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 Ask Aphrodite - 2011
Bring your love life back to life! Counsellor Charmaine Saunders is available to help with advice on relationship matters and issues affecting your love life. You can email Charmaine and each week she'll answer reader's questions on this page. Please note that Charmaine can't respond to all emails personally and she cannot advise on medical matters.
(This an archived page. Click here to view the current Ask Aphrodite page.)
Picking The Right One
22 November, 2011
Q. I have been "intertwined" with two guys and have finally figured out who I want but the one I want tells me he loves me and how much he wants to be with me but then disappears for days even weeks sometimes. I don't know what to make of that. I don't understand why he does it. Then the other guy is way too controlling. When we were dating he would tell me what I couldn't wear, who I couldn't talk to. He even pulled me away from my close friends and now that I know he's not the one for me, I've been slowly pulling away but he's pulling me in closer. Well, trying to, at least. And I don't want to hurt him, all of his family other then a couple relatives have left him when he was young. But I want him to realize that we can only be friends. The one I want makes me feel great, we have the same goals for life. We have more in common than the other guy and his family. I just want some advice because everyone I go to tells me to wait it out and things will fall into place. I don't want to wait. I want to be happy again with the one I want.
A. Sorry but the advice you've been given is correct. It's never good to try and force things. The important thing is that you've made up your mind. By doing that, you're putting out your desires in a good way. It's also good that you're pulling away from the guy you don't want because it would be unfair to lead him on. Of course he'll be hurt but that can't be avoided if you don't believe he's not right for you. There is no perfect partner and love is only a beginning. Relationships require a lot of commitment. So, if you're sure, let him know then trust it will all work out. If you don't like him disappearing on you, ask him why he does it and tell him your feelings. Start as you mean to go on by communicating clearly and honestly. You can be happy but not on demand.
Manipulative Mother-in-law
8 November, 2011
Q. I am having a problem with the father of my twin girls, we have been with each other for 7 years, it started as a long distance relationship till I got a job in his home town. Things got pretty hectic in our relationship till I asked for a transfer back home in 2009 and 3 months later, I found I was pregnant. The thing is no matter how committed he claims to be, his mother is always ruling in our relationship, in fact in our daily life. She is there always, we can't do anything without her knowing, and she is so manipulative that everything I do for him is not appreciated. She always convinces him otherwise and now that we are apart it has just became harder, she doesn't want him to come and visit the kids, she has convinces him to give me less maintenance and I had to go to court for that, she is just making my life with him a living hell. I don't know if I should stay anymore or I should leave, most of the time I thought maybe I should do it for my babies but on the other side I feel like he doesn't love me completely and he doesn't even care for the babies as long as he is making his mother happy at all times, that's what matters to him and nothing more and no one else. I think I have taken more than enough from his family. My girls are one year seven months and his mother doesn't know them, she hasn't seen them, never asks about them and he has only seen them twice, when they were one month and one year two months. He doesn't come to spend time with them, sometimes doesn't call for weeks to ask about them.
A. Unfortunately, this woman has taken against you and probably won't change her mind. It's unusual that a mother wouldn't want to see her own grandchildren. You don't offer any suggestions as to her dislike for you but I can guess that she's a very possessive woman and doesn't like sharing her son. She sees you as an intruder and wants to keep dominating your lives. The only way this situation could improve is if your guy stands with you but it sounds as if he's very much under her influence. It doesn't sound very hopeful. I suggest you decide if you want to go on living in this type of family. Staying just for children is not advisable as they will be around tension all the time. Try to make a decision and stick to it. You need a strong man, not a mummy's boy.
The "Official" Relationship
25 October, 2011
Q. I met my boyfriend of a year almost two years ago. For the first year we knew each other it was not serious. I wanted more and he was fighting a relationship for a long time. He was not ready to be in a relationship and was not ready to settle down at that time. As we got closer and more serious, we had the discussion about not sleeping with other people, prior to actually becoming "official." Once we were official and he was ready to commit to me things were wonderful, and I had no doubt that I was going to marry him. I recently found out that he was sleeping with other girls prior to us becoming official, not long before though. One of which was just a one time thing, and one was a girl he went to college with that he had a history with, she was also married. He claims he never cheated once we became official, but it was after we had the talk about not sleeping with other people. He lied about this particular female throughout our entire relationship because I had questioned why she texted him if she was married and he claimed they never slept together. They no longer speak, he has completely cut her off but finding this out has been completely devastating to me. It's two-fold.
First the betrayal, I have no way of knowing the technicalities, if he truly did cheat when we were "official" or if he cut it off before that but he did continue texting her a few months into us becoming official because we would fight about it. Either way he betrayed my trust and lied to me about it for months and months about never sleeping with her. Second, he has always claimed marriage is very sacred to him. Not just a comment here or there, we have had many serious conversations about marriage and he states that he hates how nobody respects marriage anymore and marriage should be taken seriously...yet here he was having an affair. Apparently this was a girl he slept with years before throughout her whole relationship and it just never stopped when she got married. It just makes me wonder if his values and morals are really what he claims them to be if he's willing to sleep with a married woman and this make me questions if he's the type of man I want to marry. I know she would text him after we got together and try to see him but he would never do it...as far as I know but I never knew about the times he saw her before we were official either.
