Comfort Slump?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Almond_Joy, May 8, 2012.

  1. Almond_Joy

    Almond_Joy Member

    Hi everyone,

    I've been with my current boyfriend for a little past six months now. We both have several common interests and preferences, and have similar day to day habits.

    Lately it seems like we are so much alike that we already know what the other wants to do, wants to eat, would be interested in, etc. I think we've carried that assumption over to our emotional needs in the relationship also.

    We don't talk much at all when we're alone unless it's arrangements for going places, and we haven't really been affectionate with each other in a month and a half, almost two. I don't know if he's ok with this or not - he hasn't said anything or acted any differently than how he used to from what I can tell (besides the lack of affection, I mean).

    I, on the other hand, have been terribly loneley the last couple of weeks, and feel disconnected from him. The loneliness stems from more than just this relationship, though; I just haven't been able to connect with people much in general and the disconnect with my bf's like salt in the wound.

    I feel like he's no longer interested in me, or rather bored with me, and I'm tempted to just start doing things by myself. That feels safer than talking to him about my loneliness, which isn't necessarily his problem. We really only see each other once a week, on the weekends, as it is. If I start doing things on my own, I feel like there won't really be a relationship anymore. I can see him during the week, but since it's after work and we both work the next day, we won't really have time to unwind and/or do something extraordinary.

    I'm trying not to freak out, as I've hit this point in all of my relationships. Part of me says it's natural, that once couples are comfortable you're prone to fall into ruts from time to time. But another part thinks that if your partner doesn't seem present, even when you're together, it's a small step away from them checking out of the relationship.

    Like I said, my instinct is telling me to just withdraw, but I don't think that's the mature way to handle this issue. I feel like I'm gearing up to self-preservation mode at a perceived threat when talking about it may resolve it. I've mentioned to my bf before that I felt we were lacking intimacy. He agreed, but he hasn't done anything to kind of spice up the relationship or do something different. When I propose activities he goes along with indifference, so I don't know if he likes the activities or not. When I ask what he wants to do, he shrugs or says "I don't know."

    I'm at a loss, because I want a deeper emotional connection but don't know how else to go about establishing one.

    Can anyone in long-term (talking multi-year) relationships/marriages offer any perspective or suggesstions? It would really be appreciated.....
  2. TDG

    TDG New Member

    This is just my opinion(have been with my df for 8 years)...I dont think its normal at all to be feeling like that at 6 months(or less since youve felt this way for a month+ ready). Especially if you only see each other on weekends. Things generally dont get into a rut near as fast if you arent spending every day together. At 6 months me and df wanted to be together as much as possible...even if that ment him driving an hr one way just to hang out at my house doing nothing for 2 hrs and then going home during the week. Even after all this time we still have fun together just sitting around doing nothing. Im a big believer than successful relationships have to have a real friendship and if at 6 months you dont have much to talk about then there isnt a friendship there. Now Im not saying you should end need to tell him how you feel. He may be feeling the same or he may just not need as much emotional interaction as you(in which case you arent likely to ever feel really fulfilled IMO)...but you have to talk about it. THere is nothing you can do on your own to establish a deeper emotional connection--it takes two! The key to a truly happy relationship is friendship and communication!
  3. Almond_Joy

    Almond_Joy Member

    Thank you for the response.

    I'm getting so nervous now. He did a couple of things this past week that made me really angry. I was already edgy because of this detachment issue.

    I brought up this detachment thing again, once I was less angry. But now I feel stupid for bringing it up because I feel so uncomfortable talking about my feelings. I keep telling him I feel detached but I don't know what I'm looking for him to do or what I want to happen to make me feel like we're not detached.

    I'm just really uncomfortable talking about my feelings. He said this is something I should work on - verbalizing my feelings instead of always writing about an issue or trying to respond logically every time I have an emotional reaction. I'm just so uncomfortable being demonstrably emotional in person. What I want to say never comes out right, and I start rambling or get off-topic.

    I don't think it's normal either that we never seem to have anything to talk about when we're together. I'm not much of a talker, so at first I thought it was just because we get each other, we don't see a need to talk much. Now I'm thinking he took a cue from my frequent silence, but that he really does want us to talk more, and I haven't been opening up enough to let that happen.

    I'm also realizing right now that I'm really scared to do this. I'm terrified of opening up again and getting rejected. Crap.

    Responding to your response has helped me see this situation from a very different perspective. If anyone else wants to share their perspective, it'd be appreciated. I'll be working up the nerve to open up in the meantime -___-.
  4. TDG

    TDG New Member

    No problem. You have to remember men are very thick. If you arent able to straight up say what you need, want or expect from them, you arent likly to get it! They might know something is off or wrong but they cant even begin to guess what it is you need. Dropping hints will Never work. No matter how uncomfortable you need to be able to talk to him. ALtho I dont think writing is always bad. Some times its the best way to get your thoughts out without saying things in a way you dont really mean...its also good if you need to say something that might start a fight. It seems like men are less defensive to something in writing because they can absorb it all slower that way. But cant always write just to avoid feeling awkward.
  5. HWG#2

    HWG#2 New Member

    I'm with TDG-way too early for a comfort slump. Even when that slump happens, it doesn't feel uncomfortable like something is missing, but more that you are just comfortable in eachothers presence and don't need to fill that space with constant conversation or activities. DH and I have been together for almost 9 years and really didn't hit this stage for real until having kids-and then I think it happens because you are so tired. But, it's not bad-just comfortable. At 6 mos in, we were all over eachother all the time. Couldn't get enough.

