Wife does not like to be touched (I need help)

Discussion in 'Female Sexuality' started by confused man, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. confused man

    confused man New Member

    I'm 28 and wife is 28. Been married for almost 6 years. Sex used to be really good. But last couple years it has not been.
    She NEVER initiates sex. She does not like me to kiss her neck, kiss her thighs, touch her breasts, touch her vagina, give oral sex (even though she orgasms). I have only performed oral sex 3 times in the past 3 years, we used to do it all the time. I always try. I don't know what has changed?
    These are all things she used to let me do.
    She always wears a shirt during sex. We have sex about 1 time per week (always in the bedroom). She orgasms virtually everytime. She tells me she likes sex. She says she does not masturbate.
    I have a very high sex drive, sometimes probably too high. I know our libidos don't match, but they use to be a lot closer.
    I try to talk about it with her and never get anything accomplished. I hate that I get frustrated with her because I love her more than anything.
    I need help! Is any of this normal?
  2. EnoughAlready

    EnoughAlready Active Member

    Think she's faking orgasms? The suggestion that she orgasms is the only non sequitur I see.

    I think the most posts on this board, by far, deal with this issue. There really isn't much help available, though. Read the topmost thread (wife has no sex drive) and go from there.

    Welcome, by the way.
  3. ChooseToBe

    ChooseToBe New Member

    Hi, Confused.

    The situation sucks, I know. A great many of us understand exactly what you're feeling.

    Your wife is communicating with you very effectively that she doesn't enjoy sex with YOU.

    She's disillusioned, or angry, or hurt, or bitter, or disappointed, or is exhibiting some negative emotion in the only way she can without admitting that she doesn't love you: she makes sure that she doesn't participate when you want to make love.

    You're looking for a solution. You're hoping that you can do something, or say something, or make her see something... and not a thing is going to change unless and until she wants it to.

    I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear. I'm sorry. I've been asking this group since last September for even one instance of a wife who "changed back." There isn't one.

    As EnoughAlready said, welcome. B*tch a bit. Believe it or not, it helps.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013
  4. EnoughAlready

    EnoughAlready Active Member

    Just a footnote to CTB's statement that "there isn't one:"

    JetBlack, who swooped in and disappeared again said that he jacked himself off in bed over and over again next to his wife, complete with moaning and lots of movement, and that brought his wife back.

    I didn't buy it, myself.

    But go ahead and try . . .
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013
  5. FeelingBetter

    FeelingBetter New Member

    I don't know if our situation counts as "changing back" since we never actually completely stopped having sex, but I'll tell it and let you guys decide.

    My husband and I met as teenagers. As you might guess, the sex was frequent. After marriage and a child, I went on the depo shot for birth control. Not only did I gain an additional 30 pounds over the 20 I had from the child, but it absolutely killed my sex drive (not to mention turned me into a royal b*tch). We were probably having sex maybe 1-2 times a month at that point. I switched to the BCP for all kinds of reasons (not lack of sex drive...I have only put those things together in hindsight). For the first month or so we were having sex 1 time a week. Then the hormones from the pills kicked in and we went back to a couple of times a month.

    We were also going through a stressful period as far as finances and careers. I became clinically depressed and was given antidepressants. My sex drive declined even more. I was pretty much happy to never have sex. I honestly never wanted to...I just did it occasionally to keep my husband happy.

    Over this period, my husband hinted that he wasn't completely happy but was pretty supportive. I finally decided that I didn't like the "fogginess" I had on the antidepressants and asked to stop them. I watched an episode of Dr Phil one morning that featured couples who were not having sex. It kind of "woke me up" that the way I felt was not normal. It is not natural for a woman in her 20's to NEVER get horny. So I decided to start researching.

    You can probably guess that I ended up here through my searches for lack of sex drive. I finally made it through all the posts on the contraceptive board and decided to switch BCP. That didn't help so I decided to bite the bullet and go with an IUD. I would LOVE to get off BC all together but cannot deal with a pregnancy at this point...(and we both hate condoms).

