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 The Dating Doctor
The Dating Doctor, Serena Mackesy, brings her hard-won dating wisdom to bear on your problems. You can drop Serena a line about your own dating conundrums and catch up with her words of wisdom here every week. Read her latest advice here.
Sex Obsessed
January 2, 2007
AS writes:
I have been dating this guy for 10 months. Within that time I've found pornos in his house. When I told him, he got embarrassed and didn't talk to me for 3 days. Then I found porn and escort websites on the computer and Viagra pills. I found his phone bill, which showed that he is also calling 900 numbers, though he denied it when I confronted him. Before me, he was single for 4 years. I ask him if he is happy and he says yes. If he doesn't want to break up why is he looking at porn and calling 900 numbers? I just don't understand. If he has me, what is the problem? Should I be worried? What should I do? Or is he just being curious?
Right, a general point before we get on to your specific situation. Lots and lots of people, male and female, continue to masturbate, however happy their relationship and however much actual, real, unpixellated sex they're getting. So people shouldn't necessarily worry about it or feel threatened or interpret it as indicative of problems in the sack. People masturbate for lots of reasons: to relieve boredom, to exercise their imaginations, to fill in the time before the football starts. Cracking one off is not infidelity.
Necessarily.
You don't really need to be asking me about this, do you? A couple of jazz-sites and even the odd 900-number is one thing, but escorts? Viagra? Look, loads of people liven up the otherwise-routine shag by imagining they're Doing It with Keanu Reeves, Donatella Versace, Dick Cheney, that chick they're all saying is Britney Spears, whoever; but there's a world of difference between a fantasy fuck and exploring the possibilities with people who you know genuinely would get it on with you, because you would pay them. And though I've heard plenty of interesting stories about Viagra, I've never, ever heard of it as a masturbatory aid. "Viagra helps me frott myself for hours". Hmm. It's not exactly the shoutline for their next advertising campaign, is it? Maybe he needs the Viagra to get it up generally, but the fact that he's not shared that fact in 10 months, even when confronted with the evidence, doesn't say a lot for his communication skills, does it?
On top of all that, let's face it, if you're checking his phone bills and going through his web history, trust between you is at absolute zero, wouldn't you say? And you're clearly not someone who's comfortable with all this, or you wouldn't be worrying about it. And you're not exactly enthusing along the "everything's great between us but..." lines, either, are you? How many signs do you need? If he's this much of a wanker after ten months (and ten months after a four-year drought, at that), he's hardly going to be Mr Sharing after ten years, is he?
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