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 Ask Aphrodite - 2008
Bring your love life back to life! Counsellor Charmaine Saunders is available to help with advice on relationship matters and issues affecting your love life. You can email Charmaine and each week she'll answer reader's questions on this page. Please note that Charmaine can't respond to all emails personally and she cannot advise on medical matters.
(This an archived page. Click here to view the current Ask Aphrodite page.)
Menopause in a same-sex relationship
December 16, 2008
Q. I have been in a relationship for seven years with a woman who is seventeen years older than I. I love her very much, but lately have been feeling that my needs sexually and intimately (massages and affection) have not been getting met. She is in menopause, and recently lost her mother. I realize that these are huge things, and will affect any relationship. However, as a 34 year old woman, I can't help but wonder if I'm missing out on something in the dating world. I feel like I have not really fully explored my sexuality. I am sad and confused right now because I do not want to hurt my partner. We are in a monogamous relationship, and I am afraid of losing her, yet I'm acting passive-aggressively lately due to my unhappiness. I do not like behaving this way and am in a rut. Any suggestions?
A. There are really two separate issues here. Age difference in itself is not a problem, but of course, there will be situations like menopause and bereavement that place additional strain on a relationship. When everything else is right, you would be able to ride out the stress and continue even stronger than before. However, there's more to it in your case because you're having doubts that are unrelated to the specific difficulties your partner is going through. You need to tease out the various strands of your life, un-confuse them so that you can make some clear decisions. You can't expect to be happy whilst you're feeling such a mixture of emotions like guilt, anxiety, fear, regret, desire, etc. If you feel you are truly missing out then find the courage to own-up and let go of the security you now have. It's not fair to either of you to continue with such a lot of dissatisfaction.
Kids and money
December 2, 2008
Q. My husband and I have been together for about 8 years (married for almost 5 years) now. I have two daughters (17 and 13). We've had some ups and downs over the years, first starting with my insecurities. I ended up going to counseling and it worked. We've had ongoing debt issues from the start, but we have continued to accumulate even more debt as time went on. We have plenty of arguments about money spent on the kids. They are both competitive gymnasts and are both really good. He has gotten mad at some of the expenses spent for their gymnastics meets (and travel). And any time they ever wanted anything else (like going on school trips, etc.), he's pretty much been against, but said ok to it just to make me happy. We had a huge argument about a week ago about my oldest daughter's upcoming college expenses. The argument was not a good one. We got loud and there was even some hurtful stuff said (by me). I regret that now, but there's nothing I can do. A few days later, he said that he wants a divorce. I've tried numerous times to suggest counseling, but he refuses to go. He says that we are just going in circles here and that it will never change. I love him with all my heart and really do not want a divorce.
Is there anything I can do to convince him to at least try the counseling? He's currently living in the basement and then he has plans to move out. I am so crushed. I never wanted to get a divorce. He's very emotionless right now. He talks only in terms of business with paying bills, etc. Other than that, we don't even talk. It doesn't even seem like this is bothering him at all. I don't understand how he can feel no hurt from this. I mean, he was just saying that he loves me that day before we argued. So how can he all of a sudden not love me enough anymore to even try to work this out? I need to know if there is ANYTHING I can do to convince him to try counseling. I have asked him numerous times and have tried to remind him of all the fun things we've done over the years, but it hasn't mattered. I even suggested that I go to counseling on my own if he's willing to stick things out for a while to see.
A. Don't be so sure that he's not hurting. People always assume that the one who breaks up a relationship is doing okay and only the `dumped' one is suffering. This is not actually true. He's probably just not showing it. I'm glad counseling worked for you before but obviously, in his mind, things have not improved enough to stay in the marriage. I'm sure he still loves you but you need to get to the bottom of why he's given up. Maybe you could suggest going to counseling for some clarity rather than to reconcile. At least, that way, you'll gain some understanding. Often when we remove the pressure, the situation gets easier. Love itself is not enough to sustain a marriage. It sounds as if you two could benefit from learning why you argue so much but you can't force him if he's unwilling. Counseling for yourself is an excellent idea. If nothing else, it'll help you put some closure on
all this and move on.
Bisexual blues
November 18, 2008
Q. I am a girl and I have a girlfriend. I have been with her for almost 10 months now and things are great. Previous to our relationship we both have been with males. My girlfriend had many sexual partners and sex was a pleasure to her. Now that she is with me, that has all changed. When we make love she only pleases me and she does not allow me to do anything to her. She only likes sex and sex only. I feel bad because when we make love, she does not get anything out of it and I do. What do we do? She wants to have sex with males but that is going against our relationship? We need help!
A. I think perhaps this girl is with you for all the wrong reasons. Either she's essentially bisexual and doesn't yet understand this or she's not really interested in sex with women at all. To want to only give in bed implies a person who needs to be constantly in control. I'm curious as to why you have both changed from males to females. Were you always interested in women as sex partners? You only have this girl's word that she enjoyed sex with men. Maybe she has a general problem in bed. That's one possibility. As to her wanting to sleep with guys again, why is she with you then? There are just too many unanswered questions. You can't answer them for her. You need to sit down and have a very open, honest discussion about all these issues and then decide if you want to continue the relationship.
Hot tub hi-jinx
November 4, 2008
Q. I am a 48 year old female and I have been seeing a 48 year old male, I have known him for about a year and a half. He was going thru' a terrible divorce when I first met him. He was coming over to my house every Sunday and we would hang out and barbecue etc. We were not intimate. I was worried that he might get back with his wife and I didn’t want to go any farther. I think that he knew that I didn’t want any part of him at that time even though we never talked about "us". It just fizzled out and he went his way and I went mine. He would bring me flowers and he brought me a little teddy bear, I think he really cared for me.
Then a few months later in Oct 2007 or so I called him and would leave him voice messages saying hi. He made mention to a friend that I was calling him too much. I ran into him about the same time and he said that he was really messed up over his divorce and didn’t want to hurt anybody and that when he and I met it was just bad timing. I then ran into him about 1 month ago. He came up to me and was very friendly He hadn’t been that friendly since the first time I met him. He was going out of his way to pay a lot of attention to me, asked me over to his house and we played ping-pong. The next weekend I ran into him and again came up to me and was very friendly. We went back to his place and took a hot tub. One thing led to another. I really, really like him a lot. We had so much fun, we laughed so much; he told me how much fun he had. The next morning I had to go because it was mother's day. He told me to stay and he wanted to fix me breakfast but I had to go. I was driving home and I got a text message from him and he said good morning and happy mother's day.
I texted him back. He said he had a great time. I don’t know what he wants. I’m afraid to tell him my feelings because he might still be gun shy. Oh one more thing - we talked a lot when I first met him about his wife leaving him. Every night for about 2 months. He would talk to me about his separation and I would listen so he really trusts me. He doesn’t call me. He texted me after that second time we were together and back and forth for the day but that was it. I know that I will run into him. I just don’t know how to act and I want to know how he feels about me because I am really starting to get strong feeling for him and I don’t want to get hurt. What should I do?
A. The only way you can get hurt is if you build up unrealistic expectations. Everything was clear before but then you changed your mind and basically, he didn't! He still doesn't have anything to offer despite your intimate encounter. When you run into him, act naturally, be friendly but let him come to you. If you want to ask him serious questions about his feelings, don't try to do that on a casual meeting. Ask him to meet you and without being heavy, tell him you're confused and would like some clarity. For me, it's all very clear but I'm not emotionally involved. People do need to regroup after a break-up and he's actually smart to ask for the space. Give him that for now and he may yet come back if he has genuine feelings for you. Trust that!
