HELP! Boyfriend is smoking behind my back!

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by blondie08, May 13, 2008.

  1. blondie08

    blondie08 New Member

    My boyfriend of 3 and 1/2 years who I live with, is NOT a smoker. HOWEVER...he smokes with this idiot friend who he hangs out with sometimes. Luckily, they don't hang out often!
    But when they do, the friend always smokes and then my bf will some times. I have SEEN him do it. Granted, it was a semi-stressful situation, but it was over a car. Nothing life threatening.

    But he comes in, reeking like smoke, and I hate it! I can't say anything again however, ( I said something once before), because we just got into an argument about me being "too much in his business". (that was yesterday). I hate smoke, and he smells so bad. How can I get him to stop? It's not often, but still. If you're not a smoker, don't do it for social reasons, or to "be cool". He's 24 for crying out loud! He's not a 14 year old trying to impress someone!

    I only saw him do it twice, but I can tell when it was HIM smoking, and when he was AROUND smoke.


  2. GreenTea

    GreenTea Super Moderator Staff Member

    Why is it so important to you that your boyfriend not smoke? If he continues to smoke just with this friend, but not around you or in any other situation, can you live with that? Why or why not?

    Don't feel obligated to post answers in this thread if you'd rather not, but do think them through. Write them down if that works for you. If writing them down leads you off on tangents, follow them.

    Thinking this through will help you clarify your position. You can't control someone else's behavior, but understanding how you're reacting to it and why will help you feel more in control of the situation--and decide what action to take if necessary.

  3. MNM

    MNM New Member

    If it's truly an occasional thing hun then you might try telling him that he reeks of cigarette smoke when he comes into the house.....If he's addicted to them and smoking on a regular basis then there isn't a thing you can do to get him to quit...That decision will ultimately be on him to make....Another note would be to keep a bottle of Lysol spray next to the door and tell him that if he's gonna smoke then to at least have the courtesy to "un-stink" before he comes in the house....

  4. desertgirl

    desertgirl Active Member

    Besides explaining why you think smoking is gross, there's not much you can do to stop him from smoking. Loosen that leash and let him be a free man!

    Sorry, I thought about that reply and it comes of harsher than I meant. I too hate when my husband smokes the occassional celebratory cigar or what-not with his friends. It is smelly! And seriously, kissing an ashtray is not my idea of a good time. I can get over ash mouth and let him have fun without me freaking out and making a big issue out of it. I like alot of garlic, so I reek on a more regular basis--a little stink mouth won't hurt us!

  5. Juicy-Juls

    Juicy-Juls Active Member


    I don't mean to sound harsh but jeez... [​IMG]
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013

  6. Jessucka

    Jessucka New Member

    MNM had a great idea with "un-stink" thing before he comes in the house.

    Everyone here is right. He won't quit until he is good and ready. As long as he doesnt smoke in the house or your car and has enough manners to brush before kissing you, then really thats all you can hope for.

    Unless you have a deep issue about smoking that you can express to him, this may be a losing battle. Would him smoking lead to a break up? Just curious.

    My boyfriend quit smoking about the same time we decided to try for a baby. Almost a year now. YAY for him! I am so proud.

  7. Juicy-Juls

    Juicy-Juls Active Member when I started smoking in high school and mom figured out she couldn't stop me...She put bottles of Lysol next to each door...and made me and my sister hose ourselves before we got to come in..You should have seen MNM the first time we stopped him to hose him down with it.....LMAO..he was like WTF are you doing...anyhow...
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

  8. kellybean

    kellybean New Member

    LOL@ Jules...that's funny! I can just imagine his face! HA!!

    Blah...I smoke...I have nothing of good tasting quality to add to this topic. The man has never once smoked a cigarette in his life...he still loves me tho! And he'd never ask me to change either.

  9. Bran.Muffin

    Bran.Muffin New Member

    You need to decide if you can stand the stink and knowing what he's doing to his health. And, you need to decide if your future kid's health matters more to you than his addiction.

    Reason I say that is - Only he can make the decision to quit and then follow through on it. Either put up with it or quit him. Accept him as he is or break up.

    BTW, I smoked for more than 30 years and quit. If I can do it, anyone can. And, its really REALLY worth it.

    Besides that I was ever stupid enough to start, the two biggest regrets I have is how long it took me to finally quit. And, the biggest regret I have is ever thinking it was okay to smoke around my grand kids. Even occasionally. Nothing will ever make that right, nothing can ever excuse it.

  10. Bran.Muffin

    Bran.Muffin New Member

    My ex used to smoke in MY car. Made me so mad when I'd get in and it reeked of cig smoke.

    GF and I were shopping for a car, looked at one I liked but it smelled so bad the dealership was gonna have to put in new seats.

    We couldn't even stand to be in it long enough to test drive it.

  11. blondie08

    blondie08 New Member

    It isn't the smell that gets me. Maybe there are too many smokers here to understand. It's really the whole principle. Why smoke with one friend just because they do? He's not a teenager who needs to try and act cool. It's unintelligent and unattractive when he does that.

    Cigars are totally different; that's for enjoyment and taste. Cigarettes in this case are not.

    I don't want it becoming a habit!