    Anyway, that was a long post to tell you that we are now very happy. We have been married for over twelve years. Of those, ten were spent having little sex. Now, for the past 6 months, we've been having sex at least 3-4 times a week. I finally consciously let go of alot of my insecurities about my body and began to work to make things "spicy". I was pretty reserved and we rarely had anything but "normal" vaginal sex. Now, I've learned to not only tolerate giving him oral - I actually enjoy it and get turned on doing it. We experiment more and spend more time being intimate in nonsexual ways as well.

    I think we are a success story. It has taken alot of understanding on the part of my husband (which most guys here have done) and alot of work on my part to find the causes and fix them (alot of women are not willing to do this). I sadly have no advice for them men who's women do not want to change...it is not something you can do by yourself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013


  6. ChooseToBe

    ChooseToBe New Member

    Wow. Congratulations. I think you're a success story, too.

    Mind if I ask a couple of questions?

    How did you feel about your husband's sex drive when you "honestly never wanted to...I just did it occasionally to keep my husband happy." Did you feel resentment toward him?

    Did you ever worry that your marriage was in jeopardy?

    You said you "finally consciously let go of alot of my insecurities about my body." How big a factor was this in your lack of desire?

    When you said "I sadly have no advice for them men who's women do not want to change...it is not something you can do by yourself," did you mean that changing his wife is something a man can't do, or that women who don't want to change can't do it alone?

    FeelingBetter, I'm glad your story has a happy ending. I envy your husband.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013
  7. EnoughAlready

    EnoughAlready Active Member


    I think she meant that the man can't fix a mutual problem acting alone.

    Now that my SO knows that I'm truly leaving her, she's made an appointment to go get therapy and seek help after all this time. I don't know how I feel about that. She seemed unhappy that I told her that it's fine if she seeks help and a therapist; I'm still leaving, though.

    She talked about what a huge deal it was for her to seek a therapist, to spill her guts about her abusive past and how traumatic that would be, etc., but that she's willing to do that for me. I told her not to do it for me. If she does it for me, it won't work. She's got to do it for herself. Even doing it for "us" isn't good enough. As FeelingBetter said, she's got to want it.

    I'm still moving out because I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll relieve the pressure that's forcing her to seek help. But even that isn't the reason. I'm not moving out or threatening it to pressure her. Just like she needs to want help, I need to want to improve my life. I'm leaving because I want out of this relationship. If she manages to "fix" herself, I'd be elated. But I'm afraid that it's too late for us. If we did get back together, after she's "fixed," I'd be leary of our personalities recreating the exact same environment years down the road.

    Looking back at my posts, I can see how living like this for so long has really scarred my thinking. I want the old me back; the guy who's girlfriend/wife loves him and is hot for him, even if he doesn't deserve it (which I do).
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013
  8. FeelingBetter

    FeelingBetter New Member

    Ok, I combined these two questions because my answer to one helps answer the other. I admit I felt a bit of resentment toward my husband. Especially when he was angry or hurt that I said "no" again. I began to think *he* was abnormal. But for the most part he was supportive and caring and never made me feel "wrong" or "bad".

    But the main reason I ever had sex was because I was afraid that he would leave and my marriage would be over if I didn't have sex at least once in awhile. As I began to search for a reason for my lack of sex, I began to see that he was perfectly normal and *I* had the problem. I started to have sex even when I didn't particularly feel like it...I learned that once I was into it I enjoyed it. Now I initate WAY more often...

    HUGE factor. The hormonal loss of sex drive was bad but the fact that I did not appreciate my own body made an enormous difference in my desire. I finally started listening when my husband told me he thought I was attractive, sexy, etc. I still struggle a bit with this as I am overweight. I am working on the extra weight and have decided that I need to be proud of what I have and enjoy sex with my husband.

    I have to say both. I meant it as in a man cannot change his woman unless she is a willing participant. But honestly, a woman that wants to change is not likely to be successful if her man is not supportive or understanding.

    EA pretty much summed it up with I think she meant that the man can't fix a mutual problem acting alone.

    This is a sad situation for you. I am sorry that you have come to the point that you need to make this kind of decision. I have to say that if a woman goes into therapy as a way to "keep" her man...it is unlikely to work. I hope for both you and your partner that she discovers her issues and can work to resolve them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013
  9. FeelingBetter

    FeelingBetter New Member

    You know, on a side, I thought I'd add a few more thoughts about "mental status" and self esteem.

