I went shopping for lingerie the other day. Well, not "lingerie" exactly, because that makes it sounds sexy, which Target decidedly isn't. And you know that lingerie doesn’t come in a 7-pack with days of the week written on them. No, I was shopping for underwear.
I dread shopping for underwear. Why don’t stores ever have the right size bra in the color and style I want? What Law of Physics is at work here? And if you do manage to find a bra you like in the size you need, don’t for a minute think you’ll be able to find the matching underpants. The only exception to this rule is when the matching underpants are so undesirable no one in their right mind would buy them. For me, this means the family of underwear that comprises g-strings, v-strings and thongs. It didn’t used to be this way. I used to wear g-strings religiously (well, probably not religiously, because I don’t believe there’s an order of nuns who devote themselves to the benediction of the Holy Father through the wearing of butt floss) but nowadays I can’t stand them. Shouldn’t underwear offer warmth and a modicum of modesty? In one hundred years, we’ve gone from 30lbs of heavily-starched and ruffled undergarments, to knickers that don’t contain enough fabric for a handkerchief.
And these wispy underthings are causing an increasing number of health troubles down below. Chaffing and irritation are just two of the problems that can occur from insufficient coverage of the pubic area; and these are compounded thanks to the growing number of women who aggressively trim, shave or wax their pubic hair. This fastidious grooming is mandatory if you’re going to get your pubic hair to sit neatly behind that tiny scrap of fabric. A recent survey conducted by the Vagisil Women's Health Center found that around 25 percent of all women between 18 and 45 report that they "closely trim their pubic hair with scissors or clippers," and 23 percent say they shave part of their pubic hair off. Nearly 10 percent said they shave all of their pubic hair off. These are big numbers when compared to the women over 45, who were much less likely to partake in such intensive vaginal grooming.
The younger women in the survey said they believed that men prefer a well-manicured pubic region on a woman. But this manicured look can come with a price, as nearly 20 percent of them report itching and/or irritation following pubic hair removal. "Women should be aware that hair removal in the genital area can make it more susceptible to irritation, trauma and infection," cautioned Dr Adelaide Nardone, an advisor at Vagisil.
But I digress. Let’s get back to underwear and the miracle of boy-leg pants. Hallelujah! No more panties that ride up, giving me a wedgie; or sitting tellingly across my buttocks advertising to all and sundry fashion’s worst nightmare - the VISIBLE PANTY LINE. No more g-strings that itched or constantly reminded me that I had a strip of fabric pressed right up against my back door. Instead, I’ve got comfy little duds that cup and caress my buttocks in a vaguely sensual, but always practical and sensible manner. They may not be overtly sexy, but hey, I feel sexy when I’m comfortable.
But finding some knickers that won’t slice up your privates is only half the battle. Trying them on can be a much more formidable challenge. Don’t get me started on the dressing rooms. If you can find one with a door that locks properly, or a curtain that is wide enough to cover the cubicle opening, you’re off to a good start. And then there’s the reminder to keep your own underpants on when trying on new ones. It makes me wonder, do women really need to be told this? The answer must be yes, because they’ve had a multi-lingual sign made up. What sort of customers prompted this action? Eww! Images of women fresh from a 20 mile bike ride or a particularly vigorous cardio session flash through my mind. Then my brain starts trawling through a catalogue of transmittable diseases and I start to feel woozy. Take my advice: keep your clothes on, guesstimate at the racks and head for the checkout.
This is the final hurdle. I’ll be guaranteed to run into someone I know and/or a member of the clergy and/or a pervert while waiting in the checkout queue. They’ll size me up, gaze at my underwear purchase and draw their own unspoken conclusions. Are they imagining me wearing the red lacy panties I’m holding? Or do I just secretly hope they are?
Panicky female shoppers like me - who don’t want to be seen buying anything that might be considered too indecent - are clearly the target market for what can only be described as pre-school knickers for adults. Do grown women really want to wear panties emblazoned with images of Care Bears, Muppets and Sesame Street characters? Am I the only person who finds the idea of Big Bird’s face on a panty crotch disturbing? Seriously, does a man find it sexy when his girlfriend takes off her jeans, and there’s Elmo’s little red face staring back at them? Are they jealous because he’s getting more action than they are? It also gives a whole new meaning to "Tickle Me Elmo". I don’t know. Perhaps if there was a picture of Cookie Monster on them, saying "Aaahhh, yum, yum, yum!" that might be more palatable…