Lost Love
October 9, 2008
Q. My husband is a writer and recently I found some songs, poem and short stories that were about lost love and the regret of letting an old love go. One said "all I can hope for now is to be your friend," another actually said "I can't believe I'm letting you get in my head, falling in love with you all over again."
I was upset so I asked him about them. He said "oh, you know I write all kinds of rubbish, it just depends on my mood or whatever is going on that day." This happened right before we went out to dinner with friends where we were discussing how we met (through his ex). I said she just didn't like me because she wanted to get back with you. His reply (supposedly joking) was, "oh, I wish I had known that we would be having a completely different conversation right now."
A couple weeks after that, I found out he had e-mailed her for three months and they had been corresponding several times a week. They also went out on lunch dates (only once, he says, but I'm not so sure). He says he initiated the e-mails because he wanted to see if she was happy and how her life turned out. This woman lives in our city. We have seen her periodically over the years; my husband knew she was married with two children. I'm not quite sure what more he would need to know.
Anyway I became quite upset. We have been having problems for a while and had an argument recently where he basically told me he wasn't sure he wanted to stay married after our daughter left for college. So when I confronted him with it, all he said was that I was taking everything out of context, that none of it had anything to do with each other. I know for a fact he lied to me several times trying to keeping me from finding out, small lies but still lies. Supposedly all they ever talked about was their families. He says the only reason he didn't tell me was he knew how much I disliked this woman and that he knew I would be angry. He says he told her that he can't speak with her anymore because it isn't worth ruining his marriage over. We have seen her couple of time since and they act as if they don't even know each other. He says he wants to work things out, even going to counseling with me (something he refused to do before). He has been the perfect husband since. He says he will do anything to make this work and that he loves me and doesn't want to divorce. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm over blowing the whole thing. I just don't feel as if I can trust him. Something in me tells me he is still talking to her, but I have no evidence. The few friends I have talked to about this are mixed - some say it is nothing, others say jump ship. Our counselor doesn't think it's worth talking about because my husband has said he isn't speaking to her anymore.
A. I'm very surprised that a counselor would say you don't need to talk about this issue. Even if he really has stopped emailing her, what about the lies and deception? Also, why did he start in the first place? I agree with you that his story sounds pretty hollow. Your husband seems like a romantic and the Internet encourages flights of fancy. I don't think he seriously wants this other woman or to give up your marriage. Nevertheless, you need to be very clear about the current situation and what you expect in the future. I always say that people are entitled to have personal friends even if they're married. But secret lunch dates and constant communication is not really just friendship, is it? I certainly wouldn't give up yet. Give him a second chance but keep your eyes and ears open till he's proven that he's serious about changing.
What Went Wrong?
September 25, 2008
Q. I have been with this guy for almost a year and things were going great, we argued occasionally but over stupid, petty things. Then the other day he said for the past 2/3 weeks, he felt he'd been trying to "fix" us… I had no idea anything was different. All his texts and phone conversations were the same. I admit I'm not perfect. We were both really stressed out by separate things in our lives and he had money issues as well. I seemed to be helping him and was there for him more than he was for me. However, anything I said or that went wrong for him was my fault. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. Now, he is saying that he thinks it's best we split up for now and that he needs time and space. He says he needs to find himself and that he'll miss me. He said he wanted me but didn't know what he wanted and was confused but didn't want to lose me. And that he wanted me to promise I would still be there in his life as his best friend. He said he needs me in his life as his friend but that he wants time and space to be in his little box room and do his 'geeky' stuff which I have never said is geeky. I love him for it. He said I was controlling him and that I didn't let him do stuff but I have never done that; I was in my room doing some research and he was there too. I kept asking did he not have work and things to be doing too but he said he couldn't be bothered and that he would do it another day. However, this then turned out to be my fault as I had kept in my room and not let him do whatever. Anything he asked me to help with or support him for I have done so. And I did so willingly because I love him so much and I wanted him to be less stressed by taking on some of it myself. What do I do? I'm willing to do anything to get him back, time and space would be probably be good for both of us. I haven't spoken to him since he said all this and it is so hard. I want so badly to speak to him, to hear his voice. All I want is for him one day to turn around and think 'I do need her, I do love her, I think we could try and work through our problems'. But at the moment it's a waiting game and it's so hard. I love him with all my heart and am crushed by this even though he has said just for now. He promised to think about us. What do I do?
A. When relationships go wrong, people will sometimes say things that are totally incorrect and very unfair. It sounds like you tried your best with this guy but because he's decided he wants his freedom, he is trying to find any reason to justify his choice. It would be so much better if people could just be honest about their feelings from the start. Perhaps you tried too hard but whatever the cause, this guy has the right to break up if he wishes. It's very painful for you and of course, it will take time to adjust to the new arrangement. Try not to dwell on the criticisms he placed on you. It's up to you if you want to stay friends. He can't just have his cake and eat it too. There are consequences to every decision we each make. There's nothing you can do right now except give him the space he's asked for. The more you try to cling on, the more he will probably push away. It might just be a temporary separation. Either way, if you stay positive, the outcome is more likely to be good.
Cheating Games
September 11, 2008
Q. I am 24 years old and my boyfriend is the same age. We've been together for just over 11 months now, but since the beginning we have had a big issue. After about a month of us being together, I went out with a couple of my friends and got a little drunk and I "cheated" on him. Technically, I like to believe that I didn't because it was I who was taken advantage of due to my drunken state. It lasted literally 5 seconds of my life before I realized what was happening and I left. I got home that night and explained to my boyfriend what happened right away. He really liked me and he told me that he still wanted to be with me. I understood that it would cross his mind sometimes and I was willing to still try to be with him. Just a few days ago, we got into an argument, and he told me he had cheated on me a few months back. He had hidden it from me for about three or four months when I had told him the same night what had happened. He told me that by that by not telling me, he thought it would help him forget what I did to him earlier. At the time, I told him that we both made a mistake, and that now everything will be neutralized and we can both start fresh with each other, and show each other who we truly are, instead of me constantly trying to prove to him that it was a mistake and that by doing that, I am not a different person. Now, I am reconsidering what I said about us starting fresh again. He always made me feel guilty for what I did in the past and I still never gave up. But now that I am finding this same thing out from him! Should I stay and be with someone who didn't tell me the truth and kept it from me for months? He told me that he had gone out drinking as well, and the girl had taken advantage of HIM, but he left before it really happened, although it partially did. Should I believe him? Or could he possibly be lying to me and saying only what I told him, thinking that I only said it as a lie? I don't know whether I should stay and "start" fresh, or if I should think that nothing good can form from this relationship anymore and I should just leave? I don't know if I can trust him anymore. Not the fact that he might do something like that again, but that he won't tell me things that I should know.
A. You both made mistakes. That's not the issue. It's much more about trust and the poor communication within your relationship. If you both want to start fresh, then start fresh. Don't hold onto your baggage. I think your guy was guiltier of not forgiving than you. Some people really believe that they have to get even, that the infidelity has to balance out but that seems very immature to me. Two wrongs don't make a right as the old saying goes. After forgiveness, there has to letting go and rebuilding trust. If you're both willing to do this, then by all means, go for it. But whether it's this guy or another in the future, always accept responsibility for your own actions rather than making excuses, especially regarding alcohol, which is really no excuse at all.
