Surviving Loss

Discussion in 'Beyond Women's Health' started by demon-dolly, Jun 3, 2008.

  1. demon-dolly

    demon-dolly New Member

    So, when a member of your family or one of your friends passes away, how do you cope?

    Does anyone believe that they go to heaven, or a better place? Or does anyone believe in reincarnation?

    Or, what?

    How do you deal?
  2. BethG

    BethG New Member

    I guess it might depend on how close I was to the person as to how I'd cope. I've lost all my grandparents and 2 uncles, both were younger brothers of my mother. The last uncle I had the hardest time dealing with since he died before he was 50 of brain cancer, leaving behind a wife and 2 teenagers (at the time). He came to terms himself on what was going to happen so that makes it easier. He was a fireman and his funeral was very large and impressive. I have lots of pictures I took of all the fire engines and vehicles that took part in his processional. I also have a few newpaper clippings written about him. I look at them from time to time. I also have two charms on my Italian bracelet for him -- one is In Memory of My Uncle and another is the fireman's shield.

    I believe he's in Heaven.
  3. Jessucka

    Jessucka New Member

    I have never lost anyone I was close to.

    I lost my grandmother at the age of 15, but I dont really remember much about losing her.

    I lost a fellow classmate my senior year due to a car accident. I wasn't close to him. It happened over spring break and I had gone away. I didn't even hear about it until I came back and the funeral had already come and gone.

    Those have been my only experiences.

    But I am terribly affraid of losing someone that I am close to. The thought alone of losing a family member or my SO sends me into tears. I know I won't deal well. [​IMG]

    Edit: No, I dont really believe in heaven and hell. I'd like to believe in reincarnation, because I think this can't be it. But I can't say that I for sure really do. I'm agnostic for the most part. I dont believe in God, but I am spiritual. I believe in good and bad in people, but not in an after life.
  4. New_Explorer

    New_Explorer New Member

    I have a very strong belief in God, a "relationship" you might say, where I talk to Him and I believe he listens to me and responds when I truly need Him. My faith is based mostly in the Christian tradition, although I don't believe that men can possibly know everything (anything?) about God, so I have a very open mind about all the other things people believe as well. Who knows what's true about the afterlife until we get there?

    So basically I trust that God knows best, and whatever He has chosen our afterlife to be, is for our best. I personally don't think it's in God's nature to punish us in the afterlife for things we've done as imperfect mortal beings, so I'm not afraid of afterlife suffering. Maybe I'll discover it exists, who knows, but I can't live my life right now believing in it. The worst I guess I believe could happen is that we just die and that's it. Beyond that, maybe there's more. I guess I kinda do believe in the "white light" and all. I don't think, if there's an afterlife, that it would be boring. I do believe in heaven for myself, although I really can't presume to think I *deserve* to go there. If I go to heaven, it's by God's Grace. If I don't, I'll just die and cease to exist. I was raised to believe I'd be resurrected back to a perfect earth, but I just can't see myself there.

    So anyway, I have a very peaceful feeling about death. I often imagine about the day I get the news that my parents have died, and I can't feel any fear or sadness. I often imagine getting a call that my son has died (in a car accident), or finding him dead in his room (my fear of his suicide), or that he'll die in war, and while I feel extreme fear over the actual event of "finding him dead", I don't feel fear about his suffering somewhere. I would miss him, but I guess I feel that if he dies, he'll be at peace.

    The first death I experienced was when I was 9, of my grandma. I cried. Since then, I don't think I've really ever cried at a funeral again. Not even of my other grandma, who I was quite familiar with (although not emotionally close to, but she was around a whole lot and she was a lot of fun). I've had friends die tragic deaths. Two were hit by trains. That kind of death terrifies me.

    I have extreme fear of my own death, only because I love living so much and there's so much more I want to do.
  5. MNM

    MNM New Member

    3 years later dolly I'm still coping with the loss of my uncle. In some way or another I still think about him or hear his voice in my head saying something funny or giving me some advice about life. I miss him a lot and don't really know if there will ever be a point in my life where I can say "I'm over it". In fact I know that there won't be. I dealt with the loss of him pretty hard because I feel that I betrayed him in his time of need and turned my back on him because of the choices he was making. My avenue at the time was a lot of whiskey and a lot more self hatred. Because of this I'll never let go of things.

    As for what happens after we die dolly I really have no idea what to think. Do you go to a higher place of existence? Do you meet Jesus and GOD? Do you return to a central energy force in the universe? Do you die and wait until the end of days when the 144,000 chosen will go to heaven and man/women will inherit the earth without plague or famine and death? Or do you return to the mother ship?