    Yes, you do have to TALK! If you want to save your relationship, don't shy away. If you need him to understand (and he is just not getting it) pick a fight! It's okay as long as you stay on topic and don't insult eachother. I have found in the past is sometimes the only way to stress the importance of a situation to DH. No, they never get hints...unfortunately.

    Hang in there. If you are willing to do the work, you can make it through this.
  6. Raunchy-Row

    Raunchy-Row Super Moderator Staff Member

    I'm going to speak just from my experience--things should still be "easy" at this point in your relationship the majority of the time. Being comfortable is really different from a comfort slump, and cooling off physically at 6 months would have me asking questions too!

    I've been with my hubby for 5 years and married for half that, and while our sex life has changed and we've had some comfort slumps along the way, they weren't hard to talk about and we were always still physically affectionate. Relationships do take work, but that work shouldn't be all the time. In my opinion, it shouldn't even be most of the time. And, barring very unusual circumstances, it really shouldn't be much work at all at the six month mark.

    My earlier relationships were dramatic and full of hard work, and I don't think I was remotely ready at that point for something "easy." I probably would have equated it with a lack of passion at that point in my life. Now, I look back and wonder how I thought constant uncertainty could have been the making of a solid relationship!

    If this is someone you really live, find a way to get it back to easy. Communication is key. Disagreeing is fine, and so is negotiating and even fighting--but the basic foundation shouldnt be in a comfort slump at 6 months....

  7. Almond_Joy

    Almond_Joy Member

    Thank you ladies for your responses.

    Everything except talk about the relationship is easy between us. And it seems like the difficulty's only on my end in that department. He's may not initiate discussions, but he's certainly not squeamish in discussing this topic like I am, at least that I can tell lol.

    The more I think about this, the clearer it gets that my mind can't be at rest until I hash things out with my bf.

    I'm going to jot down all my questions and concerns and talk through everything with him, one conversation at a time. I'm guessing that once I start the ball rolling, it'll get a lot easier [​IMG].
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013
  8. Temptress Tally

    Temptress Tally Super Moderator Staff Member

    Talking is good, but to me, the way to really connect with someone is open up your heart and soul to them and not be afraid to feel,love and to be loved.

    Look into his eyes and let him look into yours. Show interest in eachother and life in general.

    I think both of you have this 'shruggish attitude' which is affecting the relationship and I go as far as to say its affecting your life because you mentioned you feel disconnected from people in general and thats because you not really letting people in, including your boyfriend.

    How do you express to him how you feel?
  9. Almond_Joy

    Almond_Joy Member

    I really only express love, gratitude, happiness - all the good stuff. And I express it by telling him. If I'm frustrated or sad I try to keep to myself or don't say anything.

    Extended eye contact bothers me, probably because of the strong emotional connection it can inspire. I notice I do it a little more with my boyfriend now than in previous relationships, which I think is a good thing. I'd like to get to the point where I can hold a full conversation with him while looking him directly in the eye. That'd be a big step for me.

    I know for me, referring to him as love, instead of hon or babe, is a big deal. That means a lot to me, in showing how much he means to me. I've never really asked if it was a big deal for him, though he's the one that started that habit with us.

    A few days after I posted this, I felt better. I do admit I'm very insular, and I work hard to seem emotionally resilient to others. I'm really sensitive, so small things that most people can shrug off and forget I often take to heart. I don't talk to many about how I feel, and those I do talk to I share very sparingly, because I'm dealing with my feelings all the time and I don't want it to monopolize my relationships with people.

    I've been expressive a few times in life. It kind of has a snowball effect. I'll start with a few expressions here and there, and get more comfortable or feel more liberated for expressing myself so express a little more. Eventually I find myself reacting as I feel without thinking, and missing cues that tell me what other people are feeling. I don't want to be oblivious to others reactions. So I go back to being reticent and observant.

    I'm starting to come around to the idea that I may be taking this avoidance of emotional display too far. The responses here motivated me to really think about how I interact with people in general, and how my lack of showing feeling to others affects how I end up feeling internally.

    I think I have to learn a balance, something I'm comfortable with on a regular basis.

    I'm not looking to do anything about my boyfriend's attitude. He's comfortable with the way he relates to people, and seems to take whatever people do in stride. That's partly good for me, because I'm not as fearful of being hurt if I'm open with him, but it also sucks because I get no feedback if I'm being too emotional, which I also think is important.

    Sorry if that came off as rambling, I was just typing my thoughts as they came.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013
  10. clc

    clc New Member

    Sounds like some very constructive positive reflections you've got there!
    Good luck ... Knowing our issues is half the battle. As much as we can ne er change another, we can always change ourselves!

    It sounds from your post that your boyfriend seems to understand this part of you and these difficulties you have too, which is positive.

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