    My husband and I had an issue in the past with porn. We had never discussed it in depth but had occassionally rented movies to watch together. At a time when I was depressed and feeling crappy about myself, I accidently discovered that he was looking at internet porn and I *flipped out*. He agreed to stop.

    After I found this board, I was feeling much better and the arguments for porn made sense to me. I told him I understood and didn't mind if he looked...until he actually did. It made me uncomfortable to know that he was looking at these beautiful women on the net when I was at home and not-so-perfect. I told him how I felt and he told me it wasn't that important to him. He didn't want to do something that would upset me.

    On days when I am *up* and feeling good, I do not care if he looks at porn. When I am *down* I feel betrayed and upset - even though I know this is rediculous. So for now, he is not looking at porn unless we are sharing a movie. This may not last forever and it may not work for all couples, but it is how we handled the situation.

    Sorry for the long ramble...I just thought it may help men understand some of the "irrational" kind of thoughts women have. [​IMG]
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013
  10. Lavidea

    Lavidea New Member

    Selfesteem is a HUGE factor to a woman's sex drive. If a woman feel's bad about her body she is less likly to want to use it or be aware of it. I am sure is is the same for men or at least some men. Body image and selfesteem are essential to a good sex life.

    Also regular exercise help sex drive. I am not sure why but I have heard this many times and know it from persional experiance. If your wives or husbands are not physicaly active at all or have bad body image that cam impact sex drive.
  11. EnoughAlready

    EnoughAlready Active Member

    I think it's true for men, too. I grew up a little chubby, but thanks to teasing and insults, grew up thinking I was fat and worthless. I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was almost 22, and by then, I had been slim and muscular for a long long time. But in my mind, I was "(really nasty fat nickname that I won't share)."

    Connection? You bet.

    I was terrified that a woman seeing me naked would laugh at me. Add to that the natural insecurity about penis size (which maybe young guys don't suffer anymore because all you need to do now is go on the internet and get all kinds of information and see women in pornos enjoying cocks that look just like yours all day long) and I was a mess. The reason I finally lost my virginity was because I realized that I was more terrified of not having sex than I was of having it. I wish I could honestly say it was because I was in love. I was working towards it, though. I'd fallen in love before, but was so terrified of sex that those relationships didn't get anywhere. I finally decided to force myself to get sex first. Mistake? Who knows?

    Of course, once I lost my virginity, all that fear just *poof* went away, at least around my girlfriend. She seemed to like me in bed. Regardless of how I looked or felt, the fact that she seemed to really want me was all I needed to know. Of course, by then I'd read so many books on how to give orgasms that I made sure that once I got the chance, I'd be so good in bed that a woman would really have to think twice before ditching me for someone more attractive. I guess it worked. I've given orgasms to women orally who've told me that they never had an orgasm by having sex before, only through masturbation.

    My first girlfriend ended up leaving me for a really ugly overweight woman, who, may be even better in bed than I was. Maybe my girlfriend thought, "God, this not-so-attractive guy is great in bed. Let me find someone really ugly and gross--the grossest I can find, gender not withstanding--and see if they're even better in bed! Hmmmm, this rather large woman with a homely face and a mustache looks like a good candidate."

    Sad, but true.

    On a more serious note, while I felt that I had reason to feel low self-esteem about my looks, no woman I've been with had any reason that I could figure out. To me, they were all HOT. I mean, you know, they were all able to get the sex antenna up just by standing there naked. And I have high standards. What more do you need to know?

    A lot of men, because of this--beautiful women claiming low self-esteem in the looks department--get impatient because they think it's just a game women play to get attention. I mean, even supermodels on Oprah look at themselves in the mirrors and stick their tongues out and say "gross."
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013
  12. Moirae

    Moirae New Member

    I agree. Something is wrong and she's not being honest about it. The first that I see is a real self esteem issue. The question is where it came from. You two need to sit down and have a really long talk.
  13. ChooseToBe

    ChooseToBe New Member

    That is simply not possible.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013
  14. FeelingBetter

    FeelingBetter New Member

    Point taken... [​IMG]
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013
  15. incognito

    incognito New Member

    Confused man, this has been going on for a long time I see. What's happened in the past year? Have things improved or gotten worse? You seem to be having more frequent lovemaking with your wife.

