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 The Dating Doctor
The Dating Doctor, Serena Mackesy, brings her hard-won dating wisdom to bear on your problems. You can drop Serena a line about your own dating conundrums and catch up with her words of wisdom here every week. Read her latest advice here.
Just A Friend?
January 23, 2007
GB writes:
I have been in a relationship for over 10 years - and living together for 9-1/2 of those. Just before Christmas I found out he had been seeing another girl, (and I mean girl: she is 22 and he is 35). He claims that they are only friends, and that nothing sexual is involved. They met at therapy, and he says she understands his issues as they are both going through the same thing - which I understand.
My problem is that he has been lying to me about this for over 6 months. I know he has now come clean about it, but in the beginning of our relationship I asked him to never lie to me and this he promised. I have lost all trust in what he says to me. He also (now, after six months) wants me to be friends with this person. I have met her on a couple of occasions and do not really like her. I really have nothing in common with her. I find her immature. I also know that it is difficult for me to like her, given that my partner lied to me about her. He has said that he lied to me because he knew I wouldn't understand nor let him be friends with her, which I think is an excuse and a selfish attitude. When I discuss leaving, he says that he can't live without me and would commit suicide. I know suicide is a decision he makes and I cannot live with him just because of this reason, but it still does play on your conscience.
My partner now wants us to marry and I really want to, it is something that I have always wanted and have put on hold for him to get through his "issues". He has even told our families and friends that is what we are doing. I love him to death, but feel that I really cannot get over him lying to me, as this is something that I have huge issues with. I feel once bitten, twice shy. I know he has lied about how much they were seeing each other and how much they were talking. He spends nearly every day with her whilst I am at work, and I feel like I am now "second fiddle". I feel like she is his girlfriend and not me. He also tells me that I should just get over it and embrace her - which I cannot. He also keeps telling me he will give me the emotional support that I crave, but that never seems to happen.
I am not sure how to react. I love this man, but he has broken a huge trust for me and I don't know if I could ever trust him again. I really am at a loss as to what to feel or think.
Poor you. This is a stinking situation and you have my sympathy. Of all the problems that assault relationships, lying has to be the most difficult to get over, as, once a major lie has been uncovered, it's very difficult for the injured party to place themselves into trusting that anything they've been told is the truth. Particularly when, as is the case with you and your partner, and as is very common in situations like this, they find themselves being blamed for the partner's decision to lie in the first place. This is a profoundly unfair position to be in, even if there is a grain of truth involved. An adult, if they feel they're being driven to a behaviour, should attempt to discuss the problem rather then resorting to subterfuge and blame. That's childish. It's the behaviour of a kid. He needs to understand that.
There are a number of issues you need to address here, and they're separate, even though they all add up to one big problem. Firstly: intense relationships formed during therapy are generally speaking a pretty bad idea, which is why they are discouraged. It's a common misconception among people who are struggling with issues that only someone who shares those issues can understand them. On the whole, people are not in therapy because they "understand" their problems. They may have recognised that they have them, but that's not the same thing as having come to grips with them. Group therapy - and I assume that it's some group therapy situation that's brought these two together in the first place - can be a marvellous thing, but it only works if it's being led, carefully and thoughtfully, by someone who knows what they're doing. Without this crucial factor, it's just a bunch - or in this case a pair - of people wallowing about.
Secondly, I'm just not sure about this girl. Your partner may well believe, truthfully, that there are no other agendas, but I think you have a right to be suspicious. Of course, it's possible for people of different genders to have healthy, non-sexual relationships, but the fact of the matter is that they need very careful handling where other people are concerned. Even if she has nothing in common with you, it is absolutely her responsibility, as the incomer to your situation, to go out of her way to have friendly interactions with you and make efforts to reassure you that she is not a threat. If she's not prepared to do that, then I would say that you were justified in being suspicious of her motives. I know 22 seems young to you now, but it's not: she's been a fully qualified adult for a number of years, and needs to engage with the responsibilities as well as the privileges of adulthood. The young are often pretty good at demanding that people older than them baby them and make allowances for their youth, but there comes a point when it just won't wash.
Thirdly, I don't know: ten years. It's a hell of a long time, and has clearly been a time of massive emotional strain, even without this added factor. I think you need to do some deep soul-searching of your own. Are you absolutely certain you're still there because of love? Not because of habituation? Of a sense of duty that you've assumed for both of you? Because you're so used to living like this that you don't know how you would live any other way? Long-term relationships are, of course, very demanding. Their survival requires dedication, generosity, understanding, patience, tolerance - on both sides. This knowledge, though, can trap people in untenable situations where they are applying all of these things and getting little but the gradual erosion of their self-esteem in return. I can't judge which your relationship is, of course I can't: but I think you need to find this out for yourself.
Don't, whatever you do, succumb to this "well, I'll marry you, it's what you've always wanted" bribery at this moment. You may well end up getting marriage, and getting a happy, healthy, fulfilling marriage, but your relationship is clearly not in a fit state for marriage right now. I think, to be honest, that your best bet is also therapy. A ten-year relationship simply can't be deconstructed in a short time. The best solution of all would be if your partner were willing to enter couples therapy with you, but, if he won't - and it may be that the therapy he's already involved in is as much as he can cope with at the moment - that shouldn't stop you going and having some for yourself. Hate to say it, but relationship therapy is as much about finding out whether you should stay at all as about how to make things work, and it seems clear to me that you need a proper, dispassionate ear to help you work that out for yourself.
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