Pookie Problem
August 7, 2008
Q. There's this guy I know that has always been around me, hugging on me, kissing on me, and even calling me pet names like, "Pookie". He tells me all the time that I am his pookie. I have been around this guy for 7 years. I didn't like him at first. I was scared of him. He puts out a front that he's fake sometimes. Recently, I decided to befriend him. I somehow grew an interest in him too. We went out a few times, had a great time and he has invited me for dinner and to watch movies. Everytime he invites me somewhere he stands me up or doesn't live up to it. When he does call and tells me to come get him or something, I run to him just for the chance to see him. I recently wrote him a letter telling him my true feelings and that I wanted to try and date. When we first started hanging out (one on one) he told me to just be patient with him (suggesting that he would eventually come around, but he needs time). That's what I thought anyway.
Things have gotten so complicated lately and I don't know what to think.
Monday, I received a bunch of texts from him. One of them asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship with him and how I felt about him. Another said he missed me (we haven't seen each other or talked to each other in almost a month). He asked if I was still feeling hurt (I hurt my knee 2 weeks ago). He also texted that he doesn't want me to get hurt because he is not ready for anything too serious. He told me his cousin was playing with his phone and that he did not send those texts. I'm sure he talks to his cousins and family about me, but why would his cousin that is around his age tell me he misses me and asks me about my knee injury? I am thinking this guy is in denial or scared. I know he's been hurt in the past. He's also grown up on the streets and I don't think he knows how to love like most people. He's really a big part of my life. I'm very angry with him at the moment, but I don't know what to do to save this and I can't get a word in when I try to talk to him, so I have to text him all the time because he doesn't let me talk. He hates texting, but I just can't talk to him. It's like talking to a wall. He is a good person, just very mixed up. As for me, I'm really confused.
A. Your story is a classic example of people dismissing potential partners on first viewing. As you were friends to start, then you changed your mind, he might be a bit wary of giving himself to you completely. He's clearly fond of you but has an obvious problem with committing, perhaps in general or only to you. You're not helping by being so available every time he wants you. You've gone from one extreme to another. The business with the texts is bewildering and if he sent them then regretted it, it proves how confused he also is. I can understand why you're angry but the best thing is to back off right now and let him get his head together. You can't fix the relationship on your own, not should you. If he doesn't come to the party, it's not going anywhere. He has got problems and they're not yours. Stop texting and find a way to break through his wall or you'll never get close to him. Tell him straight how you feel after a short break then let go and trust.
In Too Deep?
July 24, 2008
Q. I am a 19 year old who has never been married. I am actually dating my first boyfriend, but that is by choice, because I never understood nor wanted to be a part of the high school drama scene. I wanted a mature relationship that transcended all of that, or else it would seem a waste of time to me. However, I now seem to have gotten myself far too deeply into something that I am not ready for.
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost three months now. He's 21, and we get along wonderfully. He too wants a mature relationship without all of the drama that neither of us seems to understand the need for and the jumping around between different people that really mean nothing to you. I am not his first girlfriend, but I am "the first girlfriend he really wanted" in a relatively short series of relationships that "never should have happened." But just a few days into our relationship, he told me he loved me, and kept saying it, though I never responded in kind. (It is important to note here that I'd known him for more than a few days . . . more like several months, before we started dating.)
After four weeks, I did finally tell him I loved him. I thought I meant this. However, since then, he's come to mention quite often plans for the future. Plans such as marriage after we both finish college (and we both do have to finish college first), children, names for those children, etc. I am not ready for this. I cannot definitively say that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, though he is completely enamored and ready to be with me forever. This is especially true since we are both in college, and he's going for his last year next school year. He wants to go to grad school, potentially far away from the school we both now attend, and after we both graduate, who knows where our careers will land us? College is a time when everything changes, and location is a big part of that. I know that long-distance relationships can work, but I can't know for sure that ours will until we try it. There are very big questions here that need answering before I could promise my life to him. I am also worried, because I have not known how to respond fully to these plans, and in saying nothing, I believe he has read my assent. I did want a mature and committed relationship, but I am not ready for the kind of commitment he wants. But at the same time, I am truly scared that I have led him on. This is not something that I can accept of myself, especially since I honestly do care for him very deeply. Now, I just don't know what to do: I don't want to say anything to hurt him, but I will just continue to lead him on if I don't say anything. I never thought I would write to an advice columnist, but I am out of ideas at this point. Please help me figure out how to fix this situation.
A. Young women are much more emotionally mature than males. You both had a wise idea about not dating around too casually till you met someone special but where you are still prepared to wait in regard to a commitment; your guy has fallen for you very deeply and wants to throw all caution to the wind. Love is fine at your age. You don't want to be too practical! Just tell him that you love him but do not want to think about marriage yet. Don't curb his enthusiasm but at the same time, don't give him false hope. There's no need to feel guilty; you're only being honest. With time, you may very well decide you want to make plans but just not right now. You're at an age when freedom is important, especially as you're still studying and may end up in different cities. As long as you continue to be clear and honest, things will work out as they're meant to.
Peter Pan Syndrome
July 10, 2008
Q. I have an issue. I was in a relationship for three years with someone who I fell in love with. I got really involved in his life with his friends and family. We clicked very well for the first year. The last two haven't been the best but they were fine and I still was very much in love with him. We're both turning 30 this summer. I started changing and decided I wanted something different in my life, so I decided to go back to school and I am working on becoming a teacher. The whole time we were together he really didn't have very much ambition or drive to do anything worthwhile, but I always figured that in time that would all change. He has a Peter Pan syndrome where he doesn't really want to grow up. We used to talk about marriage and kids and then in the last year those subjects would be brushed off. He likes to go out all the time and he would spend a lot of money going out with friends and drinking. He would get upset because I wouldn't be able to go out with him during the week. I have to go to bed at an early time because I have to be at work early where he kind of goes when he chooses. I know we started drifting apart but we always found our way back to each other. We did love each other, I truly believe that. But we would have arguments now and again and he always had a way of making them my fault. So in late March, he called me and told me that we should break up because he no longer felt the same way for me. He said that he still loved me and cared for me but did not have those desires for me any longer. He then told me that at the end of February, he had met someone else and they had started dating and he wanted to be with her. This devastated me. He was my first love. The first person I was in a long term relationship with that I gave my whole heart and soul. The past month I haven't been myself at all. I feel very slowly that there are days that I'm okay, but overall I still miss him and I still wish that we were together. The worst feeling is that he left me for someone else and now he has moved on and has a new girlfriend and I was left with all the emotions and crazy feelings. It's been a month now that we have officially not been together, but there are many days and times that I feel the same way I did those first few days. My friends have been a great support system, but they all are happy that we are no longer together and believe that he didn't deserve me. I can hear everything that they are saying and at times I believe them, but my heart still aches. I have tried to keep myself busy but no matter what, he is still there in the back of my head. I've been told to stop thinking about him, but may I say, that is easier said then done. I still love him and now he is moving out on his own and starting this new adventure and I'm not there to help him or be there with him while he is doing this. This also makes me sad. What makes me mad is that the fact that he could just move on without feeling anything (that I know of). He has told me once that he still misses me but he knows that we don't belong together. Long story short, it's been a month, now what do I do?
