My girlfriend has had 30 sexual partners

Discussion in 'Female Sexuality' started by lewis29, Jun 25, 2010.

  1. lewis29

    lewis29 New Member

    I am 31 years old and have been dating a 29 year old girl for about 2 months. We get on really well and have become quite serious and intense and have discussed marriage etc.

    I formed the impression she has had quite a few sexual partners (we also slept together on the first night). After some discussion she revealed she has had 30+ sexual partners.

    I was stunned. I have had about 7. I am realistic I would never end up with a virgin and I told myself not to think about it or dwell on it. I cant help it but it is driving me crazy. I expressed this to her and at my request she has even gone into detail about many of her experiences.

    She tells me the love and connection she feels for me she has never felt before. I believe her( I think. She will do anything to be with me.

    I feel I can really love this girl except I cannot stop thinking about this issue. I am not even sure why it bothers me.

    I realise this is MY problem not hers. She told she is glad to have gone through all those guys to finallly meet me.

    Will these thoughts fade with time? Why am I feeling like this?

    Maybe I need a new perspective to get me through this.

    Please help......
  2. OlderMan

    OlderMan New Member

    Not sure why you posted this identical post in two threads. See your thread in Relationships for my response.
  3. anziano

    anziano New Member

    Don't take this the wrong way, but it IS your problem and you need to work hard to get over it. What if the situation were reversed and she wanted to push you away because you had some large number of sex partners but realized that you had finally found the person you might be the one that could be a good life partner. There is an old expression that "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince." Maybe you're the prince.

    Here's a different way of looking at it. I personally have liked being with women who have been "round the barn" a little because I hate to play the role of "instructor". Let somebody else be the one to teach them how to play football and you can be the coach that enjoys the winning season with the experienced player. BEsides, it might be good to have a long term partner who has had enough "other experiences" that he/she isn't tempted to experiment later on. You may be a greater danger to her in this case. If you have this idea that you have to "catch up", she may be the one hurt finding out that you may have cheated on her just to even out the score.

    THe only "caution" you may want to both think about is maybe both should both get checked out medically to make sure neither of you has any STD's you might not be aware of. Just good common sense.
  4. MNM

    MNM New Member

    30 partners? So what, this just means she's someone who is okay with her sexuality. We aren't living in the dark ages any longer my friend and I think you should be okay with things. I say good for her, and you if you decide to keep an open head and not let something as little as this screw up a potential relationship.
  5. AliceBell

    AliceBell Member

    I don't see the big deal at all, 30 is not a huge number by any means! I think you just need to get over it, and remember "Don't ask questions that you may not be able to handle the answer!!!"
    Also, think of this, she has had thirty to compare you too, and she is keeping you....you must be good at something?
    Why not forget the (her) past, and just focus on the experiences you want to have together?

     

     
  6. BethG

    BethG New Member

    Well I have to disagree and say I'm a bit shocked by the number. But I guess the bigger question is why did she have so many partners? Did she dump one guy to sleep with another or was she having sex with multiple men during the same time period? Did she always practice safe sex (ie, condom). Was she under the influence of drugs or alcohol when she made the decision to sleep with a new partner? I'm just wondering what is her normal pattern, because if there's a chance of her cheating on you because she has no restraint, I'd be concerned too.
  7. GrahamS

    GrahamS New Member

    I think that's fine. You have an experienced gf and that's rarely a disadvantage unless you make it one. Generally, I really like experienced, confident women and I don't sweat how many partners they've had.

    In fact, I never ask, but they usually do and I feel obligated to tell them, although honestly, it's my business and my past so I don't feel obligated to tell the truth. There's no paper trail anyway. A girl once asked me the number and I told her about 1/3 of the real number. She started crying anyway because she thought it was a lot. Needless to say we didn't have a successful relationship.

    One thing I don't think anybody mentioned is about age and number of partners. Because if she was 16 and had 30 lovers, I might raise an eyebrow, but since she's 29 years old and had 30 lovers, then it wouldn't be unusual for a single woman.

    My fiancee had had 7 lovers at aged 19. I'd been with 19 years old who'd had 30 lovers before, so I thought that was fine and was similar my count at that age. But I'm a lot older than her now and have had many times more lovers. She doesn't mind and kind of expected me to have had more.
  8. OlderMan

    OlderMan New Member

    (I must have posted as a mod was moving your thread here yesterday, and my earlier post was deleted.)

