LG writes:
We met a few weeks ago and got on like the proverbial house on fire. We have the same sense of humor, same outlook on life, similar levels of ambition, similar thoughts about children, and he clearly enjoys my company as much as I enjoy his. This guy is perfect husband material. There's just one thing. I've realized that I just don't fancy him. There's no one thing in particular. He's clean, reasonably good-looking, doesn't dress like a tramp or have any offputting habits. I just don't fancy him. I wish I did, but I don't. Is it possible to train yourself to fancy someone? I know the advocates of arranged marriage say you can.
Let me tell you something that's not very often shared, LG. In countries where the penalties don't involve things like stoning or having acid flung in your face, divorce runs at a higher level among arranged marriages than among those who use the chaotic random method. So I wouldn't take the advice of its advocates as being particularly bang on the nose. Besides, I would say that this attitude is probably based on a confusion between sex and love. Absolutely, you can learn to love someone; we all do it, all the time.
But fancying someone? Nu-huh. Sexual attraction is largely a matter of chemicals. It's thought, for instance, that our sense of smell plays a more important role in attraction than Darwin et al thought. We don't go about throwing urine on each other, but the kiss is, in fact, a modification of a primate sniffing behavior which can be seen throughout humanity in differently-formalized forms.
In fact, it was only quite recently that the same vomeronasal organ that other animals have was finally discovered inside the human nose, though it seems that most of the time we are picking up scents unconsciously. It's thought, for instance, that men can smell when a woman is ovulating. Most important of all, though, is the fact that we can very probably recognize which diseases our potential partners are genetically immune to, which, obviously, if these genes were combined, would give our offspring a significant advantage.
I'm afraid you will probably never really learn to fancy this man, however strong the will. It's certainly possible to be convinced by someone else's enthusiasm for a bit, and even enjoy having sex with them, but this fundamental lack of attraction will almost inevitably resurface once the first flush of endorphin high wears off. But you know what? There's still not enough friendship between the sexes in our sad little world. You can never have too many soul-mates. And maybe one of your friends will give him a sniff and give you a bouncing healthy godchild in the fullness of time.
Read Serena's latest advice here.
The Dating Doctor