I'm not quite sure where to go from here, like I said since we've been together and gotten closer and he's gotten to the point where his heart and mind were truly ready to be committed to me things have been wonderful. It's just knowing that betrayal and his lack of morals that I can't get out of my head. And if he can lie to my face about something like that, what else can he lie about? He told me he never slept with her and used her being married as an excuse for it not to bother me while he was sleeping with her the whole time. We obviously weren't as close as a year ago as we are now but I would have had no idea that he ever saw her. I've lost a lot of trust, I've lost a lot of respect and I don't know if I'm working on something worth it or if I'm settling for someone who possibly cheated on me with a married woman. To him it's something that was over a long time ago but to me it's new since I'm just finding out. Since finding out it's been in my head everyday, I just don't really know where to go from here. I love him very much and never finding this out I think I would be blissfully happy moving towards marriage as we speak. I'm not sure now if I should move forward or move on.
A. Until a relationship is `official' and the couple vow exclusivity, all bets are off. So, he didn't do anything wrong up to that point. However, the lines get a bit blurry after that. As you say yourself, you really don't know the exact facts around that time. But the worst part is the lying. We all lie and there are many reasons for telling lies. In this case, it's no doubt that he didn't want to risk losing you by telling you the whole truth. I guess that's a compliment? That may all be in the past and he doesn't contact that girl anymore but you're left with loss of trust and loss of respect - totally understandable. Only you can decide how much you want to forgive and forget, Think about the caliber of the person and follow your instincts. It will take time regardless to get back to warm feelings for him so demand time and space to do just that. Don't make a hasty decision, weigh up all the angles but if you can't see a future with him, be honest and move on.
Serial Cheater
13 October, 2011
Q. I'm in a relationship of 7 years with the father of my child, I still love him but I no longer trust him. 5 years ago, he used to spend most of his time with friends rather than with me. I then decided to get someone to spend time with me. He found out about the affair I was having with this guy. We talked about and sorted things out and continued on. From that day I vowed that I will never cheat on him, and I never have. But he's been cheating on me ever since that day and I wonder if he'll ever stop cheating on me. I'm always moody, I don't play with him anymore. I'm always thinking about the cheating issues of him. How can I put the negative thoughts away, be happy, and make the relationship work without thinking about the pain and hurt he is causing me?
A. I'm puzzled as to why you've both cheated in your relationship. There doesn't seem to be any particular commitment between you, especially on his part. At least you learnt from your mistake and have changed your behaviour. Trust is always damaged when there's cheating involved. If you both worked on it, you could get things back and maybe even better but how can that happen while he's still cheating? You can't rebuild the relationship on your own; he has to decide
if he's in or not. While he keeps cheating, you can't be expected to not think about it. You're not being negative, just realistic. You need to get a commitment from this guy or move on.
Cheated And She's Pregnant!
27 September, 2011
Q. My BF and I have been in a relationship for 6 years and now we are having problems. I got a job away in 2008 and he started cheating. Last year in April, I got a job and returned back home only to find out that the lady he was with became pregnant and they are now staying together but he tells me that I am the woman he wants to be with. We are fighting every time and he says I'm overreacting. I love this man so much but I can't be his second best. He keeps on saying I must be patient; things will work out between us. Can you please advise me on what to do - it's like I'm going crazy.
A. Maybe this guy just weakened while you were away and now regrets his actions but he's trapped because the girl fell pregnant. He has a responsibility to her so he has no right to be making you any promises. You most certainly are not over-reacting, especially if you were still together when you left town. He not only cheated, he wasn't honest about it. My strong advice is that you refuse to see him while he's still with this other woman. If he's sincere, he will need to make arrangements for her and the baby then he will be free to be with you if that's what he truly wants. If you continue to see
him now, you are playing second best and you have no guarantee that he really will end up with you. Love is not enough; you need to demand respect.
The Language Of Love
20 September, 2011
Q. I'm learning Italian and I met an Italian online many months ago through a Language Exchange Website who wanted to improve his English, so we have been engaged in a 'tandem' language exchange since the end of September. We speak almost daily on Skype, all under the premise of improving our language skills. We're both in our 30's. We share similar interests, outlooks on life and even similar goals. We clearly enjoy chatting to each other. We seem to have chemistry, and I am certainly attracted to him. He has subtly flirted with me in the past. He doesn't flirt as much now, but he still seems interested in maintaining our relationship. I just can't work out if that interest is solely to learn a new language, or because he is actually interested in me romantically. I have also noticed that since October, he no longer logs onto the Language Exchange Website.
Although I was on the other side of the world, I have recently moved to the same continent (though not the same country), which makes meeting up more viable. I've also told him, or even hinted, that I can't wait to make weekend trips to Italy, hoping he would suggest meeting up. I just don't know whether to suggest a meeting, or wait for him to suggest it? Where do I take it from here?