A. Firstly, about the relationship - I know you don't want to hear it but it's clear that you weren't suited. He also wasn't very considerate of your needs or feelings. If you were older and had had other relationships, you wouldn't put up with it but as you say, being your first love, you threw yourself right in anyway. So, I guess I'm agreeing with your friends and saying that you had a lucky escape. The unfortunate thing is that he ended the relationship in a very hurtful way which has left you suffering. I always say that people should break up before a third party is involved. Don't assume, however, that he feels nothing. He probably does care but he can't help it if he doesn't want to be with you in `that' way. That brings me to the second point raised in your letter - how you're feeling now. Of course you're sad, lonely, confused and so on. There's no cure except time. Every human being gets their heart broken at some time. Please believe that there'll be a better person for you in the future. Hold onto that and you'll get through this dark patch in your life.
Sex AWOL
June 26, 2008
Q. I have been married for 21 yrs. Before we got married and some years after we had wonderful, exciting sex. For the past 5 years it has dwindled to basically nothing. I am a man and my wife only wants to give oral sex to me once per week, she doesn't want to have intercourse and won't let me perform oral sex on her. She won't let me touch her when we are having sex, she pushes my hands away if I touch her and she will not kiss during sex. I usually get a peck on my way to work. The times when we have sex once a week is usually after she has had a couple of glasses of wine. I feel like she needs a drink to even have oral sex with me and that's it. I have tried to talk to her to see what is wrong and she insists nothing is wrong. This is very hard to continue like this.
A. Unfortunately a lot of women don't care for oral sex and you seem particularly keen on it which might be increasing your wife's reluctance to engage in it. It's never a good idea to focus on just one way of making love, especially if your partner is not equally interested. It's possible that she has simply lost some of her libido over the years which can happen for a number of reasons in any relationship but it sounds to me as if there's a lot of pressure on her to perform oral sex as such. I suggest you try to recapture the early excitement of your marriage by being loving, tender and romantic. That's what turns women on more than expectations and demands. You're not wrong to want what you like in bed but just remember there are two people involved and there are lots of ways to give and receive pleasure. Widen your scope.
Missing Him
June 12, 2008
Q. I was with my boyfriend for a year and we were in love. At the end of the relationship we fought all the time and it just wasn't working. It also had to do with the fact that when he was in Greece, I had a drunken encounter with someone else. However, it was only three months into the relationship. We were getting back together and then randomly one day he text messaged me and said that he didn't want to be in a relationship yet. When I never mentioned a relationship at all! He has girls that are good friends that I don't get along with. Will we ever get back together? I miss him terribly.
A. Unfortunately I don't have a crystal ball so can't tell you whether you will get back with this guy but even if I could see the future, it wouldn't be right to take away your decision-making process. It's important to make your own choices based on self-love and clear thinking. Your story is remarkably similar to many letters I get on the subject of love and relationships. Basically, it comes down to this -
everyone is vulnerable, insecure, with hang-ups and issues. We all make mistakes and do stupid things. You know you did wrong to go with another guy when you were seeing someone but as you say, that was early in the piece and you've been good since. What caused the fighting? If you can identify the problems, you'd have a better chance of doing better in the future whether with this guy or another. Try to learn from this whole episode. Do you want just to be friends for the time-being? If so, he might be willing. Stay off the subject of a relationship for now and make sure there's no pressure. You may then not have to miss him for long.
Why's He Isolating Me?
May 29, 2008
Q. My fiancé and I have been together for about a year now and we did have an incident in the beginning of our relationship where I was maybe too friendly to a distant male friend. We sorted that situation out but I do believe it left him feeling uneasy. I love him to death and would never do anything to make him feel uncomfortable or threatened. Recently an old male friend got in touch with me. He is married to a good friend of mine. He sent me a picture of his baby and can't wait to catch up with me and meet my family. My fiancé realized that he had sent me a message (a picture of his daughter) and got extremely upset. It's just my married friend and I wanted to get close to his wife and kid because we're planning a family of our own. I feel like he's isolating me. I love him and I tried talking to him but he would shut me off. Communication is very important to me. I understand what happened a long time ago but we're far from that now. I DON'T want to feel isolated and restricted in my relationship. I love him and I want to share everything with him. He is making me feel like I'm "not allowed" to keep in touch. What would be the best way to maintain healthy communication by expressing my concerns?
A. You really haven't done anything wrong and you don't want to be in a relationship where your actions, choices, ideas are being monitored and controlled by another person. You made a mistake early in your relationship; you owned it and that should be the end of it. If your fiancé can't trust you, that's his issue, not yours. What more can you do? You're entitled to have friends and keep in touch, even with other males, as long as you're not doing anything wrong. He's being very immature in refusing to communicate about the situation between the two of you. The best thing you can do is not try to talk to him. Let him be for the time being but put a deadline on it. After a reasonable time, if he still won't talk, put it to him straight-out that you will not continue in the relationship if he's not willing to sort things out. This guy has an issue with control which comes from insecurity and fear. If you marry him with all this unresolved between you, you are heading for a very unhappy future.
Why The Arguing?
May 15, 2008
Q. I have been dating this guy for almost two years now and I love him dearly. I am single with no children and he has two children. We are having problems. I don't know if the love is gone or what. We argue more than ever lately and things were getting better between the two of us. But in the past he was very emotionally draining because he was very inconsiderate and only seemed to look out for himself. I know a little about his previous relationships and the women used him for materialistic things. Now that we are together, I never ask him for anything. I treat him good, I try my best to make sure that he is happy and comfortable but it seems like he is still comparing me to those other women or he just doesn't like me anymore. I have encouraged him in everything that he does. I just try to be by his side and he doesn't seem to do the same for me. I really did see a change in his attitude but recently he checked my email and saw that me and my ex were keeping in touch and in no way do I want my ex back. My boyfriend saw this and just tried to make it seem like I had been cheating and in all actuality there was nothing meant by it. I apologized and I don't think he has let it go or he just chooses to be disrespectful as before and I am not having it. I love this man but I don't know if I can deal with the arguing any longer. Is it my fault because I wrote my ex? Or does he just not love me anymore?
A. Obviously I can't know what this man feels or doesn't feel but it certainly seems as if he's cooled on the relationship. It also sounds as if it has not been easy between the two of you right from the start. Relationships go through many ups and downs which is natural and if you say he improved his attitude, that was a positive sign. However, from what you've told me, I feel you've made most of the effort so far. In fact, if anything, you're tried too hard. That could indeed be the problem. As to the emails with your ex, you definitely didn't do anything wrong. You're entitled to have private correspondence with whomever you like as long as you're not deceiving anyone and you've stated clearly you're not interested in him as a boyfriend. I really think your guy is just using this as an excuse if he does want out. I admire your self-value in saying you will not put up with his old bad behavior. Be clear, be straight and be strong. It takes two to make a relationship so if he doesn't want to be a team player, tell him goodbye.
Lack Of Chemistry
May 8, 2008
Q. I need your help. Recently I got to know this guy from an online friends community and we clicked very well online. I had been heartbroken before but his sudden arrival into my life restored some of my faith in love once again, although I did not initiate any signs of interest as he is always the one who initiates our chat sessions, I had unconsciously fallen for him as he seemed very into me and showered me with all his care and attention even through phone calls. I went out with him for a date the second time he asked me out. The date went okay and although I felt that it was normal for us to not talk much because we went for a movie (which is obviously a conversation-killer) and because we both felt nervous around each other, he blames it on the lack of chemistry between the both of us and has since lost interest in me. He has also stated reasons that he has gotten a bad first impression of me when I arrived late and when I asked him whether we are going "dutch" as I felt it was only considerate for me to ask him since I do not expect guys to pay for me. However, we are still friends now and are still on talking terms but how do I convince him that chemistry itself needs some amount of work and that first impressions are not always reliable? Should I move on or try to win this guy back?
