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12 December 2005
Survivor: The Office Christmas Party
by Katherine Burnett-Watson
Christmas office parties bring out the best and the worst in people – the best being the image of your boss drunkenly gyrating on the dance floor to the B52’s Love Shack, and the worst being you drinking 15 eggnogs and then getting caught in the closet making out with Gary from Accounts.
It’s not known as the silly season for nothing, and every year millions of work colleagues drop their carefully maintained façade of maturity and professionalism in a hedonistic display of drunken and disorderly behavior. How many of us have heard stories or seen first-hand the effect office party hijinks has had on an otherwise promising career? We all know the stories of people photocopying their butts and propositioning the boss, and although we don’t want that person to be us, we secretly revel in the thrill that someone will embarrass themselves, and we’re going to be there to see it!
To make sure you’re not the one receiving your pink slip from the office Secret Santa, Aphrodite has some hot tips on enjoying the silly season, without ending up the target of office gossip, or even worse, joining the unemployment line.
Dress
The Christmas party is not the night to expose your early-Christmas-present-to-yourself-lingerie from La Perla or Strumpet and Pink, nor is it a time to throw caution to the wind and go without panties altogether. Sure, we all like a little excitement, but do you really want to end up the star of a faux Mastercard “priceless” ad on the Internet after one too many cocktails and a brave but foolhardy attempt at the limbo competition? Similarly, avoid outfits that require Hollywood tape, feature PVC, or have been seen in a Britney Spears music video.
Week Night Parties
What sort of a Scrooge organizes a party on a work night, without a weekend to recover from the after-effects? Although partying without the promise of a day off the following day, week night parties can be a blessing in disguise. Knowing you have to go to work the next day can be an incentive to go easy on the alcohol, which is worthwhile for too many reasons to count. Drinking less means you’re less likely to indulge in any bar top dancing, make embarrassing and inappropriate comments about your boss’s cozy working relationship with her attractive young male assistant, or compete in the office “guess what color my panties are” competition.
Drinking Tips
- Alternate alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks. That way you’ll drink less overall, and you’ll make it easier for your body to process the alcohol, meaning you won’t get drunk as quickly, or suffer dehydration and a hangover the following morning.
- Finish your drink before starting a new one. Don’t go for refills of an alcoholic drink before you’ve finished it – you’ll never keep track of how many drinks you’ve had.
- Beware the cocktail. Mixed drinks have fantastically naughty names to get a giggle (or grimace) out of us but they’re also a ticket to Drunk Town if you’re too heavy-handed. They’re very tasty, mixed with non-alcoholic mixers to disguise the taste of the alcohol, so it’s easy to drink them quickly. Cocktails also have a higher alcoholic content than wine or champagne, and are bigger than standard drink serves, so you could really be having two or three standard drinks in just one cocktail. Too many of these babies too quickly and it won’t be just the cocktails featuring slippery nipples and screaming orgasms.
Eating
Eat something before you go, even if the party is catered, that way you won’t be ravenously shoveling hors douvres in your mouth while listening to Yvette from Marketing regale you with stories about her recent ski trip to Aspen. You’ll also avoid ruining your make-up that you so meticulously applied (read frantically smeared on in the back seat of the taxi on the way) and getting parsley stuck in your teeth. And if the party organizer is into posh finger foods, you know the only thing to eat will resemble an intricately designed post-post-modern sculpture, and will feature delicacies such as smoked salmon wrapped in tripe or artichoke and beetroot polenta blinis.
All Work and No Play…
Although the work Christmas party might seem like the ideal time to chat casually with the boss about all the hard work you’ve been putting in, a new project you want funding for, or a raise in the New Year, keep a lid on it. Say “hi” to let them know you put in an appearance, make a bit of polite small talk, and leave it at that. They’re there to have a good time too, so don’t blow it by bringing work into the picture. However, if your boss starts to bray on about projections and statistics, feign interest until you can find another sap to take the fall for you. “Oh, there’s Janet! She was telling me how she wanted to hear all about how your kids are doing at college!” should suffice.
Office Romance
How many times have you gotten a bit drunk at a party and decided it would be the perfect time to tell that special someone you had a crush on them? If you’re like me, it’s more times than you care to remember. And can you ever remember a time when that declaration was well received? No, neither can I. Even if your crush does like you, by the time you drink enough to work up the courage to confess, you’re probably on the wrong side of half a dozen appletinis, with your lipstick worn off, parsley in your teeth (endive and haggis mini quiches, anyone?) and your eye make-up working itself into a frenetic state of panda-eye.
Even worse, if you skip the whole “I really, really like you” speech and lurch straight into the drunken grope in the office supply cupboard, you may as well write-off your next promotion, pay rise or invite to next year’s party, unless it’s as the entertainment.
Above all, enjoy everything about your office Christmas party in moderation and you should come out the other side with your professional reputation still as pure as the driven proverbial. Dance, drink and be merry, but remember, if Gary from Accounts is loitering conspicuously under the mistletoe while brandishing two glasses of eggnog, it might be time to call it a night.
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