|
 The Dating Doctor
The Dating Doctor, Serena Mackesy, brings her hard-won dating wisdom to bear on your problems. You can drop Serena a line about your own dating conundrums and catch up with her words of wisdom here every week. Read her latest advice here.
He Says He's Changed
February 27, 2007
Penny writes:
My boyfriend has always been unreasonably critical and we've broken up over it several times. The most recent breakup lasted over a month, but now he's back, because he says he's realized how much I mean to him, how wonderful I am and how lucky he is to have me. He swears he's changed, and he's making real efforts to be nicer to me and more appreciative. The problem is this: he's never really got on with my family and friends, but now, after this latest breakup, they all dislike him quite openly, and social occasions are so awkward that I feel I have to keep them apart. He feels very angry about it, says he thinks my friends are very unsupportive and he has a point. All his friends have been nothing but nice to me, have welcomed me with open-heartedness and warmth and been unafraid to show it. What's wrong with my friends? Why can't they just be there for me?
OK, let's get this straight: everyone you know and who knows you - your friends and your family - dislike this man. Not one of them likes him? And they are the problem? You're not a lifelong member of an exclusive and bigoted religious sect by any chance, are you? No? Mmm.
Presumably you have expected your friends to "be there for you" every time you've broken up with him? Rung them in the small hours? Exposed them to excruciating detail of every flaw in his character and every nasty thing he's ever done to you? Expected them to drop everything to "be there for you" when you wanted their attention? Turned round and told them to butt out when you've changed your mind?
Well, stop treating your friends and family so badly. If just one or two people had this attitude, you would be within your rights to shrug your shoulders and see it as natural attrition. But when it's everyone? Seriously? Everyone you know disagrees with you and they are wrong? Your friends are human beings, not automata, and cannot be expected to change their world view every time your personal whim dictates. Someone who is concerned for your welfare, if they repeatedly hear that someone treats you badly, will form the view that that person is Not A Good Thing. To accuse them of being unsupportive because you choose to persist in what they probably, by this time, see as damaging behavior is, frankly, pretty contemptible. People who abuse their friends no more deserve to keep those friendships than abusive partners deserve to keep their lovers.
Stop holding other people responsible for your relationship problems. If he's really "changed", then time, and evidence that he now makes you happy, will do their own work on your FAFs' attitudes. If he hasn't, then you'd damn well better make sure you've got a few friends left. Two bits of warning, on top: "I've changed" is pretty much the abuser's mantra, along with "I promise I won't do it again". And a typical abuser will absolutely have an agenda which involves cutting his/her victim off from her/his support systems, or, even more effective, helping them choose to cut themselves off. Sounds to me like you're walking into a potentially abusive situation with your fingers in your ears going "lalala, I'm not listening". Sorry, but I'm right behind your friends and family.
Read Serena's latest advice here.
|
