or your relationship, you shouldn't worry. What it means is that you'll have to compromise and not have sex as often as you might like. There's more to a relationship than the number of times you have intercourse. Be close in other ways, don't pressure and focus on all the positives you have between you. The guy shouldn't have to feel guilty for not wanting as much sex as his partner.
He Can't Orgasm
October 4, 2007
Q.
My boyfriend and I have been together for several months, and we have just recently become intimate. However, he is never able to reach the point of orgasm. I've talked to him about it, but he's never given me a straight answer on why he hasn't been able to. He's admitted that with another past girlfriend, he was never able to climax, on the valid reason that she just wasn't doing it for him. He says it's a different situation with me because he was just self-conscious, and he insists it's still good even without the big "finale". I don't understand what's holding him back. Why can he not climax?
A.
It sounds to me like this guy has a sexual dysfunction and is covering it up with a variety of excuses. It's very hard for males to admit they have any kind of sexual problem. I agree that orgasm is not the be all and end all of love-making but to never be able to orgasm is definitely not right. If it happened with a previous girlfriend, it's obviously not "you", so put that idea out of your mind. There are several possible reasons for his problem and you will need to encourage him to go to a doctor or specialist. It may be as simple as a hormonal deficiency but it's not going away by itself so just stop putting up with it.
What's Wrong With Me?
September 27, 2007
Q.
I am a 21 year old female with two kids and the longest relationship I ever had was 5 months. Is there something wrong with me because of this? And Is something wrong with me because I have never had an orgasm? It's really hard for me to fall in love with people and open my heart to them because I think they are going to break it.
A.
In a way, you've answered your own question but before I get to that, there's something more important I need to say to you - you need to completely drop these beliefs you have about there being something wrong with you. This attitude is very destructive and will keep you from finding any kind of happiness in your life. Okay, so there's nothing wrong with you, ALL RIGHT?
Now, back to your last statement, you obviously have issues of trust and that explains your inability to sustain longer relationships. Orgasm, too, for a woman is linked to letting go with a lover she trusts. How can you do that when you are so afraid of being hurt that you stop yourself giving yourself a true opportunity to love? There's no shortcut, I'm afraid - you need to do some work on your levels of trust. Start by reading up on this matter online, get a book from the library on the subject or seek counseling.
Friendship Confusion
September 20, 2007
Q. My ex whom I lived with for two years, broke up with me two months
ago. I flew to Montreal to visit her and friends, she spent all her free time with me, bought me a gift and hugged me a lot and held hands, but she says she wants to be friends. What do you think it means that she spent five days with me, held hands and wants to be a friend?
A.
To some people, showing affection is a natural thing, not necessarily denoting romantic interest or passion. I don't think this girl meant to lead you on. It seems to me that she thinks of you as a dear friend but perhaps she was a bit insensitive seeing as you only broke up two months ago. I always counsel my clients not to try to convert a love relationship into friendship overnight. A break is required to allow wounds to heal. If you still have special feelings for this girl, I suggest you keep your distance and let time do its work. That way, you can move on in your own life and a genuine friendship might be able to develop. If the relationship is really over, you're just hurting yourself by holding onto false hope.
Codependency Woes
September 13, 2007
Q. I am a 54 year old male and I was very codependent upon a partner over a period of four years. My entire life and being revolved around my ex-partner. I gave all I had to give in an effort to make her happy but I failed. I suffer from depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Through this period of time, my ex came and went, in and out of the relationship and each time I did not know what to do with myself. I was one of eleven siblings and throughout my entire life this is the longest period of time that I have lived by myself and am lost and frightened that this will go on till the day I die. The relationship has now been over for just under two months. I sit here day in day out with minimal contact with the outside world. I see so much darkness and cannot ever imagine myself being happy again. The loneliness is just making matters worse. I have a sister who makes contact once every now and then but no other network of family or friends who understand depression and I do not like discussing this matter with my church pastor.
A.
I'm so very sorry to hear of your difficulties and pain. Codependence is a learned behavior and thus can be unlearned. Due to your family background, self-reliance would not have been a skill you developed growing up and now you find yourself in your middle years, lost and alone. Do you believe me when I tell you that the answer to your unhappiness is to learn some new skills, some new ways of being? This is not an easy process because you'll be undoing literally years of negative conditioning but once through it, it'll be akin to opening the curtains and windows in a dark room and letting in the air and the light. If indeed you have clinical depression, then you have to take drugs and get professional help but if the darkness you're in is a result of all that you have experienced, it can change just by your willingness to do the necessary work. Once that happens, you'll be able to make all kinds of other improvements - meeting new people, opening up your life, communicating, being no longer codependent and enjoying your own company in a way that's impossible right now. Please seek help soon in whatever way is appropriate for you.
