Undesirable, unattractive, unwanted - these are some of the unflattering labels sometimes placed on single women, even in the enlightened times of the 21st century. Yet more and more people are choosing to live without a partner and to learn to be complete in their own identity. There's a lot to be said for the singleton adventure, but just in case you need some help, you might find the following tidbits useful.
Is There a Typical Single?
In my 10 years of teaching a course for singles, I can honestly say there is no typical single person, male or female. They come in all shapes, sizes and ages, just like married people. In one of the first-ever classes, there was a lovely, bright 39 year-old lady who announced that she'd never been in a serious relationship, not even short-term. Everyone expressed surprise at this, adding, "How come, when you're so attractive?!" We all realized at once how easily it was to fall into the trap of thinking that if you're attractive, you would automatically be "taken".
Who are Singles?
What creates singles? After all, we do live in a couple-oriented society, so how is it we're not all in relationships? The answer lies in our changing times. In our parents' and grandparents' generations, women got married for life, regardless of their personal choices or careers. Today, women are much more likely to weave in and out of a few serious relationships in their adult lifetimes. This may be by choice or circumstance.
Singles are also formed out of broken marriages, working in one-gender jobs where it's hard to meet would-be partners, staying in the workplace longer and pursuing individual careers. I think it is also fair to say that women don't want to stay in unhappy or unsatisfying marriages anymore. There is so much more choice and change in the modern woman's life that being part of a couple is not the only attractive option.
With choice comes power, and that's what being single is all about - self empowerment - whether it's for a week, a year or 20 years, the important thing is not to see it as a lifestyle forced on you. Never focus on what you lack or that's all you'll end up seeing. Empower yourself to enjoy all that being single means. Members of my class invariably say that even though they may have stayed or become single without making a conscious choice, they all benefited and came to enjoy this state enormously. Terms such as "rediscovering myself", "having time and space to myself", "revisiting the meaning of intimacy" and "getting away from limitation" all reflect a new identity that can be explored when a major life-change occurs. After all, life is constantly growing and changing and we can choose to develop with these various stages in life.
A Definition of "Single"
Does it mean you have never married? Does it mean you live alone? Are you single if you are dating someone regularly? I remember a few years ago when I mentioned being "single" to a new partner and I received a very offended response. "You're not single! You're seeing me!" was the outraged cry. It made me realize that there are now subtle interpretations of being single that were not present a few decades ago when you were either married or single. Single people can be never-married, previously married, temporarily unattached or seeing someone regularly but not in a committed relationship. There are admittedly very few women who want to stay single for ever, most seeing it as an in-between state. That's fine, as long as you aren't desperate to get off the singles wagon, as desperation is like fear - people can sense it a mile off and when you're desperate, you'll either meet unsuitable partners or no one at all.
"Single" is a label, and whilst I prefer to banish all labeling, they're also inevitable in a society that seeks to identify by stereotypes. If we must wear labels then at least let's wear them proudly. Never feel ashamed to be single even if it's not by choice.
Identity is as much a psychological attitude as is our height, gender and marital status. If you've been married for 28 years and suddenly find yourself single, it might take a lengthy transition for you to adjust to this new status and all that it implies.
Social Attitudes
The biggest obstacle to self-esteem for singles is the attitude of those around you, particularly partnered people! I'd like to think that we've passed the era when singles are avoided by couples as dinner guests because they make for an odd number at the table, but my students tell me that this situation still exists. There's also the inevitable fear of married women that the single lady might run off with her husband. It's all pretty silly, isn't it? We should be able to have 7 or 9 at a dinner table if we want, and that can be made up of couples and singles as desired, the only criterion being that they're fun guests. Losing friends after relationship breakdown is also a common complaint. Friends are sometimes forced to choose and they can easily become yet another casualty of separation and divorce. What can you do if you feel victimized by these attitudes? Firstly, remember that self-esteem is your responsibility; if you value yourself, you will command respect no matter what your relationship status.
Being Single
What's good about it? Having total autonomy over your own life, more time for yourself, choices and new challenges, personal growth, more variety and scope in your social life, eating whatever you like whenever you feel like it! The downside? Missing intimacy and a special person to share life with, loneliness, the difficulties of social networking, putting up with negative attitudes.
