This is actually a problem that afflicts both sexes. There are just as many women as men who don't want to take on a ready-made family. If there's an apparent disparity, it's in that more women have resident children, and weekend children are far less daunting than 24/7 ones. In evolutionary terms, men should be less worried about taking on a woman with children (she's clearly fertile and capable of ensuring the survival of offspring) than vice versa, although his primate self might, ahem, be tempted to kill them at the first opportunity to make room for his own, of course.

We are more than our primate selves, though, and, in a world where reproduction is a choice, I'm afraid that having done so does make you less easily marketable on the dating scene. There are lots of reasons: people (male and female) fear that children will be an economic burden; they fear that the relationship will be damaged by them; they fear that their freedom will be curtailed by their existence. They feel, in short, everything that people contemplating parenthood fear, without the genetic imperative. But you're not unmarketable by any means. Many men like children and have the ability to be adaptable. Some, however, are scary and have control issues and should be avoided for the children's sake - but as you yourself have said, they aren't hard to spot.

As for the hit-and-run merchants: sorry, but I don't buy it. There are promiscuous people looking for a quickie without giving a damn about the other person's feelings everywhere. The only difference is that they can use your kids as their get-out clause rather than the many, many other excuses they would use if you were childless. By accepting this you're cooperating with them and actually teaching yourself to resent your children rather than seeing the greedy behavior for what it is. Either jump into the pool and use these people back to get your rocks off, or take a bit more time before you get sexually involved. But don't turn yourself into a victim by accepting the lie at face value.

As to when to tell them: straight up, immediately. You might as well sort the wheat from the chaff, even if it does give you the illusion that you're fishing in a smaller pool. And anyway, someone who gets involved with a parent is taking on a relationship with the whole family. If they get involved with someone who neglects to share this fundamental angle on the relationship, it would be perfectly reasonable for them to feel they'd got involved with a liar.

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