A. This is one of the many dangers of online dating - interacting with someone you haven't seen in person is very different to a face-to-face meeting. An internet connection is a meeting of the minds. When you see a person in the flesh, a lot of other factors come into play. I think the business about you being late and going dutch are just red herrings, excuses. The chemistry issue is real. At least he told you straight. Be grateful for that. It's no one's fault. You can't force attraction. Just because he doesn't feel "that" way about you is no criticism of you so stay friends by all means but keep searching for a guy who will be interested in you beyond the computer screen.
Interstate Romance Wrecked
May 1, 2008
Q. Me and my baby's father have been together for two years and we love each other so much and have complete trust in each other. We live in different states but we don't see that as a problem. During the end of June, I broke up with him because I was not sure what I wanted and two weeks later he met and had sex with another girl. They were messing around and hanging out everyday and I barely talked to him when we were broken up but my feelings came back hard and I wanted him back.
In the beginning of October, we got back together and a week after that, he cheated on me with her. As of now, he no longer stays in contact with her and does not answer her calls. The problem is before I moved out of state, our sex life and friendship was amazing and something I never experienced. We had sex 3 times every night all days of the week including quickies during the day. Our friendship was great, we laughed and joked all the time and when I moved, it was still good, we would sit on the phone for hours talking about the stupidest things and had no problem starting and holding conversations. After he stopped talking to the girl and we got back together, I felt like our convo wires were shut down. We still talk for hours but we don't talk about the stupid things like we used to and also I feel funny if I bring up something stupid to talk about because I feel like he doesn't want to talk about stuff like that anymore.
It is hard to hold a convo on one topic for hours like we used to. Now I constantly ask about the girl and about what they talked about and things they did while having sex and he gets mad because he tells me he does not want her or think about her and I need to get over it but it is so hard to and I really don't know how. I get more mad because I never wanted another girl to experience the side of him that only I as his girlfriend knew, his sexual sensitive side. I recently went to visit him with our son and all was great, he loved being with our son and me and even bought me a very expensive promise ring, but our sex was non-existent. We only had sex 8 times out of my 15 days being there and I had to start it off and I did all the work including the foreplay and got nothing in return. He used the excuse that he has been tired since he started his job but he started it a month before he began messing with the girl and he told me they had sex almost everyday about 3 times not including her giving oral and he would always start it off by kissing or touching her, so he can't use the excuse he is tired.
When I was there I felt like he only did it just to make me happy but he insisted that he wanted to. I gave him a lap dance in a sexy bra and panty set and teased him but I thought he didn't really pay attention and wasn't able to stay erect. Please help give me any advice you can. I don't know what to do. I love him so much and can't picture my life without him being my man. I want to forget about the other girl because I know he does not talk to her at all but I keep asking about her and keep thinking he was and still is more sexually and physically attracted to her than me because I was able before to make him erect by just kissing him and now I can't even do it with something he has always wanted me to do.
A. Are you really sure he's stopped seeing the other woman? If he has, then has it occurred to you that he's lost interest in sex, not because he's thinking of the other woman but that he is turned off by your jealousy? You might think that's hard but I wouldn't be helping you by sugar-coating the situation. The big lesson out of your dilemma is not to do things impulsively but stop and think before you act - always. Most human problems are caused by lack of forethought. If you had been more careful with your feelings in the first place, your guy wouldn't have had the opportunity to go with anyone else. Anyway, that's all water under the bridge now and you need to let go of the past, forgive AND forget. Of course it's hard but you're destroying the relationship as things are now. Stop focusing on sex and concentrate on rebuilding trust. Your guy has made it clear he wants to be be with you so work on the relationship and being happy together. In time, the rest will work out.
Good Loving Gone Bad
April 24, 2008
Q. I have been in a relationship for about 4 months, the first three we abstained from intercourse, however dallied in foreplay. This was satisfying at the time, although there were moments of frustration because we could not 'finish what we started'. We have been having intercourse for about a month now and I have to say that it is decent at best. I long for the days when we didn't have intercourse and spent a long time kissing, holding each other, heavy petting etc. I had a better time doing this and significantly more orgasms than I do now. Now I feel like our sex life is just a rush for him to orgasm and sleep, although he prides himself on getting his female partners to always orgasm first - this has not been the case thus far, but was before intercourse was involved. He asked me recently if I was unsatisfied and I told him I felt that he was inattentive and I frequently felt that he was insensitive and more concentrated on himself than our mutual enjoyment. My reaction has been a loss in libido, frustration towards him, and sometimes feeling overly critical - to the point where I don't even want be around him, and I am angry at him and when he tries to initiate sex, I deny him because the task is too disappointing for me. I am upset that my feelings are so superficial. I feel like this problem is compounding the fact that at times I help him financially, which also frustrates me, and in turn makes me feel like I have a kid and not a boyfriend. He pays me back when he can but is broke most of the time, to the point where he can only eat when he is at my house thus he is always over. Argh. What should I do? Is there a self-help book for couples that could spice things up for us?
A. This represents a fundamental difference between men and women. Women need a lot more than just intercourse as a general rule to find satisfaction. Your guy was more attentive when there was nothing except foreplay but once intercourse was on offer, he reverted to a bit of selfishness in bed, unfortunately. I can certainly understand your frustration and dissatisfaction but getting angry is not the answer. You need to `train' him into a better technique of love-making. There are plenty of books and courses around to help you. The best one I know personally is Sexual Joy by Dr Michael Clarke. Sex is never an issue till it's not good so don't let this situation disintegrate any further as it will come between you more and more.
Freshman Getting Fresh
April 17, 2008
Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. Last year when we both went to college, we ended up going to different schools, but decided to do the long distance relationship thing. I thought it was going fine until a few days ago, I found out he cheated on me in his freshman year four different times. I was heart-broken when he told me. I don't know what to do with myself; I can't focus in school, I can't eat, there hasn't been a day where I haven't started crying. I'm so confused because as much as he hurt me, I don't want to leave him. My heart and my gut are telling me to stay with him. That he means what he says when he says that he is going to change. My head is also telling me that he can't change and that he won't change. I have no reason to trust him or to believe him when he says that he will change, but I want to so badly. I'm afraid that I'm making a mistake by staying with him and mistaking what I think my heart is telling me for just wishful thinking. Obviously I won't be able to see all the changes if he makes them since he will be at school, and I know that it is going to take a very, very long time to build up all the trust we had. I can tell that he feels sorry, and I see that he is remorseful. I'm grateful for him telling me instead of lying to me for the rest of my life, although I would much rather have known the truth without the heartache. Am I wrong to stay with him?? I feel like I can't talk to any of my friends about it because I feel like no one will possibly understand how I could want to stay with him. I know that I deserve better, but I want to believe that he can change himself to be better for me. Is it ever possible to have a relationship again after being hurt and betrayed so badly? Am I doing the right thing? I feel so lost and alone.
A. You actually have a very realistic grasp of your situation, not only what happened but your current dilemma. But I know how difficult it is to come to the right decision when you have an emotional investment in the outcome. You've raised a few points and I'll try to address each one. First, long-distance relationships are hard for everyone. Infidelity is very tempting, especially for a young man in his first year of university. But he's owned up to four different experiences so it sounds more like experimenting than just being lonely for you. So, the big question is - did he get his fill of variety or does he still need to sow his wild oats? If the answer is the latter then you're just asking for more heartache by staying with him. If he's truly sorry and has re-committed to your relationship, then you're right to give him a second chance. No, it's not that simple as that but that's the nub of it. The rest will depend on your own personal reading of this man. Is he true to his word? Do you think he really loves you? Are you prepared to put in the required effort to regain your trust? Regardless of how you decide to choose, you'll be okay as long as you remain honest and clear, first with yourself and then your guy.