  12. ChooseToBe

    ChooseToBe New Member

    Cigars are for showing off.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

  13. Tarsia

    Tarsia New Member

    Well, this is my bit.
    I don't consider myself a smoker.

    That said, I keep a pack of cloves around and will, once in a while, have one. Usually in a social setting when a bunch of us are hanging out and having a good time (some smoking, some not). I'm talking maybe a generous average of one every couple of weeks. I wouldn't say I'm addicted. I haven't had one for a couple months, and if the pack disappeared from my desk I wouldn't care. Other than I'd be annoyed that someone nicked it.

    But smoking for a 'social' reason isn't necessarily bad. Smoking because of social pressure, yes. That I'll agree with.

    I'm the same way about booze. I tend to only drink in a social setting, when I'm already having a great time. So I might have a drink or two. *shrugs*

    SO's rule of substance abuse: Do it to enhance a good time. (If you're in a bad mood, don't do it to feel better.)
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

  14. enough_already

    enough_already New Member

    Why tell jokes, if you normally don't tell jokes, when you're around a friend who tells jokes?

    Why drink beer with one friend who drinks beer just because they do when you normally drink wine?

    Why drink at all with a certain friend if you normally don't drink?

    Peer pressure works in many directions and isn't always bad. So long as it doesn't become a habit, I wouldn't worry about it. Besides, your BF looks like he's way too into keeping his body in shape to let a nicotine habit take hold, or so it seems.

    I can understand that you don't like cigarettes and especially don't like you're boyfriend smoking them. But you're right, he isn't a teenager who needs to try and act cool. He's an adult, and as such, you should treat him that way.

    But, that doesn't mean you have to welcome the smoking, either. The Lysol thing might be a good idea.

    But that's if the concern really is just smoking and not that he is expressing defiance.

    Problem is that the more you get on him about it, the more likely he is to want to smoke. There are a few reverse psychology things you can try--like taking a few puffs yourself in front of him and see how that goes over. Note: only do this if you know that he'd be disgusted!
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013

  15. Juicy-Juls

    Juicy-Juls Active Member

    OKAy so I am just gonna say it..I thought about this for awhile and can't seem to let it go..

    It seems you have some either security issue's or control issues...It's knda like what I told the new poster about his wife being fat. The problem is not that she is fat the problem is deeper...

    You all but invited yourself and made him take you on an outting he made very clear from the beginning he didn't want you to go, now you say he is smoking behind your back..

    Okay we all know tht smoking is bad for you yada yada yada...But the point is, You have got to stop trying to control his actions, you have got to stop insisting on knowing everything and being involved with everything(he does have a life beyond your relationship). Meaning, if he as an adult, chooses to smoke socially. That is his choice. Unless you guys have some pre-existing discussion about how you won't put up with it..

    That would be like me, the re-covering alcohoic expecting my husband to not drink in a social setting because I choose not to(can't). It doesn't work. I am the one with the problem not him..I can expect him NOT to bring it in my house etc etc..But to say "when we are at your parents for a BBQ, I expect you not to drink" and then get mad when he does it behind my back..Which to me is an odd thing to say..My problem is not his and he is a full grown man who is able to make choices.

    He is probably doing it with his friend because he knows he is going to catch hell from you about it. Who was it that said something similiar..Think it was EA..anyhow..

  16. Temptress Tally

    Temptress Tally Super Moderator Staff Member

    What is the big deal here.....I dont think you guys got any problems really to fight about so you find petty things just so that you have something to complain about.

    So he took a smoke with his friend , big deal!
    Toothpaste is all that is needed! Problem solved.

  17. workingmom

    workingmom New Member

    blondie08, I totally understand where you're coming from. Smoking is a total deal-breaker for me. You need to decide if it is for you. Either way, talk to your boyfriend about your concerns. You're not his mother, but you certainly have a right to make sure he understands exactly where you stand on smoking.

  18. Absy

    Absy New Member

    Was he a smoker in the past? I know of many, many former smokers who now on rare occations go and indulge themselves. He clearly isn't trying to "hide" it from you and knows you dislike it and thus doesn't smoke around you.

    Caaaalm. Let's get to the root of this. You don't like him smoking just on principle? Well, aren't those YOUR principles and not his?
    You just have different mindsets. My boyfriend smokes...I hate it...but I only get huffy when he does it around me (like in the car) and otherwise I don't really think I have the right to bitch because it's his choice. Of course I can give my opinion, but not force him to do anything.

  19. ladybuglnc

    ladybuglnc Member

    I understand where you are coming from. Back when DH and I were still dating, he was smoking behind my back and I was furious. But it was for a different reason. He would come home and smell of smoke, and when I would ask if he was smoking, he lied. This went on for about six months, of him lying. If he would have just told me, I wouldn't have cared, but he chose to lie. Did your boyfriend try to hide the smoking from you? Or did he tell you? One every now and then is completely different from smoking every day.

  20. Guest

    Guest Guest

    What Juls said..

    Blondie, I am sorry hun but you sound controlling.

    His friend smokes and your boyfriend smokes one or two when they are together. So what? He IS an adult and capable to make his own decisions, you don't need to make them for him. If he wants to smoke, then he'll smoke.

    Your decision should be whether you will compromise and accept it as being part of your boyfriend that you love, or not.

    Sigh. Its not about you and its not up to you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013


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