If you feel as if you have much more of the downside, remember that being with another person isn't easy or idyllic by any means and all the things we like about having a partner presupposes that it's a positive relationship. Let's face it - there is no lonelier place than a marriage when it's going wrong and there is nothing less romantic than divorce. It's the old grass is greener syndrome, isn't it? Well, it never is, so we may just as well enjoy our own experience of life, whatever we're doing or, if we don't like it, set out to change it. If you don't want to be single, look around for a partner. It amazes me how many people complain about lack of romantic interest in their lives but they don't do anything to try and change the situation. You have to get out there, really make an effort and most of all, stay positive. Cynical vibes are contagious and you'll only attract people who are bitter and frustrated by life; hardly suitable companions for a new start in life.
Looking After Yourself
Human beings have a number of needs that should be catered for every day - these include physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual, spiritual and social needs.
Most of us meet our daily physical needs without much thought. Some of course, spend more energy and time exercising than others, keeping fit and taking care of the body.
Emotional needs are met according to temperament. Some women are more naturally emotional and care about their feelings, try to understand their moods, work on personal growth and tune into themselves more.
In our society, most of our intellectual needs are met by our occupations. If you have a job that is mentally taxing, it's good to balance that out by enjoying lighter hobbies, relaxing the mind after work and generally finding balance in this area.
Spiritual needs are the most neglected. If you are religious, you probably feel you are already giving energy to that area of your life but I'm speaking here of the wider definition of being spiritual, which can be expressed in a number of ways other than going to church or belonging to a particular religion. For instance, your spirituality can be expressed by creative pursuits, art, nature, pets, poetry and music. You don't need to make time for being spiritual - you naturally are, so all you need do is allow expression of it; "how" will be your own personal choice.
Funnily enough, being sexual is also a form of spirituality. Again, I mean this in the wider context. In our society, sexuality usually means intercourse, but being sexual is a permanent state and has little connection with the act itself. You can't ever cancel out your sexuality but you can block it very successfully. The obvious question is - if sexual activity is not the only way you can be sexual, what else is there? Again, the things you can do to express spirituality will free up your sexual energies as well. You never need to feel frustrated just because you don't have a current sexual partner. Either engage in self-pleasuring or release energy through a range of life-affirming activities.
Social needs are sometimes the most frustrating and difficult area. Dating protocols may have changed so much that it might be like being turned loose in a foreign land. The safest bet is still honesty and communication. If you're not sure about practical things like who picks up the tab and do you meet at the restaurant, ask and be clear - you won't go far wrong that way. The important thing is to stay involved. Try Internet dating or a dinner club; make up groups to go to the theatre or on picnics; say yes to suggestions even if the offer is not immediately attractive; take classes and courses where you're most likely to meet new friends.
Strategies for Happy Singlehood
Here are some general tips for a positive journey as a single person:
- Don't ever feel that you need to explain or justify being single; be proud.
- Enjoy the journey of being single whether it's short or long, by choice or initially forced on you.
- Stay positive and involved with people.
- If you have come out of a relationship, you might want to grieve and heal for a time; when you're ready, start going out again.
- Don't let your pride stand in the way of accepting or initiating invitations - go for it!
- If you're feeling lonely, don't wait for someone to call you - reach out.
- Don't absorb the negative ideas/beliefs around you.
- See your single life as a time for yourself, to be "selfish" for a while, and grow as an individual.
- Remember that love often taps you on the shoulder when you least expect it, so stay ready.
- Don't accept second best - hold out for what you really want in a relationship.
- Allow your friends to set up blind dates for you with good grace. You never know!
- Never, never come from need when seeking a partner. Hold onto your own completeness and you'll meet another complete person, not someone who expects you to fulfill their needs.
- Never say never - always be open to life's opportunities.
- Become a joiner, seek out groups that allow you to share common interests or learn more about yourself and being single.
Just as we should see each day as an adventure, think of changes, even apparently undesirable ones, in the same light. Being single is just another adventure! Being pushed out of your comfort zone is scary but also exhilarating and liberating. Single, or part of a couple, you are always you and that's more than enough to be happy about.
Related articles:
Reconnecting With Your Sexuality
What Is Love?
Moving On
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