    Let it go. She's chosen to be with you. She is a sexual woman and is likely a better lover for her sexual experience. You are now the beneficiary.

    Don't get all insecure and ask her about her previous lovers' techniques, sizes, etc. Just be confident in yourself and in her decision to have chosen you now. Sometimes you have to test drive a lot of cars before you slip into the one that fits just right, and you take it home for good.
  9. Vexed

    Vexed New Member

    My girlfriend almost broke up with me after I revealed the number and that I didn't use condoms with most of the women. I know how it feels to be in her shoes. I love my girlfriend, and I wouldn't cheat on her.

    Please give her a chance and don't hold that against her. We have all had different motives for exploring sexually.
  10. GrahamS

    GrahamS New Member

    Amen, brother. That's how I put it too. Once I've found a "keeper" I'm extremely dedicated and committed.

    Nice to see some familiar posters on this forum. I just joined because this forum seems more lively and isn't just talking about penis size all the time, haha.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013
  11. OlderMan

    OlderMan New Member

    No kidding. I post here more, though some of the material is rightfully focused on the ladies. Makes it more interesting. Lots of great female, and male, voices on here.
  12. Juicy-Juls

    Juicy-Juls New Member

    Hmm, I'm of the opinion that what happened in the past ..well should stay there. I would have to agree with most the others. so what...let it go...She did things in her past, she was no angel...Guess what none of us are..

    Something I've never done on this forum is revel "my number"..Why because that's between me, MNM and well them...Did MNM hold it agaist me, nope we just had an understanding that we, er... well I, didn't talk about it(way bacck then anyway, now it's no big deal). Easy as that!..You now the truth, now let it go..If your having that hard of a time, just tell her that you would just rather not know anymore details until your ready for it...
  13. Skinback

    Skinback New Member

    Lewis29, I think the only thing people freak out more over than penis size is penis (or vagina) use, as in number of previous partners. It's about as useful a fact as the number of birthdays you've had. I'm no less loyal and attracted to my wife for having had more sex partners than your girlfriend, to include one instance of three women in the same day. A little insane? probably! But the fact is, my history is just that, history. I'm monogamous with my wife, and so is she, and we're both able to enjoy each other, with some of that enjoyment because we're experienced in how to satisfy each other. Does it matter when you're in love, and having sex, that the person you're with learned how to do this thing that is making you happy, just as you learned how as well? It's ridiculous to get overwrought about past lovers. If you're going to get upset about this, you're probably still too immature to engage in adult activity, and perhaps you should wait until you can handle that.
  14. Temptress Tally

    Temptress Tally Super Moderator Staff Member

    Im with BethG on this one. Who sleeps with 30 men by the age of 29. Not that Im judging or anything but I'm just a little younger than that and cant imagine being with that many men unless I was basically sleeping around with every dick, tom and harry.

    Could be that your instincts are trying to warn you and that's why its bugging you so much.
  15. enough_already

    enough_already New Member

    Theoretically, I don't think 30 lovers for a 29 year old is a high number. On the other hand, I'm 40 and by the time I was 36, I'd only had two, both from long term monogamous relationships.

    But I don't take having only two lovers by 36 as some measure of piousness and virtue. For me, when I'm in a bad mood about myself, I take it as more of a sign of my sexual ineptitude and some women probably wouldn't like to know that my number of partners was that few. When I'm in a good mood about myself, I take my low number as a sign of my ability to commit and/or the seriousness with which I take relationships and think that it was a great thing. Women who are afraid of commitment still would not have a great reaction to that low number.

    Now that I'm 40, and out of that relationship, I boosted my number of "conquests," to about, I don't know, 8 or 9 maybe. Looking back on what it took for me to raise my number that high meant that I had a lot of really forgettable sex with people that I didn't really give two sh!ts about just for the experience. It wasn't even good sex.

    If my sex life started off that way when I was young rather than how it did, I think I'd have given up on sex and women long ago. I'm not a casual sex person at all.

    On the other hand, If I had gotten used to the doldrums of casual sex, and had given up, and then found someone who I really loved and had great sex with, imagine how overjoyed I'd be now, though. Perhaps this is where your girlfriend is in her mindset.

    A number really is just a number. It has no meaning on its own until you ascribe meaning to it. I still have had fewer than ten lovers in my life, and I really hope that I don't have any more just because, well, for one, I'm not that interested in most people enough to have sex with them, or maybe I don't really find my sexual confidence until I've grown really comfortable with someone over a period of time (pickig up strangers is totally not my game, either) so finding a sex partner for me has always been difficult.