    Clearly, there is a positive relationship here somewhere. I think you should ask yourself what a more effective method of communication might be. What you really want is more adventure, not more sex. You seem to want your wife to be the one who shows passion, who initiates sex, who demonstrates desire.

    This really is difficult. It simply may not be part of her persona to be the aggressor. It's really a bad idea, as others said, to try to change a person sexually or otherwise. In an ideal world, we would all match perfectly with our spouses. In a close to ideal world, we would accept the things that we cannot change and move past them. I think acceptance is something to strive for, honestly.

    It is, in my very humble opinion, fruitless effort wasted pining away for something that you can't have. You're married, and not to someone who is adventurous in bed. C'est la vie.

    On a side note: there are very clearly things that you and your wife TOGETHER could do to improve your sex lives. However, this will require a joint effort with communication between you to. I suspect, unfortunately, that you are not communicating effectively with each other.

    Perhaps you could explain to us what it is that you really want in concrete terms, and see if that helps. If you can't explain what actions your wife could take to please you, things will be triply hard. You certainly cannot anticipate that your wife will suddenly discover the power of clairvoyance, right?


  16. Tonglen guy

    Tonglen guy New Member

    Another reason pseudonyms are a great idea. I feel free to speak here. I frequent other boards where I have become known - and I have to watch what I say. This place is different.

    Don't be afraid to tell us what you want her to do - we might have some ideas, or you might get our heads cooking.... either way its a healthy outlet and lets you frame your thoughts before talking with her.
  17. why

    why New Member

    So what things have changed in you all's lives? HAs she had a baby, started on new meds, in a new stresful job,increased weight, had a close death exc? That may help you to see exactly where this all started from. I do not understand someone just waking up one day and deciding "hey I don't want to be sexual anymore" ya know?

    Do you tell her you want her to initiate? give/recieve oral, be touched exc? Is there a possibility you are telling her too much? Some women like that "playing hard to get" thing, or maybe she is tired of hearing it like a broken record....

    As for a fake orgasm I can see yes maybe...if she is only having sex "for you" then she may to "get it over with" OR not all woman have to have orgams all the time. I can all week with only having one but I still have sex with DH and often go ahead and orgasm too. What I am saying is her need for sex only weekly is not strange but not allowing her to touch her (for no reason) is.

    Maybe trying to talk about it but not making it the "topic" of discussion you know? Do not complain to her I want you to do this, or that exc. she will probably get defensive. Maybe telling her you like to touch her here or there or taste her this and that you know??

    Well good luck! [​IMG]
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013
  18. Bman

    Bman New Member

    WOW I thought I was alone! I have been married for 21 years and for the past 10 years my wife will not kiss me using her tongue, in fact she turns her head sideways when I go to kiss her or even when she will give me a peck on the lips.

    SEX! I have to get angry to get her into bed once a week seems to make her so unhappy. She will not let me touch her breast or other parts of her body, she wears a shirt and sometimes leaves her pants in one leg.
    She will not even let me see her naked anymore?
    She will not look at me during sex.
    She will never come to me for sex.
    In 2007 she developed Hepatitis B, I was vaccinated before we met and am immune even got tested again after she told me that she was exposed, i'm still immune.
    She says she doesn't know how she got it, the doctor ask her if she had been seriously cut and bleeding being exposed to someone else's blood or bodily fluids, she said no, this was back when she found out in 07.
    I ask the doctor in front of her if she had gotten it from me, he looked at me with an expression that said I dont want to go there and just said "She will have to tell us how she was exposed".

    At the time she was exposed she was asking for a separation, she had abandoned me emotionally and physically. I was suspicious that she had been cheating with someone.

    I told her just tell me what happen and we can put it behind us but I know that she knew if she told me I would have divorced her

    I have read up and ask more than one doctor about Hep B and it seems to only come from blood or bodily fluids from sex.

    Anyone know of any other way to get Hep B?

    I don't drink, smoke take drugs. I never put a hand on her in anger, although she has been physically abusive towards me.
    I work, do more than she does at the house and I have always been here for my kids.
    Its 2012 my kids are grown one in college the other will finish this year and I am tired of begging for affection and sex.
    Tired of thinking about her getting Hep B.

    I am ready to walk off and just leave her everything.

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