A. There are several possible reasons why he has backed off, including the distance issue, your lack of positive response to his flirting or he could simply need less language practice. He might've assumed you weren't interested in anything personal. It's a shame that neither of you expressed interest straight-out. Still, if you're now in Europe, it's perfectly reasonable to ask to see him in Italy. Stop the hinting and just ask directly. After all, you've had an internet relationship and even if you've never discussed meeting, it seems to be a natural development. Extend the hand of friendship and expect nothing else till you meet. Once you do, you'll soon know whether there's any other spark. You can't really know someone without meeting face to face. I hope you've learned from this experience to trust your instincts better in future.
Lesbian Relationship Riddle
6 September, 2011
Q. I'm currently in an open relationship with another woman. To most of the world this relationship is kept under wraps because we aren't out of the closet. We've been seeing each other on and off for three years now, though after deciding we weren't experienced enough with other people, we made it an open relationship. We have a very deep love for each other, as my partner admitted to me the other day. However, lately my partner has been entering online dating sites as a means of finding dates. We have yet to date anybody else, but I have seen her messages to the men on the Internet. They are genuine, artsy, lovable people, who my partner is really connecting with. It's because of this I feel like she is looking for a spiritual partner. And it is my fear that she will leave me for him. I also start to feel inadequate and sometimes become depressed from all of this. I'm just at a loss of what to do. I could never end our relationship, and my partner herself said the thought of that brought tears to her eyes. But, she has also admitted that she can only see herself settling down with a man. We are only 21, so settling down is way, way down the track. We definitely have a strong bond and supporting connection. We've talked continually about our relationship, but I still feel stuck. If you have any advice, it would be great to hear.
A. I think that the two of you have a very mature attitude regarding your relationship because of your age and your lack of experience. However, your partner seems to want more than just an open relationship; she is expressing ambivalence about you, the future and most significantly, her sexuality. This puts you in a very vulnerable position. If she were seeking interaction with other women, that would be one thing but she's made it very clear that she's looking for a guy to settle down with. If you are prepared to live with this uncertainty, then by all means, enjoy the relationship for what it
is and let the future take care of itself. But you need to be very clear how much of an investment you're prepared to make when it seems so one-sided. All the talking in the world won't change things right now as the other lady can't give you any reassurances. You each need to look after your own interests whilst maintaining extreme honesty to minimise any hurt in the future.
She's Hot & Cold
23 August, 2011
Q. I've recently met a nice girl I really like and have been seeing for about two weeks, although nothing sexual. The problem is she can be a bit cold and sometimes just will not respond to me. At times she can be all sweet and nice. I am now not sure if she really is interested in a relationship or not. Most times she acts like she doesn't care at all what I want. Problem for me is I really like her and it's all confusing for me. Do you have any advice for me?
A. As this is a new relationship, don't rush things. The girl may not yet be sure of her feelings, which is fair enough. It is difficult when people blow hot and cold and give out mixed signals but there could be many reasons in this case. Perhaps she feels you're hurrying her or she just wants to be friends for a while. She could just be a moody person or a bit selfish! If you like her, let things take their natural course. If the relationship progresses to the next level and she's still very changeable, you could address it then. If, on the other hand, it doesn't move forward, you have your answer now.
What Next?
11 August, 2011
Q. My ex and I broke up almost 10 months ago after he was seeing an Asian backpacker who was working where he did (apparently there was no sleeping together). We were together for almost 3 years, so the breakup was quite messy. He moved out, she moved in with him, then after a month she moved back home overseas. Four months later, he tried contacting me again saying he misses me. After sticking to my guns and ignoring his constant messages, I gave in and we began talking again. For the last 6 months we've talked almost everyday through text message. But the problem is, we are friends for a bit then we start fighting and ignoring each other and this has been happening over and over again. The thing is, I don't trust him anymore. I try talking things through with him but he's not a great communicator and gets angry. I feel he just wants to forget what he did and thinks I should do the same. I've asked why he did what he did and he said he was scared of settling down too quickly. We love each other but I'm not sure if too much damage has been done for us even to be friends again. We have a great connection and chemistry. We have lots of fun when we are together but when it comes to the 'what next?' question and dealing with the past, everything falls to pieces. In the early days I made the mistake of sleeping with him and felt very used. I've avoided this ever since. I don't want to be hurt again. What should I do?
A. I'm glad you aren't sleeping with him as sex can sometimes cloud the issues. Until things get clearer between you two, steer clear of labeling what you have. He made a mistake and that's over now. If you can't let it go, there's no future for you with him. I think you have more immediate problems such as his inability to commit and your lack of trust. That could be why he got interested in the other girl. I agree that it's hard to be friends under these circumstances so why not back off the whole thing for a while and see what happens? You won't lose him by giving him some space. He's either interested or he's not. Guys don't generally like talking things over. Try to identify what you mostly fight about and work on understanding those issues yourself rather than worrying about what he's doing. Love is not enough and having fun is not enough. Believe in yourself and ask for a lot more.