Libido AWOL
September 6, 2007
Q. I have been married for two years this June but on our anniversary, we will have been together for six years. For the first three years, both of us couldn't keep our hands off each other and we had a phenomenal sex life. Then we got engaged and it was like a switch for me. All of a sudden I didn't want to have sex anymore. I love my husband dearly and can't imagine myself with anyone else plus every other aspect of our lives is pretty much perfect. Except our sex life. This hang-up I seem to have about sex is hurting us. I don't want to end our marriage but I still don't know what to do. Is something wrong with me, that sex just doesn't seem to interest me anymore? To top it all off, I have rarely had an orgasm. And I don't know if that is just because I am inexperienced, especially since my husband was my first. My hang-up about not wanting sex and not having orgasms is really putting a dent in my husband's ego as well, but I don't know how to fix this.
A.
I wonder why you were interested in the beginning, but have lost interest? That is the key question. Once you get your answer, you'll be able to decide how to proceed. If it's a marital issue, for example, you don't like making love with your husband; that needs to be addressed in an honest and caring way. If, however, it's a personal issue, I suggest you seek professional help as this matter can only get worse if left unattended. It's perfectly normal for sexual interest to wane after the first few years but your case seems more extreme. Please don't think there's something wrong with you. Human beings are complex and we must be patient with our varying ups and downs. There could be any number of reasons for your loss of libido, even poor health, lack of sleep, anxiety, stress. So, put aside the guilt feelings and stand firm with your husband until things get better.
Drove Him Away
August 30, 2007
Q. I am 27 and I have been in a relationship with a great guy (24) for 2.5 years but a month ago he ended it, stating he was not happy anymore and that it had lost its spark. He said he still loved me but it had gotten to the point that he no longer wanted to try. I know that this has upset him and it has obviously upset me too. We have been through a lot during the past 12 months alone, with my Mum's separation and him having a serious rugby accident which resulted in him coming very close to losing his leg. He has coped well with the accident and apart from the scar, you would not even know. We grew even closer with the accident but I did not cope very well during the past 12 months and basically have taken a lot of stress out on him. Over the past 2 years, I felt like I was slowly losing my mind and becoming someone I was not. I went from being a fun, social, reasonably carefree person to nasty, irrational and anxious. I have also suffered really bad mood swings, going from being happy to demanding and crying within minutes for no reason at all. It all started gradually after about 10 months and has continued to get worse. I have only just come to realize that there is a good chance a lot of this has come from an hormonal imbalance due to the 'Implanon Implant' I had inserted a few weeks after I started dating my boyfriend. I had it removed last week, four weeks after breaking up. I feel like such a fool for not realizing that it could well have been the implant. We are still friends and I told him that I had found out the implant has had the same effect on a lot of woman and that I was having it removed. I know I cannot change the way he feels, but I know that he still loves me and I am unable to lose hope we may get back together. I am really working on me but I am heartbroken. My friends tell me to show him the real me again and he will find the spark we had if it's meant to be. But I struggle when I see him because he is at arm's length. What should I do?
A. I think your friends are giving you good advice. The stresses you've both been under have clearly taken their toll on you, even putting aside the implant. That's what a loving relationship is all about - standing together through the difficult times. It seems you have both done that but maybe because of the change in your personality, your guy feels he can no longer commit to you. It would be easy to judge him as wimping out but I'm sure the break-up has been equally hard on him. You're right in saying you cannot change his feelings but if you act naturally and just go back to being your old self again, the spark might return. It's good that you're working on yourself in the meantime. Keep hope alive and trust the future but don't stop your life and your happiness while you wait.
Romance Gone
August 23, 2007
Q. I have been with an incredible guy for the last 4 years. He is smart, funny, and so sweet. He's the perfect guy in every way, except for the last few months of our relationship. He used to romance me - candles, roses, the works - there was no end to his surprises. Lately it seems as though all the romance has flown out of the window. We still have sex, but it's not making love. He likes the wild, down-and-dirty sex, which is okay too – sometimes - but I miss the romance! I have tried the quiet candle-light dinners for two, and the soft music, and the candle-lit bubble baths, etc. but I can't seem to reach the romantic side of him anymore. I have mentioned it to him, but he thinks I'm being silly. Sometimes while we're having sex, I'll tell him to slow down, or just hold me close or whatever, but he continues on his own way. It's really bothering me and I want the romance back in our relationship. Everyone I talk to about this thinks I'm silly, because after a 4 year relationship, people tend to stop having sex. We still have sex 2 to 3 times a week, but it's not like it used to be. HELP!
