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 The Dating Doctor
The Dating Doctor, Serena Mackesy, brings her hard-won dating wisdom to bear on your problems. You can drop Serena a line about your own dating conundrums and catch up with her words of wisdom here every week. Read her latest advice here.
Why Am I Dating A Miser?
December 4, 2006
Donatella writes:
We had several dinners, which seemed to go extremely successfully. Then, six dates in, when the bill came, he picked it up and told me how much it was. Clearly, he wanted me to pay half. I was, frankly, shocked. I pointed out to him that the date had already cost me a significant amount that men don't have to pay - dress, shoes, facial, hair, manicure, let alone all the other long-term costs of day-to-day maintenance - but he was insistent. He asked me out, so surely he should have paid?
I don't know, Donatella. You're either being a bit naive or a tad dishonest. Can you honestly put your hand on your heart and say that, if it weren't for the necessity to go on dates, you would happily spend your days and nights in a stained dressing-gown?
The who-pays thing is becoming increasingly fraught as gender roles become less defined - though a recent study did find that only 6 percent of British women would be happy to be the primary breadwinner in a relationship, which gives a certain pause for thought. And it's true that there are a number of men who want a woman to be an expensive accessory and indicator of his wealth - like a gold bangle. And a number of women are more than happy to take their status from being kept as such. History is littered with examples of powerful men buying themselves enormous harems (and thereby giving their offspring a firm grip on the gene pool) in the manner of alpha-gorillas, so, though this is largely a societal construct, there's some evidence that it's quite deep-rooted in the human psyche.
However, back in the real world, it was only when we (well, some of us) began to amass wealth that the idea of women as non-contributory chattels began to take root. Neolithic women didn't sit about filing their nails while the menfolk were out slaughtering mammoths; after all, given the shorter lifespan of the average hunter, the gatherer element was always of vital importance to the survival of the species. Now that we are returning (and remember, the helpless dependence of women was always a luxury of the moneyed groups) to a more representative situation, it's only fair that women should be stumping up something towards their dates as well.
Seriously. Unless you're looking for a man to keep you, in which case you should be limiting your social circle quite severely, you could try wearing the same dress twice and putting the money towards your dinner. It's just not fair on men that they should be expected to pay for everything. The bottom line is that anyone, male or female, who isn't prepared to at least occasionally pay their way - or more importantly, to put their hand in their pocket and, within the confines of their budget, make some gesture of generosity - is probably well worth steering clear of. And that includes you.
Read Serena's latest advice here.
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