Long Distance Doubts
26 July, 2011
Q. I met a guy visiting a friend on vacation. We went on a date, but we don't live in the same area. We've been communicating online ever
since, but I'm not sure what we are. I've never done long distance so I'm new to talking online with a guy. I don't want to play games, but want to keep him interested and not seem too available. What would be the best way to go about this? How often should I communicate with him? Am I wasting my time or expecting too much out of this?
A. Yes, long-distance is difficult especially at the early stages of a
relationship. However, these days, with internet becoming more and more common, communicating online before meeting is getting easier to handle. Maybe you could try looking at it that way. It could be a great opportunity to find out more about each other before you take it any further. If you don't want to play games, then just don't. Be yourself, enjoy what you have for right now without feeling the need to label it. You'd only be wasting your time if you have unrealistic expectations or get too impatient. You can interact online as often as you like but make sure it's reciprocal. If it gets too one-sided, back off and let him make some effort. You won't go wrong if you use your common-sense and gut instincts.
He's SO Hot!
July 12, 2011
Q. I'm 16 and thought this kid Alex was hot, so I left him my number but he never called so I called him a week later and he explained how he had a girlfriend but he said to visit him and I went and a worker told me his last name without me asking. So I found him on Facebook and he looked nothing like I remember and I didn't think he was hot, and he had a girlfriend so it wouldn't have worked out. I know why I confused him with this other kid who I've seen with his band live, and a lot of people I know are friends with him. And when I saw the band I thought he was SO HOT. That was 2 years ago. But I would have never thought of Dave without the whole Alex thing. So I went on Dave's Facebook, added him then talked to him. And I thought we had a REALLY GOOD conversation! I watched a lot of his videos and saw his pictures and HE IS HILARIOUS and has the same humor as me, he's single, and there's too many reasons to write here and he's really nice. I think we'd be perfect but I don't want to be annoying or desperate. And it's killing me not to, because if he thought it was a friendly conversation, there's no hope. and it makes me want to cry at the thought of him not talking to me himself because I like him soo much and I wanna give him my number but that's too much for talking to someone for the first time, and I don't know what he thinks and I don't know what to do. Should I contact him and ask him to hang out?
A. It is difficult with Facebook because we can be friends with lots of people we don't even know. It's great for networking but, as with everything on the internet, has many pitfalls. It's important not to count on anything or take people too seriously. That doesn't mean this guy doesn't like you. Maybe he does and maybe he just likes talking to you. My suggestion will not be popular with you - give it time. Keep communicating with him on Facebook but you're right in saying it's too soon to give him your number. Wait a while and if it still feels good, move to the next stage then the next stage, slowly, slowly. You sound very young and this might be your first big crush. It's exciting and fun, just as it's meant to be. I'm not saying you shouldn't enjoy it - only be careful and don't put yourself in either physical or emotional danger.
Worrying Too Much
June 28, 2011
Q. There was a guy at a Christmas party. When my friends and I got there, he came up and talked to me, asking about my name, hometown, my school and my year in college. I remember that he talked to me three times at the party and I didn't know him in the first place. But I found him really friendly. After some time for food and the coming of Santa Claus, he talked to me again. This time he almost asked me the same questions he had just asked before so I asked him "Are you drunk?" in a joking way. He replied "no, it's because there are so many people in the party. I can still remember what you have said to me." After some time for dancing, we happened to see each other at the same location. When he saw me, he started to chat with me about what he was doing recently. When I left the party, I asked him for his Facebook ID. Early June, I had a project and I thought of him immediately because I knew that he is an expert at this so I asked him for his suggestions through Facebook. He responded, "I'd be happy to talk to you in person if you have some time to meet." But the thing was the project was already on the way. So I told him about the situation and he said we could maybe meet but didn't meet finally. I'd like to know if he is interested in me or he is just really willing to help and very friendly? Is he afraid of my rejection?
A. I think you worry too much! You met a guy in a social situation, you hit it off and later, got in touch with him. Sure, he could've contacted you after the party but you had his Facebook details and when you did get in touch, he was friendly and helpful. I'd say he's done his part. He's shown interest and now, it's up to you to move forward or forget it. I don't think he would ask to meet up in person unless he liked you. Rejection is not really the issue on either side because you've both shown interest. I definitely think you should suggest meeting now even though the project is finished. You can make it a thank-you offer if you like and see where it goes from there. Keep it casual, meet up with no expectations. You'll soon know whether this is a fantasy or has the possibility for more.
