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25 September 2006
Putting The Hype Into Hypochondria
by Serena Mackesy
Are you healthy? Are you sure? Little twinges anywhere? Had a cold lately? A little bit pre-menstrual? Well, then, as far as the World Health Organization (WHO) is concerned, you're not healthy at all, and nor are six billion other people. I suppose there might be the odd well-off pre-pubescent who hasn't grazed their knee lately, but it won't last. Because the WHO defines health as "a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity." Another example of good intentions paving the way to hell.
Because while it's a fine, even admirable sentiment and statement of intent; it's also an unreachable goal. The body doesn't work like that. Life doesn't work like that. Even if we were to solve the question of ageing (which would cause something of an overcrowding problem) and wiped out infective bacteria and viruses (thereby probably causing an eco-disaster of unprecedented proportions), we're never going to solve the problem of accidents, major or minor. I mean, there you are: you've finally attained that perfect physical, mental and social harmony and - oops - you stub your toe. It hurts like buggery. Are you unhealthy? Yes, according to the WHO.
This isn't an attack on the WHO, though. Societies desperately need people who cling to ideals, as well as ideals for them to cling to. There's nothing like a utopian vision to fuel you through the day-to-day grind of vaccinating against smallpox. But at the macrocosmic level, this expectation that such a state of affairs could be achievable is a serious problem, because despite the fact that we live longer, healthier, easier, safer, more pain-free lives than we ever have before, our perception of our own wellbeing is being eroded on a daily basis.
Hypochondria, it seems, is the order of the day. And it's a far greater threat to our pleasure in life than the realities of illness, drug side-effects and hygiene problems. It's a heady combination of factors - advertising, hysterical government "initiatives" to warn us of the dangers that lurk round every corner, the perception that the rich lead richer lives and that aping the behaviors of the rich and famous will enrich our own and, yes, the media elements that thrive on selling bad news and scare stories – that have combined to give the impression that the natural state for humankind is that of the energized, laughing, saddle-bag-free people in the soda adverts. We are increasingly convinced that any other state - being knackered after work, having a bit of a headache, being a bit sore-throaty - is symptomatic of some deeper malaise that we must Fear And Take Action Against.
Take food intolerance, for instance. In the past week, I've come across three wheat intolerants, four dairy and one rice. Each of them claimed that their life had been revolutionized by purging their own particular taboo. I'm not talking allergies, here, which are a completely different kettle of fish. But there is an increasing level of belief that our food is somehow poisoning us. So now trying to organize a dinner party is a nightmare, and conversations that revolve around it are excruciatingly boring. I feel my own WHO health levels plummet on a daily basis when I have to listen to five minutes of how-much-better-I-feel-since-I-gave-up-caffeine-you-should-do-it-too. Whatever happened to "No, thanks, I won't have a cup."?
Here are some facts about food intolerance. Ninety-nine percent of people who believe that they have a food intolerance, don't. Genuine intolerance to rice is as common as intolerance to wheat. And get this: if you administer allergic scratch tests using plain distilled water in every scratch, the subject will frequently show inflammation in the scratches that they have been told are being administered with a likely allergen/producer of intolerances. Good old placebo effect. It works in many ways (incidentally, the incidence of PMS has rocketed since it was identified as a real syndrome).
Hypochondria is, of course, a form of egotism, and as such is very vulnerable to the blandishments of salespeople. And of course, a lot of current beliefs are based around some sort of twisting of genuine reality. Toxins, for example, are real and some heavy metals do build up and poison us at a cellular level. But how many times in the last year has someone told you that some effect you are feeling from something (a massage, a head-rub, a detox drink) is "the toxins coming out"? Have you ever asked them directly to specifically name just one of these toxins? Are you telling me I have lead poisoning? Rhodium? Then what? Pseudoscience loves to use schmaltzy euphemisms for words that would normally set the alarm bells ringing in your head. Imagine if someone told you your body was full of "poison". You'd get yourself down to emergency in a heartbeat, wouldn't you? But a "toxin" is less powerful than a "poison" isn't it? Something you can treat yourself.
Of course, another close relative of "toxin" is "chemical". "I don't like putting chemicals in my body," is one of the most over-used phrases on the planet; one frequently employed by people whose armpits are fragrant with deodorant and whose houses are rich with the aroma of phthalates. Chemicals, of course, are made in laboratories and are therefore unnatural. Herbal remedies, on the other hand, are usually, well, um, extracted in laboratories and packaged in factories and are totally, um, natural. Hang the fact that your aspirin is a perfect replication of the active ingredients in that willow bark you're chewing. It must be far better to take the REAL THING mustn't it?
But more than anything, so-called natural products give you the chance to air your concerns that you're being poisoned by your environment. Hey, there was that lady in Arkansas who became allergic to absolutely everything; I saw her on TV. And anyway, I've been feeling lethargic lately. I'm sure I didn't used to feel like this when I was a child. When the air was, er, dirtier, actually; and the Great Lakes weren't, er, being cleaned up and returned to a state that can support life and kids were catching polio in the local swimming baths and ending their lives in iron lungs. Oh, dear. Now I'm confused. It's wrong to be confused. It makes me feel... ill at ease. Has anybody got any St John's Wort?
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