    If I were a woman, though, and guys did all the work, I'd probably have had so many sex partners by now it wouldn't even be funny. The reason I don't sleep with that many women is because I have to really want to sleep with them and be with them and so I have to make up my mind about it. I also have to want them so badly that I don't care if I get rejected or not, which for me is part of the neurotic emotional balancing that I have to do. I can't stand striking out.

    If I were a woman and didn't have to make up my mind really, or had someone convincing me that they had to sleep with me, were wining and dining me, romancing me, whatever, hell yeah. I'd find it really difficult to turn it down, probably.

    If your girlfriend is hot, the fact that she's had only 30 when she could have had a hundred by now might show a lot more restraint, virtue and piousness than me with my two since by that time, I pretty much had slept with every person I'd wanted to sleep with, even if it was only the two.

    So, if I were you, I wouldn't worry about it. I think anziano has a really good point that, perhaps, you are the one who is more of a threat if you feel that you need to even the score, get more experience for the purpose of sexual credibility, or jsut need to feel better about yourself. That's a tough game to play with yourself and I'd avoid it if I could.

    For me, really, having a lot of partners in ones' past is more of a sign of loneliness and a willingness to put up with bad sex than anything else, not making moral judgments or anything. But I feel that way strictly because during the three and a half years where I was out trying to sleep with any woman who gave me a chance just because I felt that that's what women actually expected (and I haven't changed my mind on that) I just had bad sex and drama with people I hadn't made my mind up about.

    If I were honest with myself, I probably shouldn't have pursued them sexually, but, oh well. I was curious and there is something to be said for experience. I did find out that a lot of women aren't as prudy as my LTR girlfriends had been and that was a good thing.

    I still think that I am more of the emotionally distant type and that my numbers will not increase significantly or at all for the rest of my life. I'm engaged now and I don't intend to cheat.

    Perhaps the numbers or more just a sign of one's personality and you've just met someone who's sexually outgoing. Does she have more friends than you, too.?

     

     
  16. kris1980

    kris1980 Member

    I'm gonna chime in here b/c this post hit a nerve with me. I'm 30 years old- i have had about 30 sexual partners. Now i'm not one to reveal my number openly- not because i'm ashamed but because its nobodys business except mine and my SO's. He is aware and while at first he gave me a little grief about it- we have a no judgement rule about past relationships/experiences. I'm open and honest about my past as is he. His number is much higher than mine- but in the mans world- hes not known as a slut or a whore- hes just a "man". So his number being high denotes his manlyhood while mine denotes me being promiscuous or easy.

    A numbers a number. What about her number intimidates you? If it bothers you so much- why did you ask? Just because my number is 30 doesn't mean i'm a slut or a cheater or non-commital. It just means i've slept with 30 guys. I love my SO and my past "relations" have only brought me to the place i am today which is in a committed loving relationship. And don't judge her on her number unless you want to be judged on yours.
  17. Juicy-Juls

    Juicy-Juls New Member

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    Well said Kris!
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013
  18. Skinback

    Skinback New Member

    Great post! Hope the maturity it conveys won't be lost on those who need to read and heed!
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013
  19. GrahamS

    GrahamS New Member

    I like your post Kris1980. Really, it shouldn't be an issue at all. I wouldn't have a problem with it. I might want details for titillation purposes, but I'm not one tiny bit jealous about past relationships. Actually, I don't even ask about a women's number of partners but it usually comes up because they want to know mine and so I just politely ask theirs.

    EA said also that without context at all the number doesn't mean much. I mean, assuming somebody started at 16-17 it's about an average of 2-3 per year, which isn't really that much. But, in reality most people go through long periods of monogamy followed by playing the field in order to select a new monogamous partner.

    My own history is an example of that. 14 partners in 5 years before marriage, a 19 year period of total monogamy, followed by about 70 partners in 4 years before meeting my fiancee. Back to monogamy. Maybe that'll be it. Who knows? Maybe the cycle will continue.

    Occasionally, you'll have dedicated singles who want to remain that way. I'm not one of those, but when I'm single I go into hardcore selection mode, which does involve a heck of a lot of test rides.
  20. Raunchy-Row

    Raunchy-Row Super Moderator Staff Member

    I'm 30, and my number isn't 30, but it's close to 25---all of which were between the ages of 24 and 28.....I don't think there's anything wrong with it, as long as it's a healthy exploration of sexuality! Give her a chance, and remember that she's choosing you.....

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