Time To Let Go
June 14, 2011
Q. I was in a committed relationship with a guy for 3 1/2 years. Although we had a long distance relationship, we somehow managed to make things work till now. We had always been having problems because he wanted to marry me but I always wanted to pursue my career and wait a while. Also we had a 4 year age gap which caused a problem but we always loved each other deeply. However all was smooth till two months ago when he met another girl and hit it off with her. He says that she came onto him and kissed him and he didn't respond back but they both like each other. What really upsets me is that he only told me all this later and was not very forthright about the kind of communication that was going on between them. He would always be very shifty and wary whenever I was near his phone. He also says that he does not love me anymore but that I will hold a special place in his heart. He wants us to still be friends and be in touch and that everything doesn't have to end badly. I'm not very much in favor of this as it is already becoming very difficult for me, knowing that I still love him even though he doesn't. I don't know what to do. I hate that he cheated on me but he doesn't even love me anymore. Another grouse he has that we did not have sex because it was too painful for me and that he can't stay like this! I can't take this anymore and think I will break down any day.
A. You do know what to do - let go. If a man says he doesn't love you anymore and you stay around for more hurt, it's no wonder you feel like breaking down. I think this guy is mixing up love with `in love.' He's probably infatuated with this girl and certainly he didn't handle the matter very sensitively or honestly. Don't let him make excuses about his behavior. If he was dissatisfied, he should've talked to you instead of taking up with another girl. If you can't take the situation anymore, then don't. You need to look after yourself instead of expecting him to save you. He's moved on. Be glad it's all out in the open. If you don't want to just be friends, say no. Things can always change in the future.
Part-Time Love
May 31, 2011
Q. My boyfriend and I have been going out for 18 months. We are not living together but feel that we should take the next step, I am 29 and he is 33. We get along really well. The problem is that when I bring up the topic, his response is that he will not move in with any girl before marriage. We don't see each other during the week, I am having to drive to his place so I feel that I am constantly making the effort and that this is a part-time relationship. What should I do? I feel that he is making excuses, I do not want to throw away a potentially good relationship but how do I know that he is ever going to commit?
A. There are really two separate issues here. First, you need to get to the bottom of his reluctance to move in with you. Is it for religious reasons? Or financial? Or emotional? You seem ready to take the relationship to the next level. If he isn't, fair enough but it's reasonable to ask why. Regardless of whether you live together or not, one of the key ingredients of a healthy relationship is consideration and respect for each other. So, if you feel you're being taken advantage of, you need to set some new guidelines between the two of you, such as your not doing most of the work. A part-time relationship can still be meaningful and committed if the time you do have together is good. Try not to judge the quality of this relationship on how much you see each other and I certainly don't think you should throw it away just yet. Ask questions, get clear and assert your own needs. Only if things still don't improve after that, should you question the validity of this guy's feelings.
Nagging Money Worries
May 17, 2011
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for over two years, and we love each other very much. Although we live together, we are financially independent and do not talk at all really about money issues. We split everything from dinners to rent. He was in flight-school training, which is quite expensive, and his parents had secured him a very hefty loan. Over the summer months he hardly flew, and I sensed that he was changing his mind about his career choice, although he didn't admit it. Now that autumn is coming, he cannot fly and will have to wait until next spring to finish his training. During this whole time he hasn't been working and he's been "eating through" his parents' loan money. He's told me before not to worry and that it's not really my business, but I can't help but make judgments about him that he's being irresponsible and lazy. Not to mention his parents who went to great lengths to get that money. To be fair, he does not have permanent resident status in the country, though it has not stopped him in the past from finding work. I'm concerned that my judgments are tainting the relationship, but is it really any of my business?
A. On the one hand, you say that you two don't share finances but yet you want to have a say in his affairs. You must see that's not reasonable. Perhaps the problem is occurring because you haven't been honest with each other about the status of your relationship. After two years, shouldn't you be sharing more than just the superficial things? You seem to know about his financial arrangements but you disapprove. It's time for more openness between you. Tell him your feelings but without attacking or criticising. Make some positive suggestions. Ask him about his future plans. You have a right to offer your opinion on his life if you are to stay with him. But you don't have the right to judge him or pressure him into doing what you think he should. Also, his arrangements with his parents are between them. You really need to decide your priorities and what you want from this man. Then be prepared to work at it - both of you!
Can't Rekindle The Flame
May 3, 2011
Q. My ex and I broke up almost 10 months ago after he was seeing an Asian backpacker who was working where he did (apparently there was no sleeping together). We were together for almost 3 years, so the break up was quite messy. He moved out, she moved in with him, then after a month, she moved back home overseas. Four months later, he tried contacting me again saying he misses me. After sticking to my guns and ignoring his constant messages, I gave in and we began talking again. For the last 6 months we've talked almost every day through text message. But the problem is, we are friends for a bit then we start fighting and ignoring each other and this has been happening over and over again. The thing is, I don't trust him anymore. I try talking things through with him but he's not a great communicator and gets angry. I feel he just wants to forget what he did and thinks I should do the same. I've asked why he did what he did and he said he was scared of settling down so quickly. We love each other but I'm not sure if too much damage has been done for us even to be friends again. We have a great connection and chemistry. We have lots of fun when we are together but when it comes to the 'what next?' question and dealing with the past, everything falls to pieces. In the early days I made the mistake of sleeping with him and felt very used. I've avoided this ever since. I don't want to be hurt again. What should i do?
I would really appreciate any advice you could pass on.