A. I don't want to sound cynical but I'm wondering if your husband only laid on the romance to woo you and now that you're securely married, he's reverted to what he likes in bed. You need to get tough, I'm afraid, as you're really being abused in this relationship. No one should have to put up with anything sexual that doesn't feel right to them. It's not just about how much sex you're having and of course you're not being "silly." You have every right to complain. Of course, marriage can't be romantic all the time but what you're describing in the current situation is not going to last a lifetime. For longevity, you need to have both tenderness and physical connection so suggest a compromise - sexy sex once a week and a romantic session on another night. Don't let him brush off your objections. You're unhappy and that will affect your marriage, if not now then down the track. It's up to you to make a positive change seeing as your guy likes things the way they are. Marriage belongs to two people!
Scared Of Being Alone
August 16, 2007
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and we're like best friends. We started as best friends and just have the best relationship that I could ever ask for. Things were fine in the beginning because we didn't have anything major to think about apart each other, so we barely fought. Now that we're in a relationship, I feel like I keep screwing things up. When I met him, I was with someone else but my happiness with him was slowly going away because he wasn't showing me the affection that I wanted and my current boyfriend was. So, eventually, we started getting closer and decided to try to date. Frequently, I would miss my ex-boyfriend whenever we would have problems and, at one time, I even cheated on him and he found out. Now, the thought that I did this is haunting me endlessly and even though my boyfriend tells me that he forgives me, I can't help but think that he doesn't really love me the same way as he used to. I want things to be the same between us again, but it's just that when I think of the pain and confusion that I've caused between us, it makes me feel so bad inside and makes me think, why is he still with me? I get scared silly that he's going to leave me and, if he does, I'm not going to find another guy like him. I'm scared to be alone and I'm insecure that he's going to cheat, even though he's never done it to me before. Just recently, we had a big fight and he kept suggesting that time apart from each other was the best thing, but I think he's just giving me that to see other people and I don't want to do it. I tried to go one day without talking to him and I can't because I'm afraid that I'm going to lose him for good. Please help me- I'm going crazy over this. I need to know what is best for this relationship to go on and how can I trust him that he's not going to hurt me like everyone else has?
A. Your insecurities are causing the problem, nothing else. We all make mistakes and as long as there's love and forgiveness, relationships can continue and be even stronger. But instead, you're letting your concerns and fears escalate to a point where your boyfriend is talking about a time-out. Your last sentence sums up the whole problem - you've been hurt in the past and still expecting it to keep happening. Friendship is less complicated than relationships so you have to accept things as they are now or go back to being friends. There's no point being haunted by the past. You need to work through it so that it's truly over, release it then you can live freely in the present. Right now, you're very confused and upsetting yourself over a whole bunch of things. Try to detach yourself from the emotion then focus your energy on making your relationship better. This guy seems to sincerely love you - so let him!
Long Distance Love
August 9, 2007
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years now. We have our ups and downs (the worst episode was when he cheated on me when he was "very drunk", but since then I've come to completely forgive him) but overall I think we go really well together - we have fun together, we help each other out when the other one's down or blue, we share a lot of affection and intimacy. Here's the problem: he's from another state and at the end of this year, he's planning to move back. I'd be more than happy to wait for him and have a long distance relationship until we can be together again (I'm even contemplated moving interstate to study and be with him in a year's time). From our discussions on the matter though, he's pretty certain that he doesn't think that this would work. This is despite him telling me that he loves me, he's never felt this way before about anyone and that he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me. He's just not sure if he's ready for long term commitment right now, and it seems that to become sure, he needs to "try" seeing other people. He's had other girlfriends before and we're both quite young (he's 20 and I'm 21) so I can understand his hesitancy about committing long term at this stage and at no point have I ever mentioned the prospects of marriage to him (except in a jesting manner). It's just that we're going so well, I feel it would be a terrible shame to let the distance come between us. I've been really sad since he told me his plans - crying every day. He's my best friend and we share everything. I don't know how I'll cope without him. I know I can survive the year apart so long as we keep in touch regularly by phone or even email but this is not what he wants. He doesn't want to break up just yet, he's even cried whenever I suggested that possibility. I'm really confused, I must sound really naive but how can he love me but leave me like this?