    Who knows...I have yet to experience something that would make me a believer in any one thing that would define me as one of the "faithful". I do know this, the not knowing for sure scares the hell out of me. I would like to believe that death is something like sleep. Where you retreat into your own mind and dreams. A place where you get to relive all of life's memories that you have and maybe even some that are created by your own energy force. Shite I don't know.........

    I do know this though...Typing this has made me think about some things in regards to my uncle that I haven't thought about in awhile and has choked me up a little bit so I'm headen out for a smoke.
  6. Bauman

    Bauman New Member

    My Grandfather died back in 2001. I still tear up whenever I think about him, and I haven't even managed to go visit his grave because I know I'll break down. The weird thing is, it's not like we were really THAT close, I just have a hard time dealing I suppose.

  7. desertgirl

    desertgirl Active Member

    In some cases, I believe that with death, people go to a better place. People that have horrid lives on earth, or have been struggling with pain for many years, etc....I just have to believe that death provides them some kind of relief.

    Although I don't have any concrete belief in afterlife, and I tend not to think in terms of "heaven" and "hell," I believe in some sort of karma system. I want to believe that truly evil people will some how "pay" for their actions, and that likewise, truly kind people will reap benefits in the afterlife..but I don't know. That's just what I want to believe, I don't have any hardcore beliefs instilled into me regarding death. When it comes to afterlife beliefs, my thought is that we can be fairly liberal picking and choosing what we intuitively feel, since we won't know till it happens to us, right?

    As for dealing with death, I'm sure reactions will vary. I was close to my grandpa when he passed away, but he'd been sick for years and we had all that time to deal with the idea of him not being there. I still miss him terribly. The sad, sad fact of death is that, well, life goes for the living on regardless. Kids still need to be taken care of, bills need to be paid, spouses need attention. It makes me literally sick to my stomach and half way to hysterical to think of life without my husband, my parents, my best friend. I would have to cope, will have to cope, when the time comes, but right now it seems like I would just curl up and blow away without them around.
  8. demon-dolly

    demon-dolly New Member

    I couldn't have written this any better. You expressed how I feel perfectly.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013
  9. zoe2929

    zoe2929 New Member


    I lost my mom 5 years ago when I was 23. I dreaded it, denied it, was utterly and completely terrified of it - I spent most of 14 and 15 so scared that my mom would die before I was ready. Never thought it would happen so soon. By the time she died she was so sick that I couldn't handle it anymore. And I know that sounds selfish, but for those of you that are/were caregivers, you know how I felt I think. I distinctly remember saying to myself after I called 911 "I hope if she's had a stroke she just doesn't wake up because this is no way to live and I can't handle this anymore"...and she didn't....

    I did not think I could deal but I did. I sat sort of shell shocked in the ambulance and in the hospital, cried when they told me they couldn't bring her back and then went home and immediately started cleaning and throwing stuff away. And I mean everything. One week and 15 bags of garbage later my mother had been excised from my house. The only way I could deal was to clean and keep going. So I did. And I was bizzarly happy. I didn't really deal actually - I went to school, went out with friends, met new people, met bf, never cried, and delighted in a bizzare way in the fact that there was no longer the sound of vomiting in the night, the smell of sickness through the house, and the threat of every phone call on my cell phone being "the one"...

    And then 6 months later I had a massive anxiety attack and began the mourning process...depression and anxiety peppered it and it, in all honesty, sucked. I really, really missed her at times and at other times I was SO angry that she had left me just when I needed her the most. In many ways 5 years later I am still going through it. I believe she is with me, looking down and smiling (or frowning) and helping me through life. When I finished my last day of grad school and no-one was there to celebrate I thought of her as I drove home, turned the radio on and just happened to hear the song we heard together when we were driving to my undergrad graduation. Could have been coincidance but I don't think so.

    So I think she lives on, in my memory, in me, and in my life. I try to focus more on the good stuff, however little that was and I believe she is in a happy peaceful place. And yes I do believe in reincarnation and think we'll all be back around at one point or another.

    Ok then... :)
  10. Trilixia

    Trilixia New Member

    My grandma (my mom's mom) died 2 years ago. She was in the Philippines and I've been here in NJ. When I found out, my brother and I were crushed. The last time I saw her was at least 5 years ago. I didn't have the time and money to go back home so I was mourning on my own. The BF tried to cheer me up one day but I ended up crying the whole time. I just couldn't bear it. I didn't even get to see her.

    I am okay now. My mom still gets teary-eyed every time we talk about her. I still pray for her soul. She was a wonderful woman and the bestest cook ever. I will never forget her and will always love her.

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