Not Enough Pants To Go Around
April 10, 2008
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months, and I used to wear the pants in the relationship, but slowly he's made me insecure, and now he does. He cares about me, but I want to be the one in control. How do you get a balance with being nice but playing hard to keep at the same time?
A. This is a classic situation where people enter a relationship without really knowing what they're after. Ask yourself why you need to "wear the pants." The best relationships exist between partners who are equal, with neither feeling the need to be boss. If that isn't how you feel, perhaps you are insecure in yourself. No one can really make us feel insecure. What's happened in the time you've been together is that the power-base has changed. You felt in control and now you don't. It's called love - which requires a relinquishing of fear. You need to give up all these set ideas you have about relationships and just be yourself. That's the answer to your question about balance.
Midnight At The Oasis
April 3, 2008
Q. I met a guy with whom I now think I might be in love with. The problem is that he is totally from outside my social class. I am keeping our relationship secret because I am not strong enough to face my friends or parents. He is a nomad living in an oasis literally 7 hours into the desert, while I go to the most elitist and posh university in the country. I cannot think of a single person I know who will approve of our relationship. I am so confused that I cannot even tell how true my own feelings are towards him. I feel attached to him somehow, but with all the contradictory thoughts running through my head, I cannot decide whether I am in true love or is it just attraction? He is incredibly spontaneous and frank in everything including the way he expresses his love, which I adore but given all the confusion I am feeling, makes me sad and more confused. He is sensitive and a very good and a kind person and I don't want to hurt him, but I am also afraid I might make him imagine a future that we cannot have. I am also worried that I might not want to leave him because I do not want to look elitist to myself. If I follow my impulses I will say I want to be with him, but if I let my mind speak, it sounds like complete craziness. Should I follow my heart or my mind? I cannot think clearly, and even when I try to think intuitively of whether I am in love or not everything else, like my parents, long-term, commitment, social-class considerations etc. gets factored in and blurs my view. Even if we were in love, I am still worried that after the initial love sparkles fade out, we will not find anything in common between the two of us. If we are together it will be us against the world. Is it worth it. Can I fight this fight? I want the good thing for both of us, and I do not know what to do. I cannot even act on my feelings because I cannot figure me out. Help me with your thoughts because I am totally numb.
A. I'd love to just say go for it and don't worry about the opinions of your friends, family and the world. But as a relationship counselor, I take a very realistic view of what makes two people work together. If you decide to go ahead with this guy, you will have a hard journey ahead, so, yes, the key question is - is this guy worth it? Before you can even begin to make this decision, you need to un-confuse yourself. The way to do this is to take the urgency out of the situation and stop playing, "what if." Stay in the present and get in touch with your feelings quietly. Try to visualize the future with this guy and without him. Which picture is more appealing? Think of the details, such as where you would live, would he be able to fit into "normal" society, would you have children, could you give up your own plans to be with him, and so on. Put all other considerations aside and just focus on the two of you. You can't expect to distinguish fact from reality while you're so muddled and unhappy. No matter how much you think you love this guy, you still need to keep your objectivity in deciding whether or not to build a life with him. You'd be hurting him far more to start something you can't finish so go carefully.
Email Blues
March 20, 2008
Q. I am 23 years old and the girl I like/love is 19 years old and we work together. I told her that I love her in an email and she knows that I have feelings for her. Whenever she comes to work, she tries to avoid me and is always on the other side of the room. She sometimes looks over at me. Recently, when I talked to a girl, she was really mad and gave me and the girl a dirty look. Then the next time I messaged her she told me never to message her again. But I did message her again and she said that she doesn't have feelings for me and she never liked me. She also said that she doesn't want to see my face. What should I do to salvage this relationship?
A. For starters, you don't actually have a relationship with this girl. So, the more important question is - what's really going on? Does she like you or not? If you take her literally, then you should just give up and back off, but if she's playing games with you, you need to decide whether you want to play along. There are other possibilities - maybe she was embarrassed by your declaration of love, especially as you work together. As far as her perceived jealousy about your talking to the other girl, sometimes, people get annoyed about this kind of thing even if they're not interested in the person themselves. It strikes me though that she's awfully angry for someone who doesn't like you! Instead of all the emailing and messaging, why not just talk to her personally and try to get a handle on whether she likes you or not, once and for all.
Anger Issues
March 13, 2008
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3 months now and he recently decided to move to another town. He promised me he would be back for our 3 month anniversary but 2 days before it, he said he couldn’t make it. He says he loves me and he doesn’t know what he would do without me and then early this morning, he rang me up and started abusing me, calling me a bitch and some other names. I don’t know what to do anymore. I still do love him but not when he is saying to my friend Jarred that if he comes near me again, he will kill him. Please help me. I really don’t know what to do anymore.
A. It's probably not what you want to hear but this guy sounds dangerous and you need to make a quick exit from the relationship. Does he drink? That sort of erratic behavior is often related to alcohol. It would also explain his aggressive and jealous attitude towards your friend. I'm not saying he's a bad person but he has serious emotional issues. Don't fool yourself into believing that you can love him out of his problems. That's a common mistake women make and all it leads to is a world of hurt. Love yourself better than that. You haven't been together all that long so it would be best to break off now before things get worse. If he's willing to get help for his anger issues, mood swings, aggression and so on, you can then reconsider the situation but as it stands, your love will just turn sour.
Online Relationship Goes Off The Rails
March 6, 2008
Q. I need your help. Recently I got to know this guy from an online friend's community and we click very well. I had been heartbroken before but his sudden arrival into my life restored some of my faith in love again. Although I did not initiate any signs of interest as he is always the one who initiates our chat sessions, I had unconsciously fallen for him as he seemed very into me and showered me with all his care and attention even through phone calls. I went out with him for a date the second time he asked me out. The date went okay and although I felt that it was normal for us to not talk much because we went to a movie (which is obviously a conversation-killer) and because we both felt nervous around each other, he blames it on the lack of chemistry between the both of us and has since lost interest in me. He has also stated reasons that he has gotten a bad first impression of me when I arrived late and when I asked him whether we were going "dutch". I felt it was only considerate for me to ask him since I do not expect guys to pay for me. However, we are still friends now and are still on talking terms but how do I convince him that chemistry itself needs some amount of work and that first impressions are not always reliable? Should I move on or try to win this guy back?
A. Sorry but I don't like him. I'm not sure he even deserves your friendship. You have a much better understanding of how relationships work than he does. A lot of people judge their potential by first impressions and looks. Sure, chemistry is important but as you say, feelings can grow if given a chance. First dates are definitely difficult but he's taken one look at you basically and decided there's no attraction. I get the feeling this guy spends his time trawling the Internet, arranging to meet women he connects with then starts the process all over again. I really think you're better off without him. Keep him as a friend if you must but certainly don't try to make him into anything else.
Changed His Mind?