A. You're wise to not return to a sexual relationship till the rest is settled. It's always challenging, as you say, after a breakup, to restore trust and positive feelings. The secret is to let things take as long as they need and not try to rush back to what you had before. In fact, you can't really go back to the old relationship but need to build a new one based on what you've learned. If you enjoy each other, why not let that be the main concern for now? If either of you tries to push future plans too much, that's what will cause tension and make it more difficult to get to a good place. The trust part is your responsibility because he made a mistake and you agreed to give him a second chance which means not bringing up the past. Can you do that? If you don't think you can, you may as well give up now but if you sincerely mean to try, then you need to be patient with yourself. Just let things happen naturally.
I'm Gonna Lose Him!
April 19, 2011
Q. I have seriously fallen in love with a man who will be getting married in the next 4 weeks. He's in love with me as much as I love him but he is not willing to go on with our love because his marriage is near and he doesn't want to disrupt it. I am so much in love with this man to the extent that I fear I will not be able to marry any man if he doesn't marry me. I don't really know why but I feel so strongly that he belongs to me.
Seriously I feel that I am losing my GOLD to another woman.
This thing is really eating me up.
A. I'm really sorry but there's nothing you can do. This guy was never yours to begin with and even if he loves you, he's obviously not willing to give up his marriage. That's his choice. There might be many reasons behind his decision. What you need to focus on now is letting go and moving on with your own life. You have to believe that you will love again - no question. We can all love many times so whatever your age, trust that you'll be okay. It might take a while for you to heal from this disappointment but there will be a new day if you allow it. This guy might be `gold' but he's not the only man who's great. Give someone else a chance. The feeling that he belongs to you may come from a past life if you believe in reincarnation. Right now, wish him luck and love and let go.
Forgiveness
April 5, 2011
Q. I am a 29 year old male who has only ever had sex twice in my life. Believe it. My fiancé is 35 and has a ten year old son. She has had about ten different sexual partners in her lifetime and so has told me that she has had plenty of sex in all sorts of crazy positions, been on the pill for other blokes etc. Now, she had a very bad sexual experience ten years ago, became a Christian and has not had sex since her son was born. I have never had sex with her because I respect her vow, but at the same time it really, really frustrates me and makes me resent her because I feel humiliated by it and envious of blokes whose girlfriends will have sex with them. I hate being held out of the same level of physical connection with her that she has given condom free even, to other men. She wants to try natural family planning after we are married rather than the pill which again makes me resent that she has had plenty of unbridled sex with other men in the past but won’t with me as her husband. It absolutely infuriates me but I feel like I must be being irrational. I love her so damn much and she loves me enough to want to marry me and I think not having sex with her proves my depth of devotion but sometimes I feel so bitterly resentful of her even though I shouldn’t. Is it wrong and completely insensitive and nasty for me to feel this way, because as a non Christian, I would never let her feel resentment against me for the sake of a god or anything else in life.
A. I don't think this is a religious issue. It's more about forgiveness, compassion and acceptance, all crucial relationship skills, whether you're a Christian or not. This girl's past is not your business - only the present and future. You can't ask her to undo any of her history. She's learned from her mistakes and is living her life differently. You should be proud of her for that instead of being so judgmental and resentful. The main person you're hurting is yourself and I strongly suggest that you sort out your feelings before you get married because as things currently stand, it's a pretty poor foundation for a life together. I totally get that it must be very hard to be without sex when you love someone a lot but love is about giving, not self. Your feelings aren't wrong, just unwise. Stop obsessing, stay focused on the positives in your life and look forward to the future.
Love and Business
March 22, 2011
Q. My GF and I are great, we have a great relationship, and we are partners in everything, except in business. Here's the thing, we have this buy and sell thing going on, it started out great, it's doing great still. We just have problems raking in the money. Earlier, we got into this huge fight and I callously blurted out that we should never, EVER, do business with each other. Money could be a potential reason for a breakup, and I definitely do not want that. She's more important to me than money or business. Next came the silent treatment. I said it because she lets our client pay less than what was agreed in the first place (the customer in this story is one of her closest friends and at the same time her workmate). Her friend would still pay the whole amount (it is in terms) but since he (the friend) deposited more than half, she lets him pay less this month than what was agreed at the onset of the transaction. This has been going on since way back. She did not understand my point that it does not make it ok because the terms were already formalized. So now she thinks I'm a heartless dude, the type Robin Hood despises for not caring enough for those who have little. And I think she's careless and lenient about money. My point is that we have to separate ourselves and our friends in this, because it is business. It would not survive if we are not serious and committed. Did I do the right thing?
A. Couples often fight about money, mainly because each person has a different philosophy towards it. When you're in business together, that's an added complication. It simply won't work if you don't set up ground rules and both keep to them. Giving a friend a discount is fine but once terms are agreed, they should be adhered to. That's where your partner went wrong. Also, she should've consulted you and not taken it upon herself to make business decisions independently. Without anger or yelling, talk this over. Tell her to be firmer with her friend regarding payment and insist that you make joint arrangements in future. It doesn't mean you lack compassion or are being too hard - as you say, it's just business.