A. I think this guy is trying to be fair to you and not tie you down whilst the two of you will be far apart. Long-distance relationships are notoriously tricky and it may just be too painful for him to contemplate. If, in addition to that, he's also unsure about a future commitment, I honestly don't see it working out. He may truly love you but feel unable to offer you more at this stage. Why not suggest a compromise? Ask him if you can still be warm and close friends with no pressure or expectations. This would mean that you're both free to date others. Due to your ages, this could turn out the best arrangement all round. Your love will get the test it needs and if it fails, you'll both have explored other possibilities. You're hurting now but if you tweak your attitude just slightly and trust the future, you will feel a lot better.
Falling Out Of Love
August 2, 2007
Q. My husband has just told me he loves me but is not in love with me any more after almost 8 years of marriage and 2 wonderful kids. I have for the past few years been a bit of a prude and have to some extent been pushing him away with a lack of intimacy although not really meaning to. How can I make my husband fall back in love me and keep this marriage working? I love him to death and want to grow very old with him.
A. The fact that you love him is a very good place to start. All marriage partners go through periods during which one or both fall out of love. I think the secret of a healthy relationship is to be able to flow through these times and find your way back to each other. If you have been pulling away of late, your husband probably feels rejected and he has withdrawn emotionally to protect himself. We're all fragile creatures, you know. You both need a fresh start and I suggest you focus only on your part. Give your guy a bit more attention and let natural intimacy lead to more sex. That way, you'll get closer again and if your marriage is based on true feelings, love will come back.
Infidelity Blues
July 26, 2007
Q. I have a problem with my ex. I've been with him for 1.5 years and suddenly I found out that he cheated on me with several women. I was so shocked. And, I knew who he cheated with. He was apologetic for what he did. Then I called those women, very angry, though I know I was not supposed to be angry with them but I was so in love with him then I forgave him. Again he went to another country to have a job interview and he had an affair with them! I was devastated since I forgave him. Now, he got the job and decided to move to that country but it's very hard for me to get over it and I still have feelings towards him and I know that's not right at all, because I know he does not deserve me with what he did to me. I just want to get advice how to get it over with and get on with situations since we work together and I meet him everyday but he will go soon to the other country and I think I will feel sad again.
A. Of course you'll feel sad. It's natural to hurt after a break-up, regardless of the circumstances. It's worse when you've been betrayed as in your case. Don't be so hard on yourself. You had deep feelings for the guy and just wanted to keep trying. Okay, it didn't work but it wasn't your fault. You can't help your feelings. The guy obviously wasn't seriously committed, or, he has a problem with fidelity. Either way, you're better off without him as he would only keep hurting you. Just hang on till he leaves then you can make a fresh start. It'll be much easier when you're not seeing him every day. Give yourself time but please - go out and meet new people! There's a guy out there who will appreciate your loyalty and love. Let yourself find him.
Do I Really Want To Be With Her?
July 19, 2007
Q. I've been in a very close relationship with my girlfriend for a little over 2 years now. Things have been going great overall, but for the last few months, it has just seemed like I've lost a little interest in her. She is the nicest, most down-to-earth person and she is absolutely crazy about me, but I just seem to keep finding myself questioning if she really is the type of person that I want to be with. She has some habits that really annoy me sometimes, and there are some things that I don't like about her physically, but she is my best friend. At the beginning of the relationship, I was absolutely crazy about her, but that feeling isn't the same anymore. I still care about her a lot and care for her feelings, but it isn't the same as before. She is very predictable and some of the excitement that I used to feel isn't there either. I know her family very well and they know me, and my girlfriend and I have been so close that it is hard to think of breaking it off. I don't want to say "let's just be friends" because it's a cliché and it would just devastate her (and furthermore I'm not even sure if that is what I want). I feel like I don't want to keep dragging her along and wasting her time only to realize a few years in the future that this isn't what I want (because that would be even worse for her), but at the same time, I don't want to just throw something like this away like it is nothing, because it isn't. We go to the same college (we dated in high school and now go to the same college) so I see and/or talk to her everyday, but lately I've pushed her away just a tad, and have given myself a little more space. I'm a pretty rational person and I don't make decisions on every whim that I have. Any advice or suggestions?