February 28, 2008
Q. My 23 year old son has recently asked my advice and I was not sure what to say to him so this is my reason for contacting you. About 6 months ago he ended a year and a half relationship. About a month ago, he met a girl whom he really clicked with and whom he said he could see himself being with for the long term. They are very compatible with one another and expressed strong interest (jumping in with both feet, so to speak). He believed that he loved her and that she was the perfect match for him. Within 2 weeks of meeting her, he was recruited to train as a law enforcement officer so the relationship is now a long distance one. They both knew this would be difficult but wanted to try to make it work anyway. While he is training he is required to put in very long days. It is physically and mentally draining. His concern is that in the last week or so, he feels differently about her. He isn't sure if this is a result of the stress that he is under because he really "wants" to be with her, but his feelings are not as strong. Should he tell her how he is feeling and end the relationship or wait and see what happens? My advice was that I felt he is likely being drained by his training and that he should do nothing for now and to take his time since he feels this person has the qualities he is looking for. I am just also concerned that he be fair to her and not lead her on. It is also important that you understand that both of these people believe in marriage as the ultimate goal of a dating relationship and also that for them sex is not an option outside of marriage. Please help me to advise him. Thanks!
A. Your advice is basically right. When under stress, we should never make life-changing decisions. I'm not sure your son is feeling different because he's under a lot of pressure and is physically tired. No matter how compatible they are, that doesn't mean they should enter a long-term relationship. Love is not rational or structured. That's why I always recommend that people take a cooling-off period before they commit. It could be as simple as that. Your son's feelings may have altered due to the geographical distance between them and the enforced absence. If this is so, count your blessings. Far better he find out now. Still, best to wait till they see each other again - feelings will become very clear then one way or the other.
Is She Just A Friend?
February 21, 2008
Q. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year, we have an apartment together and are expecting a baby in August. However, in the beginning of our relationship, we had some problems and spent about 3 months apart. While we were broken up, he hooked up with another girl who he says is now just a friend. He insists that there is nothing there and that he hides the friendship because he knows I will think the worst. I know that they talk and text several times a week. He says if I truly have a problem with it, he will end the friendship. I have not yet asked him to do so. I’m worried that something might spark up again between the two of them and fear of losing him to her. Should I ask him to end the supposed "friendship"?
A. This is an issue that comes up a lot. Exes and friends of our partners can cause a lot of tension in relationships. In your situation, I can certainly understand your suspicions about this girl as your guy had slept with the girl during a break-up and now keeps in touch with her. Sometimes, we sleep with a person we're attracted to only to find afterwards that the feelings are those of friendship. I think that's what happened with your guy and this girl. He's living with you, having a baby with you, came back to you after a separation. How much more proof do you need that he loves you? The best thing you can do is work on your trust issues, let your man have his friend and enjoy the life you have together. If he's going to leave you, he won't need an excuse or this particular woman to do it. He's a lot less likely to ever want to leave if you let him be his own person. You can't own anyone. Try to enjoy the parts of him you have and leave the rest. You're in danger of spoiling what you've got with your imaginings.
Internet Addiction
February 14, 2008
Q. I read your article on internet addiction and the sexual aspect of it. I believe I fall into the category of a person addicted to the internet and its sexual exploits. My problem is destroying my life and I fear I am going to lose my fiancé over it. I need help. I was wondering if you can direct me to a free support or hot line that I can call to get things rolling and find more information on what my true issues are and where I can seek help. Thank you for your time.
A. Not being in your local area, I can't recommend any help services but you should be able to find listings in your phone directory. You can also arrange email counseling with me through this website. Meanwhile, let me give you some basic thoughts on your situation. Yes, addiction will ruin your life if you let it. That's the whole point about addiction - it becomes your boss and controls your life. You are quite right in saying that you need to know what your real issues are. Addiction often masks a number of hidden problems. It's almost irrelevant what the addiction itself is so, whether it's being on the internet or the sexual exploits that have you in their grip, it's very important to set yourself free. You need to regain mastery of your own life. I hope you seek help soon.
Is He Scared?
February 7, 2008
Q. I met the man of my dreams about one year ago. I am so in love with him but he just told me that he wanted a break. He has told me in the past that he wants to marry me and he knows that I'm the one for him. Now, he says he just wants space. He also said that he is scared. Is it normal for a guy to get scared and run away? How long should I give him? I want to be with him and he says that he wants to be with me. I am not talking to him and giving him his space. It's hard but I love him so much and I want him to know that I love him more than anything. Why does he want a break?
A. What you need to decide is if he has a genuine reason for wanting a break, in other words, a personal issue, or if it is just an excuse to get out of the relationship. How do you do this? By asking the straight question, observing the response and also, doing what you're already doing, which is backing off and waiting to see what he does. People certainly do run scared from their feelings, especially in the early stages of a relationship so it may not be about you at all. Try to hang tough just for a little while as after a break, he may realize he does really want to be with you. If he doesn't, it's better to know before more time elapses.
Lerve At The Gas Station
January 31, 2008
Q. I have just gone through a divorce with my husband of 7 years, he was unfaithful to me. Recently I was stopped at a gas station after leaving my office job and working a 12 hour day, filling up on gas, when a very attractive man pulled up to me and started talking to me. He wanted to know my name, asked me if I lived in the area and I told him no, but did tell him the town that I lived in (not where, just the town). He just bought a "fixer upper" in the same town and after talking a little more, I found out he bought the house next to my brother, so here he was, from the same town, lived next door to my brother and on the plus side, very attractive. He wanted to know if I would like to go out that evening. I told him I couldn't that evening. He asked me if I was married and I told him no, and then he asked if he could have my phone number, so I gave him my cell, he then asked me if I wanted his, so I took his number and put it into my cell with his name. The problem, that was 3 weeks ago, I'm very interested in talking to him and possibly hanging-out but he didn't call me and I've yet to call him. Does that mean he's really not interested in me? It's been 7 years since I've been in the dating world, but I would like to somehow connect with him again. Do you think I should just forget about it if he hasn't called me or should I just be brave and call his number or stop by his house? I go by his home everyday to and from work. I just feel strange doing that, is that a little too bold?
A. I certainly don't think you should arrive unannounced at his house but I definitely recommend that you phone him. First, in this day and age, there's nothing wrong with a woman phoning a guy. Secondly, he asked you out on the spot and you refused. You had a good reason but he may have felt brushed off so thought better of ringing you afterwards. He gave you his number so why not use it. If he's not really interested, you'll be able to tell and at least, you'll then know. No harm if that occurs and you might have a lot to gain instead. Of course, you could always visit your brother and accidentally/on purpose run into his neighbor, or even ask your brother to strike up a casual conversation with him about having run into you at the gas station. Whatever you decide to try, it does seem that fate brought you together so why not give it a bit of a nudge and see what happens?
Where Did The Love Go?
January 24, 2008
Q. I had been dating this boy who is now my ex. I really, really love him. We basically knew each other for a long time because we grew up with each other. He would sleep over at my aunt's house every summer and holiday. We have been in an on-and-off relationship. We used to spend hours on the phone and I would say I loved him all the time first and he used it back but we never really spend time with each other except at my aunt house and at the bus stop. I felt I didn't have a chance to really love him. We were talking like friends after the break up and still kissing each other like we were together until after my graduation when he began pushing me away. I felt that something was said about me to make him turn against me like that. He said that he didn't like me anymore but how could his feelings just leave so suddenly? I asked him what happened and he hit me for the first time then said he didn't mean it. He even took me to the movies for my birthday and we held hands in the movies and he asked for a goodbye kiss. I am confused because one day he's nice, and the next day he's mean and doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know what to do. I really want him back. I can't get him off my mind. He says he has a girl but he never mentions her name when I ask and we use to be on the phone every night. At times, I think he's trying to make me jealous. Ever since we broke up, we've been arguing more and he says he can't take the drama from me anymore and that I'm getting on his nerves and he needs me to stay away from him for a while. What could be the problem? Please, I need your advice on how can I make my ex boyfriend love me again.