Cybersex Cheat
March 8, 2011
Q. I'm 23 years old and have been in a big dilemma for quite sometime now. I have been in a relationship for the last 4 years and my boyfriend had been very truthful, faithful and good to me. He tells me everything in his personal life. He never hides from me if he is infatuated by any girl or if he is flirting with someone. Now, since the past four months back he has been flirting with a girl via the internet. This time, for the first time in our relationship, he has gone to the extent of exchanging raunchy messages and having web sex with her! They exchange semi-nude pics of themselves. He says he can't stop it. He says that I shouldn't feel bad 'cos he is not going to ever meet her or sleep with her in reality. Initially he used to show me all his mails but now after I expressed my objection, he had created a new account which he uses exclusively for this girl. He keeps chatting with her all the time and now the girl says that she is in love with him and doesn't want to lose him. On his part he says that he is not in love with her. However he pampers her a lot. In spite of all that he says, I've lost trust in him and I'm emotionally hurt. I'm greatly confused! I really can't understand what's happening and my head is reeling. Should I walk out on him even if that is very difficult for me at this time?
A. In short, yes. He is not paying you any respect at all. I'm a great believer in second chances but he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and has no intention of quitting. Even if he did, what's to say he wouldn't continue it in secret or start up with another girl later? A bit of flirting fun is one thing but he's gone way too far with this current situation. He needs to grow up and if he doesn't value you, find someone who does. I wouldn't even discuss it further - just go! Sure it will hurt but aren't you hurting now? Respect yourself and take the first step towards a new and better day.
Why Am I Paranoid?
February 22, 2011
Q. I am 20 years old, dating a 28 year old man. We have been together for about a year. He has all the qualities I am looking for in a man. I love to spend time with him and am miserable when we are apart. Despite these good aspects, I have trust issues. For no reason at all, I just don't trust him. I feel insecure and worry that he finds other women more attractive than me and I have paranoid delusions that he is cheating on me, thinking about it or will do so in the future. Because of this, I get mad at him over the smallest of things so we have huge, awful fights all the time. I am controlling and nervous around him. Part of me knows my behavior is totally ridiculous, then, another part of me feels like I should trust my 'intuition'. What I want to know is if I should end the relationship. I feel like I can't change my negative thoughts and beliefs. And our fighting and my controlling behavior is making him unhappy too. My concern is that I would never meet someone I like as much again and that we are actually meant to be and that I need to get over my problems. Also, what if I am just like this with every guy I date? On the other hand, all this could be a sign that we are 'not meant to be' and that there is someone better suited to me out there somewhere.
A. Firstly, these fears and need to control are not coming from your intuition. Our inner wisdom can never lead us wrong whilst the mind is full of faulty information and the heart wants what it wants, whether good for us or not. The best thing you said in your letter is that, if you move on, you could behave the same again. In fact, I can guarantee you would unless you do something about it now. Another guy is definitely not the answer to this problem. You definitely can change your negativity - never doubt that. It will take work and practice. Every time you think a negative thought about yourself, him, another or a situation, just neutralize it. For example, `I'm so stupid' can be changed to `I'm not stupid, I did a silly thing.' If you keep at this, over time, your feelings will change. If this guy really loves you, ask him to hang in with you. Show him you sincerely want to change and ask for his support. Trust is difficult for a lot of people. I will send you an article I've just written on the subject.
Can't Trust Him
February 8, 2011
Q. I am 24 and my boyfriend is turning 31 this year. We are living together with our 6 year old. We have been together for 7 years now and we have issues in the past where it wasn't dealt with. Every time we fight it always brings up everything that happened in the past. I'm at the point in life where I want to get married, and he seems not to be in the same space. The main issues that I cannot get through is trust, I don't trust him which makes everything so hard to manage. I love him and really want to build a life with him. How do I get him to understand how I feel and that I truly want us to work? He's complaining that I don't give him much time to spend with his friends and me doubting him every time makes me not want to be with me. I do understand that he has to be with his friends but I hate it when he doesn't sleep at home.
A. It's very important to resolve issues in a relationship as you go along so they don't fester and build resentment. That's what I suggest you do now before you make any decisions. It's not a good idea to even think about marriage until you've settled some of your problems. If you really want to build a life with him, you'll need to put some effort into understanding yourself and him and why you're not in the same space. Why don't you trust him? You don't say. That certainly has to be sorted before you go any further. On the matter of his freedom to see friends, of course he should have that but overnight? That's the way a single man behaves. You two need a serious talk, maybe with a therapist so you can decide whether you want to continue together or not.
Fitness Freak-out
January 27, 2011
Q. I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years. Before that we had been together for about 8 years. We have a two year old son together. Since the birth of our son, he has been really hard on me. What I mean by this, is the fact that he thinks I am out of shape, and makes this very clear. These days, he barely says anything to me, except to ask if I went to the gym today, and what I ate today. I usually have to hide what I eat from him. He will go through my bedside table and look for wrappers, etc. I go to the gym almost every day. I recently told him that i don’t have a friend in him anymore; his response was that once I am in shape, he will make me the happiest wife ever. I am 5’6, and weigh 130lbs. Is this abuse?