A. Taking some time-out right now is the best idea as it'll give you the necessary space to decide whether you really want this girl or not. It may not be the girl you're unsure of but perhaps being in a relationship. You're in college and it's natural to want freedom and variety. There's no need to feel guilty or stress over it too much. It's not about a whim. You're trying hard to be fair and as you say, rational, but you're dealing with human emotions which are neither. Of course there's always the possibility that your love for her is really friendship and in that case, you're quite right that it would be cruel to string her along. The key thing for the moment is not to jump either way until you're sure, then when you are, do what's right with courage.
Don't Want To Lose Him
July 13, 2007
Q. I've been in a relationship for 4 years and I love my boyfriend very much. We recently got into a bad fight and I told him that I had been a bad girlfriend this whole time. I never cheated but I talk to guys a lot and I'm a big flirt. I also was thinking a lot about other guys. He was really angry and questioned whether I loved him or not. I do and I told him. We are still together and I'm happy we are, but it's just that I feel so bad every time I look at him. I was so fake to him. I keep having nightmares and can't get over what I did. I want to tell him all these details of what I did that was wrong but he doesn't want to know and he gets mad, of course. So my problem is that I keep thinking of the details and still feel guilty unless I tell him. I hurt him enough and I don't want to anymore but how can I just feel better and not keep telling him details? I have a wonderful boyfriend and don't want to lose him so please help me.
A. If you really want to work on this relationship, you need to drop the whole subject and concentrate on the present. You haven't really done anything bad so you need to also drop the guilt. It's just making things worse. We all say things we shouldn't when we're angry and you probably regret saying anything. Without the details, your boyfriend is left thinking you did more than you did but you can't force them onto him. I feel that you need to unload more than he needs to hear the details. If you could try to stop thinking about all this, it will die down far faster. Doubts are very natural even in the most committed relationships and you were only being honest. Just be happy, be loving, and be trusting. The rest will work out naturally.
Sick Of Him
July 6, 2007
Q. I have been married 20 years and with my husband for 22 years. Lately I feel I need to get out of my marriage as I feel we have grown apart. I feel I have moved and grown throughout my life and work and he has stayed the same. He just comes home every day, drinks but hides it from me. When I question him, he states he has not had any alcohol at all. My kids tell me he drinks before I get home and then he hides the bottles so I don't find them. When I confront him, he just denies it. I have a high pressure job so I like to come home and relax but can't as once I get home, I am always running around after him and my two children. I have a close working relationship with a male colleague who I have worked with for over ten years and have formed a close bond with and find it easy to talk to him about everything but my husband does not like him and thinks we have been having an affair. We have not as he is married, but I feel hurt from my husband's nasty and spiteful remarks. I should have an affair then he would be happy! I just feel like I am trapped and drowning and need to get out. I can't see a solution.
A. After 20 years, it's reasonable to experience staleness in your marriage but if you were committed to your husband, you and he together could work on improving the relationship. Having an affair is only a temporary solution. You need to think long and hard about what you really want. Jumping from one bad situation to another is not the answer. That's why you feel as you do but you're never really stuck. What you need is to step out of the emotion and decide with a clear mind. In the meantime, ask for more support. If you're working, you have a right to rest when you get home and not be a slave to your family. You've just fallen into negative patterns and you need to change them. The sooner, the better!
Taking Him Back
June 22, 2007
Q. My fiancé of 6 years broke up with me in November of 2005. We lived together for 5 years. We broke up once before and he came back to me after 6 months. I still love him very, very much. Since we broke up, we have still had sex at least once a month. If I haven't contacted him for 2-3 days, he rings me to see how I am. When I hang up, I still always say I love you, and he still says it too. I just want to know what is going on in his head. I would take him back in a heartbeat.
A. It seems to me that your situation is more about working on your relationship than about coping with a break-up. What reason did your fiancé give for ending the relationship? You need to be clear why you broke up in the first place. Then you can decide if there's any real hope for a future together. Don't hand over all the decision-making and power to your guy. It's up to both of you to decide what you want. It doesn't sound as if you've really let go, but caring about each other and having occasional sex is not the same as being in a committed relationship. My advice is to work on your issues or let go altogether. Neither of these choices is as easy as what you're doing now but I don't think drifting along as you are is healthy for either of you. If you want to know what's in his head, ask. Have an honest talk and make some positive changes.
What Is It About Men And Porn?