A. I can't tell you how to get your boyfriend back. The problem is basically that he wants just friendship and you want a relationship. Converting a romance into a friendship is difficult enough even when both people want the same thing. It's impossible when one wants to be together again. He may or may not have another girlfriend, but that doesn't really involve you. You have to decide if this relationship is truly over and if it is, then either stay on as a friend or back off altogether. That's why you're arguing all the time and why he doesn't want to see you anymore. You're just prolonging the pain. Break-ups are never easy but we can learn from them and move on. This guy doesn't seem to really know what he wants. And physical violence is never acceptable in a partner. Try to find someone who will commit to you and make you happy. Love is not enough by itself; you need to be suited to each other and it doesn't sound as if you are. I'm sorry - I know this is not the advice you wanted but I have to try to help you in the best way, not the easiest way. Best of luck.
Deliberately Infected?
January 17, 2008
Q. I met a guy earlier this year and we evolved into a sexual relationship. At first he was really nice, texting me several times a day. One and a half months into the relationship, he stopped lavishing me with attention and because he was so distant, I put an end to the relationship and he agreed to this. Now even though we agreed, he started calling me once every week to check how I was doing. In a moment of weakness, I invited him over and we ended up having sex. After sex, when he thought I was sleeping, he went on my computer and the next day I saw that he checked websites related to schizophrenia (how to recognize it and treatments) and also how to recognize various STDs. Later that day he sent me a text message to say he does not want contact with me anymore because he has problems with himself. We had sex 2 times without a condom and now I am very afraid that he purposely infected me with something even though he told me he is clean. Any advice?
A. Sorry but you've learnt a tough lesson the hard way. You should NEVER, under any circumstances, have unprotected sex with a man you're not involved in a permanent relationship with. I don't think he did it deliberately and you may not even be infected so don't worry just yet. First of all, go to a doctor or family planning centre and get yourself checked. This guy's problem is more likely to be related to the first condition he was checking out - mental illness. That might explain his erratic behavior. First he was with you, then he withdrew, then he wanted you again. The other mistake you made was sleeping with him without checking his feelings first. Sometimes, people have sex in an attempt to mend rifts in relationships but without sorting out problems, there can be no honesty or trust. My overall advice is to proceed with caution until you have more information and that you have more self-respect in the future.
In Love With A Bad Boy
January 10, 2008
Q. I have been seeing a man for a little over a year. I knew when we got together he was a bit of a "bad boy." I never thought that our relationship would go as long as it has, but there is a huge amount of love, sexual chemistry, and emotional attachment between the two of us. The problem is he has gotten me into trouble financially too many times to count. I know I have a certain culpability in this, since I have allowed him access to my money, but anytime there is money lying around, he takes it. He got involved with some drug deals, and now someone who says she was "stiffed" is threatening to come to my house. I am so angry at him for bringing this on me and my children, but I feel a certain responsibility for him. Without me, he has no place to live where people are not using drugs almost constantly (he is a recovering addict), he had a horrible upbringing and I feel like he will go off the deep end if he loses me, but some of the things he has done are just too much. I have tried on many occasions to break up with him, but he always talks me out of it, and promises things will change. He has changed, but the money is still an issue, especially since he is unemployed. The "residual" effect of all his drug problems is coming back to haunt us as well, and I wonder if it will ever be better. Why can't I let go of this destructive relationship? How can I stick to my guns, or should I try to tough it out with him in the hope things will get better?
A. Ah, the $64,000 question! The answer is not simple and lies in the reason you chose this guy in the first place. A lot of women find "bad boys" more attractive, I guess because they're more exciting and interesting. That's all fine and good but not when the relationship becomes destructive. Then it's about something far deeper. For example, did you have a "naughty" parent, one who broke rules and pushed boundaries? For now, consider this - you can't be responsible for this man. It's not appropriate. He's an adult and you're playing the role of his mother. He will stay in his negative patterns as long as you allow it. You have children to think about too. Do you really want to expose them to this sort of lifestyle? If your bond is truly deep and sincere, it'll still be there when he cleans up his act and he'll also respect you more. You don't have to throw him out but set some rules in place - no drugs, no stealing and get a job! Standing by him is noble but not to the point of your own demise. You already know what you have to do. Find the courage to do it.
What's Wrong With His Libido?
January 3, 2008
Q. I'm worried because my boyfriend doesn't care for sex that much. In the beginning of our relationship we had a great sex life. I have asked him if it's me, like, am I not that attractive or something. He said I was very attractive. I am just tired of feeling hurt and want to be intimate with him again. We both love each other very much. How can I get him in the mood without getting him to avoid anything sexual? Please help me. I am so frustrated.
A. I get a lot of questions about couples having different levels of libido. As we are all individuals and human, not machines, we aren't going to want sex in the same way at the same time. The worst thing you can do is turn it into a problem. If you take it as a rejection from your guy, it will indeed hurt and will drive a bigger and bigger rift between you. If you think he's just being lazy, by all means, jazz things up a bit by surprising him in the bedroom or just trying something different. But if he really doesn't want to make love very often and assures you it's not lack of attraction for you, you'll have to decide if you want him as he is or another, more sexual, guy. Don't bring up the subject too much. Widen your understanding of sex by introducing activities other than intercourse. Stay close - that's what matters.
Incompatible And Immature
December 20, 2007
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years. I'm 22 and he is 24. We were inseparable for the first few years and had the perfect relationship, then a lot of things happened and we drifted apart. I ended up getting close to someone else and kissed him. My boyfriend found out about almost a year later and we broke up. We have since gotten back together but things just aren't the same. I don't feel the same way that I used to about our relationship. He is very close to my family and whenever things aren't really good between us, he involved them and of course they come to me saying that we are perfect for each other and should work things out. I wish I could change how I feel but I just can't. I feel that we have changed so much and I don't want to hurt him, at the same time I don't want to disappoint my family. They love him dearly and probably would not accept anyone else in my life. It's very frustrating. We don't have the same friends, he doesn't enjoy being around my friends and will avoid them as much as he can. We can go a few days without talking to each other and then when I see him, he just wants to have sex. If I push him away and don't give in, he will get up and leave or roll over and face the wall. Sometimes I want to give in to make him happy... but something in me just doesn't feel in the mood. I'm so confused. I love him dearly but don't know if this will work itself out or if I can get those feelings back. It hurts me that he can't just lay with me, he always wants something else. Our relationship has been on and off for the past year and I don't know what to do. If I say that I need some space, he will freak out and run to my family and get them involved. He'll get in a depressed mood and I know he will talk bad about me to friends we have in common so he can get their sympathy. What do I do?????
A. The crux of this issue is basically that you and this guy are incompatible. The fact that your family adores him is neither here nor there. Your relationship choices are YOURS alone. It's totally inappropriate for him to talk to your friends and family about your personal issues. The trouble is you've allowed it for so long. You should've told him to stop long ago. The break-ups and make-ups are irrelevant now - what matters is the present and the present is NOT happy. This guy is very immature and just wants his own way in everything. Your uncertainty is a big clue. Please search your heart and follow your intuition. If it's not right, it's better to end it. Of course your family will accept another guy in your life. At the end of the day, they just want you to be happy so explain to them that you're not. Get in first so that whatever he says will have less impact. Take your life back.
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