A. The short answer is yes. If a man said that to me, I'd tell him to jump in the lake! What we need from our partners is support and sure, sometimes, a dose of harsh reality but not to this extent. Try thanking him for helping you stay motivated but tell him to back off the pressure and criticism. After childbirth, it is difficult to get your former shape back and you're obviously doing your best. Remind him that you gave him a child and you don't want to be punished for it. I agree that you seem to have lost your best friend. True friends don't judge us on appearance, style, fashion, weight etc, and love is never conditional. If he can't love you now, he doesn't love you at all. Refuse this treatment or it will continue until you will have lost not only a friend but a husband.
Cybersex Addiction
January 11, 2011
Q. I have been in a relationship for the last 4 years and my boyfriend had been very truthful, faithful and good to me. He tells me everything in his personal life (or so I think so). He never hides from me if he is infatuated by any girl or if he is flirting with someone.
Now, since the past four months back he has been flirting with a girl via the internet. This time, for the first time in our relationship, he has gone to the extent of exchanging raunchy messages and having web sex with her! They exchange semi-nude pics of themselves. He says he can't stop it. He says that I shouldn't feel bad 'cos he is not going to ever meet her or sleep with her in reality. Initially he used to show me all his mails but now after I expressed my objection, he has created a new account which he uses exclusively for this girl. He keeps chatting with her all the time and now the girl says that she is in love with him and doesn't want to lose him. On his part he says that he has never admitted to her of his love and says that he is not in love with her. However he pampers her a lot. In spite of all that he says, I've lost trust in him and I'm emotionally hurt. Should I walk out of him even if that is very difficult for me at this time?
A. There doesn't seem to be anything confusing about your situation. It's crystal clear to me that it's simply not acceptable. I get a lot of mail about exes/friends of the opposite sex and my attitude generally is that people should have a right to their own choice of friends but this bloke of yours is taking things far too far. He's disrespecting you and you're letting him! My feeling is that this situation started innocently enough but has now changed and he can't stop it - he's totally addicted. He hasn't been fair to either you or the other girl. Now that she has declared her feelings, he should put an end to the friendship if he wants to stay with you. I'm not surprised you're finding it so hard to cope. If he won't stop this behavior altogether, I don't think you have any choice but to end the relationship. Of course it will be painful but what you're going through now isn't exactly a walk in the park. Either way, you need to think about yourself a bit more.
Seduced By Excitement
December 20, 2010
Q. I am a 30 year old unmarried woman. I am in a 2 year old relationship which I am quite happy and content with. I am planning to get married to him in the next 2 -3 months. This has been a long distance relationship. We talk over the phone and have met for over 2 months only, but I am very comfortable with this. He is one of the finest human beings I have ever met, mature and nice. Now, I met a colleague at work few weeks back. Everything was normal until we went to lunch and decided to take a long drive. It was very nice. I get along with him very well. I could be myself and enjoyed the time a lot with him. He is everything I ever wanted my man to be. I find a few qualities in him which I don't have in my boyfriend. He is confident, flamboyant, cool and fun to be with. He is almost near perfect for me. But I do not know about his morals and core values and he also seems to be quite rich. I come from an upper middle class family and am very comfortable with my middle class values as well. I don't believe in sleeping with someone on a first date while he thinks it's okay. There could be huge difference in our values. But there is a spark between us and I am very attracted to him. While with my boyfriend it is laidback and calm, it's full of excitement with him. Therefore I am naturally drawn to him. This new friend of mine tells me he is serious about me in pursuing this and there won't be any problem with family or any other matter and we could be excitedly happy with each other. We both are from the same background, language and culture. I don't know what I want. While I was happy with my relationship, with him coming into my life, I have started feeling that I am missing something in my relationship. But I am neither very convinced to go along with this new friend because it's too early and I don't know how we might turn out to be. I have to make a decision soon as my boyfriend will be coming to see me next month and we are planning to get engaged. Can you help me understand this whole thing? I don't know. I am confused. Please help me.
A. The secret of happiness is to know what you want, whether it's right or wrong. As long as you stay confused, you will not be able to make clear, positive decisions. Both these guys seem to have a lot to offer so that's not helping you. What you need to weigh up is which one will make you happier on a long-term basis. You say you don't know what makes good partner material. Well, I can tell you it's not charm and excitement - it's honesty, dependability and common values. I realize that this situation has cultural undertones but no-one should get married, or even engaged, whilst there's so much doubt. You should spend more time with the first guy so you can compare and sense which guy you feel more comfortable with. I'm not trying to minimize your dilemma. It's a very serious matter and deserves due consideration. Don't be seduced by either a safe choice, number one, or the exciting option, number two. Use your intuition and good sense, love yourself enough to pick the right man.
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