June 8, 2007
Q. What is it with men and porn? My long term partner visits online porn sites every day, but attempts to conceal this and isn't prepared to talk about it. I know that he is downloading photos of young naked women, and storing them on a thumb drive. He has told me that he doesn't find female genitalia particularly interesting, and thinks most people look better with clothes on or scantily clad, but the photos he downloads are of completely naked, very young women (much younger than I am). I get very upset by this knowledge, and it is having a terrible effect on my self-esteem (I don't look anything like the thin young things in the photo) and don't want him to see me naked. It is also affecting the way I think about him - I find it all disturbing and distasteful - and I'm not that keen on sex at the moment. I don't think he realizes how much I know about what he does, but I can't talk to him about it - or about anything emotional, he hates it.
A. My theory is that men need more sexual contact than the average woman and so they access porn and/or masturbate to get what they need over and above their sex lives with their partners. You probably won't believe me when I say it has little to do with you but it really doesn't. I agree with your partner that full nudity is less sexy than partial, but maybe he's just saying that to cover his embarrassment. That's also why he lies about it. If you want him to stop hiding, you'll need to make him feel that it's okay for him to see porn online, and that would seem to be difficult for you. Women often find porn distasteful but perhaps you could try not to show it too much. After all, wouldn't you rather he not sneak around? The self-esteem issue, I'm afraid, is yours, not his. If you feel beautiful, why should you care who he's looking at, and if you don't, you need to do something about it yourself. Rather than talk about his behavior, just tell him how you feel about the photos. Whether he likes it or not, you have a right to express your feelings. Don't let this issue take over your whole marriage.
Soul-Mates Or Work-Mates?
June 1, 2007
Q. I have been working for a company for the past 2 years now and have many friends that work in the same company in different states. About 5 months ago, I started talking to one of my male co workers on a regular basis about life, friends, our kids, work. At this time, he had a girlfriend who worked for the company and I had a boyfriend. It was all harmless and we were the best of friends helping each other through everything, laughing and setting goals together. During this tie period as well there were numerous times where my friend would argue fiercely with his girlfriend who is 13 years older than him, by the way. And they would break up for a while and then get back together. All the while I was being a great friend and listening and giving advice and being there for him when needed. As time went by and the closer we got, we started realizing that we were starting to feel strong feelings for each other as we were so compatible in every way.
We are the same age, have small children, both divorced. We are basically soul-mates and have realized that we have finally found our equal. We both broke-up with our partners and started dating and being together. We have this true bond that is way beyond words and we thank each other every day for loving one another. Our kids have met and get along great and my kids adore him as well as his kids adore me.
Since his ex-girlfriend works in the same company, he tries to stay cordial with her for the sake of a business relationship. For the past week and a half, she has been calling and texting him wanting to know how he is, how the kids are and talk about what they had. We have expressed so many feelings for each other with one of them being that he never had that emotional bond with her as he does with me. While she is working for the same company, we tried to keep things low-key so that everyone would not be in our business. So she has no clue that we are dating.
After a few days of this all happening, I broke down and told him that he needs to tell her he is seeing someone and that I wouldn't even care if he told her it was me just so that we can start moving on with our lives and be happy. He finally told her the other day that he is seeing someone and that it is over. Yet, they continue to talk about how they wish it could have worked but they know that they can't. We have an open communication relationship and he tells me every conversation that they have so that I know that he is not playing games. I want to hear all about his feelings, but at the same time, it hurts to hear it.
He does tell me that he loves me and completely adores me and he sees a future with me but in the same breath when she calls, he feels bad and tells me that it is harder than he thought and he wishes he didn't have such strong feelings for her. But he knows that they can never rekindle a relationship due to the fact that the bond was never there and he cheated on her and she belittled him many times and the line of communication was never there.
So, my most important and urgent question is, should I step back and let him decide what he wants? When I ask him what he wants, he tells me over and over again that he wants me and there is no way that he is going back to her. I tell him every day that I trust him and will always be by his side, but I don't know what to do from here. I want to be there for him and spend the rest of my life with him, but at the same time it hurts me so much to hear or know that he still has potential feelings for her.
A. I don't think he has "potential" feelings for her but rather residual ones; in other words, leftover feelings from what they had. Just because a relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't mean feelings end. I think you just need to be a lot more patient and give him his space to extricate himself completely. Trust what you already know to be true. You sound as if you still need convincing that he wants to stay with you. You keep saying how suited you are, but love doesn't just come from compatibility. Feelings aren't always rational. Now that he's told her he has someone else, I really think they should cut down their contact. This will help everyone. Your situation is complicated by all working together but your relationship is your own business and needs room to grow separately. For right now, ease off on the questions and pressure but don't put up with indefinite procrastination from this guy.
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from Jan - Jun 2007.)
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